Tribute

Well you know it's been a long time since I've blogged when my blog name isn't even in the list of links that pop up when I type it in.  I had to type it allllll the way in!  lol  Anyway tonight I have something very important and close to my heart to share (I really tried to keep it short, but it got long anyway! lol).

I have a very special friend in AA named Fred.  He was the first person who ever really spoke to me at a meeting.  Some of you may know this story.  I've told it before, though I'm not sure if i've told it here. Fred was the most unlikely first friend for me to have.  He was quite a bit older than me, he'd had a stroke so his face drooped on one side, and he just looked a little rough around the edges.  But he turned out to be so incredibly kind, and just who I needed when I was so alone.

I didn't want to talk to anyone that meeting.  I'd been to a few before, but I always snuck in late, stayed back in the corner, and then left early to avoid having to actually have a conversation.  But this one was a smaller meeting so I had to introduce myself and say I was brand new.  I was sitting next to Fred, and he turned to me and said, "Ya know, you never have to be alone again."  It was such an amazing thing to hear a person say.  I wondered how he could possibly know how alone and lonely I was, but the idea of not having to feel that way was almost too much to handle.  Ok it was too much to handle, I broke down sobbing and speechless.

I didn't talk much in meetings back then.  But Fred again reached out to me and made sure I had his phone number.  Then he got others in the meeting to give me their numbers as well.  I kept coming to that meeting for months, though Fred became too sick to come just a couple of months after I met him.  About 6 months into my sobriety I moved to a different area of town and mostly stopped going to that meeting.  I still thought of the people there often though, as they'd been my first real connection to anyone.  I often wondered about Fred, since I knew he was fighting cancer but I didn't know much more than that.

One night, I'd been talking to a friend of mine who lives in the area of that meeting.  She said she was looking for a wednesday night meeting, which is when this one is.  I said that one day she'd have to remind me and i'd take her there and introduce her.  It went for weeks though, that neither of us had a day that worked.  Then, a woman from my tuesday night meeting (that i've gone to almost every week since i first got sober) had some crazy housing issues go on and ended up moving into the housing complex right where the meeting is.  Ironically it's a retirement complex.  I had no idea of that at the time that I went to the meeting.  I just went there that first time because it was close to where I lived.  I think it was good for me though that it was my "grandparent" meeting, making it less threatening to be open than I may have felt in front of peers.  Anyway, this woman from my tuesday group is friends with my friend, who told her about the meeting there.  The two of them approached me one tuesday and asked if I would go with them the next day.  This was about a month ago.

I told them I would, and the next day reluctantly stuck to my word and went.  (It's not that I didn't want to go, I was just worn out from school and not very motivated).  At the start of the meeting someone announced that the next day was Fred's 23rd sobriety birthday.  He was too sick to make it to a meeting so a group was bringing a meeting to him.  Afterwards I asked the woman making the announcement, also a friend of mine, if it would be ok for me to go.  She and I decided to go together.

I didn't know what to expect, having not seen Fred in a long time but knowing he was very sick.  He looked like he'd been through a lot, but he also looked good.  He was happy, smiling, and joking with everyone.  I was hesitant at first, but so excited to tell/show him that I had stuck with it and was really doing this thing.  I got a chance to tell him just how much that moment with him had meant to me.  This was not long after I had reached 10 months sober, so I even had my chip to show him.  To my surprise, he had someone go to his room and got HIS 10 month chip.  I'm amazed that a person that's been sober 23 years still has the chip he got 10 months in.  But he did, and he gave it to me.  What an amazing gift!  Unfortunately there was some confusion at the time so I didn't acknowledge it properly, and wasn't able to until I called them (he and his wife) the next day.  Since that day, however, that chip has not left my pocket.  I usually don't carry my chips around, but I just so like having his there with me.  Recently I've added my own 11 month chip into the pocket with his, but his is still by far the most valuable to me, and likely always will be.

Today I learned that Fred has passed away.  We knew it was coming, as he'd been taken off all the chemo since nothing was helping.  It's still just so, so hard to hear.  I haven't seen him again since that day, but I am so so blessed that I got that day with him.  It's really amazing when you look at it.  It all started because one friend happened to move to near there, and another happened to have a housing crisis that forced her to move to somewhere she really didn't want to go (she was going from a nice house into a small apartment).  Once that occurred, those women chose that particular night to ask me to go with them...the night when Fred's celebration was being announced.  And I chose to go.  To show up.  My sponsor keeps telling me to just show up, because nothing can happen if you don't show up.  I went, even though I felt lazy and wanted to hide out at home.  I went the following day even though I was scared.  And I got to have an amazing experience with Fred.  I got his coin, which I will hold with me forever.  I will never forget my introduction to AA and to people caring for each other that I got through him.  And I am so so grateful that everything aligned for me to have that chance to see him again.  I got a chance to make sure he knew he was important to me.

I don't know where I'm at now.  I guess I'm sad, though I do believe he's at peace.  I'm a little shocked, but it's not a giant surprise.  I feel a little bad that I'm not at that meeting tonight, but I really do need my sleep and my presence there wouldn't change anything.  I really just feel wow'ed.  Wow'ed that I knew this man, this incredible kindness from the most unlikely source.  And blessed that my higher power gave me one more chance to see him.  He had a big role in my sobriety, and I'm so glad I was able to see him again as my new, sober self.  The last time i'd seen him I was withdrawn and still pretty much miserable.  Today I'm overall happy and smiling, and my head just feels so so so much clearer.  The friend that I went with was joking about how when I came there at first I was about the lonliest person on the planet, with no friends.  But that night I'd come I brought 3 friends with me (we'd had another tagalong ;) ) which had nearly doubled the size of the meeting.  I was kinda the popular one! lol  Anyway, is it wrong to feel blessed at a time like this?  I just feel so fortunate to have had the opportunity to meet him.  I don't know where i'd be now without that awkward first encounter with him.  And I'm so glad I don't have to find out.

He was an amazing man, and he will be missed by many.  Throughout his birthday meeting he talked about how blessed he was and how happy he was.  It was truly a sight to behold.  He still was able to talk about the principles of the program, and living each day for all that you can and leaving tomorrow's worry for tomorrow.  Though really I knew very little of him, just seeing him once a week for a couple of months, I feel like I knew his spirit and I feel like we had a connection.  There's just no way to put it all into words.  So I'll just remain grateful to Fred for all he did for me, and to god for giving me that chance to connect.  It felt so good to know that the connection seemed to be mutual too.  I'm praying for his wife, and for those who knew him best, as this must be such an impossibly hard time for them.  If you wouldn't mind, please join me in that.

Thank you for reading.  And thank you Fred for being you, and for giving me the chance to know you.

Politics

I am so fucking SICK of politics!  But not for the reasons you might think.  Sure the ads annoy me, and I'm tired of hearing who approves which message, but there's a much bigger issue in it for me right now.

I am so, so, sick of people talking about "personal responsibility" or "government handouts" or whatever else.  It seems like everywhere I turn there's stories of how people are expecting the government to do things for them because they're lazy and don't want to work...and then there's the stories of Johnny in Somerandomplace who lost his job but he started his own business so he could still make it on his own....and Betty in Someotherrandomplace who works 60+ hours/week at whatever odd job she can get to support herself and her 4 children...still finding time to meet the school bus after school, help the kids with their homework, and take online classes.  Even my own friends on facebook are getting in to it.  I had one friend recently go on a rant about how no one would be living "paycheck to paycheck" if they knew how to manage their money.  She said it was just a matter of making good decisions and not wasting money on things.  Now, this is a friend who I know for a fact at nearly 30 years old is only just starting to become financially independent from her (and her husband's) parents even though she is married and has a kid.  But yet she's going off about all of her knowledge of financial success?!  I tried to point out, tactfully, that maybe it was different for her because she'd started off with quite a bit of support.  One of her friends acknowledged what I was saying but person after person jumped in with a story about either themselves or a friend or "someone they know" who had started from nothing but done all this great stuff and worked hard and went to school and yada yada and now everything is hunky dory.

Here's the thing.  If you're one of those that has "picked yourself up by your bootstraps" and made something out of nothing, I'm happy for you.  Really, I am.  That's a great accomplishment and you deserve recognition.  And really, my issue has nothing to do with any government programs.  I have no desire to debate the specifics of any social programs here.

But it's been a hard fucking year for me.  I'm working my ass off and I feel like I'm going nowhere.  I want to get through school.  I badly want to get this degree because getting it will open up opportunities for the work I really want to do in the future...helping kids who have been through the kind of stuff I have...not just a job to make enough money to get by.  Though I enjoy intellectual type stuff, due to mental health issues school as a whole doesn't come easy to me.  Just focusing long enough to get through a class is exhausting and draining for me.  I've seen improvements in this area...I (most of the time) don't have to pick specific seats in specific areas of the room to avoid getting triggered into panic attacks...and when I do it's at least a wider range to choose from.  And I'm actually learning more in class now because I'm spending less time dealing with distractions and other internal issues.  But still, class is exhausting and homework, though I do well on it because it's important to me, takes MUCH longer for me than it does others.  The same paper will take me many hours more than it does most of my classmates.  Add work to that, even though it's often just a few hours/week right now, then meetings on top of that, then work experience (volunteer) that I'm required to do for one of my classes, and frankly it's exhausting.  I've been trying to take on more work hours because I need the money, but it's killing me.  I'm having panic attacks because i'm so exhausted.  I'm stretched too thin and I know it. I'm trying to do everything and doing nothing well.  I'm still WAY behind on school from when I was off my meds (though thankfully I skipped work today and was able to do a lot of catching up).  Even though my meds are (for now) right again, many days spent sleeping or too sick to do anything doesn't bode well for taking 4 college classes.  Hell it'd be bad even for just 1 class...and it happened right before all my big midterm papers were due.

