It's been a long while since I've answered an Ask River question. Honestly I've had so much craziness in my head that I just haven't had the clarity to be able to say things that make sense. But, it's the middle of the night and since my body has apparently decided to no longer sleep, now should be as good a time as any. This question was posed over email a few weeks ago. Sorry to the asker for not getting to it sooner. I hope you'll understand.
Anon asks: What is the one thing that you think teenage foster kids want their foster parents to know about how to deal with them?
I had a feeling this question would come up sooner or later, and to be honest I was kind of dreading it. It's a great question, but I'm not sure I want to speak for teenage foster kids everywhere. But I can tell you what I always wished my foster parents could know about me. However I'm sure if you asked this to a dozen former (or current) foster kids you'd get a dozen different answers.
For me, I would just want you to know that we are trying our very best. Teenage foster kids get a bad rap in the eyes of many. I hear often, "I would love to be a foster parent, but I would never take TEENAGERS!" spoken like teens are horrible creatures. And the truth is, sometimes we are. When I was a teen in foster care, especially in my first home, I was in trouble at school so much I nearly got kicked out. I manipulated constantly. I stole from everyone around me. (I even stole my foster parents car...results were mentioned in the sobriety post). I had all sorts of attitude and I yelled constantly. I'm sure I was not a pleasant person to be around. I don't blame people for not wanting to invite that in to their home. I really don't.
But...the key to all of this is that I wasn't trying to hurt my foster parents or anyone else. I wasn't out to "be bad" or cause anyone pain. In fact that was the last thing I would've wanted. But I had never learned anything different. I manipulated and stole because that is how I had learned to survive. I used to drive my foster mom crazy because I would sneak around in the middle of the night to get food from the kitchen, but then refuse to eat anything she had cooked for meals. It wasn't that I didn't want to eat her cooking. No, my brain had been severely twisted from the abuse I'd endured. In my mind, eating her food gave her power. Like somehow I would "owe" them if ate "their" food. I genuinely believed that I had to keep them from having any power over me by not accepting any of their kindnesses. (Similar reasoning kept me from sleeping in bed, wearing the clothes they'd bought me, etc.). But I had to eat, so at night I would sneak down and take whatever food I could find. I'd generally take extra to stash somewhere too, just in case they decided to stop feeding me.
To some of you reading this, this probably sounds nuts. But if that's what you're thinking, you haven't realized how completely abuse and other traumas can warp a person's brain long after the abuse is over. In my foster moms eyes I was giving her attitude by refusing to eat her cooking or wear the clothes she'd bought. In my mind I was keeping myself safe and surviving. I was just waiting for these nice parents to turn in to how my parents had been, because in my mind that's how all parents were. Even at 16 years old, I still had no concept of a non-abusive family. I assumed this particular family just hid it well.
I am not saying at all that foster parents should accept crappy behavior from their kids, or that every foster parent should try taking in a teen because they mean well. What I am saying though is when you see said crappy behaviors, try to look beyond the behavior and see where it might be coming from. With the food example, my foster mom could've told me I wasn't allowed to take food after meal times and tried to punish me if I did. Instead she talked to me about food options I could eat any time and started leaving my dinner plate in the fridge for just me (instead of in the big things of leftovers) so I could eat it later if I chose. For a kid who had had my dinner plate thrown out in front of me while being told I didn't deserve to eat, knowing that my food was mine and could still be mine later was HUGE for me. My foster mom didn't fully understand the reasoning at the time, but the fact that she was willing to listen and work with me meant the world to me. Slowly as I started to trust that there would be food every night I became more willing to eat with others around. Similarly, she didn't object to me moving my mattress to the floor when I was afraid of sleeping in a bed. There were just so many little things like that that she did to help. She could've easily said, "What's wrong with you? Everyone wants to sleep in a bed." Or even just put me on the spot questioning why I didn't like beds. Instead she was able to accept that I wasn't ready to explain it right then but that a mattress on the floor would work much better for me. She understood that everything was a huge adjustment process and she worked with me as much as she could.
I think not taking it personally is another big issue that goes along with this. Even the behaviors that look like they're directed right at you likely have very little to do with you. For example, a teenager telling you that they hate you and want to go live with their bio family (pretty typical I'm guessing...) doesn't mean that you're a bad parent. It just means that the teen is confused and has a lot of complicated stuff to work through. Again don't let them walk all over you, but try to figure out where it's coming from and see if you can work WITH them to fix it. I'd say more than anything that is what helped me the most. Instead of getting flustered and frustrated and angry, help them figure out where the issue is coming from and how they can deal with it. I'd say this is especially true for an older teen (which is where all of my foster experience is). A 16+ year old kid is going to be out on their own before too long. They need help to understand the how's and the why's of the world and how they can best deal with it, not arbitrary "because mom said so" type of rules and punishments. They need a chance to try a bit on their own and fail while they still have a safe place to fall back on. A foster kid, especially if you're not planning to adopt, is going to be much more on their own than the average kid when they turn 18. The more understanding support you can give them in working with them, the better.
