No longer homeless! Yay!

It's true...I have an apartment!

After a HUGE panic attack I made it in to sign the lease late sunday afternoon and got the keys. It's mostly empty right now, but I've surprised myself by how much I like it. I expected to be very scared to be there alone...especially since I really haven't been alone since the hospital over a month ago...but it felt strangely peaceful to be there. I made it through a night there totally on my own.

It's a weird feeling. I'm very excited to have my own space and not have to rely on others for a place to stay. I'm also so relieved to have my own breathing room. I'm generally a very independent and relatively solitary person. I know the level of isolation I reached before the hospital was very unhealthy, but my alone time is very valuable to me. I was and am very afraid that with all this space and time I'm going to end up drinking....I mean what's to stop me from filling my big new fridge w/alcohol....but the more time I spend there it feels like a very visual, physical fresh start. This is going to be the change in my life for the better. It's the first step on my path to health. It's the first step to a safe, healthy, real life. I'm very protective of it already, and excited to get some more stuff in there and make it my own. Even with nothing in it right now I'm still very proud of it. Though I do need to get some extra blankets in there or something for padding. The carpet is SO not soft enough for sleeping on. Eventually I'll get a bed...it's just hard to find one that's affordable. I don't want to spend a ton but I also definitely don't want to buy a used one. Ew. I'm excited to get my tv back and see if I can get my video games back from my brothers. They know they're just "borrowing" them, but they're rather attached! lol

My IOP group today was a rough one. A couple people were talking about having their parents looking over their shoulder all the time and watching to make sure they stay safe and sober. At first I was thinking just that I could relate to having ppl checking in on me all the time. It's a good thing...but it can get overwhelming and frustrating. But then I just started sobbing because it just hit me that I don't have a mom and dad to look after me and I never have. I am very blessed to have LOTS of amazing people who do care about me...but it went back to that primal hurt of my biological parents never caring. Instead of worrying and protecting me from hurt, they were the ones that caused the hurt. That just hit me all at once and I couldn't help but cry. I'm still on the verge of tears. I have another group to go to in an hour....the one about mindfulness and staying present. I think that's just what I need right now because my brain is getting lost in all sorts of places.

I guess I'd better go find something to eat before the next group....though all the stress and memories is making me feel like I'm going to throw up. I'm hoping that soon my body will start to actually be hungry again. I am able to eat regularly now and eat pretty much anything, but food never sounds good. I kinda have to force myself to eat when I know it's time, because my body wants it but seems to tell me by getting sick. Ugh.