Anyway, enough whining...my point is, I AM working hard and I'm NOT lazy.  I'm really not.  But every time I hear one of those damn ads, or speeches, or rants, or whatever, I start to question myself.  Maybe I am.  Maybe I could be working harder...doing better.  Maybe there is something wrong with me that I can't handle what I'm "supposed" to be able to.  Maybe I just need to work harder and do better.  I don't have any kids to take care of and I can still barely take care of my own apartment.  Most people my age are parents now, raising families, etc. etc.  I want to be able to do more.  But I feel so exhausted all the time.  I don't know how to give any more than I already am.  And then I have to go stand in 1 hr + lines in hopes of getting my meds that I am entirely useless without....being herded around like sheep because we're poor so what do they care (I love my pharmacy btw...great ppl there...it's just the overall feel of the place)...and THEN to have to hear over and over and over again everywhere I turn that apparently I'm lazy, that I think I'm a victim, or that I don't take personal responsibility for my own life.  It's hard enough for me to get through day to day without now feeling shitty because I can't do more.  Logically I believe we have our limits and right now mine are going to school and working part time.  But emotionally that keeps getting harder and harder for me to accept the more I have to listen to all this political crap.  And it's not just one side...both sides are going on and on about this something from nothing crap.  Again good for everyone who has done that.  Yay.  Moving on.  Though I will say that some of those ppl that talk about folks like me as being lazy and unwilling to take responsibility for myself....I would like to extend an invitation to live my life for a bit and see how it goes.  See what they think then.

Oh and on that whole 47% thing...since we've all heard the quote by now....here's what kills me about it.  He says:

All right, there are 47 percent who are with him, who are dependent upon government, who believe that they are victims, who believe the government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you name it. 

Is it really that horrid for a person to believe they are entitled to food, housing, and healthcare?  Am I way off in thinking that those are kinda basic rights.  And I do agree that there's quite a bit of victimhood that goes on in this country...I know I've written about how much of a struggle I've had with that.  I don't think it's the core issue of people looking for help, but it definitely exists.  Anyway I'm still stumped that a person thinking they're entitled to their basic needs to stay alive is somehow outrageous.  I don't hate the quote as much as some...I get what he's saying.  It's just the end that really gets to me:

I'll never convince them they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives.

And we're back to the same crap...because I'm struggling I'm not taking personal responsibility or care for my life.  If that were the case I wouldn't have 10 months of sobriety.  I could still be sitting on my ass drinking every night, dropped out of school, etc. etc.  that would be a lack of personal responsibility.  I'm getting healthy and taking care of myself, and in my mind that counts for something.  Unfortunately, no one will pay me for it.

------------

I'm grateful that I've been sober for 10 months and that I still am, even though some bad thoughts of drinking and such have been sneaking up on me in the midst of all of this.  It's hard to keep pushing forward when things seem so steeply uphill, but I'm grateful for people who are supportive and especially for the really good friends who will sit with me while I panic and assure me that I'm not a failure and that I am doing ok.  Thank you wonderful friend you know who you are. :)

Oh happy day!

Finally, some good news to report!

1. I got my meds! :-D  I still haven't worked out the insurance battle, but through the help of an incredibly kind soul I was able to get them for this month.  I don't want to go into details at this point, but I'm just so relieved i'm going to be moving towards thinking straight and being able to focus again.

2. I got an awesome gig puppy sitting for the week.  I'm keeping my friend's awesome dog at my apartment while she is out of town.  It's so so nice to have him here with me, and he is just the biggest lover ever.  My friend said he doesn't usually warm up to ppl super fast, but with me after meeting me just one time I went to pick him up today and he wouldn't leave my side.  He hopped right in my car without a second thought too...almost made my friend jealous I think because she was super sad to send him off with me.  (Well happy it's with me, but sad to have to be away from him).  He did get a bit unsure when he got to my apartment.  He was looking around and whining and looking upset.  I sat down with him and told him it would be ok and pet him and he not only relaxed but melted right into my arms.  For someone who doesn't get a lot of love in my daily life, this is really really good for me.  I went to take a shower and when I came out he was plopped right there at the door waiting for me.  He's just a really really great presence for me to have right now.

This may be disturbing

I feel like this post should have a warning similar to the one at the beginning of south park episodes.  You know...due to content this post should not be viewed by anyone.  If you're easily disturbed by things, or just disturbed by things, or maybe just human in general, you ight want to skip this one.



Now then.  Have ya'll (who shouldn't be reading this :-P) heard about Jessica Ridgeway?  You know, the 10-year-old girl out in Colorado who vanished while walking to school one morning and a week later her dismembered body was found in a field?  They couldn't identify the body at first, they said, because they only found parts.  Clearly she was taken by one sick SOB!  And now I just can't seem to get her off my mind.  Not a good thing to be thinking about at 2:30 AM.

No one seems to know anything at this point about what happened.  They say kidnappings are usually by someone the child knows, but this one just really has the feel to me of being random.  Of course what I "feel" doesn't mean much of anything since I clearly don't have all the facts.  I should know better than to give in to stereotypes, but it just seems like such a nice neighborhood and a nice family and a nice little girl.  I guess it could be some distant acquaintance of the family....who knows.

But that's really beside the point.  Here's what gets me.  When I was 10 I was...experienced.  (I'm assuming that this crime was sex based).  I honestly don't remember how old I was when the first rape happened, but I know I was a lot younger than 10.  The first sexual stuff I remember for sure I was about 5.  By the time I was 10, I was in many ways immune.  Things still hurt me, but I knew how to hide from the pain.  I knew how to get away in my head.  Hell I knew how to manipulate adult men during sex.  Plenty of stuff a 10 year old should NOT know!

But most likely Jessica had never experienced anything like that before, and that makes my heart go out to her so much more.  I'm not saying at all that things would've been better for her had she been sexually abused first, but I just can't imagine going from happy, peaceful, loving childhood into a brutal attack.  I grew up in the hell.  It was my life.  It didn't make it easy by any means, but I didn't know to expect any different.  I had no concept of a peaceful happy life, so I'd grown up learning to deal with the horrors.

It's like the book I just finished reading about people growing up in Afghanistan during the war.  They were amazingly not shocked and horrified when things started being blown up all around them.  I'm sure they were scared, but it was their home and what they knew...far different from an American who has never seen anything like that walking into the middle of it.

I remember years ago I went to a website for survivors of sexual abuse/assault.  One of the first people I met there told me her story of being stalked by this random guy she didn't know, who eventually broke into her house and raped her.  I was shocked and horrified by it.  I knew all about living with evil people.  I even knew about letting people take advantage of me because I didn't know I could have anything better.  But somehow it just hadn't registered to me that some random guy off the street could be that evil too.  Somehow I still thought the outside world was (relatively) safe.  I knew the types of abuse that occurred in my world, but I thought that the rest of the people out there, not born in to my hell, were safe.  And I just kept thinking how terrible it would be to be suddenly ripped out of all the peace and comfort you've known and flung in to the world of being a rape survivor.  In fact her story still terrifies me.  She wasn't drunk out at a bar wearing next to nothing.  She locked her doors at night.  She was doing all the right things to be safe and it still happened.

I never want to compare people's trauma stories and think about whose might be worse.  It really doesn't matter for one thing, and there will never be an answer anyway.  But I just keep thinking of the terror little Jessica must have felt.  I remember the terror I felt and I had years of learning what to expect, what might be coming, and how to survive.  As sick as it is, I got damn good at it too.  Of course Jessica's attacker clearly had different motives than mine but I still imagine a lot of the pain was the same.  In a strange way mine was predictable.  I didn't know exactly what was going to happen when, but I knew eventually it was going to happen.  She was just walking to school.  As far as anyone knows she was just happily walking to school when all this happened.  It was just another day, until it all of a sudden it was hell.  I at least had a pretty good idea of what would happen after I walked home from school.

It's now after 3:00 and i'm probably not making any sense since I'm tired and really struggling to find the words I'm trying to say.  I just can't get over all the anger I have on this little girl's behalf.  I hear stories of kids being abused by their parents every day it seems (way way way too often, but that's another post for another time), and those bother me, but none of those rattle me like this one seems to have.  Why am I so much more bothered by this than any others?  They're all innocent children, but this one scares me so much.  Maybe because I do eventually want to have kids, and I know I can be a good mom and take good care of my kids and not let them go through any of what I went through.  But I may not be able to stop them going through what she went through.  Ugh.

---------------

Ok gotta do my gratitude...can't skip that.  I'm grateful that I finally got my homework done tonight even though it nearly killed me.  It took me 'til about 12:30 to finish.  Of course that seemed so late at the time...now that it's after 3 that seems early!  Not holding out a whole lot of hope for sleep at this point though...my brain is way too awake with this stuff.  (And my evening dr. pepper.  I knew that would cause issues but I wouldn't have been able to do the homework without it.  <sigh> )

Yay!

Well my visit counter seems to be back.  At least one thing returning to "normal" in my life.  Yay!

Paying the price

I told my new sponsor a bit of my history today, and now I'm paying the price.  I didn't even go into detail, but every time I tell someone even a hint of it a big part of me freaks out.  The nice thing is that when she asked what happened (I mentioned I was dealing with flashbacks, panic, and lots of anger/rage from the past), I was able to be clear, simple, and matter of fact w/out losing it.  I'm getting much better at being able to state the facts.  I just said that my parents were both drug addicts and my dad basically sold me for drugs.  And that because of that I was hurt by many different men.  Enough to get the point across w/out bein too painful.  I didn't think it bothered me at all, but later on I was really panicky about it.  Granted I'm panicky about everything these days.  I was so well "trained" as a kid about all the horrible things that would happen if I told, that big parts of me are still terrified about it.  It's an improvement though.  The first time I told face to face a while back I started hallucinating people coming out of the shadows to kill me.  In comparison, needing to lay down with a blanket because I was fairly sure I would vomit is pretty minor.  And only a little bit of head running away with the "what if's".

