Crazy

Life is crazy right now. I really don't know how else to put it. It's funny though, because very little is actually going on. But everything feels huge right now.

I met with my new therapist. I already know him from the BFI from way back when. Already I like him A LOT better than the previous one (stupidface). New t started out with a written treatment plan for me to sign, and discussed w/me what his plan was, what he wants me to focus on, where we're going to go, etc. Sooooo much better. He's also an alcoholic himself....got sober around my age and has now been sober for a whole lot of years (35 I think someone said). But he knows where I'm coming from and how scary it is.

The issue right now is that being sober is bringing back soooooo many memories that I can no longer hide from. It comes in flashbacks, hearing past voices in my head, body memories, etc. Just generally awful stuff all the time. It is so so so tempting to drink right now. Every liquor store calls my name. All I can think about is how one drink could make all this better...stop the pain. I know that it doesn't work that way...that the drinking has bad consequences and the crap never really goes away...but I'm so tired of struggling just to breathe and just to get through the day. I'm tired of scheduling distraction after distraction every day to keep from doin something stupid or panicking or whatever.

Oh, and I'm also tired of distractions...coming back to this after like 20 min. of leaving it open and forgetting I was working on it...lol

Anyway, new therapist wants me to go on a medication called anabuse (i think that's how it's spelled). Basically, it makes you really sick if you drink. I'm on meds that are supposed to lessen the cravings but my cravings are through the roof so it's apparently not doing much. Or if it is doing something than wow it'd be bad w/out it! lol Anyway...when the dr. brought up anabuse I thought that was crazy talk and that I didn't need anything like that. But back then I thought sobriety was going to get a bit easier...or that i'd at least get some more confidence in it..after i'd racked up a few days. Instead, it seems to get worse day by day. The physical stuff is mostly gone but holy shit are the emotions and cravings present. The last few nights I've spent curled up on the floor crying my eyes out dealing with flashbacks and all that. Last night I couldn't sleep for most of the night because laying down was too much of a trigger. That was a nightly battle pre-hospital but something I haven't dealt with a whole lot since. I told everyone that that's what would happen if I didn't have drinking to calm myself down at night. At first I was refusing to quit but then I went on my big binge and realized I don't have near as much control as I like to pretend.

So anabuse would take away my safety net. Right now I can think well if it gets TOO too bad I'll just drink and slow it down. i know drinking is a bad idea and all that jazz, but it's so freakin tempting to just have a break from the pain. It doesn't have to be long...but just a moment of peace to breathe. That's what alcohol gives me. And then a whole lot of shit after that. So basically, agreeing to the anabuse would be going "all in" to their program. It'd be agreeing to really trust them and fight this...which is scary as hell.

But stupidface had a great point about it today during iop (he's a very good group facilitator, just a crappy 1 on 1 therapist). He said that anabuse takes the decision of whether or not to drink out of my hands. It makes drinking not an option. Period. Right now i'm putting a ton of energy into debating whether or not I want to drink, resisting the drink, etc. On the anabuse i'd have more energy to put in to figuring out how to heal because the drink question would be gone. He's got a point there...and a part of me does want to be all in. That part is bigger or smaller depending on the day or hour it seems. But there's also that terrified part of me that just wants to say fuck it and curl up with a bottle. I think what it comes down to though is that I fought for so long to find ANYONE to help me...and now i have a whole team...therapist, psychiatrist, groups...i'd be stupid to waste it. If I wasted it by drinking instead of taking the help I'd probably regret it for a long long time. I don't want to give alcohol that control or power over my future. Then again...holy shit. lol