Paying the price

I told my new sponsor a bit of my history today, and now I'm paying the price.  I didn't even go into detail, but every time I tell someone even a hint of it a big part of me freaks out.  The nice thing is that when she asked what happened (I mentioned I was dealing with flashbacks, panic, and lots of anger/rage from the past), I was able to be clear, simple, and matter of fact w/out losing it.  I'm getting much better at being able to state the facts.  I just said that my parents were both drug addicts and my dad basically sold me for drugs.  And that because of that I was hurt by many different men.  Enough to get the point across w/out bein too painful.  I didn't think it bothered me at all, but later on I was really panicky about it.  Granted I'm panicky about everything these days.  I was so well "trained" as a kid about all the horrible things that would happen if I told, that big parts of me are still terrified about it.  It's an improvement though.  The first time I told face to face a while back I started hallucinating people coming out of the shadows to kill me.  In comparison, needing to lay down with a blanket because I was fairly sure I would vomit is pretty minor.  And only a little bit of head running away with the "what if's".

So yeah, as I've said before, I'm thankful for the fact that even when things are crappy improvement can be seen.  And my new sponsor commented repeatedly today on how great she thinks I'm doing and how she thinks I have an overall great outlook on things.  We talked about my attempts to come to terms with the fact that I feel incredibly blessed by everything I've been given....I have a place to live, food to eat, I get to go to school, I live in a peaceful and safe area, I was guided to the right people to take care of me and help save my life and help me get sober...lots of little coincidences that don't make any sense except as from god.  All that stuff is great, and it really is remarkable that I came out of all that I did mostly healthy, not pregnant or anything, and alive!  I can't help but feel blessed for all of that, and yet so, so angry with god that I had to go through so much to begin with.  I don't know how to make those things come together.....being so thankful for my miraculous recovery from the horrible situation I should've never been in in the first place.  This will probably end up being it's own post at some point, because for now it's bedtime.

Oh, but one last thing, what the heck happened to my visit counter?  I was up to at least a few thousand and now i'm at 2?  My old blog that I don't use anymore was also reduced to zero.  Anyone know?  Did this happen to anyone else?