God?

Those of you that I talk to regularly know that I have a strange relationship with the whole god thing...to say the least. I don't want to get into a religion thing here at all, but I've had quite a few spiritual moments lately. I'm talking about the kind of moments where things just happen in a serendipitous kind of way.

AA talks a lot about God, or another Higher Power. This is a bit of a struggle for me, but not impossible. I'm not an atheist. Far from it. I'm actually a very spiritual person. A big part of the reason I love to be out in the mountains is to feel that incredible feeling of looking out at the giant, amazing world we live in. From the top of a mountain the people look like ants, and the houses and cars like toys. Trees come together into one large blanket of color. Many artists and photographers have been inspired by such a view. But then you think further into it. Each piece of that blanket of color is an individual tree with animals living in it's branches, fruit growing for the animals to eat, and perhaps even a vine or two hanging from it. It's roots stretch deep in the ground, helping to prevent erosion of the soil. Deeper still. Every tree, every animal, every being, is made up of cells, molecules, atoms, etc. I've never quite understood why so many people see science as a sort of opposite to religion. For me, if science proves anything it's that there's some kind of higher power behind all of this. The world works together in such an indescribable symbiosis. I just don't see any way that that could be an accident. Yes, there's scientific explanation for it all, but the fact that it's happened, and that it works with such amazing balance, is nothing short of miraculous to me.

And that's why I love the feeling from the mountain top. I love to breathe the fresh air and feel the breathe through my hair. I love to just "be" out there as a part of everything. Such a small part, but somehow a part of the great balance. And I feel a presence there. I don't believe in the god of the bible (for many reasons not to be discussed here), but I don't believe for a second that we're alone. I guess I believe something similar to the Native American Great Spirit. I believe that there is a spirit inside of everything and everyone, and it's what connects us. I see this spirit as the traveling wind, or the sunshine emerging from behind a cloud.

And wow that was not the tangent I meant to go on! lol

Anyway...I don't know about prayer and all that other stuff, but I do feel comforted by this spirit out there. And I believe that this spirit is behind some of these amazing "coincidences" taking place in my life right now.

The biggest one of late is from last monday. I was not doing well last monday, and didn't make it in for any of my groups. I was especially disappointed that I'd missed the DBT one which seems to really be helping me deal with the flashbacks and panic and all that. Kind of ironic that the excessive flashbacks and panic kept me away from that group, huh? But today I made it back to the group, and found out that apparently something big had gone on last week. It wasn't my place to ask for details (the girl at the center of it was giving an apology for it, so I got only what she offered and bits from how people responded). What I gathered was that the woman's abusive husband came in and made quite a scene in the group. Since then he was apparently angry all week, hit her multiple times, the cops have been involved, etc. Now obviously I feel terrible for this woman, but I have to say I am so so SO glad I wasn't there to witness this. Like I said I don't know what happened, but being anywhere close to an abuser and his ways would've set me back a hundred million miles...especially with all the panic that was already taking place in my head. Last monday I told myself that it doesn't matter how crappy I felt, that I needed to get myself to that group and get the help. But for some strange reason I just couldn't do it and couldn't get myself there. Things kept coming up instead. In a sense I think that was the spirit keeping me safe.

I started Antabuse today. Antabuse is a medication that has no effect other than to make one very sick if that one is to drink. My therapist has been suggesting for a while that I go on this medication so I can take my energy away from fighting cravings and instead towards focusing on the healing I need to do. My pride has been keeping me off of it. "Lots of people quit with no medical help. Why should I be any different? I can do it myself. I just need to be strong." Etc. etc. But today I made the decision to start it. I told the dr. that I didn't necessarily think that I needed it to be successful, but more that it was my way of giving up that security blanket ("Well if it gets TOO bad I'll just drink") and really going all in on this program, no matter how hard I know it's going to be. It was a much more emotional decision than I had expected it to be. I actually cried. It was like a final good-bye to the friend that's been there with me through it all. Yes, as my IOP group mentioned, also the friend who has messed up so much of my life, stolen all my money, made me sick, etc...but still the one thing that has repeatedly worked in the moment. At this same afternoon group, I found out that this girl I have felt strangely connected to from the start though I couldn't say why, also just started on Antabuse today. She described the same thoughts as me of the pride issue, as well as a lot of the same symptoms during detox and early sobriety as I've had. She has almost the exact same amount of sobriety as I do (though she did have a 2-day "oopsie" in the middle of it). Anyway I just felt even more connected with her today. It seemed like the spirit was there for that too. She's going to come w/me to the art therapy group on wednesday. She's been wanting to come but has been hesitant to try it.