So yeah, as I've said before, I'm thankful for the fact that even when things are crappy improvement can be seen.  And my new sponsor commented repeatedly today on how great she thinks I'm doing and how she thinks I have an overall great outlook on things.  We talked about my attempts to come to terms with the fact that I feel incredibly blessed by everything I've been given....I have a place to live, food to eat, I get to go to school, I live in a peaceful and safe area, I was guided to the right people to take care of me and help save my life and help me get sober...lots of little coincidences that don't make any sense except as from god.  All that stuff is great, and it really is remarkable that I came out of all that I did mostly healthy, not pregnant or anything, and alive!  I can't help but feel blessed for all of that, and yet so, so angry with god that I had to go through so much to begin with.  I don't know how to make those things come together.....being so thankful for my miraculous recovery from the horrible situation I should've never been in in the first place.  This will probably end up being it's own post at some point, because for now it's bedtime.

Oh, but one last thing, what the heck happened to my visit counter?  I was up to at least a few thousand and now i'm at 2?  My old blog that I don't use anymore was also reduced to zero.  Anyone know?  Did this happen to anyone else?

Tough

I'd planned to be in bed hours ago but the whole sleep thing isn't working out right now.  So yeah.  Might as well tell the story of my day.

I went to see a new doctor today and boy was it tough.  I didn't really understand going in what the appointment was going to be, but they told me it would be someone to talk to about getting my meds transferred over ASAP.  I pictured going to talk to someone in an office to discuss the issue.  Yeah not so much.

I almost missed the appointment because my anxiety is so high it's hard to leave the house.  But thankfully they let me in (I have a really good desperate/panic face goin' on right now! lol).  They gave me some initial paperwork to fill out, which turned out to be a whole freakin book.  They asked a ton of questions.  Like always, I had to guess at my family history.  I know a little of it but not a lot.  Then they asked a bunch of mental health questions, which I tried to be honest about so they could see that I really need my meds.  They even asked if I had experienced sexual abuse and when.  Sheesh.  (They also asked if there was a history w/in my family members of abuse, which I found to be an interesting question.  I said no, which is a lie, but I didn't really think it matters.

There were a ton of questions then about sexual partners, but after the top couple I decided not to read and marked no to everything.  They were too hard for me to read and think on, and they were all under the heading of AIDS risk, and I've been tested for HIV so I'm not concerned.  There were some other tough questions too but they're not coming to mind right now.  It took a really, really long time to fill it all out though.  The fun part was that I got to be totally honest about all the drug and alcohol questions. That's a first for me.  I used to always have to lie on all the questions about if you drink and how much and all that.

After finishing my paperwork this guy w/a very, very heavy Spanish accent called me back.  I wish I could tell my real name on here (very simple to pronounce) just to show how badly he butchered it.  I didn't recognize my name and wouldn't have known it was me except that there was only one other person in the waiting room who didn't seem to be moving.  This guy did my vitals and was clearly knew.  He wasn't rough exactly, but he wasn't gentle.  I got through that ok but then he left me to wait for the dr.  As some of you know already, I despise everything medical.  Some of my abuse was done under the guise of medicine.  Then being restrained the last time I was in the hospital has made the terror that much worse.  I should've brought more options of stuff to do, because my anxiety is so bad already and I had to wait a long time for the dr.  I did study for my Spanish test.  I figure if I can get through all my flashcards while shaking and freaking out I must have 'em down pretty well! lol  I got too shaky to practice them anymore though so I ended up curled up in a corner and considering leaving.

The doctor finally came in and she was this tiny little thing and so, so sweet.  When I told her why she was there she was so apologetic and commiserated with me on the ridiculousness of this insurance stuff.    She also thanked me profusely for bringing all my medication bottles and as much documentation as I could.  I figured that was common sense but maybe not.  I can't imagine she would've written the prescriptions w/out that.

She asked some more history questions, but was so sweet about it that I was able to get through it.  Early on she said, "So I saw you were sexually abused as a child.  Is that what these issues are from?"  Shit.  I nodded.  I may have eeked out a "yeah."  It's still so hard to hear that said out loud...especially from a stranger.  I've gotten better at talking about it in some places, but yeah.  She said, "Oh I'm so sorry, no one should have to go through that."  I didn't really know how to reply so I didn't say anything.  She went on to say she'd spent a bit of time in pediatric psych but couldn't do it because so many of the issues came from adults who had hurt kids and it made her violent.  It sorta made me giggle inside to see this sweet and itty bitty little woman talking about getting violent.  I told her that that's what I want to do...that I could never be a case worker because I couldn't face the parents, but I want to work w/hurt kids and have the passion for it.

Then she asked about my suicide attempt and hospitalization and wanted to know details about it.  I realized after a bit that she was asking to know if I still held on to any of those thoughts.  I told her that that really wasn't an issue anymore though I was honest with the fact that I was really, really struggling right now.  (I wanted to make sure that getting the meds NOW was non-negotiable).  She said, "Wow, so all your issues really are from the system right now aren't they?"  YES!  So nice to be validated about this ridiculous situation and how wrong it is from someone in the system.  More of these people need to realize the damage they're risking.  Thankfully I have a good support system now but this has really rocked me and in all honesty has pushed some of the suicidal thoughts back.  Someone in not such a good place could've been really, really seriously damaged....a lot more than just missing some classes and homework assignments.  (And pissing off a few friends that I let down).  Anyway, I got a chance to brag a bit about taking better care of myself and the fact that I'm 9 months sober now.  (Actually 9.5 months.  Yay).

So after 2 hours of this stuff the scripts finally got written.  Of course it was well into the evening so the pharmacy was closed, but at least this step is taken care of.  The scary news is that apparently the co-pay amount (which already felt a little high to me) is incorrect and it's actually going to be more.  So it's not guaranteed yet, but I'm at least a step closer.

I don't know what the next step is (besides picking up the scripts tomorrow. yay.).  She asked if I would still be able to see my psychiatrist and I said yes but I didn't know how that would work if I can't fill his prescriptions.  She didn't know how it would work either.  And it was at this point that I may have accidentally called her not a real doctor.  I rephrased right away but we both got a kick out of it.  (She was talking about how she wouldn't normally prescribe the meds I was asking for, and I said "well I have a real doctor!").

I wish she could be my long-term dr. but I guess that's not possible.  Probably for the better cus the place I had to go to was really far away...but it's rare that I actually like a doctor.  I have an appt. on 11/1 which I guess is to get officially established as a patient.  Honestly by the time she was explaining all of this to me I really didn't have the energy left to care.  I just said ok, whatever.  I was so so so so so so so so so ready to get out of that damn room and get home!  I went and got some comfort food (aka cheeseburger) and went home to watch Joe Biden beat the crap out of Paul Ryan.  Fun times.

Oh and through all of this my heart rate was "only" 88.  ;)  I'm sure it would've been a hell of a lot higher after all the time waiting for the dr though!  I was shaking so bad I could barely move by the time she came in.  And I must've stiffened up when she tried to listen to my heart/lungs bc she apologized for touching me.  And she kept telling me to take a deep breath.  I'm trying, woman! lol

---------------
I'm grateful that all that's over with and I got through it, even by myself.  My sponsor had offered to go with me, which was super nice of her and I badly wished she was there, but at the time she offered I really thought it was going to be just talking to someone in an office.  It's probably for the best that she wasn't there though, I would've felt really bad to ask anyone to sit around w/me for that long!  Anyway, I'll be even more grateful tomorrow when (hopefully) i'll have the meds in hand.  Just can't believe it for sure though, as every time I've thought it's figured out something else goes wrong.

This is bad

I really thought I'd be ok w/out meds.  I knew it wouldn't be easy but I'm in such a much better place now than I've been in a long, long time.  Turns out that's not enough.  I'm losin it.  I don't know where I've been for most of the day today.  Apparently dissociating.  Everything in my body hurts from the constant flashbacks.  The pain makes me think of the memories of what caused it, which makes me focus on them which makes the pain worse.  Bad bad cycle.  I can't seem to fight it cus my brain won't stop running like crazy.  I'm scared to call anyone, especially sponsor or anyone cus i can barely breathe and don't want to scare anyone away.  Hate this so much and i'm so screwed.  Unless I can convince someone to lie for me so I can get my insurance back, my other options appear to be to wait at least another month or pay close to $1000.  I'm regressing so freaking fast.  Starting to feel like I did before the hospital last year.  Damn.

----------
I'm grateful that at least now I have an awareness that there is a good life out there so there's some hope rather than total hopelessness.

;ALJKFELKAJNLVKJBAELKJKJHGA;ELW!!!!!!!!!!!!

My thoughts are racing SO FREAKING FAST right now!  It's driving me crazy!  I'm still having the seepiness issues like before, but not quite as bad.  Now the issue is that I can't get my mind to SHUT UP!  Even when I'm talking it's a mile a minute.  I can't focus on anything, including on calming myself down or relaxing or anything cus my thoughts are going in a million different directions.  It's like eternal craziness and chaos in my head to the point I want to explode.  I think it's where a lot of the physical discomfort stuff is coming from too.  My head can't get comfortable and neither can my body...everything just feels off...and bad.

Hoping that I'll be able to get to sleep w/out all the panic tonight.  No matter how tired I am going to bed is causing mega panic...just like old times.  Sooooo much of this is just like old times.  Guess it shows the meds are working.  I see my dr. early tomorrow morning.  Not sure what to expect from that cus I'm not sure if there's anything he can do.  He can prescribe generics which I can't afford but he might pressure me to get them cus it's obviously not the healthiest option where I'm at right now.  He can write more scripts but I don't think he has any say on where they're accepted.  Argh.  At least it's something.  We'll see.  In the meantime it's just....HA;JHT;AKJHEG;LKEJA;LKGJE;LKAJ;GEKLJ as I said before...lol .  The good news is that I don't have to work on wednesday so I'll have some time to deal with it then.

