This wednesday is my birthday. But I'm not like most people. I'm not excited for it, or making big fun plans. Instead, it's one of my least favorite days.
It's the day my nightmare began.
It's the day that I was treated extra badly as a child. Because it was the day that "the mistake" came into the world.
It's a day that reminds me how far from normal I am. How alone I am.
When the other kids' parents brought cupcakes to school on their kid's bday....i realized what I didn't have.
No one at school knew my birthday. No one brought anything special for me.
At home I prayed they wouldn't remember. I just wanted it to be another day.
I'm not saying this to look for sympathy now. Just trying to explain why it's a dreaded day for me.
Not only that, but bad shit always seems to happen around my birthday. It's a time of transition, and I never have liked transitions. I came into foster care just before my birthday...left on my 18th birthday.
This year it's especially bad. I just can't see what I have to celebrate.
Since my last birthday....
I've uncovered a ton of really really awful memories about my past.
I've been homeless twice.
I've started drinking again.
I'm having flashbacks more often than not.
I'm trying to go back to school but only a week in I'm really not doing well.
And more recently I've pretty well lost all hope and plans for the future.
Basically I've regressed...a lot. Now, at about to turn 27, i'm worse off than when i was a little kid. They tell me it's because now I'm actually dealing with what at the time I only survived out of necessity. Now that my brain has decided i'm safe, I have to actually process it. Thanks a lot brain, I'd like my denial back.
I'm not sure if anything I'm saying makes sense here. All I know is I've fought so hard for so long and I've gotten nowhere. I've tried so hard to do this on my own because i've wanted so badly to make it. Now i'm crashing and burning. I feel like a failure. And I just wish it wasn't happening on my birthday.
Know that there are people out here that care about you. I care what happens to you, I care how you feel and I know that you are a strong person. You are a survivor and you will make it through this.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Texas. You are stronger than you know. I am sorry you are having such a hard time and have struggled through so much in your life. But perhaps turning 27, you start over, kind of like a rebirth. You have been given the opportunity to break away and make a new start, work on your healing in a safe place. That in itself must be totally frightening. You can survive this. You have lived through hell and back. Don't stop now. It hurts like hell, it's horrid you have had to deal with the things you have. But you are safe now. You have people who want to be there for you like your parents should have been as a baby. You are wanted at 26-364/365 years old in the way you should have been from the day you were born. You are loved in the way a child should be, not the way the monsters showed you.
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