All these little things keep working in my favor. It seems like the spirit is there, and the universe is supporting me in this endeavor. It's helping me to believe that the decisions I'm making are good ones. I ended up talking in the DBT group about wanting to quit "for real this time," though I had a hard time describing what I meant by that. I think this is what I was trying to say. I'm not just stopping drinking this time...I'm working with people and getting help. I don't feel like it's me against the world this time. Instead it feels like i'm finding a new path, and it seems to be in harmony with the universe and the spirit. (And did I just sound like a hippy there or what??!! lol)

One last little piece of nice-ness. I had to miss most of IOP today bc I was dealing with the dr. and getting the Antabuse stuff underway. Apparently because there weren't many people there, or something, they quit early and were wrapping up right as I came back in. I got put on the spot to answer the questions for the day, which were what was working well in recovery, and what am I grateful for. Now remember I'm coming off a hellish weekend with tons of flashbacks, and basically locking myself in my apartment because the cravings were so bad I was terrified of what I would do out in the world. The only coping mechanism that had "worked" for me for the weekend was cutting...a habit I thought i'd been done with a long while ago. I said I didn't know, and that nothing seemed to be working too well for me. One of the guys said "Is IOP working for you?" And I realized that yes, it is, and that I am so grateful to have this place to go where people understand me, and notice and miss me when I'm gone. These are people that actually worry about me and want to make sure I'm ok. I have very few of those in my face to face world so it's a very big deal to me.

After IOP I stayed and talked to Stupidface (IOP facilitator) because I needed to know how big of a deal it was that I was going back to cutting, another addiction, while attempting to quit the drinking. What he said was just so nice, and so what I needed to hear in that moment. He said he didn't want to minimize the pain I'd been in that caused me to do the cutting, but that he really thought it was no big deal. He said I'm doing well by continuing to fight and continuing to show up everywhere I can. He went on to say that he thinks I have an amazing heart in that I so genuinely care about those around me even though the world gave me something I should've never had to have gone through. He said he's been impressed by my willingness to be there day after day and be honest and open about what is happening with my world. (Oh, and he also said that he liked my story. :) Anyway, it just meant a lot to me that in my moment of feeling like such a fuck up, he told me that I am ok and that I am doing well. He said he wants to help me come up with a plan for this friday night so I can start next weekend on better footing (friday evening/night seems to be when everything goes to hell), and then asked if there was anything else he could do for me.

So yes, I'm grateful for this new amazing world where people know me and are concerned for me and won't let me slip away. I'm grateful to have somewhere that I can turn to, even in my low moments. I'm grateful to have this new little world full of people who seem to have decided not to give up on me. And, I'll admit, I'm grateful for IOP ending early so I had some extra time to study for midterms this week. Eek!

Tonight I'm starting a new old volunteer job. This is a place where I volunteered very regularly in college part I. I haven't been there in about 4 years but I'm really excited to go back. It's an amazing place that helps struggling single parents get back on their feet. I volunteer with the childcare in the evenings while the parents take life-skills type classes. It's always fun because I get to play with kids (and I so need some good quality kid time right now!) but I think now it will mean even more to me because I'm just rebuilding as well. Thankfully I don't have kids yet, but I think I have a much clearer sense right now of being where many of these women (and occasional men) likely are. I think it will be all the more meaningful for me to help others rebuild when I am working so hard to rebuild myself.

It's been a hellish weekend, but for right now, in this moment, the world is ok. I know there will be plenty more bad and plenty more good, but for now i'm just stopping to smell the roses. That's what I'm learning right now. To take these moments of peacefulness as they come, and appreciate them for what they are. And just breathe. And feel the Spirit.