Oh, and I learned today that my boss totally stood up for me against angry parents.  That's totally awesome because I really wasn't at fault for what I was being blamed for, but as a new instructor who knows.  Especially because I thought he might blame me in order to save his own ass.  But he didn't.  He said the parents were acting obnoxiously (which they really, really were) and that he's not worried about what it means for the company, he's glad to be rid of them.  Yay!  And I will say my class was SO much more peaceful last wednesday w/out them, so in all honesty I'm glad to know they're not coming back.  It still sucks because of course I want all my kids to like the class and be happy/excited about it, but it's still nice to know I'm not being blamed for bratty children (and parents).

I think that's what I'm thankful for....a boss who likes my work and is willing to stand up for me.  Yay.

Update

Things are crazy right now.

I'm not having the pain issues like I was when I wrote before.  I've still been sleeping a ton, and when awake still having panic attacks.  It's now the middle of the night and I'm suddenly wide awake and can't lay down because I'm panicky.  Oh the joys.  I have a ton of stuff to do tomorrow (or maybe it's today...).  Work and homework and phone calls and etc.  I guess it's a catch 22 of the more I try to do the more I stress myself out, and then I can't relax so I can't sleep which causes me to sleep more later.  Or something.  Does that even make sense? lol

Something nice did happen today though.  I was scheduled to meet with my new sponsor.  First she scared the shit outta me cus she called me in the morning asking if we were still going to meet.  I thought I'd gotten the time wrong or something and I was already supposed to be there.  Thankfully no...and I said I didn't feel up to going, which I'd been planning to call her to say anyway.  She asked if I wanted her to come here, and I said sure if she wanted.  I was surprised with former sponsor, after we had our falling out she said on the day I didn't want to see her that I should've told her that or that I couldn't make it and she would've come to me.  Of course she never offered at the time that she would come over.  But anyway...

New sponsor came over, which was interesting in itself because sleeping all the time doesn't generally lend itself to keeping a place clean and guest-ready.  I guess that did put a little energy in me cus I got up and cleaned at least enough to make it not disgusting looking (think dirty clothes scattered on the floor, fast food trash by the couch cus I was generally awake only long enough to eat and then I'd fall asleep again...that kind of thing).  Anyway, she came over and brought a whole bag of food, which I thought was super sweet of her.  Yesterday I'd actually been wanting to go to the grocery store but didn't make it cus I had a crazy huge panic attack.  So I really did need food, but I hadn't mentined that to her at all.  I just thought that was really cool and insightful of her.  Also I always say that the quickest way to my heart is through my stomach!

It was really nice to talk with her cus she was just understanding and reassured me that I was doing well and that it was going to be ok.  I do feel like overall I'm handling this pretty well by not falling apart, but it's still scary and overwhelming.  It's nice to hear from someone with a lot more experience than I've got saying I'm handling it well.  I'm not sure if things are going to work out long-term with new sponsor as my sponsor for reasons I'm too tired to get in to right now, but she is an incredible woman that I'm so very glad to have as a friend.

Oh, and she totally offered to lie for me and let me use her address to get my insurance.  She lives in the county I used to live in so it would work.  She of course wants me to exhaust the other options first, but I just thought it was cool and rather ironic that the person who is supposed to be helping me learn to live honestly is also somewhat offering to lie for me.  We both agreed that when it comes to certain types of beaurocratic (however ya spell that) bullshit like this ya sometimes just have to do what ya gotta do to make it work.  She understands that I've been doing everything I possibly can to make this work, and it seems kinda ridiculous for me to be going through all this when there's such a simple solution to fix it.

Anyway that's all for now...watch just beeped 4am so I guess I need to make another attempt at sleep before I'm totally brain dead tomorrow.  That or maybe I'll get up and eat something which might help the panic go away.  <Sigh>  So so ready to be done with this!  (But how am I going to make all my phone calls when i'm so freakin tired?)  Harumph!

It just isn't right

I've worked fucking hard to get to where I am.  And now I'm watching it all disappear before me, all because of money.  I can't afford my meds.  I got the insurance that was supposed to help, but now, after weeks of fighting with them, I find out they won't accept scripts written by my dr.  Only one of their drs and I don't want to switch.  And even if I did, I'd have to get on a waiting list and go through all their crap.  Who knows when I'd be able to see anyone.

I thought I was doing ok without them.  I seemed to be getting into a rhythm, as it's been a little over a week now.  But in the last couple days it's just been getting worse.  I'm so so tired.  I've been praying to not be such an insomniac but this is not what I meant.

Yesterday I went out to an event in the morning.  I was so tired from it that I came home and took a 3 hour nap.  Even after that I was barely able to stay awake and focus to study for my test.

Well today I was too tired to even get up to take the test.  Part of the problem was that I had horrible nightmares last night.  I dreamt of being back with the ppl who hurt me.  In the dream it was after things had happened and I was trying to make my way upstairs but my whole body hurt so bad I could barely move.  I tried to will my body to go but it wouldn't.  I woke up simultaneously sobbing in pain and feeling like I was going to puke.  It felt like everything hurt but at the same time I couldn't explain exactly what hurt.  I have a very high pain tolerance and yet this was unbearable.  Finally after enough pain meds (don't worry, I asked a friend what I could take to make sure I didn't OD) and some panic meds that I thankfully still have left, I was able to settle myself down.  Once settled I lay down on the couch and managed to sleep through my entire test.  I was so so deep asleep that I kept briefly waking up wondering where I was and then falling back to sleep again.  I slept all day which meant missing my test, standing up this guy that has been incredibly nice to me and that I had promised I'd help, missing my meeting that I probably really needed, and missing my hockey game that I was really, really excited about.  I managed to be awake long enough to shower and eat but that's about it.

This is so horribly not fair.  I've worked way too hard to watch my life disappear in front of me like this.

When I am awake I switch between horrible pain and anxiety attacks and feeling like i'm going to die.  The pain is still this weird, inexplicable hurts everywhere and yet nowhere thing.  It's like my whole body is just unbelievably uncomfortable.  and it's starting now so i need to go back to laying down and see if I can sleep for real (not just dozing on the couch).  I do have one thing to be grateful for.  This is showing me that I do in fact want to live because i'm not feeling like giving up and i'm not wanting to quit.  I'm just so fucking angry because this is taking away the life that i've built.  But in a sense that's good because it's showing me how badly I want that life.

I don't want to get political on here but I just gotta say...if you're one of those people against health care for all, please, please give it a second thought.  Call me selfish, but a person should not have to be in this much pain solely because of money (or lack thereof)!  I'm working my ass off, I just don't have money right now because I'm in school, so I can't work full time.  I'm definitely not lazy or being a victim or refusing to take personal responsibility or any of that other shit.

Alrighty then

Last night my sponsor and I mutually decided to see other people.

Tonight I found a new sponsor.

Alrighty then.

I gave my now former sponsor the letter I wrote.  She called back last night and thanked me for it, but said that she still felt I wasn't being direct.  I felt I was being as direct as I knew how to be by saying that I'm unbelievably confused.  Basically I said in the letter that I can't imagine doing this with anyone else, but I don't know how to continue with her.  She said that when she says i've been stuck she means with the AA progress, though I have made personal life progress.  I guess that's a big difference.  I don't really know.  To me it feels like it's all huge progress.  The part that bothered me was that she said she thought I hadn't made any real progress since father's day.  Well, a. father's day was a long time ago, and b. father's day was the day that I told her a big chunk of my past story.  So it's hurtful to think that she thinks my progress stopped when I let my past be out in the open.  Though maybe it's just that she doesn't know how to really deal with someone with an abuse history like me.  Dealing with trauma is one thing (and unfortunately very common amongst AA women) but I think my stuff could still scare a lot of ppl off.  Not trying to....errrr....brag?  But that's the truth of it.

Anyway, I felt like I wasn't getting an answer from my sponsor about the big issue that was bothering me so I finally just asked her: "So when you said all that stuff about loving me and being proud of me, did you mean it?"  She responded with of course she did, and that this was a program of honesty so she wouldn't bullshit me.  I think she bullshat (lol) me a little, but whatever.  She told me that I am the most beautiful woman that she's ever sponsored, and she just wants to see me grow.  She thinks for right now the way for me to grow is by getting the perspective of someone new since we seem to be stuck in a stalemate.  She also said that her door is always open and we can still be friends and all that.  The most beautiful woman thing did mean a lot to me, cus she's said stuff sorta like that before and it felt good to hear again.  She says that I have a depth to me that she feels when talking to me that most others don't have.  She says that likely because of my past I now experience life in a different way.  I feel things more deeply, appreciate things more than most can, etc.  It really, really wow'ed me when she told me that.  I wish I could remember the exact words, but anyway...something about feeling energized spiritually from talking to me or something.

But back to tonight.  Ever since (former) sponsor and I officially parted ways, I've been racking my brain trying to come up with who I could ask.  Well really i've been working on figuring that out for at least a couple weeks now because I had a feeling this was coming.  It's much harder to pick someone now because I have more depth in the program and I know a lot more about people.  When I was new, anyone and everyone knew more than I did.  Now I've learned that I need to pick carefully to find someone who can help me get out of this stuff I'm stuck in.

As I thought and prayed about it, one particular woman kept coming to mind.  She was at one of the very first meetings I ever went to, and she was someone I relied on when I had some issues w/my sponsor early on.  I wasn't real sure of her early on...didn't really like my first impression of her to be honest, but I got close to her because she was sponsoring a good friend of mine who started at the same time as me.  (Said friend is now god knows where...likely in jail though I'm praying she's not....though I'm still grateful to her for allowing me to have this relationship with this person that I know really respect and like a lot).  I hadn't seen this woman at a meeting in quite a while, so i was thinking I should just call her anyway and see what's up.

