Sunday, July 10, 2011

And isn't it ironic...

In the midst of my current life confusion, one of the things I'm struggling with a lot is making sense of anything complicated. Basically, my world is spinning. So many of my thoughts right now are dedicated to processing the memories and facing the flashbacks that won't leave me alone. Every action I take requires a series of thoughts and precautions about how it might trigger me. Even changing positions tends to require a great deal of self talk if anything comes up when I do it. As soon as the scary stuff starts to come up I have to figure out how to work through it and focus on something in the current moment. I have to fight it to keep from going deep in to flashback land, where I sometimes don't come out for a long, long time. I have to stay always on guard so that nothing can catch me by surprise.

With all that going on in my head, it's like there's little room for anything else. Add to that that laying down isn't working so well for me right now so I've slept probably a total of one night's worth over the last week.

The big irony though...if I see a big page of writing my brain shuts down. When doing school work I'm doing the old grade school method of covering up all but a few words so I can focus a little bit at a time. Otherwise it turns in to a list of words that I just can't seem to gather the brain power to make into meaningful sentences. But every time I sit down to write, I end up writing a novel. Maybe it's because I can't make my thoughts come out in order so they ramble, or maybe I have a lot more to say than I realize, but I look back over my blog and think "wow I'm glad I don't have to read all that!" lol Hopefully not everyone else feels the same. :)

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