Still not doing too well. Just feel like this mountain is too high to climb.
I was told by a friend yesterday that I need to leave the past in the past, choose to be happy, and live my life. If only it were that easy. If I could just leave it behind I would've a long time ago. I'm not trying to hold on to bitterness, but the horrors hold on to me.
I feel like I face an impossible choice. Choose to live as I am now....functional, but knowing deep down it could be better and that I'm really not ok. Or, choose to face this enormous fight, in facing what I went through head on. I thought that's what I wanted to do. I thought I was ready to fight. But now the mountain looks so high and I feel so small. I don't want to climb it anymore. It's too hard.
I'm wondering why I do try and fight. Why do I even bother to care anymore? I could surely have a lot more fun if I just left the past stuff alone and stopped thinking about it...if I left the past in the past. It wouldn't be healthy, but what does that really matter when "healthy" has me stuck in bed without the strength to do anything.
What's the point of continuing to try?
Why do I care so much about something that happened 13+ years ago? Why can't I "just leave it in the past"? Have I become that bitter, that I'm blaming my parents and the others rather than taking charge of my own life? Am I making excuses like they say I am? Why can't I let it be and move on?
I don't know. All I do know is that right now I just want to close my eyes and when I open them hope that the mountain has somehow disappeared, because I sure as hell don't want to climb it. Maybe I need to just walk the other direction and forget about whatever's at the top or on the other side.
There are certain times when letting the past stay in the past is the best thing but sometimes we need to climb the mountain. But it doesn't need to be a complete vertical climb. Same as recovery, one day at a time, one step at a time. Where you are at is where you are. I am rambling. but know people are thinking of you and hoping you conquer that mountain that seems to be blocking your path.
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