Anonymous asks:
Hi River :)
thanks for doing this. A little background, my foster children are pre teen. Mom is a homeless, workless drug addict.
previous Mom was a druggie, who pimped her kids out, and did not provide for them in any shape or form.
Here is my question: WHY do these kids idolize 'MOM'? Why are they not angry? Why do they not question 'mom', and ASK questions of WHY Mom did what she did?? These kids lost EVERYTHING due to the choices 'mom' made!1
WHY do I hear day in day out "I can't wait to go 'home' to my Mom"
why don't they appreciate the least bit that HERE they have running water, food, clean clothes (and plenty of em), fun, safety, and sober foster parents?
I ask myself lately if I even want to continue fostering older kids....I am so fed up with the daily feeling of 'not being ever good enough' for these kids.
Hi anonymous,
Thanks for the question. :)
Before I go in to more detail, I want to address a specific part of this that jumped out at me. Mainly: "why don't they appreciate the least bit that HERE they have running water, food, clean clothes (and plenty of em), fun, safety, and sober foster parents?"
Think back to when you were a pre-teen. Obviously I don't know anything about your life, but how often did you show appreciation for running water, food, sober parents, etc.? Pre-teens are great at showing appreciation anyway, but these things are supposed to be a right for all children. I understand where you're coming from, and it's great that you have been able to give them so much, but I think these are hard things to ask kids to show appreciation for.
One of the issues I see come up often with parents fostering older kids is that the foster parents want the kids to be constantly grateful for all they have been given. They want their foster kids to say, "Wow, thank you so much for all of these wonderful things you have provided me with! Thank you for rescuing me from that terrible situation I was in before!" And at first look, this is a logical thing to expect. After all, some of these foster kids have come from absolutely terrible situations. How can they not be grateful for everything now being given to them.
But here's the thing. From the kid side, they have lost EVERYTHING. Anon, (can I call ya Anon? Anony? :-P) you said that your kids have lost everything, but I don't think you're seeing the entirety of that everything. No matter how awful their life may have looked from the outside, it was theirs and now they've lost it. They've lost their mom and their sense of home, regardless of if that home was in a car, a shelter, or whatever else. By going in to foster care, they've lost everything they knew in life. So, everything has been taken away from them and now they're being asked to be grateful for it. That's a tough thing to swallow at a young age (and yes, pre-teens are still very young in the big picture of things).
That said, I don't know how long these kids have been with you, but respect and appreciation are things that you can expect out of children in your home. I'm not saying that these kids should be allowed to have whatever they want all the time, just to make sure you're not expecting them to be extra appreciative because of what you "saved" them from. Instead, I would try to give them a bit of lee way because of what they have lost. (Especially if the loss of their bio family is very recent...if it has been a while you can expect more, though understand it's still a struggle for them).
As for "idolizing" bio mom, I have a few theories on that.
First, it may be their desperation to have a relationship with her and believe that she loves and cares about them. If they've been with you for a while, they have likely seen that you are true to your word and will be there for them. They know that their bm will not. They have to fight to believe that there is good in their bm and that she hasn't left them forever. They know that even if they hurt you you will stick around, so their emphasis is on convincing bm to love them, or convincing themselves that she still does.
Similarly, they might be so hurt by what bm has done that they're in denial and creating a fantasy world to feel better about their lives. This fantasy world could either be purposeful or subconscious. For example, have you ever had something really bad happen in your life, and then looked back on it later and thought "well it wasn't SO bad..." Or maybe you've been hurt by a good friend and sworn you would never speak to them again, but then as you spend more time away from that friend you start to think "Oh but remember how much fun we had together! I sure do miss her!" Our memories can tend to hold on to the good parts and let the bad parts go, causing us to mis-remember just how bad it was, especially if we are trying to convince ourselves it wasn't so bad. No kid wants to admit just how bad life with their bio family was. I'm struggling with that a lot right now and I'm 26. I'm only just now coming to terms with how bad it was. I was trying to hold on to my bio parents "meaning well" or "just making a mistake" or whatever other excuses I could come up with for them.
They may also be terrified and/or blame themselves for the bad things that have happened. Maybe they've been conditioned throughout their lives to believe that if they get angry at mom then bad things will happen to them. Kids who have been abused often learn early on that anger at those that have hurt them can result in awful consequences. Also talking about it all can lead to similar awful results. It doesn't matter in their eyes that the ppl who hurt them are not immediately there, the thoughts are still present. Also it could be something much less direct than that. It may be a subconscious feeling that they did something wrong to end up in foster care and believe it will only be made ok when they go "home." They may feel that they have hurt their bio mom and need to make up for it. The thing is that it's very possible that they are not consciously aware of these thoughts, but are just acting on what they believe deep down or what has been programmed into them. Getting actively angry at an abuser (regardless of the type of abuse) is something that many survivors struggle a long time with. We're really good at getting angry with and blaming ourselves and those around us who care about us, but placing the blame and anger on the one who deserves it is another issue altogether. I wish I could better explain the reasoning for that but I'm sure it's probably a fear thing. It takes A LOT to face the person who hurt you, even if it is just in emotion. While I get angry at my parents sometimes...most of the times I still blame myself for what happened even though logically I know it could not have been my fault. As a young child it would be even harder to come to grips with these very big emotions.
A lot of this is very hard to answer without knowing how long the kids have been with you and how long they've been away from their bio family. If you'd like to reply again with more details I could probably give you a more specific answer and less generalizations. But what I will say regardless, is to understand that recovering from something like what your kids have come from is a gigantically huge process. You say they've been raised by a drug addict, "pimped out", homeless, and not provided for in any way. Any ONE of those things is enough to have serious, life-long effects on a child. These are major traumas that are very difficult to process. I would guess that deep down they do genuinely appreciate being safe and all of the things you're providing for them, but they don't know how to express it. Unfortunately for you it instead comes out in a way that is hurtful to you.
I don't mean for this reply to sound mean or harsh. I can see that the hard work you're putting in is going mostly unnoticed by the kids you are working for, and i'm sure that is really difficult. I would try to remind yourself that even if they aren't acknowledging it, it may well not be unnoticed. It took me until years later to truly acknowledge what my foster parents did for me. My first foster parents especially...I did everything I possibly could to make their lives a living hell because I was waiting for the time when they would turn in to my bio parents and hurt me. They reacted again and again with kindness, and it wasn't until many years down the road that I was finally able to recognize all they did for me and come back to thank them.
Also I would say to realize that this is a lot to take on for both you and them. Get the kids in therapy if they're not already, and maybe find some therapy for yourself as well. It may help to have someone in your corner as you go through all of this. If you'd like to reply with some more detail I'd be happy to add more directly to your situation. But regardless, best of luck, and thank you for taking on this challenge of fostering older kids. I know it's not easy!
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And to the other anonymous...because I don't know if you're the same one or not...who asked, "so when can we expect answers?"
1.) Now.
2.) Hold your horses. Patience is a virtue. All that good stuff.
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And now to everyone....want to ask a question? Do it already! :-P Go here: http://riverbirdsplace.blogspot.com/2011/07/ask-river.html
thanks River :)
ReplyDeleteno, that 2. ano was NOT me!!