Giving up...

But in a good way! At least I'm trying to keep reminding myself it's a good thing.

I gave up all of my alcohol stashes to my friend who is staying w/me.

As ya'll know I have been trying to quit, but I haven't been willing to fully give in to it. I've always had some little bit around, that for one reason or another I wouldn't get rid of. Tonight I gave it all over. And then I cried, and wanted to jump up and get it all back again. I made her hide it from me and i'm really struggling with not going hunting for it while she's in the shower. I didn't realize just how emotional it was going to be to give it over. But my dr. pointed out today that I wasn't really ready to quit if I was holding on to some of it (for stupid reasons like I paid a lot for it). I know that what he said is obvious for others out there but that was a hard bit for me to swallow.

He did prescribe something to help with cravings. Something called naltrexone that I'm still learning about. It's strange but it really bothers me to have a prescription for this. I guess because I don't feel like I'm "that much" of an alcoholic....or that It's admitting defeat by taking medical help and not just doing it on my own. But dr. said this can be especially important for ppl who have the genetics for addiction...which I definitely do. I can't come up with a single biological relative that isn't addicted to something or has been in the past! Anyway, I guess it feels a little like the easy way out....and a tough realization that I'm not as in control as I thought I was....but I guess crying over giving up my alcohol should cover that too. Honestly, after that experience I'm much more ok with taking the meds.

I have another group tomorrow morning, and then what happens after that is still up in the air. The dr. is recommending the IOP but I haven't heard back about getting in to it. I called the guy that I did the intake with about seeing a new t. I called him tonight after business hours so I could leave a message and think through what I wanted to say. Not sure what's going to happen next in that department.

I guess that's all for now. Just feeling very overwhelmed by the world....but I guess this is progress or something.

Oh...and I went to the movies in an attempt to distract myself...saw Moneyball. That 2.5 hour movie was about 2 hours too long! Yikes! At least it gave me something to do other than search for alcohol....and I got to eat popcorn...lol