Crossroads

So I'm currently finding myself at a bit of a crossroads...This friday I have two different events going on. One is a party/get together for work, about an hour away since most of the place where I work is based out of a neighboring town. If I go, I will be the designated driver driving the people from my town in a company van. This is my usual role for these kind of events since the ppl at work know I don't drink and it works out well for everyone since I can facilitate the fun for others.

The other event is a party for my softball team. Everyone on my softball team drinks heavily. I can turn it down at the games because I'm focused on softball, but not so much at someone's house. If I go to that party there is no doubt in my mind that I will end up very, very drunk.

But I feel like this friday dilemma is symbolic of something much larger going on in my life right now. I have (so far) managed to avoid drinking today. There's only an hour left in the day, but the thought is still unfortunately very present. Basically, I think that my actions in the next day or two are going to decide where my life goes from here. Maybe that's over-dramatic, maybe not.

For years now I've believed very strongly that sobriety is a necessity for me to be successful in life. But lately, sobriety hasn't been working out so well. I have told only a few trusted people just how bad it's gotten, but I'll give you all an idea here. What triggered my last drinking relapse was the full recollection of some mostly repressed memories of my abusive past. These memories essentially took what happened to me from "pretty bad" to "inconceivable." It makes sense why I blocked them out. I lived them and yet it's still very, very hard for me to believe they really happened. It's hard for me to believe that anyone, but especially parents and relatives, could be so truly evil towards a child.

When I'm sober, it's these memories I have to contend with. I do ok most of the time at work since I'm distracted, but I have ended up pretty badly triggered by very minor comments and actions. Mostly though, the issue is outside of work. When I get home, the panic begins. I can't focus on anything else and the flashbacks begin to invade. The feelings of hopelessness take over. I start to wonder if I'll ever just be "normal" again. I start thinking very strongly about ending my life (don't worry, I have a plan in place if it gets too bad...no one needs to go calling ambulances or anything). Basically I end up feeling like that trapped little girl again with no way out. I become afraid to go anywhere or do anything, because in my eyes everywhere has either a way of hurting me or an opportunity for me to hurt myself. But I don't sleep either, even with all this time at home, because laying down triggers horrible memories, as does darkness. When I do fall asleep, I generally wake up with nightmares. As I'm hoping you're seeing, it's just bad all around. I'm not functioning well. It's hard to find even the smallest thing good since I mostly feel trapped in my own house (and now my own room since my roommate is causing more issues).

So last night I drank. And I smiled. And I laughed. And I sang and danced. Yes it was drinking by myself, which I know is a bad sign, but I felt GOOD by myself for the first time in a very, very long time. I didn't think about death at all. I didn't spend the evening focused on horrible thoughts...I spent the evening having my own little party. And really, we all need times to be happy. No one can live 24/7 in misery. My work makes me happy, but it's different since it's more the distracted from everything else, run on adrenaline because I have to thing...(don't get me wrong, I love my job, but the happiness doesn't reach down to me by myself...it stays at work).

Now obviously there's the issue that with the way I drink it's highly unlikely that it would ever be just a one time fun thing. It's very likely that I'll go back to drinking myself into oblivion and blacking out. I'll hit that point where it doesn't matter what I did while drunk because I won't remember it anyway. It will become an every night kind of routine. Sure it's possible that I could become just an occaisonal drinker, but it's unlikely given my history.

So I guess in a sense I'm choosing between misery now or fun now and misery later. Before now I could convince myself that it will be easier to fight the abuse issues if I'm not also fighting against major addiction issues, but now I'm not so sure. My sober self sits curled up in fear and is unable to do anything. Is that really healthier than my smiling drunk self?

And, since you're probably wondering...I've been trying to get in to therapy. It's been impossibly hard to find someone to take me that I can afford (the cheap places don't deal with my sort of issues it seems). I'm on meds, but they're clearly not doing much to help.

Sorry to ramble but this just seems like an impossible decision. I can't deal with either issue because as soon as I try I'll be attacked by the other. I just don't see a good way out of this.