Sad and angry

I'm still struggling a lot. Don't have a job or a place to live. Am going to see the dr. this afternoon so hopefully that will help.

I'm just so angry because this would be a hard place for anyone to be in. But I never had a fair shot at being "anyone." I'm having flashbacks almost constantly. I can't sleep because as soon as I get comfortable and start to drift off the flashbacks start. If I do manage to sleep then it's the nightmares. I'm back to drinking fairly regularly. Another wonderful habit offered by my parents.

I just feel so alone. Totally alone. I know I have people that care about me and I appreciate them greatly. But because of what was done to me as a little kid I have no family to turn to. Nowhere that I feel totally safe. Yes I have my foster family but it's different. It's that security that's not there.

I'm just so sad and angry. It feels like my life was ruined before it ever had a chance to begin. I'm trying not to dwell on it but how can you not? How can I get a job when I can't stand to look at myself? How can I expect a roommate to want to live w/me when I can barely stand being around me? How can I focus at school when any "quiet time" sends my brain back to terrifying times. How can I do any of this without sleeping? I know it's up to me to fight this but frankly that pisses me off right now. It wasn't up to me when they hurt me. I was a little kid. But now I have to deal with it for the rest of my life and they get to get rid of me and go on like it's nothing.

Just not fair. And right now I really want it to be. I want someone to take care of me. I need someone to find me a way out of this cus I don't know how.