Well, lo and behold I go to my regular meeting tonight and there she is.  Okey dokey god, is this a sign?  But then she starts to talk and talks about how she's been working 12 hour days almost every day and is exhausted and etc. etc.  Well fuck, so much for that.  But then I decided to ask her afterwards anyway.  I told her I understood that she was busy but that my sponsor and I had just parted ways...and before I could even finish asking the question she said yes.  It helped that I was celebrating my 9 months of sobriety tonight (the official 9 months was yesterday but part of the fun of going to different meetings is I get to celebrate it again with different people. :) and she had commented on how good I look.  She seemed excited about it, and said that her work is going in to it's quieter time now.  (I realized after I left that I don't have a clue what she does for work! lol)  It's just temporary for now, and we'll see how it goes, but at least I'm no longer floating in the lost sea of sponsorlessness, which seemed like a bit of a scary, uncertain place to be.  I definitely didn't expect to find someone so fast though!We have a plan to meet for coffee and talk about stuff on Friday afternoon and we'll go from there.  Yay.

Now here's the crazy part.  As I was getting ready to leave she gave me a hug and said, "Love you."  Now as some of you know I despise the word love.  It's just been used in way too many horrible, manipulative ways in my life.  I've reached the point where I can appreciate it from close friends, but even then it often makes me cringe.  But tonight, even though a little piece of me was cringing, without even much of a thought I said "love you too."  Wow.  My first sponsor I knew it was right because she was the first person I felt comfortable calling even though others have given me there phone number.  This seems like a sign too.  Even afterwards as I was walking out I was thinking to myself holy fuck did that just happen??!!  Even with close friends I've never been able to get the words love you back out to them.

For now this seems like where god wants me to be.  We'll see how it goes.  At least I'm feeling a bit better about it all.
-------------------

It's pretty easy to see what I'm grateful for.  But on top of this a couple of my recent meetings have been on gratitude.  I used to hate gratitude meetings cus I thought my life sucked and got annoyed by talking about all the good stuff in theirs.  But now I love them because it's overwhelming how much there truly is to be grateful for.  One girl tonight mentioned being thankful for her dishwasher, which cracked me up but it's so, so true.  So i'm thankful for my dishwasher, and my fridge even though it sucks and doesn't work half the time, and for rain and for my roof to keep the rain off me and my car so I don't have to walk in the rain and my ability to go to school and I could go on and on but I'm falling asleep typing.  Which I'm grateful for too because there was a significant time in my life where I couldn't sleep at all, or at least not this "early."  (It's almost midnight...but early to sleep for me used to be about 2 am. Now this is super late).

No idea

Not going to write anything long now because I'm tired and should be sleeping.  The shit with the sponsor is still going on and I don't know what to do about it.  Tomorrow is 9 months sober for me and I think i'm grieving because I want to be celebrating with her.  I wrote her a letter to give my side to everything.  I thought it was a good idea, but then I asked another friend and she basically shot it down entirely.  That left me really confused.  She said that I need to be looking towards love and forgiveness, not blame.  I said I already apologized but she won't budge, so I want her to see my side.  (Essentially, there was more to it than that).  She said if I've decided to move on (which I haven't really decided, but have resigned myself to that) then all I should write in the letter, if I even write anything, is just thanks for your help I appreciate it.

I don't get this stuff at all.  Aren't I supposed to be standing up for myself?  I'm realizing that I was asking her what I thought she should do assuming that she would agree with me.  I didn't expect that she'd go 100% the other way.  I'm so confused because one of the lessons I've been learning is that I need to be direct and not just harbor resentments about stuff.  (I'm supposed to be looking at my part in resentments, which i'm struggling on because I really don't feel like I did much wrong here, but I'm trying to see it.  Also I was the one that apologized. :-P )

I don't mean to be passive aggressive or anything, but she's blown off meeting with me the last 2 weeks.  We usually meet every sunday but these last 2 weeks she just totally blew me off.  2 weeks ago it was cus she was going to the mountains...makes sense I just was a little bothered by how she told me.  It wasn't "I'm going to have to cancel," but just "I'm going to the mountains."  Then this week it's "well I didn't think we were meeting so my friend is coming over."  She did eventually offer Saturday night but i was working.  I tried to say what I wanted over the phone, but that didn't go well which is why i want to meet.

As I write this, something about PTSD came on the news on TV.  A big part of this is her not understanding PTSD and saying i'm using flashbacks as an excuse to not do what I need to do.  I feel like I need to stand up for myself and the progress I have made.  Not an excuse, but just to say that I have made progress, and I'm damn proud of it.  That's most of what the letter says.  I managed to do it I think w/out any swearing, but ya know what?  I'm fucking proud of myself!  There, I said it.  I'm fucking proud of myself and she can't tell me otherwise.

------------------

Still grateful for others that have been willing to be my sounding board in this, though I think everyone is getting sick of hearing it. :(

Just for fun

Ok so after writing all that long, depressing stuff, a friend sent me a laugh at just the right moment.  I've never been one to shop for furniture (yay garage sales, thirft stores, freebies!) but this has got to be the coolest table EVER!

http://www.straightlinedesigns.com/bad.html  (Potty humor...it works for everything...lol)

These are pretty fun as well:

http://www.straightlinedesigns.com/oops.html
http://www.straightlinedesigns.com/boom.html

I'm ok

Though it may sound strange, that phrase ("I'm ok") has gotten me in more trouble than any other.  In fact it nearly killed me.

See, when I had the big fall out conversation with my sponsor yesterday, one thing she brought up was the I regularly sound like I don't care, and she thinks maybe I'm trying to pretend everything is fine when it's not.  I was hurt and upset by this, but I can't say that I'm shocked.

I'm hurt because she's the first person I've ever really been honest with.  Or at least tried to be honest with.  I'm upset because she's talking about this like it's something that's been going on for a long time though she hasn't mentioned it.  We've even talked about how I've put in so much work and have really done a lot, so this seems to be coming out of nowhere to me.

But I'm not shocked.

See, I grew up having to convince the outside world that I was just fine even when my life was far from it.  My life depended on it.  I was going through severe abuse at home, but I knew better than to ever let on.  One time a teacher got suspicious because of things I said, and an investigation was launched.  They didn't find enough to convict anyone (and I denied everything I said out of fear).  As soon as it was over my dad beat me 'til I could barely move and told me to never, ever do that again.  So I didn't.

I had to go to school some days with my insides still on fire, and sit there in class like it was just another day.  I had to make sure the clothes I was wearing covered up the marks and the bruises.  And emotionally, I had to smile.  In order to protect my parents, and through that myself as well, I had to just be ok.  So I learned from an early age how to fake it.  I believed very strongly that it would be pure weakness to do anything else.

Looking back I have no idea how I managed.  How does a kid go through that kind of shit and keep it all inside?  I have no idea.  Survival I guess.

The point for me now is that it became a habit.  When things get more crazy on the inside, I subconsciously make more and more of an effort to be "fine" on the outside.  I don't know how to tell people when I'm not ok.  It's become an issue that's nearly ended my therapy right now because we're at odds.  It seems the only way I'm able to talk about things is if someone asks just the right question.  But he (therapist) won't ask too many questions because he wants to let me decide what I want to talk about.  So we sit there in silence and frustration.

Last year, when I was on the verge of killing myself I was so desperate for someone, anyone, to truly hear me.  I needed someone to know how bad I hurt.  But when people would approach me and ask, "how are you?" I would say "I'm good!  How are you?"  Even with good friends the closest I could get to anything was, "A little tired."  A little tired?!  WTF?!  I was planning my own death and even with close friends the best I could do was I'm tired??!  It made me crazy.  I would repeat the words I wanted to say in my head.  I could do it just fine while alone.  But it's like when there's people around a switch flips and I become not quite myself.  I become the strong exterior, smile, show how great things are version of me.  Again for whatever reason, the only way I know to be able to talk about stuff is if someone asks just the right question.  I imagine back then if someone had asked me if I was planning my death I would've said why yes, I am , and here's why.  But of course no one would ask something like that.  So the only way I could get attention for what I needed is to actively slouch down in a corner and look sad and depressed and miserable until someone would ask what's wrong.  Then I could start to talk.  So then of course people start to think I'm being manipulative.  And yes in a sense that is manipulative because i'm trying to make people ask me something, but I don't know how else to approach someone and tell them something is wrong and I need help.  I never learned that skill.

The summer before this last one is when the heat of all the suicidal stuff was happening.  I was miserable.  As soon as I was alone I hurt so bad that I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't do anything but lay in bed.  I thought often about hurting myself.  I'd get home from work and drank until I passed out because that was the only way I could handle the pain.  I was the epitome of misery.  But you know how the people at work described me?  "Smiley."  "Energetic."  "Enthusiastic."  "Passionate."  etc. etc.  I worked with kids, and would get comments often from kids, parents, supervisors, etc. about the impact I was making.

Don't get me wrong it's good that I could do that.  I'm glad I was able to make an impact and it gave me some purpose in life.  But at work I'd feel like I was on top of the world.  I felt so much like I mattered. Then as I was driving home, it was like I crossed through this invisible plane and suddenly all of that was gone.  I was miserable.  I hated myself.  I thought why do I bother, those kids would be so much better off with ANYONE else as their teacher.  During work I would think of great, fun, healthy things to do with my evening.  After work I would eat something cold if I could manage (by the time anything could heat up I would definitely lose interest) and the misery would take over.  It was honestly bizarre.  I knew both the work me and the at-home me were me, but they couldn't have been more opposite.  It amazed me as I thought about it at home.  If those parents knew how I was after work, they wouldn't want me anywhere near their kids.  But instead they were gushing about how great I was.  In some ways it made things hurt that much more.  It made the isolation that much deeper because on the random days that people did invite me to do stuff with them and I wouldn't be able to make it, they wouldn't understand.  They couldn't understand the pain I was in, and how would they?

