Sobriety

This is a topic I struggle with a lot. It seems to be coming up in my life a lot lately so I want to write about it.

I started drinking heavily when I was 13. I'm not sure when I took my first drink, I don't really remember. Alcohol was always around for me. It was very much a part of life. A lot of the people who hurt me as a child drank a lot, so I wish I would've/could've been smart and turned away from it. Instead, it was very natural for me to take to it. It was there, and nobody really stopped me.

When I was out on my own after I'd run away, it became an important part of my life. As bad as it may sound now, I believe that when I was on my own (from 13-16) alcohol and the drugs that I had started doing at this time saved my life. I had to make it on my own because I was terrified of what would happen if I went back home. The things I did to survive are the type of things you don't want to remember. They're the type of things that a person can't do for long without losing their sanity. I had to send my brain elsewhere. (I didn't look at it that way at the time, but in hindsight it makes sense).

I got sober the first time when I was 16 after nearly killing myself and some friends while driving drunk. This is a very painful story for me. I might tell it sometime. Maybe. Thankfully everyone survived with no permanent injuries. For now I'll just say it was a major turning point in my life.

I got sober, moved in with my foster family that I consider my family today. I stayed sober for 3.5 years. Then there was college. As we all know, alcohol is everywhere in college. I started convincing myself that my addiction was "just back when I was a stupid teenager." And that "I'm stable now, I can handle it." And that having just one drink would be "No big deal." Yeah...wishful thinking. Ended up on a semester-long drinking binge that nearly got me kicked out of school. To rehab I went. I realized then that sobriety would have to be a life-long commitment for me. I got sober and worked hard to keep it that way.

That time it lasted 5.5 years. I felt great. I was able to be around alcohol with no desire to drink it. I felt confident and secure in sobriety. Then just recently, right before my last move, I started to have a lot of repressed memories come back all at once. I'm not sure if it was related to the impending move, as I was moving back to the area where I grew up, or not. All I know is that my world I thought I knew suddenly came crashing down. The past that I thought I had a handle on turned out to be much, much worse than I'd originally remembered. Everything felt out of control, I was angry, I didn't care anymore, and my roommate had beer in the fridge. Bad combination. That started me on a week long binge that included all sorts of craziness. It was very scary what a short time it took to go from sober to drinking constantly. The only reason I was able to get sober was I knew I had to move, which included an 8 hour drive that I obviously couldn't do while drinking.

As I've mentioned in other posts, sobriety didn't last long when I moved. My housing fell through and I ended up living in my car. The stress of being back here was too much and I had a breakdown complete with drinking again. But I'm back on the wagon now...back to sober. I've been sober for 59 days now and every single one of them has been a fight. All of that confidence and security around alcohol has been 100% erased. I get angry and jealous of my friends that get to go have a beer at the end of a long day. I hate facing my abuse memories sober. I so badly want to erase the bad out of my mind like I used to be able to, even if just for a few minutes. I know I can't, and I know all the reasons why, but it's still a hard and constant fight.

Sobriety has come up in my life in two big ways lately. The first was yesterday. Through a mountain biking program I've been working with that takes youth organizations from the city on rides, I had the chance to work with a group from an adolescent substance abuse treatment place. I was a bit nervous going in since I did most of my heavy drinking and drug use was in my teens. I wasn't sure how I would react to teens from a similar situation. The night before I started having panic attacks...thinking what if I hear them talk about drinking and drugs and I want to go back? I also started having tons of memories from my time out on my own which i usually don't think about too much (since it's all still a bit foggy).

Anyway, I was relieved from the start to find that I was able to quickly look at their teenage bs and see it as teenage bs. I had no desire to go back there. There were definitely triggers though, as the kids all seemed to have similar stories to mine (homelessness, foster care, neglect, etc.). But I hit it off really well with a particular kid and ended up working with him for most of the day. At the end, we all circled up and everyone had a chance to say what they'd like about the day and how they felt about their ride. He looked right at me, smiled, and said that he'd actually really enjoyed a day being sober. And it really looked and felt genuine the way he said it. It melted my heart and meant way more to me than I'd expected. This was the kid who all day long as making jokes about wanting to go party, asking where the keg is, etc. etc. (that teenage bs I was referring to). It felt amazingly good to realize that I had positively influenced someone else's sobriety. I made that one day easier for him, and really that's what it's all about. The one day at a time thing never changes. And in a sense that's what sobriety (and healing, and life in general) is all about...being there for each other and helping each other to get one more day...one more moment. It was a very moving, important day for me. Surprisingly the staff told me that this particular boy rarely opens up to anyone and usually has a lot more tough guy attitude.

So now today I find out that Amy Winehouse has died, most likely of a drug overdose. This really hurts me to hear. She was almost exactly a year older than me. She's where I could've been (well, I can't sing, but otherwise), if my life had gone a very different direction. I loved her song Rehab when it first came out. I thought it was hilarious. Until I realized how badly she really did need rehab. Then it made me sad for her. Now I can't listen to it at all. I wasn't a huge fan of her music, and don't know a lot about her, but her death is hitting me hard. It just feels close to home. A young addict like I was/am. Another reason to keep fighting and to stay sober. Another reason to not get lazy about recovery. I need stuff like this in my life. It's good for me. I need to see others battling addiction so I can stay strong. That's what meetings and such are all about. I'm not sure where I'm going with this except to say that I'm struggling now. In the last few days my heart as felt both lifted and positive but also heavy and low. I hope that this death will help encourage other young ppl to get help. I hope that the boy I worked with will be able to get and stay sober successfully. I hope for a lot of things but i'm struggling. Struggling to hold on to hope.