On my last post I wrote about what an amazing week I have had. That was my work self.
I have another self. That self has not had such a great time.
The people who know me through work would never believe what I am like at home, especially lately. The people who know me through online support groups, this blog, etc. would likely struggle to believe that my work self could really be me.
I love my job, but it takes a lot out of me. I come home exhausted. And exhaustion makes it very hard to deal with the rest of life.
Unfortunately, the rest of life for me is rather huge.
The rest of life consists of being constantly flooded by horrific memories of childhood abuse and torture. I've only recently been able to use the word torture, but that really is what it was. The memories are relentless. Usually I can fight them off at work because I have so much else to focus on. But I can't be working all the time. I can't distract all the time. As soon as I begin to relax, everything else attacks. I am forced to see vividly in my mind what I went through. I have flashbacks so intense I dissociate, sometimes for hours at a time. Sometimes on weekends and after work I have giant blocks of time where I can't tell you where I was or what I was doing. I can only guess from what's in my head.
The flashbacks bring with them the awful thoughts and emotions that went with them as a child. When I come back from them I feel like the worst person in the world. I question how anyone would want anything to do with me, or how anyone could stand being close to me. I feel disgusting. I feel like poison. A far, far cry from my loving, energetic work self.
I know these feelings are common for sexual abuse survivors but that doesn't make them any easier to deal with. I know logically that I was a child and could not have been at fault for my abuse. But abusers are skilled at making you believe that. It's so awful...not only are they hurting you so badly but they're also convincing you that you caused it, or that you want it, or that you deserve it. Truly awful the power that they have.
I come home after work and the memories invade. The horrible feelings overcome me. I fight to stay in the present and not to hurt myself. Lately, I have not even been able to eat. Remember my post from a while back about hunger? About how I have food with me constantly and need to eat at the first sign of any hunger because it's such a huge trigger for me? Well, the evil voices from my past have gotten so strong that I hear them telling me I'm not good enough to eat. I remember them throwing my food away while I watched, telling me I wasn't deserving. And now I feel so totally low that I can't bring myself to feel I deserve food. Of course that brings up all sorts of additional horrible panic. I feel so hungry, but just looking at food causes me to panic and feel sick. How could I possibly deserve that? How could I possibly deserve to eat? I deserve to be hurt. I deserve the pain that comes from lack of food.
This is all very scary stuff to say out loud. This is the reason I haven't blogged this week. It's not the kind of stuff I want to admit to an audience. Worse yet, these same feelings that tell me I don't deserve even basic things make me feel that this isn't something I'm meant to share. It's something I'm supposed to suffer in silence. I have tried multiple times to write something...to email friends...to ask for help...but the words just don't come. The more it hurts the more I feel trapped deep inside.
But here's the thing. My work self isn't faked. When I'm out with the kids I'm not faking smiles. I genuinely care and I do everything to make their experience the best it can be. And I love it. I'm truly happy, I feel on top of the world.
Both of these selves are true selves. I guess it's good that I can separate them so well so I can have a functional exterior. I'm definitely thankful that none of the parents (or kids) know that at night I come home and curl up in a little ball and cry. I'm so glad they don't know what else goes on inside my head. I just wish I could feel some of that glory even when I relax. Even when I'm not pouring every ounce of energy into being that strong self. Maybe some day.
For now I need to walk away from this before I get too scared to post it. Ya'll may get tired of hearing me whine, but I need to let this self out to speak. It's almost 11:00 am now and I haven't eaten since last night when I had a few bites of chicken. Before that I hadn't eaten since lunch. (I'm able to eat a full lunch because while at work these feelings aren't there). I'm very hungry, but still afraid to eat. Afraid to even leave my room. Something is very much not right here. :(
Oh, and to make matters worse...due to some unfortunate scheduling, I will not be working for the next two weeks. I was supposed to be going out of town to see some friends but that trip has fallen through. While I know I have a lot to do that I haven't been able to do when tired from work, I'm very scared for where these next two weeks will lead!
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