Still full...

I'm struggling. I'm still going but I'm struggling.

Yesterday was tough. I'm not sure why...I was just jittery and panicky and yucky feeling. By the time I got home my head was so full of stuff I could barely make sense of driving and rules of the road and all that. It was a bit scary and I had to stop a couple times to regroup. Just bad.

Anyway...I was so miserable but I finally managed to settle enough to sit and watch a movie. I couldn't sleep at all but suddenly this peace came over me. I was up for most of the night but I didn't feel stressed and anxious like I normally do when I can't sleep. I was just enjoying the quiet and the peace of the night (which usually scares the hell outta me...but anyway...).

On wednesday in my IOP group we were talking about writing...so I decided during this peaceful time that I wanted to print a story i've written and bring it to the group today. I went to the 24 hour copy place to print it and bring it in. It was nice, though a little overwhelming, to have ppl read it and comment on it. It is one I really like though...I'll have to see if I've posted it here...can't remember. It fits very well with what i'm going through right now, though I wrote it before I went to the hospital.

So this morning started good, even though I was on basically no sleep. Group went pretty well...I was smiling and enjoying ppl's company. Then I went home in the early afternoon and the tiredness was catching up with me. Tiredness is not a good thing for me right now cus i seem to lose the ability to get out of my head and out of the yucky stuff. Oh, and I had to do a UA after my group...which is a big trigger for me because the bathroom is video monitored. Ugh. It's a requirement for my program to prove I'm staying sober...so I get why it's there....but if I think about it too much it just really gets to me.

So that started me out in a bad place...and then the tiredness put me over the top. I finally fell asleep but ended up having horrible nightmares. There's just something about having these horrific nightmares in the middle of the day that just drives me crazy. It's weird to wake up and hear the world going on as normal outside.

This was one of the worst nightmares I've had in a long time. So so so real. I woke up feeling very sick to my stomach, and had to spend a long time convincing myself that I'm safe, that I'm not a child anymore, that the bad people aren't really here, etc. etc. I'm still feeling really sick and gross. I managed to force myself to eat a bit, but that was all I could manage. Now I'm just sitting here feeling disgusting like I did after the stuff would happen. I just can't shake the feeling of being dirty and everything just being wrong. Can't really fully describe it but I'd give anything to make it go away.

There is some good news though. For one, I have internet in my apartment now! Yay! That is really helpful to have such a great distraction. Sucked dealing with the internet ppl with all this in my head but at least I got it done. Also, on wednesday I got an absolutely incredible massage. I needed it so bad after all the stress i've been under plus all the physical issues from detox (I shook so bad for so long that my arms would ache!). The massage was amazing, but I also got to talking to the massage therapist about drinking. I remembered she had mentioned in passing last time (months ago) that she was annoyed w/her daughter bringing alcohol into the house when she doesn't drink. I didn't know if she was an alcoholic though or if she just didn't like to drink or what. Turns out she had been sober for 6 months and just relapsed, so she and I have almost the exact same sober date. She also has similar abuse history to me. This is good news bc it's another person on my team...and we're both dragging each other to a meeting tomorrow. Neither of us want to go but it should be good for us. I'm a little irritated w/her right now cus she's not answering my texts but at least i'll have her support tomorrow. I hate to celebrate in ppl sharing my pain, but it's nice to have ppl to lean on who can relate.

The PTSD and abuse stuff has been incredibly isolating lately. I'm finding myself more and more around ppl who can relate to the drinking and the struggle to stay sober....but very few understand the panic attacks, flashbacks, nightmares, etc. that I face while sober. I know everyone has their own shit they face in sobriety, but I just don't have anyone I can talk to about that stuff in my face to face life. I'm considering joining a survivors support group but I'm not sure if that's healthy for me right now or not. My therapist keeps saying to do what I can not to delve very deep into the past crap cus I need to practice staying grounded and focused on the present in order to stay sober. I'm not yet strong enough in sobriety to really start workin through past shit. I get that...but at the same time the past shit is there whether I like it or not...and I need ppl who can get that. I need ppl who don't look at me like i'm nuts when I talk about it...because i'm starting to talk about it whether i like it or not.

Anyway...I know this post is kinda crazy and convoluted but that's where my head is right now. One other interesting thing that happened....for a big chunk of today I really really wanted a hug. With everyone I was around I imagined them hugging me. (And I did actually get one real hug). That may sound like nothing but I've had a MAJOR touch aversion thing goin on for months now. Since the memories have gotten so bad I can't stand the feeling of having ppl touch me. But for some reason today I just so badly wanted touch. I don't now since the nightmare, but the feeling was there for a while.

Anyway gonna shut up cus not sure this makes much sense as it is. Thanks for listening.