I've been trying to write a post for close to an hour now. There is so much on my mind but nothing that can seem to go on to "paper." It's not all bad. The good news is, I got my text book for one of my more interesting classes for the summer. I'm reading it and actually enjoying it. It's a nice distraction from the world. Yes, I'm a nerd that way.
The bad, the memories are everywhere. Memories seem to stick around until I figure out the right way to process them and move past them. Sometimes it's nearly impossible to know how to process them. The particular one right now isn't new, but I've never really "seen" it all the way through. I have written out parts of it and deleted it several times. As much as I had planned for this blog to be a place where I can say anything, since I am anonymous, I've realized I'm not quite ready for that. After all many people know different aspects of my anonymous self. It's scary to tell the world what it was really like.
So for now, I'll just say that it's sunny outside, and raining. A few minutes ago there was hail too. It seems mother nature is as confused as I am.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Hunger
I went hungry a lot growing up. Sometimes it was just due to lack of money (though I'm questioning this now, considering the incredible amount of money that I can now as an adult see that they spent on other things). Sometimes it was because I was in trouble and denied food. When I was older and homeless, I had to fight for what food I got to eat. Meals were never guaranteed. I had to do a lot just to get something to eat sometimes.
Today, being hungry is a giant trigger for me. If I feel hungry and don't have access to food, it can incite panic pretty quickly.
When I pack a lunch for work, I pack enough that I could get trapped in the mountains for days and not go hungry. Of course the likelihood of that actually happening is miniscule. But I carry the extra weight around with me as a comfort all day. In fact I generally eat until I'm full at lunch, eat more of my lunch as a snack on my way home from work, and still have plenty leftover to carry over to the following day's lunch.
A few weeks ago I went camping. It was a camping trip through my work and one of the perks of it was that it was totally catered. I arrived with a fairly large bag for just a weekend. There was very little clothes or anything else in the bag, but a lot of food. A lot of food that I didn't need, but I don't think I could've comfortably left my house without. Whenever I'm nervous to go anywhere, I start packing food until I feel better. This includes to places like an hour long meeting, an appointment somewhere, etc. I guess no matter what else happens, at least I know I won't go hungry. I keep snacks in my car, in my backpack, and in other strategic places. I don't often eat them, but if it's not there I tend to freak.
When I did my Outward Bound course we did a "solo" where we spent 3 days on our own. As the instructors were explaining the area we would be in and all of that they included, "and by the way, we'll be collecting your food in one area for this evening and will distribute it each morning." The reasoning for this was we had to hang the food in a tree to keep it away from bears and other animals. They decided it would be easier and safer to keep all of the food together. Makes sense but a total shock to me. Most ppl were freaked out about solo because of the time alone in the woods. I LOVED that part...got tons of journaling and relaxing done. However it terrified me, especially the first night, because my food was suddenly taken from me without warning. I panicked badly that night. Cried my eyes out in front of ppl before we even separated to our sites. I managed to direct a lot of my nervous energy in to what was determined to be the best "mailbox" in the group. We were required to mark a spot where we wanted the instructors to leave our food that they dropped off to us each morning. I made a square out of sticks and then traced with bright yellow leaves "Put Food Here," and a giant arrow. It got me through the night, but it wasn't pretty. To make matters worse, our food allowed for the three days consisted of a bagel, a couple of peices of cheese, and an apple. I feel like there was something else I'm forgetting, but it wasn't much at all. They did surprise us with corn bread on one of the days, but it was still extremely limited.
It was one of the roughest times I've had in my adult life. One of the most frustrating parts of it was that logically I KNOW I can make it without all the food I feel I need. However at this point I don't WANT to. They insisted that it was not meant to be a "survival" thing, just a simplicity thing, but it was fully uncomfortable. Part of outward bound is to teach not actual survival skills, but mental strength and survival mentality. It's meant to help ppl find their inner strength in a more simple life, and see that they can do more than they think they can. I really enjoyed the climbing, hiking, canoeing, and backpacking we did on that course. The hunger was awful. Even on the non-solo days, the amount of food just wasn't enough to ever feel full. I hate like a horse for nearly a month after I got back from my month-long course. No matter how much I ate I just never felt full.