That is the isolation that nearly caused me to take my own life.  It wasn't just the pain, but the constant fake smiling while I hurt so bad inside.  I was so so tired of trying to be "ok" on the outside, but I didn't know how to do different.  Apparently I still don't.

I guess it's still somewhat good.  I don't want everyone I go to school with, everyone I work with, etc. knowing how messed up I am these days.  (Though they kind of do, I've also, since childhood, tended to be labeled "the weird one" because I do have times where emotions get the best of me and I go extra quiet or awkward or whatever).  But I thought I was being honest with my sponsor.  I thought I was really letting her in.  Aside from some times at IOP, she's the only one I've really let myself cry in front of face to face.  I read her my list of 70+ fears.  I let her know how hurt, damaged, and broken I am.  But apparently she's been seeing me being dishonest, holding things in, not really telling her how I feel.  (Again upsetting, because who knows how long she's really been thinking this...still pisses me off, but anyway...).

Oh and that's one more thing... (was totally gonna make this a short post...damn! lol)....as I've said before here I don't know how to handle emotions.  Recently it's anger, but there's others too.  I feel them, but I don't know how to release them because I've never dealt with them in any other way besides numbing.  I always thought that was dealing.  Anyway lately I thought I was really handling them well because when I would get angry at someone I was able to take a deep breath and talk about it without exploding.  But now sponsor says that that's more of this fake shit, and that I need to be more honest about how I feel.  Hmph.  Just feels like I can't win.  Just when I was starting to think I was getting the hang of this, I suddenly feel more lost than before.

----------------

Gratitude...let's see.  I'm grateful that every day is a new day.  That no matter how stupid I feel one day, I have a chance to learn from it and do better the next.  I'm also grateful that now there are multiple people in this world that support me.  I had a couple of close friends before all this, but beyond that I had some acquaintances and little else.  Now I have that list of people to rely on.  I think I've been grateful for this a lot lately...but before something like this would've really sent me into a tailspin.  Now I am able to really look at it, and have lots of different people I can talk to about and get help for it.

Life is weird, Part 2

Ok this is the part I really wanted to write about, but I had to get all the background stuff out there first. If you haven't already, please read the previous post so this can make sense.


So I was feeling really confident about talking w/my sponsor.  I had what I wanted to say all figured out and really felt like once she heard what I was getting at she would realize the issue, we could both apologize, and move on.  Yeah not so much.

Instead it's like she's not hearing at all that the stuff she said to me was so hurtful!  She just kept saying how I screwed up and this is "not the first time."  I honestly don't know the other time she's referring to me....but yeah, it's hard as shit for me to get myself there to meet with her.  All of this stuff is fucking hard.  Usually she compliments me that I keep going with working the steps even though I've had to face some really, really intense shit to do it.  See I didn't just drink for the fun of it.  Even at the beginning I don't think I really did.  I drank to bury some really horrific, painful memories.  I know recovery isn't easy for anyone, and I know it's one of those things that ya just have to suck it up and do, but still!  It's asking a lot, but I'm doing everything I can.

I tried to explain how hurtful her comments were on the day that I was having all the panic attack craziness, but she just doesn't get it at all.  She just kept sayin how the meds stuff could've been prevented, and i need to figure out a way to deal with the panic attacks.  Yeah.  No shit.  I'm workin on it.  If I could just snap my fingers and get rid of it I would!

Then she keeps saying i'm asking her to fix my PTSD issues.  Yeah also not the case.  I just want her to take the time to get it!  To get that I'm not manipulating/whining/whatever.  Some days flashbacks are debilitating.  Sorry but they just are.  I hadn't had a day like that friday in a long time but unfortunately I can't just get rid of them.

I'm just so fucking pissed about this right now.  The more I think about it the more pissed I get.  How is this person that's always supported me suddenly saying all this horrible stuff about me?  She won't acknowledge at all that maybe something she said hurt me.  And she just keeps saying well it's not the first time i've missed a meeting with her.  Ok fine, whatever.  She should know that I'm working my ass off.  Oh and then she says that I'm continuously treating this shit like I don't care.  Again...wtf?!  She's the one that's seen me cry.  She's the ONLY face to face person that I've given details of my past stuff to.  That's not easy stuff to say.  I've cried and poured my heart out to her.  And now she's saying all this....about how she's apparently been thinking this for a long time.  So wtf has all that other stuff meant?  When she told me I was doing well....when she told me she was proud of me...when she said she cared....when she said she "loves" me.  How is it loving to suddenly be pulling this stuff on me?

If I act emotionally i'm supposed to be learning to control my emotions....so I act calmly and she says i'm too matter of fact and clearly I don't care.

Then she asks what I want from her.  But whatever answer I give she doesn't hear it.  I don't know how to put it into words.  I don't fucking know how to talk about this stuff.  That's so much of the issues I have now.  No one ever taught me how to talk about stuff.  I'm trying but apparently it doesn't come out right.  I just want her to have my back.  I want her to get it.  Or at least attempt to get it.  Not just tell me i'm making excuses, manipulating, etc.  I get the tough love thing...I want her to hold me accountable...but when I'm losin it and all she can focus on is what i screwed up on that's not helpful!  I can't handle that!  It just frustrates me and flips me out further.  She says now that it would've been better for me to tell her flat out that I didn't want to meet with her because I was pissed....not because I had homework/laundry/interview prep to do.  Well, i'm sorry I couldn't successfully talk about my feelings to someone who is continually rehashing everything i've screwed up on while I'm panicking so bad I can barely move.  Sure it's something I need to work on, but she's acting like this is the unforgivable sin.  I'm not going to grovel and beg....especially if she's not going to acknowledge any wrong-doing.  I already apologized for her feeling hurt, but frankly I did everything I could and I did the best I could.  Maybe that's what I want.  Maybe I want her to trust me...even just a little bit.  Fuck.

Oh, and to make things worse I went to a recovery based chat room that I visit now and then.  When I was there the other day people were so supportive....and one person especially was telling me they were impressed by all the progress i've made and all this shit.  Same person was there today and goin off on me over stupid shit.  I guess I sort of brought it on myself, but still, suddenly I had a whole chat room full of people talking to me like i'm an idiot.  (If you're wondering, I mentioned I'd been sober for 9 months so really dealing with this stuff was all new to me.  Some idiot said well i have 9 months and I'm already half way through the steps with a sponsee.  I said seriously?  I would want someone with a lot more than 9 months to rely on to guide me through the steps.  Suddenly everyone was jumping all over me no matter what I said about how sobriety time doesn't make someone more together or a better person.  Yeah.  No shit.  But i'd still rather someone with 10 years of quality sobriety experience vs. 10 months.  There's only so much you can experience and learn in 10 months.  Of course everyone is still learning, but with all the work I've put in, the tons of meetings I've been to, I sure don't know shit!  I wouldn't trust just anyone just because they have a lot of sobriety time, but come on now.  Grrrrrrrr.).

---------------

Ok struggling to find something I'm grateful for right now.  I'm sure there's something but shit just keeps building up tonight.  I guess I'm grateful for my 9 months....and my progress....no matter what anyone else thinks of it.  There was a girl at the meeting tonight who was there for her very first meeting.  I was really impressed with her because she looked to be fairly young (about my age...serious baby age for AA...lol), had researched AA online totally on her own, come to a meeting and introduced  herself.  That takes a lot....I went to multiple meetings early on where I would show up late after the introductions and what not were over, and leave early before anyone could try to talk to me or touch me or whatever.  Anyway, seeing her reminded me how absolutely bizarre AA feels when you first come in.  I was lucky, I had IOP to rely on in early sobriety while I tried to get comfortable transitioning to AA.  So I'm grateful for IOP, and I'm grateful that I have 9 months of experience to face these issues with without freaking out.

Life is weird...

I wouldn't be where I am now without my sponsor.  She's given me soooooo much, well beyond anything I would've ever believed a person could give.  She listened and she heard me, but also challenged me.  She didn't let me get away with my old ideas that I couldn't...that it was too hard...that I was doomed to be a failure...etc. etc.  She gave me the first glimpse of a new me.

She was there with me as things started to get better.  She celebrated with me when I started to feel actual happiness.  She was my rock in the midst of all the changes, the craziness, the chaos, and everything else.

Now we're fighting.  I guess.  I'm not sure if that's even the right word for it.  But it's not good.

It started 2 Fridays ago.  I had a horrible day.  Horrible, horrible, horrible.  I don't really know what caused it.  I woke up to my alarm, got up, took my shower, got dressed.  Then I started having panic attacks.  The flashbacks came.  I froze.  Suddenly I was curled up on my couch feeling little else other than terror and exhaustion.  I knew I needed to get up and go to class but I was frozen in place.  I was in so much panic I couldn't eat (couldn't handle anything in my mouth), and I was struggling to hold on to any semblance of reality.  Thankfully a wonderful friend was there for me and helped me at least maintain some grip on things.

I made it through the day somehow, barely, and that evening I called my sponsor.  I told her about the horrible day I'd had.  I also told her about the new mini-crisis I'd just discovered.  I had planned on going to the pharmacy to fill my prescriptions after class, but obviously haven't made it.  I wasn't concerned though because I had enough and the pharmacy was open Saturday.  Well, what I didn't realize was that my insurance had expired.  I knew the expiration date was coming up soon, but I'd thought it was the 9th, which was Sunday.  Unfortunately, I sometimes get dyslexic with numbers.  The actual date on the card was the 6th but I'd recorded it as the 9th.  So I was already too late.  Damn.  I'd been on quite a few meds ever since trying to kill myself in August '11.  They all give big warnings not to stop them abruptly, so obviously it was an issue and a concern...and it really put me over the top.

