My head is full...

I've been trying and trying to come up with a way to put my current thoughts and life into words but have come up with basically nothing. Except that my head is full.

I've also come to realize that I do way too much analyzing and trying to see the bigger picture rather than living life as it is.

I saw my therapist today and he basically said just that. We talked about how it's good that I have a vision for the future and a passion for something....but that sometimes I worry so much about the bigger picture that I don't give enough focus to today. Or I get too stressed out today worrying about things in the future.

For example, after my recent renewed energy after the site visit thing I mentioned in an earlier post...i've been talking to my professors for ideas about other classes to take and that kind of thing to point me towards that goal. I've gotten some great ideas, but am also starting to see that it's going to take YEARS to get anywhere close to being in a place to reach where I really want to be. That makes me sad because I'm starting to feel old. I realize that being into my 30's isn't that old...and not too old to be starting a career, it just stresses me out when I think about it.

So my therapist told me to keep my eye on the ball but focus on the day to day.

We also talked about celebrating my accomplishments and trying not to think about where I "should" be or what I "should" be doing. For example, I've started cooking meals in my apartment. Now when i say cooking...we're talking mac & cheese and that sort of thing...which "should" be easy for any adult and even for a lot of kids. But when you consider that for the last loooooong bit of time I've either not been eating, eating fast food, or eating crap that doesn't require cooking. It's been a very, very, very long time since I've actually gathered ingredients and made a meal for myself. So rather than feeling bad that it's not some 3 course meal, or that it's not as healthy as how I used to cook (I used to eat very little processed food)....I need to see it as progress and as success for me right now. I need to be less afraid of failing and stop trying to rush it. Instead I need to celebrate the little things and keep taking baby steps.

So that's the plan for now. And as my therapist always throws in there....first and foremost, don't drink!

I'm also thinking I may start recording what I eat when...as my t things that might be part of my mood swings. I've been eating a ton of processed sugar bc it helps make the cravings go away, but that can result in a big spike of energy and then a crash...which is what i've been feeling a lot lately. I think it goes a lot deeper than that, but i'm sure the sugar is a part of it. It's also just not a habit i want to continue. I also am going to start exercising more now that my detox/stress headaches seem to be mostly gone. I remember from in the past that the more I exercised the less I wanted the sugar because trying to run on a belly-full of candy sucks! Also working out made me crave better food just by nature.

Anyway...lots of goals...and maybe I'm not as confused as I thought I was. These actually started to make some sense after writing them out. Yay!