The point is, yes I survived my course and can survive on much less food than I like to have. But to me it's just not worth it to try. It's a comfort thing. It makes me feel good to have that extra food around.
But this is not meant to be a critique on outward bound. Just a side to the food issues in my life.
One of the reasons I'm writing this now, is that today I forgot my lunch for work. I packed myself a beautiful lunch for the day and left it sitting on the kitchen counter. I asked my supervisor if I could run out and get something but unfortunately I was barely on time as it was and there weren't any stores in the area. The kids would be arriving soon and I needed to be there to supervise. We had some extra granola bars and things so I didn't go hungry, but it was horribly scary and stressful for me to go without my food. I think at this point food is just a comfort item that I just need to stick with and allow myself. No real reason to change.
I do get physically sick when I get hungry...sometimes even a little hungry. What I wonder now is, does the physical sickness come from the stress of being without food, or does the sickness come from some underlying physical thing which causes the stress level to increase?
Today, being hungry is a giant trigger for me. If I feel hungry and don't have access to food, it can incite panic pretty quickly.
When I pack a lunch for work, I pack enough that I could get trapped in the mountains for days and not go hungry. Of course the likelihood of that actually happening is miniscule. But I carry the extra weight around with me as a comfort all day. In fact I generally eat until I'm full at lunch, eat more of my lunch as a snack on my way home from work, and still have plenty leftover to carry over to the following day's lunch.
A few weeks ago I went camping. It was a camping trip through my work and one of the perks of it was that it was totally catered. I arrived with a fairly large bag for just a weekend. There was very little clothes or anything else in the bag, but a lot of food. A lot of food that I didn't need, but I don't think I could've comfortably left my house without. Whenever I'm nervous to go anywhere, I start packing food until I feel better. This includes to places like an hour long meeting, an appointment somewhere, etc. I guess no matter what else happens, at least I know I won't go hungry. I keep snacks in my car, in my backpack, and in other strategic places. I don't often eat them, but if it's not there I tend to freak.
When I did my Outward Bound course we did a "solo" where we spent 3 days on our own. As the instructors were explaining the area we would be in and all of that they included, "and by the way, we'll be collecting your food in one area for this evening and will distribute it each morning." The reasoning for this was we had to hang the food in a tree to keep it away from bears and other animals. They decided it would be easier and safer to keep all of the food together. Makes sense but a total shock to me. Most ppl were freaked out about solo because of the time alone in the woods. I LOVED that part...got tons of journaling and relaxing done. However it terrified me, especially the first night, because my food was suddenly taken from me without warning. I panicked badly that night. Cried my eyes out in front of ppl before we even separated to our sites. I managed to direct a lot of my nervous energy in to what was determined to be the best "mailbox" in the group. We were required to mark a spot where we wanted the instructors to leave our food that they dropped off to us each morning. I made a square out of sticks and then traced with bright yellow leaves "Put Food Here," and a giant arrow. It got me through the night, but it wasn't pretty. To make matters worse, our food allowed for the three days consisted of a bagel, a couple of peices of cheese, and an apple. I feel like there was something else I'm forgetting, but it wasn't much at all. They did surprise us with corn bread on one of the days, but it was still extremely limited.
It was one of the roughest times I've had in my adult life. One of the most frustrating parts of it was that logically I KNOW I can make it without all the food I feel I need. However at this point I don't WANT to. They insisted that it was not meant to be a "survival" thing, just a simplicity thing, but it was fully uncomfortable. Part of outward bound is to teach not actual survival skills, but mental strength and survival mentality. It's meant to help ppl find their inner strength in a more simple life, and see that they can do more than they think they can. I really enjoyed the climbing, hiking, canoeing, and backpacking we did on that course. The hunger was awful. Even on the non-solo days, the amount of food just wasn't enough to ever feel full. I hate like a horse for nearly a month after I got back from my month-long course. No matter how much I ate I just never felt full.
The point is, yes I survived my course and can survive on much less food than I like to have. But to me it's just not worth it to try. It's a comfort thing. It makes me feel good to have that extra food around.
