Massage

So I've decided there needs to be massage therapy for abuse survivors. What I mean by that is regular mental health therapy combined with massage.

I went to see my amazing wonderful massage therapist tonight, and it turned out so well. I knew going was a risk. I've been too triggered to let anyone touch me for close to a week now. But I've always been more able to accept her touch (or that of another massage therapist) bc it's a professional touch. I'm able to rationalize it as her doing her job and i'm able to let it happen. Plus the tension in my back and shoulders had gotten so bad I knew I needed to do something.

Still I was hesitant tonight. The wounds from where I'd hurt myself were bandaged still and I told her those areas were off limits (I made up a story about falling off my bike..believable in my world! She started slow...first through the blanket, then through the sheet. Eventually getting down to skin level.

The amazing part was that her touch did bring up memories, but I was relaxed and comfortable enough that I could rationalize them. It was like putting a new memory with the particular sensation. She'd be pressing on a place that would cause pain and remind me of something scary from my past, but I was able to acknowledge the past memory and then tell myself "but now I feel it because she is pushing on it to help me feel better. She was even able to do my quads all the way up and the top part of my glutes...both places where I've been having A LOT of pain lately due to stress, body memories, and somewhat to physical activity.

It seems like this could be a very powerful tool in a session lead by a therapist. Then again if I knew there could be pressure to deal with "therapy stuff" or telling stuff, I might have reacted a whole lot differently. Anyway, for right now I feel non-triggered and non-panicked for the first time since....friday maybe? Not quite sure.