After I told my sponsor this, it seemed to be all she could focus on.  She's in to the tough love approach.  I get that.  She doesn't let me get away with shit.  But after I'd told her how much pain I was in, how horrible my day was, it was like all she could focus on still was how I screwed up and needed to do better with dates.  She went on and on about how I needed to write things down in more than one place...leave notes to myself...etc.  When I told her had I done that I would've written down the wrong dates in those multiple places, she kept at it with how I needed to have someone else confirm things when I write them down, etc. etc.  She just wouldn't let it go.  I obviously realized I'd screwed up, but what the hell?  I tell her I'm having the worst day I've had in a very long time (I really haven't had crazy flashbacks like that in a long, long time) and her response is to go on and on about what I should've done better?!  I was pissed.

I honestly don't remember details of the conversation now.  Just that I was seriously pissed off and hurt.  The person I was so used to getting support from just not hearing me at all.

When we got off the phone I called another AA friend.  Thankfully this friend was amazing and so so helpful.  The first thing she told me was to stop beating myself up for what had already happened.  She realized that it was adding to my panic and helped me focus on what I could do in the moment to start feeling better.  She talked me through settling down and it just absolutely meant the world to me.  Thankfully that friend helped me through the weekend, and helped me prep for the job interview I had on monday that I was really panicked about.  (I could barely finish a thought, much less be showing my best self in an interview!).

I was supposed to have met with sponsor on that sunday.  I was still unbelievably pissed at her though, and unbelievably lost in my own panic and craziness.  I hadn't managed to do much of anything so I had a ton of stuff to do to get ready for my interview the following day.  And I just didn't have the strength to deal with her.  I just knew in my heart that I didn't.  I was so pissed at her that I was just going to not bother with it, but then I decided that I needed to do the right thing and call her to let her know I wasn't coming.  I prepped myself beforehand.  I made the decision that I didn't want to argue it, or say anything to upset her or that I would regret or any of that, so I was just going to say flat out that I couldn't make it.  I ended up telling her that I wasn't able to make it, and mentioning that I had tons of homework, grocery shopping, laundry, etc. to get done.  That was all true, though of course not the full reason.  She again launched in to me...talking about how I need to take my program seriously and yada yada.  But she also told me she had other stuff to do so it didn't seem like a huge deal.  I did say that I was taking things seriously, because I am.  I really really am.  I'm working my ass off at this stuff.  But beyond that I just left it.  I told her to enjoy her day and that was that.  I think I might have cut her off a little by accident (when she said she had other stuff to do, I thought she was telling me she was heading off to do that) but everything seemed fine.

I stayed pissed for another couple days...while still so grateful for my other friend helping me through the interview and everything else.  But after a really helpful meeting on relationships on tuesday night, I decided I needed to remember that she was human too, and I needed to get this out in the open rather then keeping it in.  I called her that night and her phone was busy (she's about the one person in the world with no cell phone and no call waiting! lol).  I called again Wednesday but it was busy when I called.  Since I was still unsure about things with her, I didn't feel up to putting in tons of work to get in touch with her.

By Thursday I started to wonder though.  Usually if we haven't talked in a couple of days she calls me, since she knows it can be hard to get through to her on the phone sometimes.  But I hadn't heard anything.  So, I called her during the day on Thursday when I knew she wouldn't be home just to leave a message.  I told her I missed her, that I was trying to get in touch with her, and that I hoped she's ok.

She called me that night and it was awkward.  There was definitely the big elephant in the room, as we made small talk about other stuff.  Finally I mentioned something about a meeting i'd been to where accountability had been a part of the topic.  At that point she jumped in and pretty much put her mom voice on.  She said, "Well you're talking about accountability.  You blew me off on Sunday and that's not how you treat someone you care about.  I'll still work with you, but only if you apologize and tell me you won't do it again."

To which I thought, "Say what??!!"  I was totally shocked because I felt I'd done the right thing by calling her.  A lot of not so nice responses came to mind, but I took a breath and kept my cool (which I'm totally amazed by and proud of! :).  I gave her the politicians apology....I told her I was sorry she'd felt hurt, but that i'd felt as though she was essentially kicking me while I was down when I'd talked to her before rather than be supportive.  She kind of changed the subject at that point which was weird to me.  She didn't accept nor reject my apology.  She didn't acknowledge that I too had felt hurt.

For the rest of that call I pretty much just sat back and let her talk because I was really upset.  For one thing I felt like she was talking to me like I was 2 and she was putting me in time out.  Secondly, she wasn't acknowledging my feelings at all.  At all.  Not even a tiny little bit.  I was again really put off by it and didn't know what to do.  We've talked a couple of times since then but it just hasn't felt the same. I was really uncomfortable leaving it how it was, but unfortunately she cancelled our usual meeting for this last sunday.  Actually she hardly even cancelled it....she just didn't even mention it happening or anything.  She just said "oh yeah I'm going up to the mountains with some friends on Sunday."  She never said a word about our usual meeting.  Ok frustrating, because i'd planned that when she asked about that I could bring up how i was feeling.  Or we could use our usual meeting time to talk through this stuff.  But no.

So after talking to some others about it, I decided I needed to bring it up and say what I needed to say.  I called sunday night and left a message since she wasn't home yet.  I asked if she had time we could meet because I wanted to talk to her in person (though I figured she wouldn't because of her work schedule which is why we normally meet on Sundays).  She called today and said she couldn't meet and wanted to talk over the phone.  Ok not what I wanted because I feel like stuff gets lost over the phone, but I guess I'll take what I can get.  She seemed surprised that I had stuff I wanted to talk about so I guess she's not seeing an issue in things the way I am.  But the stuff she said left me really shocked and really upset....though I'll have to leave that for another post because this is getting long already.  hahaha suspense! lol

Sad...update #3

This one's gonna be quick because I'm super tired.  I got to our meeting spot and he wasn't there!  I called him and he didn't answer.  I called again and still no answer.  I sent him a text and then sat down to figure out what to do next.  I was pissed!  I had just talked to him an hour before and he was standing me up?!

Well, just a few minutes later he called and said he was on his way.  A little frustrating but he said he got in an argument with his mom on his way out and that made it take him a lot longer to leave.  Whatever.  At least he showed.

He looked amazing.  He was a big guy when I first met him but he started working out and went on a diet.  He's lost a ton of weight and the difference is amazing!  He seemed happy, and had lots of good stuff to say.  There was only a quick bit of awkwardness, but mostly it was just like old times.  He even remembered some of our jokes better than I did.  It meant SO much to me that he still remembered them, because that means they meant something to him too.  I was afraid it'd just been some silly nothingness to him.

It turns out his 1st AA birthday is next Sunday, so we're almost exactly 3 months apart.  He actually agreed to maybe let me take him out for dinner. :)  I assumed he'd have family stuff to do, but he said since I've been there with him from the beginning he'd really like to spend it with me.  Awwwww.  Not holding my breath, but still nice that he would consider it.

We mostly talked about silly stuff, but he helped me with some serious stuff too.  He's definitely not interested in a romantic relationship (he told me about 2 different girls that are hot and that he's in to) which is totally fine by me.  I'm just glad to have him back as a friend!

Sad...update #2

So I kind of accidentally blew him off today.  I didn't really mean to, I was just tired and got distracted. But he ended up calling me about an hour or so after I said I'd call him/come see him/whatever.  As sad as it may sound, the fact that he actually called is huge for him.  He's like me...not a phone guy.  He apologized again for making me feel like he didn't care, and he gave me a run-down of some of the shit he's been dealing with.  Basically....he got caught way off guard by how difficult his school program is.  Last year when we were on the same campus he was just doing pre-req's.  Now he's in the "real" program, and it's the type where they set your schedule and it's a ton of work.  He didn't realize how intense it was going to be so now he's behind and having a ton of homework to do every night.  His parents are supporting him so he can focus on school and not work, but in exchange they're putting a ton of pressure on him to get all A's.  Pretty intense for someone who has never really been the student type.  I know he struggled just with passing the pre-req's last year, though he was working then.  He has some other stuff happening too, which is too much to go in to now.  But now that I've heard the story, it makes a lot more sense why his texts were so weird.  I still think he's a bit of an ass, but I can totally see where he would've been too overwhelmed or just forgotten.  

So...i'm giving in.  I'm driving across town to meet him for coffee.  Here's hoping! :)  (Smiling like a smitten 12-year-old again....lol  Trying not to get too over-excited).

Sad....an update

Well, as I mentioned at the end of my last post I decided I had nothing to lose and sent him a text asking why he doesn't want to talk to me anymore.  He eventually did write back saying that's not true, that he likes hanging out with me, he's just busy with school.  He said he'd be doing homework at Starbucks today and that I should come meet up with him there.  I didn't answer right away so he sent another text saying, "Just to let you know, I've missed talking to you."   Hmmmm....ok...sounds nice.  I wasn't about to let him off that easy though as that is not what he's shown me.  So I told him that I understood being busy with school all too well, but it was hurtful when his texts, if he replied, were never more than a couple words long, and that it made me feel like he didn't care.  (I wanted to say more about this and how I felt if he had time to text a couple words he at least had time to say "I'm busy with school but doing well" or whatever the case may be.  But text so isn't the medium for going into detail...it would not have been my first choice at all but it seems the only one he'll actually communicate in!)  Anyway, after I sent that he replied with, "I really do care.  I didn't know you felt that way.  I'm sorry."  Of course anyone can say anything over texts, but "hearing" him say I'm sorry feels sooooo freakin' good!

