Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Alrighty then

Last night my sponsor and I mutually decided to see other people.

Tonight I found a new sponsor.

Alrighty then.

I gave my now former sponsor the letter I wrote.  She called back last night and thanked me for it, but said that she still felt I wasn't being direct.  I felt I was being as direct as I knew how to be by saying that I'm unbelievably confused.  Basically I said in the letter that I can't imagine doing this with anyone else, but I don't know how to continue with her.  She said that when she says i've been stuck she means with the AA progress, though I have made personal life progress.  I guess that's a big difference.  I don't really know.  To me it feels like it's all huge progress.  The part that bothered me was that she said she thought I hadn't made any real progress since father's day.  Well, a. father's day was a long time ago, and b. father's day was the day that I told her a big chunk of my past story.  So it's hurtful to think that she thinks my progress stopped when I let my past be out in the open.  Though maybe it's just that she doesn't know how to really deal with someone with an abuse history like me.  Dealing with trauma is one thing (and unfortunately very common amongst AA women) but I think my stuff could still scare a lot of ppl off.  Not trying to....errrr....brag?  But that's the truth of it.

Anyway, I felt like I wasn't getting an answer from my sponsor about the big issue that was bothering me so I finally just asked her: "So when you said all that stuff about loving me and being proud of me, did you mean it?"  She responded with of course she did, and that this was a program of honesty so she wouldn't bullshit me.  I think she bullshat (lol) me a little, but whatever.  She told me that I am the most beautiful woman that she's ever sponsored, and she just wants to see me grow.  She thinks for right now the way for me to grow is by getting the perspective of someone new since we seem to be stuck in a stalemate.  She also said that her door is always open and we can still be friends and all that.  The most beautiful woman thing did mean a lot to me, cus she's said stuff sorta like that before and it felt good to hear again.  She says that I have a depth to me that she feels when talking to me that most others don't have.  She says that likely because of my past I now experience life in a different way.  I feel things more deeply, appreciate things more than most can, etc.  It really, really wow'ed me when she told me that.  I wish I could remember the exact words, but anyway...something about feeling energized spiritually from talking to me or something.

But back to tonight.  Ever since (former) sponsor and I officially parted ways, I've been racking my brain trying to come up with who I could ask.  Well really i've been working on figuring that out for at least a couple weeks now because I had a feeling this was coming.  It's much harder to pick someone now because I have more depth in the program and I know a lot more about people.  When I was new, anyone and everyone knew more than I did.  Now I've learned that I need to pick carefully to find someone who can help me get out of this stuff I'm stuck in.

As I thought and prayed about it, one particular woman kept coming to mind.  She was at one of the very first meetings I ever went to, and she was someone I relied on when I had some issues w/my sponsor early on.  I wasn't real sure of her early on...didn't really like my first impression of her to be honest, but I got close to her because she was sponsoring a good friend of mine who started at the same time as me.  (Said friend is now god knows where...likely in jail though I'm praying she's not....though I'm still grateful to her for allowing me to have this relationship with this person that I know really respect and like a lot).  I hadn't seen this woman at a meeting in quite a while, so i was thinking I should just call her anyway and see what's up.

Well, lo and behold I go to my regular meeting tonight and there she is.  Okey dokey god, is this a sign?  But then she starts to talk and talks about how she's been working 12 hour days almost every day and is exhausted and etc. etc.  Well fuck, so much for that.  But then I decided to ask her afterwards anyway.  I told her I understood that she was busy but that my sponsor and I had just parted ways...and before I could even finish asking the question she said yes.  It helped that I was celebrating my 9 months of sobriety tonight (the official 9 months was yesterday but part of the fun of going to different meetings is I get to celebrate it again with different people. :) and she had commented on how good I look.  She seemed excited about it, and said that her work is going in to it's quieter time now.  (I realized after I left that I don't have a clue what she does for work! lol)  It's just temporary for now, and we'll see how it goes, but at least I'm no longer floating in the lost sea of sponsorlessness, which seemed like a bit of a scary, uncertain place to be.  I definitely didn't expect to find someone so fast though!We have a plan to meet for coffee and talk about stuff on Friday afternoon and we'll go from there.  Yay.

Now here's the crazy part.  As I was getting ready to leave she gave me a hug and said, "Love you."  Now as some of you know I despise the word love.  It's just been used in way too many horrible, manipulative ways in my life.  I've reached the point where I can appreciate it from close friends, but even then it often makes me cringe.  But tonight, even though a little piece of me was cringing, without even much of a thought I said "love you too."  Wow.  My first sponsor I knew it was right because she was the first person I felt comfortable calling even though others have given me there phone number.  This seems like a sign too.  Even afterwards as I was walking out I was thinking to myself holy fuck did that just happen??!!  Even with close friends I've never been able to get the words love you back out to them.

For now this seems like where god wants me to be.  We'll see how it goes.  At least I'm feeling a bit better about it all.
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It's pretty easy to see what I'm grateful for.  But on top of this a couple of my recent meetings have been on gratitude.  I used to hate gratitude meetings cus I thought my life sucked and got annoyed by talking about all the good stuff in theirs.  But now I love them because it's overwhelming how much there truly is to be grateful for.  One girl tonight mentioned being thankful for her dishwasher, which cracked me up but it's so, so true.  So i'm thankful for my dishwasher, and my fridge even though it sucks and doesn't work half the time, and for rain and for my roof to keep the rain off me and my car so I don't have to walk in the rain and my ability to go to school and I could go on and on but I'm falling asleep typing.  Which I'm grateful for too because there was a significant time in my life where I couldn't sleep at all, or at least not this "early."  (It's almost midnight...but early to sleep for me used to be about 2 am. Now this is super late).

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