Too much

I'd come here to write a positive post. Really, I did. I don't want this blog to be all doom and gloom. And there are good things happening lately. I had some peaceful time recently. I used some relaxation breathing techniques I just learned to get through a drs appt. today which even included a blood draw. And did you notice this blog has hit over 1000 views? And there's other good things going on too. But I can't talk about those right now.

I can't because I've seen some things in the last couple of days that I wish I didn't have to.

Recovering these memories of abuse has been a horrible, horrible trip. But I thought I was processing and getting better. And maybe I am. But now i'm seeing these memories in a whole new light, and for now it is too much to handle.

I'm seeing, in my head, what it means for an adult to rape a child.

No longer am I seeing it through the eyes of the terrified little girl who believes it is all her fault, and feels too much shame to truly admit what is done.

I'm seeing it through the eyes of a rational adult. And right now, it's just too much. I know these are questions that will never be answered, but how can an adult do that to a small child? Especially a child that he has been entrusted to love and to care for. A big, full sized man. A tiny young girl. Why? How? A little girl is not meant for that. The little girl doesn't know what sex is. And the man is much too big for her. He's only going to break her. I feel gross and disgusting for even writing this here. For thinking it. Maybe I should keep it hidden inside my own head. But it's so strong right now, I feel it needs to be out and exposed.

I remember the beatings vividly. But these other times are different. I know what happened. I've spoken about what happened. But I don't think I've processed what really happened. What was really going on. What he, and eventually others, really did to me. It's too much to handle right now. It's keeping me from processing another thought. It's keeping me from everything. I don't know. I'm sorry to have bothered you all with this. :'(