Tuesday, September 18, 2012

I'm ok

Though it may sound strange, that phrase ("I'm ok") has gotten me in more trouble than any other.  In fact it nearly killed me.

See, when I had the big fall out conversation with my sponsor yesterday, one thing she brought up was the I regularly sound like I don't care, and she thinks maybe I'm trying to pretend everything is fine when it's not.  I was hurt and upset by this, but I can't say that I'm shocked.

I'm hurt because she's the first person I've ever really been honest with.  Or at least tried to be honest with.  I'm upset because she's talking about this like it's something that's been going on for a long time though she hasn't mentioned it.  We've even talked about how I've put in so much work and have really done a lot, so this seems to be coming out of nowhere to me.

But I'm not shocked.

See, I grew up having to convince the outside world that I was just fine even when my life was far from it.  My life depended on it.  I was going through severe abuse at home, but I knew better than to ever let on.  One time a teacher got suspicious because of things I said, and an investigation was launched.  They didn't find enough to convict anyone (and I denied everything I said out of fear).  As soon as it was over my dad beat me 'til I could barely move and told me to never, ever do that again.  So I didn't.

I had to go to school some days with my insides still on fire, and sit there in class like it was just another day.  I had to make sure the clothes I was wearing covered up the marks and the bruises.  And emotionally, I had to smile.  In order to protect my parents, and through that myself as well, I had to just be ok.  So I learned from an early age how to fake it.  I believed very strongly that it would be pure weakness to do anything else.

Looking back I have no idea how I managed.  How does a kid go through that kind of shit and keep it all inside?  I have no idea.  Survival I guess.

The point for me now is that it became a habit.  When things get more crazy on the inside, I subconsciously make more and more of an effort to be "fine" on the outside.  I don't know how to tell people when I'm not ok.  It's become an issue that's nearly ended my therapy right now because we're at odds.  It seems the only way I'm able to talk about things is if someone asks just the right question.  But he (therapist) won't ask too many questions because he wants to let me decide what I want to talk about.  So we sit there in silence and frustration.

Last year, when I was on the verge of killing myself I was so desperate for someone, anyone, to truly hear me.  I needed someone to know how bad I hurt.  But when people would approach me and ask, "how are you?" I would say "I'm good!  How are you?"  Even with good friends the closest I could get to anything was, "A little tired."  A little tired?!  WTF?!  I was planning my own death and even with close friends the best I could do was I'm tired??!  It made me crazy.  I would repeat the words I wanted to say in my head.  I could do it just fine while alone.  But it's like when there's people around a switch flips and I become not quite myself.  I become the strong exterior, smile, show how great things are version of me.  Again for whatever reason, the only way I know to be able to talk about stuff is if someone asks just the right question.  I imagine back then if someone had asked me if I was planning my death I would've said why yes, I am , and here's why.  But of course no one would ask something like that.  So the only way I could get attention for what I needed is to actively slouch down in a corner and look sad and depressed and miserable until someone would ask what's wrong.  Then I could start to talk.  So then of course people start to think I'm being manipulative.  And yes in a sense that is manipulative because i'm trying to make people ask me something, but I don't know how else to approach someone and tell them something is wrong and I need help.  I never learned that skill.

The summer before this last one is when the heat of all the suicidal stuff was happening.  I was miserable.  As soon as I was alone I hurt so bad that I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't do anything but lay in bed.  I thought often about hurting myself.  I'd get home from work and drank until I passed out because that was the only way I could handle the pain.  I was the epitome of misery.  But you know how the people at work described me?  "Smiley."  "Energetic."  "Enthusiastic."  "Passionate."  etc. etc.  I worked with kids, and would get comments often from kids, parents, supervisors, etc. about the impact I was making.

Don't get me wrong it's good that I could do that.  I'm glad I was able to make an impact and it gave me some purpose in life.  But at work I'd feel like I was on top of the world.  I felt so much like I mattered. Then as I was driving home, it was like I crossed through this invisible plane and suddenly all of that was gone.  I was miserable.  I hated myself.  I thought why do I bother, those kids would be so much better off with ANYONE else as their teacher.  During work I would think of great, fun, healthy things to do with my evening.  After work I would eat something cold if I could manage (by the time anything could heat up I would definitely lose interest) and the misery would take over.  It was honestly bizarre.  I knew both the work me and the at-home me were me, but they couldn't have been more opposite.  It amazed me as I thought about it at home.  If those parents knew how I was after work, they wouldn't want me anywhere near their kids.  But instead they were gushing about how great I was.  In some ways it made things hurt that much more.  It made the isolation that much deeper because on the random days that people did invite me to do stuff with them and I wouldn't be able to make it, they wouldn't understand.  They couldn't understand the pain I was in, and how would they?

That is the isolation that nearly caused me to take my own life.  It wasn't just the pain, but the constant fake smiling while I hurt so bad inside.  I was so so tired of trying to be "ok" on the outside, but I didn't know how to do different.  Apparently I still don't.

I guess it's still somewhat good.  I don't want everyone I go to school with, everyone I work with, etc. knowing how messed up I am these days.  (Though they kind of do, I've also, since childhood, tended to be labeled "the weird one" because I do have times where emotions get the best of me and I go extra quiet or awkward or whatever).  But I thought I was being honest with my sponsor.  I thought I was really letting her in.  Aside from some times at IOP, she's the only one I've really let myself cry in front of face to face.  I read her my list of 70+ fears.  I let her know how hurt, damaged, and broken I am.  But apparently she's been seeing me being dishonest, holding things in, not really telling her how I feel.  (Again upsetting, because who knows how long she's really been thinking this...still pisses me off, but anyway...).

Oh and that's one more thing... (was totally gonna make this a short post...damn! lol)....as I've said before here I don't know how to handle emotions.  Recently it's anger, but there's others too.  I feel them, but I don't know how to release them because I've never dealt with them in any other way besides numbing.  I always thought that was dealing.  Anyway lately I thought I was really handling them well because when I would get angry at someone I was able to take a deep breath and talk about it without exploding.  But now sponsor says that that's more of this fake shit, and that I need to be more honest about how I feel.  Hmph.  Just feels like I can't win.  Just when I was starting to think I was getting the hang of this, I suddenly feel more lost than before.

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Gratitude...let's see.  I'm grateful that every day is a new day.  That no matter how stupid I feel one day, I have a chance to learn from it and do better the next.  I'm also grateful that now there are multiple people in this world that support me.  I had a couple of close friends before all this, but beyond that I had some acquaintances and little else.  Now I have that list of people to rely on.  I think I've been grateful for this a lot lately...but before something like this would've really sent me into a tailspin.  Now I am able to really look at it, and have lots of different people I can talk to about and get help for it.

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