I miss denial!

I just need to say that I really, really miss being in denial about what happened to me....

It's not like my experience changed...what's there in the past has always been the same...but I used to be able to push it aside and lead a relatively normal life. Not so much anymore. Lately it's gotten especially bad.

There used to be just a few obvious things that scared me or limited me...I couldn't watch realistic scary movies (can't handle seeing ppl hurt each other)...I couldn't deal with anyone holding me down somewhere (obvious reasons)...and I couldn't handle hearing ppl talk about certain very graphic things. I'm sure there was other stuff that got me too, but it was always big, obvious, easy to avoid type things.

Now I not only have had a ton of new memories, but I'm starting to see the old memories in new detail. They're coming back to me constantly whether I like it or not. It's like it's always there in the back of my mind. Within the last week or so i've gone really, really downhill.

Now...I can't handle having my movement restricted at all. This includes...being stuck sitting for too long, unable to stretch my legs out, etc. That means that I can't drive even remotely long distances, can't sit through a movie at the theater (had hoped this would be a good distraction...not so much), sometimes can't wrap up under a blanket which used to be super comforting to me, and can't have anybody hug me.

Along with the hugging, I now can't handle touch at all. I know some survivors that struggle with touch a lot but I've always been relieved that I'm not one of them because hugs, being held, etc. by trusted ppl has always meant a lot to me. Now if anyone touches me at all I feel my body go stiff with fear and I feel anger welling up inside of me. It's a struggle not to scream and try to physically fight them.

Also now I'm triggered by most everything...how my body is positioned, clothes i'm wearing, things I see, things I hear, etc. Mostly things that are nearly impossible to avoid in day to day life.

They tell me this is healing. They tell me stepping out of denial means that I am processing what happened and it will make my life better at the end.

I really want to tell them all where to shove it because I miss my denial!

Yes I've said again and again that I want to be healthy for real, and I want to live a life beyond what my past has given me, but damn...Can I at least take denial out for lunch or something? We've been apart for too long!