Overwhelmed

But first a question...is it possible to be underwhelmed? Or maybe just whelmed?

Anyway....it's been an overwhelming couple of days to say the least. I've been buried under a whole lot of unbelievable crap. That seems to be how it always goes though. Wouldn't it be nice if life would calmly deliver us one little thing to handle at a time, and wait 'till we'd processed that before moving on? Yeah...wishful thinking...

The memories have been a shit storm lately.

The panic caused by the memories was awful.

The cutting that I engaged in as a result of the panic was also awful. It scares me just how bad I let it get. Normally when I cut it's a few little cuts. This time I got it in my head that I needed to cut the evil out of me. I have never felt such an intense drive to cut so much. And the more I bled, the worse it got. Just saying this makes me feel totally insane. It's so far away from reality...I hate that that's where my mind was. I hate that I was thinking these things.

I'm all bandaged now (yay first aid training! lol) and nothing needed stitches so i'm doing ok. It just hurts, a lot. Now that the adrenaline of the panic attack is gone, I'm feeling all the damage I did. In the midst of things I barely felt it. I was on a mission.

Now on top of the fear, anger, disgust, etc. I also have to deal with the regret and stupidity of what I did. The new fear of how crazy I became.

On top of that I'm not sleeping. At first it was the fireworks. My little (more on that in another post) is afraid of fireworks so it's been tough getting to sleep since Friday. But now the memories are so bad that as soon as I lay down I start to feel them coming back again. I can't lay down in bed without feeling like I'm being tied up. I have to move my arms and legs to prove to myself and my subconcious that they're free. Of course doing that keeps me from being able to sleep. I miss the recliner that I slept on where I used to live. Thankfully I have a computer again so I was able to watch tv online till I fell asleep, but it took a long, long time despite how tired i was.

So exhausted me + way too much past stuff = losing ability to function. I'm also realizing now how I have SO much to accomplish in the next very short amount of time, that I have no idea how I'm going to get it all done. I have a lot of stuff that I had planned on doing this summer and this summer is absolutely flying by without me! The school i'll be going to in the fall starts way earlier than I thought so I really only have until early august to get stuff done.

And finally...just to stick with the theme of overwhelmed...why is it that I keep coming across things now talking about the extensive problems of abuse, corruption within child protection, all we need to do to help the next generation, etc. etc. Usually things like this help me keep going and keep fighting. Right now they're just making me want to throw up. I'm reaching the point that I feel like why bother...why try...it's too much. I think that's an aspect of what I'm now realizing is anxiety, though I used to see as depression. The world so terrifies me right now that I can't even complete a thought, much less get anything done. What I need to do takes 10x longer than it should because everything stresses me out and everything triggers me. Things that shouldn't be triggering at all managed to have some little aspect that gets me. Feeling buried beneath it all and just don't even know where to turn. Every path feels like the wrong way, and it's all I can do to keep breathing. Just breathe. That's the only thing I know I'm doing right, so I'll just keep doing that until something else makes sense. Not exactly productive, but at least I know i'm alive.