Ask River, Question #1

Audra asks:

Hi River,
This is a really nice idea. i thank you for opening yourself up to this. I dont know your circumstances, so I might not ask a relevant question to your life experiences. I have an adopted daughter from Guatemala. We know nothing of her backgroud except for a report that was given to us but may not have anything that is accurate. She is starting to be extremely interested in her birth family.And as of late when speaking about her own birth family and those of her soon to be adopted siblings. She says" their mothers gave them away". This has cut me in the heart as I know this relization hurts her.

Then on the other hand we have two siblings both very young yet who were removed from their birth families basically from neglect and lack of trying to change.They will have all kinds of information and most likely somekind of contact after we adopt.
Since you have experienced this type of loss in one way or another what would be your advice in dealing with both of these circumstances. I guess I just want to hear what you thought and felt when you realized.
Thanks
Audra

Hi Audra,

Thanks for starting off the question asking! :) This is a great question, though it can be tough to answer. Let me start by giving you a bit of my background.

My bio parents were horribly abusive monsters. I was severely abused by them mentally, physically, and sexually. I lived with them until I was 13 and ran away, genuinely fearing for my life if I stayed. (I feared for my life if I left too, but the great unknown seemed less scary than more time with my parents.)

From there I lived on my own or with whoever I could convince to take me in until just before my 16th birthday when I was arrested for shoplifting and taken to the police station. I was told that the police were calling my parents to come get me. They of course had no idea how long it had been since I had seen my parents. I was terrified, wondering what sort of horrific punishment my parents would have in store for my leaving.

But I never found out. After hours of waiting, someone new came in to talk to me. I think she was a social worker but I'm not sure. She explained that my parents were "unable to come." It turns out that in the time i'd been gone, my parents had decided that they no longer wanted me. They had denied my very existence.

Some may think that I would've jumped for joy at this news. I didn't have to go back to the monsters and their horrific abuse of me! Cause for celebration, right? No. I was crushed. Absolutely crushed. As terrified as I was to see them, and as evil as I knew they were, being denied by your own parents causes a pain that seeks to destroy who you are at your very core. No matter how awful they were, as a child I wanted and needed their approval. This ultimate disapproval was truly more than I could take.

One of the fundamental truths of life is supposed to be that mommy takes care of and protects her babies. (Daddy too, but mommy is the first caretaker in the womb and usually the more involved one, esp. early on). For example, look at nature. Think of a newborn kangaroo...tiny, blind, and with barely developed limbs, but yet it knows how to climb to it's mother's pouch for safety and warmth to continue to grow. It is a built in assumption with human babies that mom will be there to nurture them and keep them safe and warm while they grow. I believe very strongly that babies get to know their mom while in the womb, and so a connection is already built at the time of birth.

What I'm trying to say here is that no matter what age it happens, losing one's parents is shocking and painful. Add to that a feeling of being denied by said parent and it gets much worse.

A few things that I would offer to help your kids deal with this pain:
1.) Allow them to talk about their bio parents. Give them space to talk about what they may remember or not remember and how they feel about it without guilt. Be willing to listen, or help them find someone else that they can talk about them with. If you can, keep information and pictures about their bio families to help fill some of the gaps they may have. As hard as it might be for you, having blank spaces in your past where you just don't know can be much harder for them.

2.) Don't take it personally. Your child grieving the loss of his/her bio family is in no way a reflection on your or your parenting. Even if you gave them an absolutely perfect life, the pain of losing their birth family would still be present. If your child feels that s/he is hurting you by talking about bio family (and kids will pick up on this) they may become afraid to work through these issues and they'll become bigger and more extreme later on.

3.) Be supportive, but honest. Kids don't need a fantasy world. For example, don't tell your kids that their mom "wanted so much to raise them and be with them always" if it's not the case. Keep it age appropriate (always the challenge), but help your children to understand the real reasons why they can't be with their bio parents. Your kids need to know that they can trust you when they need support or answers. If you don't know, tell them that. Help them work through their emotions as they come, and be aware that that may include intense anger and hurt.

For your kids that will continue to have some level of contact, some of this might change a bit but I would still try to stick with the basic principles. Depending on the kids sometimes contact can help make things make more sense, but it can also cause a lot more confusion with continuing to be torn between two families. I don't have any specific experience with this as I never saw my bio family again after they abandoned me, so I can only go off of what I've seen and heard from others. If your kids are going to have direct contact w/their bio family I would say to do everything you can to see that you and they provide a united front for the kids. Make sure you are not bad-mouthing them to your children, not even a little. Like I said, it's ok to be honest about what they did or didn't do, but don't say demeaning things about them to or around your kids. Likewise, make sure that the bio family is fully respecting you as their family now, and not saying anything that will confuse the kids (calling themselves mom or dad, making mention of the kids ever coming back to live with them, saying things about the kids being at fault for any of it, etc.) It's a lot like how you might deal with a situation of divorce...kids can never have too many people to love them, but keep the kids out of complex adult situations and let them be kids. When they need more info they can let you know and you can help them with it then.

For your daughter from Guatemala, depending on how old she was when you adopted her, she will likely always feel at least a bit like she has a missing piece from her life there. If she was old enough there to have some memories of it, help her cultivate those. If not, help her learn about her country and culture (along with yours/her new one of course) and maybe even help her travel there when she's older.

I hope this helps. Let me know if you have more questions.
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