Positive, empowering, etc.

Yep...this is going to be a positive post. Because there ARE positive things happening in my crazy world.

On wednesday afternoon I had to do a site visit for one of my classes. That means I had to visit the local children's home to take a tour and learn about their programs, services, funding, etc. Well, I could've chosen any agency, but I'm in school to help kids who have been abused so I had to stay true to that. This particular children's home is an amazing program. It has both residential and day kids and it's basically a very therapeutically intensive school that will take just about any behavior issues. It's pretty much exactly the kind of work I want to do. They take the truly difficult kids...those who are violent, sexually act out, etc. They said that most of the residential kids have been in at least 2 out of home placements before coming there. So yeah you can see why this would hit a little close to home I imagine?

I was very nervous going in...and it was hard to be there...but it also brought up this amazing feeling of passion in me. I was sure like I've never been sure in my life that that is what I'm meant to be doing. I remember being that scared child with no adult to turn to and no one to trust. I want to be that adult for another kid....that one that stays when everyone else turns their backs. I became so so sure that i'm doing the right thing by being in school again and that that is going to be my purpose. I suddenly just felt like I'm meant to be there.

With all the "floating" I feel like my life has been doing lately...not sure what's going to happen next...where i'm going...overwhelming emotions...no idea what's right, etc....this was amazing. It was also a struggle. After I left and the adrenaline wore off I was majorly triggered. Tons of past memories came racing back to me. But I practiced some of the mindfulness exercises I've been learning in my therapy groups....telling myself that i'm safe, that those are in the past, and narrating what i'm doing in the present...and I was actually able to get them to go away for the whole drive home. I had this amazing drive home where I was just totally in the present, calm, and peaceful. My mind wasn't wandering. I was noticing all the fall colors, noticing the different cars, etc, but keeping the memories away. That may sound silly to a lot of you, but it was incredible to me.

Now on to thursday...which is generally a very difficult day for me because I have school from 12:00-8:00. I don't do well with evening classes (or evenings in general) at all, so it's nearly impossible for me to focus and not let my thoughts drift. The evening class is also the one that is really challenging because it's actually working towards learning about the population I want to work with (kids who have been abused), programming for them, and general therapeutic type activities. It can be very intense for me, and earlier in the semester I had one class session where I cried almost the entire time. Nearly every time I have to go for walks at least a couple times to refocus, and I usually end up playing computer games on the side just to keep from getting totally lost. And I always want a drink afterwards!! But this time I had to/got to share about my site visit. I ended up talking quite a bit because the professor kept asking more questions and bringing up more different things related to child abuse and its after effects, foster care, etc. I got to share so much knowledge and tell the class all about what abused kids go through and all that. They don't know about my past (though they're probably starting to guess....especially since I shared my collage I made that talked about kids no one believes in and I mentioned how I was a kid no one believed in) but it was still so empowering to get to say everything I did. I felt like I was using my past to do something good in person (I know i've helped ppl online in that kind of thing, but it's a whole different ballgame doing it face to face!). We were all sitting in a circle so I had no escape, but I stayed strong and was able to answer all the questions and discuss the different topics and everything. At the end of the class I felt absolutely exhausted but not as overwhelmed and panicky as I normally am. Instead I felt proud...and maybe a bit of happiness sneaking in there. Or at least non-worthlessness.

I talked to the professor after class, because the site visit got me wondering if my major is right for me. I'm studying therapeutic recreation, because I really want to work with kids out in nature and use more nature/adventure/recreation focused techniques, but the place that I visited no longer offers the therapeutic rec program because of financial stuff. I asked who they would hire and they said maybe someone with my degree depending on coursework. Anyway I talked with the professor and we discussed some different options...but the cool part about it was that she commented on how I'm really getting it and I'm really doing well in the class. She said she's been very impressed with my work and that I'm "definitely on the right path." I can't tell you how good that feels to hear considering that this was a class that I started out almost 3 weeks behind due to various issues. It was a long time before I could really participate and I still struggle to. But the prof. sees the part of me that is putting in the work and she's working with me. Between the two of us I'm starting to see success.

And I'm seeing a lot of successes in my life right now. Most are little things...I finally got all the paperwork done for my apartment stuff. That feels good because I'm taking care of business on my own and getting things done. I bought a matching shower curtain and bath mat, which just feels good in such a silly way because i'm decorating my place and making it my own. I'm working on other decorations. I'm just really starting to feel human again and feel like I'm on such a good path.

I talked about a lot of this in group this morning and stupidface (group facilitator) congratulated me and called me the optimist for the rest of the time (something i'm NOT generally associated with! lol). Everyone was really supportive too, which was cool. Then I had to go talk to the payment guru to figure out some issues w/him and he commented on what a good job I'm doing and how he knows i'm working hard and doing everything I can to get better. (He's actually going above and beyond in a way that's difficult to explain here in order to keep this affordable for me because he can see change in me and see that i'm working at it.

It's just amazing to be recognized for positive things right now, and to have so many people say that i'm doing right. And better yet, to really feel like I'm doing right. I'm able to celebrate all these little accomplishments in a way i've never been able to before. I really hit the bottom this time but now I'm on my way up and I can feel each and every little building block accomplishment. Not to say it's easy or anything...not at all...but I'm seeing and feeling potential for success. And after the dark place i've been in for so long...that's HUGE!

I'm not sure I'm ready for "life is good" yet, but it does seem to suck a great deal less right now. I'm doing everything I can to hold on to all these positive feelings and drink in every little bit of them so I'll have them for the next dark place. The weekend will be interesting...lots of unstructured time...but here's hoping for more along the positive path. Thanks for reading! :)