So I've been thinking about a few things lately...
First, that ppl who might be reading this are in various stages of knowing me.
Second, a lot of ppl I gave the link to I know through foster care/adoption connections. I have had interesting conversations in the past with foster parents who have said "I just can't figure out why my kid would do this!" And I've been able to see a good reason why they would, because I've been there. I've had experience with a lot of unfortunate things in my life....abuse of all sorts, neglect, foster care, RTCs, self injury, alcoholism, drug use, homelessness, etc. I (generally) don't mind talking about any of it, though it's hard for me to just come out and start writing. Also, I've been feeling a bit useless in the world lately because of my struggles, so I'm hoping if I can help someone else out with some info I'll feel like I have some sort of purpose.
Soooooo....I want to open up this post for questions that you may want to know but are afraid to ask. Anonymous commenting is on if you're shy, (though I'd prefer you tell me who you are so I can let you know when I've replied to it). Feel free to ask whatever is on your mind...whether it's a question to help you make sense of something in your own life, or something you're just curious about. As long as it's appropriate, I'll do my best to answer.
Leave your questions as comments and depending on the answer needed I'll either reply back as a comment or start a new post.
Thanks! :)
(Oh, and the questions don't have to be about bad stuff either. I've also been to college twice and have travelled all over the country working lots of random jobs. I can be interesting in that sense too! lol As long as you don't ask for any personal info...real name or location or anything...because I won't be giving that).
Nice idea!
ReplyDeleteHi River,
ReplyDeleteThis is a really nice idea. i thank you for opening yourself up to this. I dont know your circumstances, so I might not ask a relevant question to your life experiences. I have an adopted daughter from Guatemala. We know nothing of her backgroud except for a report that was given to us but may not have anything that is accurate. She is starting to be extremely interested in her birth family.And as of late when speaking about her own birth family and those of her soon to be adopted siblings. She says" their mothers gave them away". This has cut me in the heart as I know this relization hurts her.
Then on the other hand we have two siblings both very young yet who were removed from their birth families basically from neglect and lack of trying to change.They will have all kinds of information and most likely somekind of contact after we adopt.
Since you have experienced this type of loss in one way or another what would be your advice in dealing with both of these circumstances. I guess I just want to hear what you thought and felt when you realized.
Thanks
Audra
supporting you and wanting to ask a relevant question but my head is spinning tonight and thinking isn't happening. just know i care.
ReplyDelete-luv
Hi River :)
ReplyDeletethanks for doing this. A little background, my foster children are pre teen. Mom is a homeless, workless drug addict.
previous Mom was a druggie, who pimped her kids out, and did not provide for them in any shape or form.
Here is my question: WHY do these kids idolize 'MOM'? Why are they not angry? Why do they not question 'mom', and ASK questions of WHY Mom did what she did?? These kids lost EVERYTHING due to the choices 'mom' made!1
WHY do I hear day in day out "I can't wait to go 'home' to my Mom"
why don't they appreciate the least bit that HERE they have running water, food, clean clothes (and plenty of em), fun, safety, and sober foster parents?
I ask myself lately if I even want to continue fostering older kids....I am so fed up with the daily feeling of 'not being ever good enough' for these kids.
Excellent idea...I am not sure I have any questions, but I wanted to show my support. I think you are amazing and intelligent and will help a lot of people by sharing your experiences.
ReplyDeleteso when can we expect answers?
ReplyDeleteRiverbird, it's Eric B. from the "I was a foster kid" blog. I thought I would be able to utilize LT in the spirit in which you offer up yourself for information. I guess not. The last update on LT's blog is her posting a graphic thanking all of her commenters. You and I and some others were not on the list. My words were pretty direct, and I apologized for that, but there is no way that anything good will come from "Oh, of course, LT, you are allowed to call your therapist a bitch, slut, and then 12 hours later say all of the bad things about her which are not bad at all." I wonder if you can correct me if I am wrong, but here's my analysis.
ReplyDeleteWhat LT is attempting to get people to believe is, in a shortened version, "the trauma made me do it. I am hurt, I am damaged goods, I was raped twice. I was..the list goes on. So while I am trying, this just will happen, and it's allowed to happen and I am allowed to do bad stuff because of my past. Deal with it! Better yet, condone it!"