Wow sorry if this is all over the place...my brain is definitely not functioning on all cylinders tonight! lol I'll try to wrap it up here by saying that any teenager in foster care has likely been through some very tough shit in their lives. Abuse, neglect, multiple moves, loss/death of people close to them, bullying, lack of positive role models, having to figure out most things on their own, not having trustworthy people around them, exposure to drugs and alcohol, etc. etc. Even in the "best" cases these kids are struggling. Because really, EVERYONE struggles as a teenager. For those of you raised by loving biological parents, or who have raised your own biological kids, how many can say that the teen years were pleasant and issue free? Yeah I thought so. :-P There might be a few lucky ones out there, but overall it's HARD to be a teen. Teen years are when you're figuring out your identity and making that scary (though none of them will admit it) transition from "kid" to "adult." Now add in all the additional struggles and transitions that come with foster care, and that's a lot for anyone to take on. Imagine trying to build an identity for yourself as a young adult when you've just lost everything you've ever known...or when you've never had any consistent place to build from. So please understand that most teens don't mean to be "bad" or "difficult" or anything else. We (is it weird that i'm still considering myself part of the teen crowd at 26) are just trying to learn and figure things out for ourselves. Because of past experiences, we just happen to mess it up a lot more than your average kid. For teens who have been moved a lot, this is probably way more the case as it's going to be even harder for them to trust that anything could be long term or permanent. So try to meet us where we're at and work with us. Try not to be freaked out or thrown off by our actions. We really are trying our best, and deep down underneath all the hardened exterior there's likely a terrified little child just wanting to be loved. (But do not, under any circumstances mention that last part to a teenager! lol).
And last but not least....a GIANT thank you to those brave souls out there willing to bring foster teens into your home. I know it's tough and honestly I'm not sure if I could do it. But I can tell you it means a lot just to know that there are people out there willing to try.
Anon, I hope that answered your question. If I didn't make sense or if you or anyone else has follow-up questions please leave a comment and let me know!
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I think you have hit the nail on the head when you said "For those of you raised by loving biological parents, or who have raised your own biological kids, how many can say that the teen years were pleasant and issue free?". That's what we say when we take our teens. Kids will be kids. Some teenagers I know who grew up in "normal" (whatever the hell that is) homes were WAY worse than the teens we have had. I even remembering telling my mom I wished I was adopted! That hurt her so bad. As an adult, I see that. As a teen, I was mad I didn't get my way. But taking them as PITA teenagers and not cute and cuddly babies, it actually makes it easier for me to not take things personally. and usually in time, they become cute and cuddly teenagers. LOL
ReplyDeleteIt is good insight though into the extra stuff, food hoarding, controlling more things. We try to give the older teens (16+) a lot of control in general and really pick the battles. In fact, last night my 18 year old son was just plain bitchy. I finally asked him when he was going off the rag, cuz he was PMSing for like a week, just doing everything he could possibly do to get me upset. But life went on and he wasn't as bitchy today. :::eye roll:::
Now another question. We take teens and we get stolen from, so we lock a LOT of stuff up. I have a second fridge that is locked and a number of cabinets that are locked. Not EVERYTHING is locked up, just stuff I don't want eaten/taken in a day when it is meant to last a month. One kiddo ate just add water muffin mix... without the add water part and uncooked ramen noodles. To avoid fights over food, I give each teen a box of cereal and a ton of snacks each week that are THEIRS. They don't have to fight anyone for them. I have used locked boxes for them to keep the food in, but I "try" to get them to keep it out of their rooms. We get mice and ants WAY too easily. But as a teenager, would that really be over the top, the locks and such? Many other FPs I talk to say they couldn't live like this, but we can't not it seems.
Another good question. My gut, surface reaction would be to avoid the locks wherever possible. You want your home to be a family home, not an institution.
ReplyDeleteThat said, you have to be practical. You didn't raise these kids, and you can't expect them to be immediately willing to respect what you've asked them not to eat/use. You can't be expected to double or more your food budget because your ingredients for dinner have already been eaten. As long as each kid has plenty to eat when they're hungry (because teens do get hungry a lot and often on crazy schedules, as i'm sure you know...) and you're not locking EVERYTHING up, it probably wouldn't be an issue. I would be really honest with the kids and explain why there are locks on certain things. If they have an issue with it be willing to discuss it but not necessarily change it. I would guess as long as there's food, most teens would think "eh, whatever..." And really....muffin mix without water?? Like dry??!! Ew!!
By the way I have also found stealing to be an incredibly habitual behavior. Way back when I had to steal if I wanted to eat. Now I catch myself contemplating stealing even when I know I have the money to pay for it. But if a teen has come from a background like mine, he may truly not have the self control at this point not to just take it. If it's especially an issue for certain kid(s), maybe you could get them involved with planning the grocery budget, meals, that kind of thing so they can start to get a handle on just what they're eating (as in...how much of the budget...why eating something one day takes away from what you want to have later on). That could also help them build life skills for adulthood.