But this is not meant to be a critique on outward bound. Just a side to the food issues in my life.
One of the reasons I'm writing this now, is that today I forgot my lunch for work. I packed myself a beautiful lunch for the day and left it sitting on the kitchen counter. I asked my supervisor if I could run out and get something but unfortunately I was barely on time as it was and there weren't any stores in the area. The kids would be arriving soon and I needed to be there to supervise. We had some extra granola bars and things so I didn't go hungry, but it was horribly scary and stressful for me to go without my food. I think at this point food is just a comfort item that I just need to stick with and allow myself. No real reason to change.
I do get physically sick when I get hungry...sometimes even a little hungry. What I wonder now is, does the physical sickness come from the stress of being without food, or does the sickness come from some underlying physical thing which causes the stress level to increase?
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Grrrrrrrrrrrr
So is it just me, or does it TOTALLY defeat the purpose of distance learning if every question I ask I am told that I will need to "come in to deal with that." One of the courses I am taking right now is through a school on the other side of the state from me. I was told that I could register for this class from any of a group of schools, so I chose the one that was most affordable and the school that offered most of the classes I need just to avoid the issue of credit transfer. (None of them are offered over the summer at the school I'm actually going to, but my school is networked to a bunch of others around the state.
It all sounded like a great plan, but it's been nothing but trouble. First, they insisted on having my immunization records even though I won't actually be on their campus. Fine. Now I'm registered but having major issues with logging in to actually get to the information for the class (which by the way was supposed to be mailed to me, not emailed, but I guess they missed that minor detail). Now everyone that I talk to to get to this online thing tells me that I just need to come in to the ________ office. I have told multiple people multiple times that I don't live anywhere near there. They don't seem to get it. I'm irritated. This was supposed to be a summer project, and the summer is more than a third of the way over (wow time flies!). Part of that is my fault in being a bit slow to get all my info in. But I start face to face school in late August, leaving me very little time to get these pre-reqs done. The whole idea was that I wanted school to be non-stressful over the summer, but it continues to stress me out and it's going to end up rushed.
The (sort of) good news is that I'll have next week off from work. I had planned to work but because of the holiday there are way fewer kids at camp than planned and they asked for volunteers to take the time off. Though I could use the money, I have enough other stuff going on that I think i'd feel bad taking the work away from others and then being stressed all week about my other life stuff going on.
It's only sort of good news because I'm not sure how I'm going to handle that much downtime. It's down time that seems to always get me in trouble.
I just left a very angry message on the voicemail of the admin office of the school i'm working through because it was 4:58, the message said they closed at 5 and to call back during normal business hours. Petty, yes? Not a way to make a good impression. I think I'm glad i'm not there face to face! :)
It all sounded like a great plan, but it's been nothing but trouble. First, they insisted on having my immunization records even though I won't actually be on their campus. Fine. Now I'm registered but having major issues with logging in to actually get to the information for the class (which by the way was supposed to be mailed to me, not emailed, but I guess they missed that minor detail). Now everyone that I talk to to get to this online thing tells me that I just need to come in to the ________ office. I have told multiple people multiple times that I don't live anywhere near there. They don't seem to get it. I'm irritated. This was supposed to be a summer project, and the summer is more than a third of the way over (wow time flies!). Part of that is my fault in being a bit slow to get all my info in. But I start face to face school in late August, leaving me very little time to get these pre-reqs done. The whole idea was that I wanted school to be non-stressful over the summer, but it continues to stress me out and it's going to end up rushed.
The (sort of) good news is that I'll have next week off from work. I had planned to work but because of the holiday there are way fewer kids at camp than planned and they asked for volunteers to take the time off. Though I could use the money, I have enough other stuff going on that I think i'd feel bad taking the work away from others and then being stressed all week about my other life stuff going on.
It's only sort of good news because I'm not sure how I'm going to handle that much downtime. It's down time that seems to always get me in trouble.