Ok, and that sells, if she hadn't shown that she is quite capable of conducting herself in a proper manner..which she has. If I don't assume that she hasn't had therapy for the anger outbursts and been taught coping skills on how to properly conduct herself..which she has. If she hadn't been holding a job in a sandwich shop, dealing with the public and working with others. Which she has. If she hadn't been smart enough to do the graphics, interact with others online (I have investigated and found her participating in "how to build a blog" forums, she's fine). But she does all of this. People that are suffering from the kind of trauma that allows you to go off on therapists and become a threat to yourself and others aren't living in an apartment. They are locked up.
So did she embellish what happened? I think so. In the state she was in she remembered every word she said, the totality of the interaction? BS!!! Furthermore, if her scenareo happened, Dr. Val would have called 911 the second LT stormed out, they would have found her and locked her up. I know this. I was told this just last week in training. Maintain control and if you can't call 911! So stormed out and then went off and screamed? Not buying it.
Now, I don't doubt that in her mind, everyone has let her down. By her standard, if you have to leave her "area" to go to the bathroom and she wants you to stay but you leave anyway, you have broken a promise to her. A therapist goes on vacation once a year; and really, who knows whether it really a vacation. It could have been a death in the family, a therapy retreat, even a life saving operation. Dr. Val would not be allowed to divulge such things in a therapeutic setting.
But LT is approaching her mid 20's and she knows the second she shows improvement, she will be weened off of public assistance, weened off of three therapy sessions a week, and she will be expected to function for herself.
So yeah, I would never say it on her board but I will say that in my opinion and experience of dealing with others, LT is taking advantage of the compassion of others. If she wasn't she would have put you and CW at the top of her little banner.
Looks like firing up a blog on wordpress is working for her. Every time someone out there tells her it's OK to act like that, her recovery, which she may have already decided she doesn't want or can't do, get set back.
So, Riverbird, tell me, as a prospective foster parent, how close am I?
I know how to handle it I think, basically teaching self empowerment along with allowing outbursts to happen but then, after de escilation, ensuring that she knows it's inappropriate and will not be tolerated.
The previous post is the abridged version and is entirely too direct and makes assumptions. My apologies, but please, comment on at least some of my lines of thinking. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteHi Eric,
ReplyDeleteI don't really feel comfortable talking about others on my blog, but my most recent post is in part dedicated to your question. I will say that I think you have the right idea. In my eyes, your goals as a foster parent are to show your child(ren) unconditional care/support so they can see that doing something wrong doesn't mean they're fundamentally bad and going to be turned away, while also teaching them coping skills so that they will be able to heal and function in the adult world. You can't expect a traumatized child to behave to the same standard you would expect of a "typical" child, but you're also not doing that child any favors by letting him do what he wants because you feel bad about what happened to him. That only serves to reinforce unhealthy thoughts/behaviors and take away potential learning opportunities. Of course this is all way overly simplified and will be MUCH easier said than done when the actual child/teen is in your home.
Thanks. And yes, my words, and yours, are overly simplified. I always said if we could work things out quickly we wouldn't have decades to live our lives, right? Heck, I am 44 and still catch myself being "triggered" from time to time.
ReplyDeleteI just am thankful for a person like you. I will be "beating you up" with questions and such over the coming months. But the first question is what you think of my following item that they aren't teaching in our training, for obvious reasons.
Our county child services is so bad that we are actually taking our training in another county, as is another couple. The CSB in our county functions like this:
-They do not meet their own standards (monthly visits, update records, review case record, etc). They have excuses.
-Foster parents fail to meet some fundamental requirements. It is understood they aren't perfect.
The list goes on, and what this teaches these kids, right from the adults that are the professionals, is that the acceptable standard is failure and it's ok as long as you have a workable excuse.
Now my background is the military. From day one in bootcamp we were given substandard resources and hit over the head with "SUCCEED ANYWAY!!!" And that, River, has been the story of my life. "I lack resources, but screw it, here we go." And yeah, I've failed a few times, but I have succeeded more than I failed, and that's ok.
And I see that as my biggest trial. So many times we just say "oh, I can't do that because..." and press on. My background was, when I was a kid, ..because you are fat, you are stupid, you are unathetlic, you are a laughable human being." The US Navy said "GET WITH IT, you can DO IT!!!"
So I don't function with an excuse. I understand the challenges of needing to process our past, I get that, and I know it doesn't happen overnight. But I also know that me, you, my wife, and whoever my kid is, can do whatever they want to do in life. (within reason, still never got my job as an NBA basketball player).
So, your thoughts?