He asked again if I would meet him at Starbucks today.  I don't want this to turn into a he says jump I say how high thing, nor do I want to be chasing him and his every whim around to get a chance to see him.  I do want to see him though.  So I replied that that sounds nice, but that the time he suggested wouldn't work for me.  Maybe later.  And he said, "Ok, I'll be there all day."

So I guess we'll see what happens.  I'll probably call/text later when I'm done with my stuff and see if he replies.  There's no way I'm driving out to the Starbucks by him without actual confirmation that he's there (not to mention I forget where it is! lol).  I'm being much more careful about things this time, but I'm tentatively adding a 3rd option to the list from before.  3).  He's really unbelievably thick-headed!  In a sense that still makes him an ass, but at least an unintentional one! lol

I'll let ya'll know how it goes but for now I just want to say...man this standing up for myself shit is fun!
 

Sad

It's been a while since I've blogged.  I've been meaning to for a long time...had lots of posts in my head.  I'd planned to come post about the whirlwind my life has been in the month since I last blogged, and I do still plan to do that, but for now I have something else on my mind.

I'm sad tonight.  I met this guy back when I was in IOP.  This guy and I couldn't have been more different, and honestly he annoyed the crap outta me when I first met him.  I found him to be an unbelievably full of himself know it all.  He already had a couple of months sober when he came into the program, so after my relapse he was a bit more than 3 months ahead of me.  (Funny part is that back then that amount was HUGE to me....because 100 days was unfathomable when I struggled to link more than a week or so.  Now a difference of 3 months really isn't that big...and once we both have a year then we'll seem really close in time).  Anyway, he had already been in inpatient rehab before coming to IOP so he didn't stay super long.  He came in well after me and graduated before me.  (Granted I had a rather long stay in IOP....I needed remedial lessons...lol  But at least I made it out the "right" way...rather than the ones that disappeared/gave up or got kicked out for screwin around).

After this guy graduated, and I wasn't really sad to see him go, I seemed to keep running in to him.  And honestly every time I saw him I started liking him more.  We were going to the same school at that time, and he happened to have a class that started after mine ended.  We'd talk in the halls for the 15 min. or so before he had to go in to class.  I found I enjoyed his company outside of a treatment setting...when we could just talk about whatever rather than recovery focused stuff.  (OK meetings and whatnot did come up....but in a much more limited way).  I ended up having to drop that class though, so I again thought that would likely be the last time I'd see him.

Then one night I was at a meeting w/my sponsor.  It was the meeting where I first met her, but I didn't go there often because I didn't feel I clicked with many of the people there.  Well, guess who happened to be there at that meeting!  It's funny because during IOP we'd talked about what we look for in a meeting and he and I had said pretty much exact opposite things.  So it was fitting, and funny, that he had apparently been spending a lot of time at this club where I really didn't like the meetings.  (He liked talking with the "old-timers" with lots of years of sobriety because they had experienced so much life while sober and showed him it was possible and could help guide him through anything....I got intimidated and annoyed by people with so much sobriety because I felt I didn't have a connection to them.  I still feel that way in some cases, but especially early on I much preferred getting advice from someone who had a year or two...or less...or at least single digits...because I couldn't fathom staying sober a year much less 10+ years).

Anyway, we once again reconnected at this particular meeting, and I started going every week mainly just to hang out with him.  I gave him rides home a couple of times and it was on those drives that this incredible connection blossomed seemingly out of nowhere.  While I was still in a bit of a rough place in life, and really struggling, we could both make each other laugh so hard we cried and our sides hurt.  We had these never-ending inside jokes that built and built upon each other until it was like we were speaking a language no one else could understand.  We could say one word to each other and crack the other one up.  Sometimes it was just a look.  It became almost dangerous for us to sit by each other, or even where we could see each other during meetings because we would get each other laughing so much.

Now I've never had a boyfriend.  I've never dated.  I've been with plenty of guys, but never really by choice.  Even relationships I'd thought were of my choosing were really, I realized later, based on manipulation.  So in the world of dating and such, I'm basically a 12-year-old.  I'm starting to develop interest and have no idea how to act on it.  Well, I hadn't thought I'd ever be interested in a guy.  I (understandably) have major trust issues with everyone, but especially males.  But with this guy I felt a connection and I felt safe.  I was able to stop second guessing his motives.  I could actually picture a physical relationship somewhere down the road.  (Not thinking anywhere huge here, but I enjoyed holding hands with him which was huge in itself for me).

Then suddenly he stopped coming to the meeting.  Well first he just missed a week.  Then another week.  Then one night I saw him in the parking lot.  He was leaving as I was arriving.  He said he'd just met with his sponsor, as he usually did before the meeting, but he was worn out from school so not staying for the meeting.  I told him I missed him and he said he was going to get back to going to the meeting regularly.  I asked if he wanted to get together.  This was on a Friday.  We decided to meet up that Monday evening.  I was going to a meeting closer to his area (he lives waaaay out in the boonies).  We didn't make a definite plan which bothered me because he's not great about answering his phone...but he said for sure we'd meet up and we'd plan the details later.

Early on Monday I texted to confirm our plans.  No response.  Later, before my meeting I texted again. Still no response.  I'd hoped he would text during the meeting but no.  I called immediately after the meeting.  No answer.  I was supposed to go meet him right after the meeting.  I stayed an extra half hour hoping for a reply but nothing so I texted again telling him I was going home.  That night about midnight I got a reply.  But it wasn't an apology or anything, he just said that he was upset.  I asked what happened and he said he'd left his phone in his car.  He sort of said he was upset with himself for leaving the phone....more just upset in general though and not taking any responsibility or seeming to be at all aware of how I felt.  He offered to do something the following day instead.  Sort of.  The offer made it sound like it would be a huge burden to him but he would be willing to to make up for it.  I pretty much said f- that.  If I'm a burden I don't want to do it.  So I didn't reply.

That was essentially the last time we talked...a couple of months ago maybe.  I've mostly stopped going to that meeting, but my sponsor still goes and she says he hasn't been there.  About a month ago I was thinking of him and how much I miss the fun we had together.  I sent him a text telling him so and asking how he was doing.  He answered with something to the effect of "I'm great."  No "It's great to hear from you, how are you?" or anything of that nature.  Just "I'm great."  I waited a bit for more to be added and finally said "so staying busy with school then?" trying to make conversation.  He replied with "yep."  And that was it.  I came to 2 potential conclusions from this.  1.)  He's really not ok...either back to drinking/using or just not doing well in general so not wanting to talk.  2.) He's an ass.  So I guess in that sense I'm hoping he's an ass.  Because I'd rather him be a sober, healthy ass than be doing something that could kill him.

I'd pretty well let it go, but it's all coming back up tonight because it's birthday night.  At the club that held the meeting we used to go to together, they do a night once a month to celebrate everyone who has an AA birthday that month.  They have cake, and each person who has a birthday speaks about their experience and such.  His name is on the list, so in theory that means he's still sober.  That's good.  I called him but no big surprise, he didn't answer his phone.  My sponsor called his sponsor and I guess he didn't answer either.  (His sponsor has gotten involved with a girl with major drug issues who can't seem to string together any real sobriety and apparently has taken many men out with her...another big red flag).  Anyway, I sent him a text to congratulate him, ask him if he was going to birthday night, and threw in one of our old inside jokes.  Not surprisingly, he didn't respond.  What makes me so sad about it is that when we would have these jokes together we would always talk about him putting them in to his birthday night speech (since his would come up before mine).  We had nearly "written" an entire speech worth, and it was hilarious though no one else in the world would get it.  So now it's like sealing the deal on the fact that whatever we had, relationship, friendship, or whatever else, is done.  We're not getting sober together now.  I have lots of ppl in AA who support me...ppl who have been in the program a long time, but with him it was like we were growing up together.  We were discovering and learning things together....like the two kids around all the other grown-ups.  Unfortunately, most everyone I was "growing up" with have disappeared...likely back to drinking.  At least he's still apparently sober and in the program.  But now, instead of laughing with him and celebrating his birthday with him through a speech no one else would understand (I'd been wanting to see how many of our jokes I could actually get him to say...lol) I'm instead left to pray that he is just a sober ass.

JJ I miss you.  I wish I knew better what was going on.

He did finally reply to my text with another 2 word reply.  "U know."  Whatever that means.  I guess he's referring to the joke part but he didn't answer any of my questions.  I finally decided to say something about all this...rather than waiting for him to come to me as was the original plan.  I replied back with "Why do you never want to talk to me anymore?"  So far no answer, but at least I've put it out there now.  That's one thing I've been learning a lot lately....that I do have the ability to stand up for myself, even to men, and take my power back without completely losing it emotionally.  And I'm hurt by him but I know it won't get the best of me because I'm stronger than that.  But I do wish this night had gone a very, very different way.  I'd given up weeks ago that it would, but now that the actual night is here it hurts again.  This emotions/relationships/not numbing everything out stuff is hard!

-------------------------

What I am grateful for is the amazing thing that AA does offer....that there is always someone I can talk to.  I have a whole list of friends I can call now.  Even if they're not friends like him that I would spend a ton of time with, I know I can still rely on them when I need them.  And then if they're not around I have lists of numbers of people I can call...even though some of them I barely know.  And if that fails I have a chat room of people in recovery I can go to.  I hadn't been there in a while but I went back today and some of them even remembered me.  I talked to them about some of the crap I have going on and even in the midst of that one of them commented that they remembered me from when I'd come in before and were amazed at how much I'd grown in my ability to talk things out and figure out rational ways to deal with stuff.  Pretty damn cool.  And on that note I'm also grateful for, as I mentioned above, this new-found ability to know what I believe in and how I feel and to stand up for it....to say what I think and really stand behind it without losing my cool and screaming at anyone or hurting myself or wanting to drink or any of the old ways i used to handle things.  (Ok I still want to drink over it sometimes, but it's a fleeting thought rather than an obsession).