Lately I haven't been updating near as much as I had been or want to be. But it's not an issue of lack of stuff happening or things to say. The issue is that I'm so totally trapped with the stuff in my head right now that it's hard to put it in to words to be shared with others. It's a catch 22...the more overwhelmed I am and the more I probably need to get it out here, the less I am able to. For anyone that's reading this though, know I could really use your support right now even though I'm not able to verbalize it too well.
A quick update...
I've started school. I'm taking 4 classes. I like them, but it's going to be absolutely exhausting to keep up with all of them. I haven't decided for sure if I'm staying in school since I've gotten an offer from a friend in another state to spend a couple of months living with her. I may take her up on that if the stress here gets to be too great. Also, in my current mental state, it's REALLY hard to look ahead to the future at all...especially for long term assignments. I've bought books for a couple of classes but that's it. It's hard to convince myself to do any class work.
Housing...I'm running out of days in my current place. I'm going to be busily moving the next few days. Unfortunately I have no idea where to. I've met a friend of one of my classmates (we're actually in 3 classes together) who is looking for a place as well so we're trying to get somewhere together. Unfortunately all the places she wants to live are nowhere close to where I want to be...but she's looking long-term and I'm looking short term so I'm just letting her decide. Since everything's been so difficult for me right now I'm most likely going to head back to my winter job come January.
Mental state...been better. The flashbacks are awful right now. Everything is awful right now. I'm barely hanging on. I've been turned down by multiple therapists which is getting horribly frustrating. Everyone who tells me they can get me help have quickly turned me down. I did hear back from a support group place who said they could also get me therapy but i'm afraid to call them because even calling would be admitting to a lot. But, at least they replied to my email which is more than I can say for most places. I met with a therapist through the school who seems pretty cool. I get 8 free sessions so that can at least get me going. It feels good to at least have someone working for me and hearing me. It will also be good for me because the session is free unless I don't show up and then it's a $20 fine. So i'll have some incentive to go. Also she's agreed to give me a session to talk through my immediate stuff before doing an intake session. That is HUGE for me because 1. my immediate stuff is really, really urgent, and 2. I HATE intake appts and after my last big experience it's hard to trust anyone through them asking me so much personal stuff early on.
I guess that's all for right now. I have some other writing and such i might share later but this seems to be all I can get out right now.
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