I wouldn't be where I am now without my sponsor. She's given me soooooo much, well beyond anything I would've ever believed a person could give. She listened and she heard me, but also challenged me. She didn't let me get away with my old ideas that I couldn't...that it was too hard...that I was doomed to be a failure...etc. etc. She gave me the first glimpse of a new me.
She was there with me as things started to get better. She celebrated with me when I started to feel actual happiness. She was my rock in the midst of all the changes, the craziness, the chaos, and everything else.
Now we're fighting. I guess. I'm not sure if that's even the right word for it. But it's not good.
It started 2 Fridays ago. I had a horrible day. Horrible, horrible, horrible. I don't really know what caused it. I woke up to my alarm, got up, took my shower, got dressed. Then I started having panic attacks. The flashbacks came. I froze. Suddenly I was curled up on my couch feeling little else other than terror and exhaustion. I knew I needed to get up and go to class but I was frozen in place. I was in so much panic I couldn't eat (couldn't handle anything in my mouth), and I was struggling to hold on to any semblance of reality. Thankfully a wonderful friend was there for me and helped me at least maintain some grip on things.
I made it through the day somehow, barely, and that evening I called my sponsor. I told her about the horrible day I'd had. I also told her about the new mini-crisis I'd just discovered. I had planned on going to the pharmacy to fill my prescriptions after class, but obviously haven't made it. I wasn't concerned though because I had enough and the pharmacy was open Saturday. Well, what I didn't realize was that my insurance had expired. I knew the expiration date was coming up soon, but I'd thought it was the 9th, which was Sunday. Unfortunately, I sometimes get dyslexic with numbers. The actual date on the card was the 6th but I'd recorded it as the 9th. So I was already too late. Damn. I'd been on quite a few meds ever since trying to kill myself in August '11. They all give big warnings not to stop them abruptly, so obviously it was an issue and a concern...and it really put me over the top.
After I told my sponsor this, it seemed to be all she could focus on. She's in to the tough love approach. I get that. She doesn't let me get away with shit. But after I'd told her how much pain I was in, how horrible my day was, it was like all she could focus on still was how I screwed up and needed to do better with dates. She went on and on about how I needed to write things down in more than one place...leave notes to myself...etc. When I told her had I done that I would've written down the wrong dates in those multiple places, she kept at it with how I needed to have someone else confirm things when I write them down, etc. etc. She just wouldn't let it go. I obviously realized I'd screwed up, but what the hell? I tell her I'm having the worst day I've had in a very long time (I really haven't had crazy flashbacks like that in a long, long time) and her response is to go on and on about what I should've done better?! I was pissed.
I honestly don't remember details of the conversation now. Just that I was seriously pissed off and hurt. The person I was so used to getting support from just not hearing me at all.
When we got off the phone I called another AA friend. Thankfully this friend was amazing and so so helpful. The first thing she told me was to stop beating myself up for what had already happened. She realized that it was adding to my panic and helped me focus on what I could do in the moment to start feeling better. She talked me through settling down and it just absolutely meant the world to me. Thankfully that friend helped me through the weekend, and helped me prep for the job interview I had on monday that I was really panicked about. (I could barely finish a thought, much less be showing my best self in an interview!).
I was supposed to have met with sponsor on that sunday. I was still unbelievably pissed at her though, and unbelievably lost in my own panic and craziness. I hadn't managed to do much of anything so I had a ton of stuff to do to get ready for my interview the following day. And I just didn't have the strength to deal with her. I just knew in my heart that I didn't. I was so pissed at her that I was just going to not bother with it, but then I decided that I needed to do the right thing and call her to let her know I wasn't coming. I prepped myself beforehand. I made the decision that I didn't want to argue it, or say anything to upset her or that I would regret or any of that, so I was just going to say flat out that I couldn't make it. I ended up telling her that I wasn't able to make it, and mentioning that I had tons of homework, grocery shopping, laundry, etc. to get done. That was all true, though of course not the full reason. She again launched in to me...talking about how I need to take my program seriously and yada yada. But she also told me she had other stuff to do so it didn't seem like a huge deal. I did say that I was taking things seriously, because I am. I really really am. I'm working my ass off at this stuff. But beyond that I just left it. I told her to enjoy her day and that was that. I think I might have cut her off a little by accident (when she said she had other stuff to do, I thought she was telling me she was heading off to do that) but everything seemed fine.
I stayed pissed for another couple days...while still so grateful for my other friend helping me through the interview and everything else. But after a really helpful meeting on relationships on tuesday night, I decided I needed to remember that she was human too, and I needed to get this out in the open rather then keeping it in. I called her that night and her phone was busy (she's about the one person in the world with no cell phone and no call waiting! lol). I called again Wednesday but it was busy when I called. Since I was still unsure about things with her, I didn't feel up to putting in tons of work to get in touch with her.
By Thursday I started to wonder though. Usually if we haven't talked in a couple of days she calls me, since she knows it can be hard to get through to her on the phone sometimes. But I hadn't heard anything. So, I called her during the day on Thursday when I knew she wouldn't be home just to leave a message. I told her I missed her, that I was trying to get in touch with her, and that I hoped she's ok.
She called me that night and it was awkward. There was definitely the big elephant in the room, as we made small talk about other stuff. Finally I mentioned something about a meeting i'd been to where accountability had been a part of the topic. At that point she jumped in and pretty much put her mom voice on. She said, "Well you're talking about accountability. You blew me off on Sunday and that's not how you treat someone you care about. I'll still work with you, but only if you apologize and tell me you won't do it again."
To which I thought, "Say what??!!" I was totally shocked because I felt I'd done the right thing by calling her. A lot of not so nice responses came to mind, but I took a breath and kept my cool (which I'm totally amazed by and proud of! :). I gave her the politicians apology....I told her I was sorry she'd felt hurt, but that i'd felt as though she was essentially kicking me while I was down when I'd talked to her before rather than be supportive. She kind of changed the subject at that point which was weird to me. She didn't accept nor reject my apology. She didn't acknowledge that I too had felt hurt.
For the rest of that call I pretty much just sat back and let her talk because I was really upset. For one thing I felt like she was talking to me like I was 2 and she was putting me in time out. Secondly, she wasn't acknowledging my feelings at all. At all. Not even a tiny little bit. I was again really put off by it and didn't know what to do. We've talked a couple of times since then but it just hasn't felt the same. I was really uncomfortable leaving it how it was, but unfortunately she cancelled our usual meeting for this last sunday. Actually she hardly even cancelled it....she just didn't even mention it happening or anything. She just said "oh yeah I'm going up to the mountains with some friends on Sunday." She never said a word about our usual meeting. Ok frustrating, because i'd planned that when she asked about that I could bring up how i was feeling. Or we could use our usual meeting time to talk through this stuff. But no.
So after talking to some others about it, I decided I needed to bring it up and say what I needed to say. I called sunday night and left a message since she wasn't home yet. I asked if she had time we could meet because I wanted to talk to her in person (though I figured she wouldn't because of her work schedule which is why we normally meet on Sundays). She called today and said she couldn't meet and wanted to talk over the phone. Ok not what I wanted because I feel like stuff gets lost over the phone, but I guess I'll take what I can get. She seemed surprised that I had stuff I wanted to talk about so I guess she's not seeing an issue in things the way I am. But the stuff she said left me really shocked and really upset....though I'll have to leave that for another post because this is getting long already. hahaha suspense! lol
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