Tuesday, October 18, 2011

My head is full...

I've been trying and trying to come up with a way to put my current thoughts and life into words but have come up with basically nothing. Except that my head is full.

I've also come to realize that I do way too much analyzing and trying to see the bigger picture rather than living life as it is.

I saw my therapist today and he basically said just that. We talked about how it's good that I have a vision for the future and a passion for something....but that sometimes I worry so much about the bigger picture that I don't give enough focus to today. Or I get too stressed out today worrying about things in the future.

For example, after my recent renewed energy after the site visit thing I mentioned in an earlier post...i've been talking to my professors for ideas about other classes to take and that kind of thing to point me towards that goal. I've gotten some great ideas, but am also starting to see that it's going to take YEARS to get anywhere close to being in a place to reach where I really want to be. That makes me sad because I'm starting to feel old. I realize that being into my 30's isn't that old...and not too old to be starting a career, it just stresses me out when I think about it.

So my therapist told me to keep my eye on the ball but focus on the day to day.

We also talked about celebrating my accomplishments and trying not to think about where I "should" be or what I "should" be doing. For example, I've started cooking meals in my apartment. Now when i say cooking...we're talking mac & cheese and that sort of thing...which "should" be easy for any adult and even for a lot of kids. But when you consider that for the last loooooong bit of time I've either not been eating, eating fast food, or eating crap that doesn't require cooking. It's been a very, very, very long time since I've actually gathered ingredients and made a meal for myself. So rather than feeling bad that it's not some 3 course meal, or that it's not as healthy as how I used to cook (I used to eat very little processed food)....I need to see it as progress and as success for me right now. I need to be less afraid of failing and stop trying to rush it. Instead I need to celebrate the little things and keep taking baby steps.

So that's the plan for now. And as my therapist always throws in there....first and foremost, don't drink!

I'm also thinking I may start recording what I eat when...as my t things that might be part of my mood swings. I've been eating a ton of processed sugar bc it helps make the cravings go away, but that can result in a big spike of energy and then a crash...which is what i've been feeling a lot lately. I think it goes a lot deeper than that, but i'm sure the sugar is a part of it. It's also just not a habit i want to continue. I also am going to start exercising more now that my detox/stress headaches seem to be mostly gone. I remember from in the past that the more I exercised the less I wanted the sugar because trying to run on a belly-full of candy sucks! Also working out made me crave better food just by nature.

Anyway...lots of goals...and maybe I'm not as confused as I thought I was. These actually started to make some sense after writing them out. Yay!

4 comments:

  1. Sounds like you are on the right track! I have been checking in on your blog just not commenting but still sending good wishes and thoughts your way.

    I am almost 36 (eeeewwww) and I am just now doing college classes. My goal is to get through it before my daughter and she will graduate high school this year! I likely won't even start working until I am 40 and I will probably be doing something in social services with children if I am so fortunate.

    I like the idea of just taking one day at a time and celebrating the success of that one day. I know if I look at my goals (school, weight loss, plans for the kids, finances. . . .) on the long term perspective I freak out and just want to hide in a closet with a cheesecake!

    You are doing great, be very proud of yourself!!!

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  2. One of my kid's therapists is trying to teach her to lose the BUT. Don't think, "It's good that I'm cooking again, BUT..." and that kind of thing. Try to just see and acknowledge what's good and don't add BUT. I'm really working on that myself because it seemed like such a smart way to learn to be happier.

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  3. just wanted to say how proud i am of you. you are truly beginning to live instead of just hanging on and that's it. no, it's not easy, it's taking huge amounts of effort, but the fact is, you're doing it! so so proud of you.

    love always,
    me

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  4. Thank you everyone. Was trying to see if I could reply specifically to comments but just wanted to thank you all for your support. It means a lot.

    Jennifer- Can I join you with the cheesecake? lol Love that image!

    Dandelion- I like the thought of taking out the buts. That's a good way to think about it. And losing some butt is always a good thing, right? :-P

    Angie- It's so great to hear from you. I think this is the start of really living. It's scary as hell, but it feels good too.

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