I just left a very angry message on the voicemail of the admin office of the school i'm working through because it was 4:58, the message said they closed at 5 and to call back during normal business hours. Petty, yes? Not a way to make a good impression. I think I'm glad i'm not there face to face! :)
Monday, June 27, 2011
It slipped
So yesterday evening I was walking out of the grocery store, having just bought my lunch makings for the week. Previously I had been at a friend's house helping her give her st. bernard a bath. (An interesting experience to say the least!) As a thank you, she'd then taken me out to dinner at a place with one of the most unbelievable burgers I'd ever eaten. It had all been very good. A whole evening of good. This is the same friend who had helped me the day before to get over my fear of thrift stores (worried about finding something from bio's house) and buy the perfect dresser for my new room. Even though she didn't quite get it, she'd been amazingly patient and helped me through it. More good.
As I walked away from the store I thought about how my room was filled with unpacking and organizing tasks to keep me busy; and about how right outside my bedroom window was the veggie garden just waiting for me to dig in it and plant more. I was thinking about how soon I will be able to finalize everything for school and finally start my correspondence courses (it's been sooooooo slow but that's another story). These things are all so good for me. Time at home with nothing to do is a source of a lot of misery for me. Distraction is good, but it's a matter of finding restful distractions (rather than something that will exhaust me further). Few things can keep my mind active but allow me to rest. Setting up my room, gardening, and yes even schoolwork (w/out the stress of deadlines) are some of those things. This is the life that I was aiming for when I moved here and was so picky about my housing needs. It took me a month to find it, but I did.
As I walked away from the store, something slipped which surprised even me. I looked out at the beautiful setting sun and I let out a happy sigh. I smiled. "I love my life." No, I'm not making that up. In that moment, there was peace.
There's probably a lot that can be said about my jumping back and forth between hating life and loving it and being unable to find a happy medium, but for now I'm going to revel in that moment of peace, when all was well.
(You all were expecting this to go a different direction, weren't you? :-P)
Things are still pretty good today. I slept well in my room last night and was triggered a bit at first but was able to talk myself through it and calm down. I didn't sleep all that well, but that was mainly because I accidentally put my fan on the wrong setting which resulted in my room being VERY hot. Lesson learned!
Work is going well too. The stresses of last week have been removed. For the first time I didn't feel absolutely exhausted afterwards, and was able to come home and actually be functional.
Life is good. :)
As I walked away from the store I thought about how my room was filled with unpacking and organizing tasks to keep me busy; and about how right outside my bedroom window was the veggie garden just waiting for me to dig in it and plant more. I was thinking about how soon I will be able to finalize everything for school and finally start my correspondence courses (it's been sooooooo slow but that's another story). These things are all so good for me. Time at home with nothing to do is a source of a lot of misery for me. Distraction is good, but it's a matter of finding restful distractions (rather than something that will exhaust me further). Few things can keep my mind active but allow me to rest. Setting up my room, gardening, and yes even schoolwork (w/out the stress of deadlines) are some of those things. This is the life that I was aiming for when I moved here and was so picky about my housing needs. It took me a month to find it, but I did.
As I walked away from the store, something slipped which surprised even me. I looked out at the beautiful setting sun and I let out a happy sigh. I smiled. "I love my life." No, I'm not making that up. In that moment, there was peace.
There's probably a lot that can be said about my jumping back and forth between hating life and loving it and being unable to find a happy medium, but for now I'm going to revel in that moment of peace, when all was well.
(You all were expecting this to go a different direction, weren't you? :-P)
Things are still pretty good today. I slept well in my room last night and was triggered a bit at first but was able to talk myself through it and calm down. I didn't sleep all that well, but that was mainly because I accidentally put my fan on the wrong setting which resulted in my room being VERY hot. Lesson learned!
Work is going well too. The stresses of last week have been removed. For the first time I didn't feel absolutely exhausted afterwards, and was able to come home and actually be functional.
Life is good. :)
Sunday, June 26, 2011
The big move
So I've been in transition since about mid May. Not good for somebody who really likes routine.
I packed up and left my winter house around 5/20 to come to where I am now for a week of job training. I had found a great house and roommate and had planned to move in in the few days before work started. Of course I didn't expect the call right before I left from new roommate saying that her landlord had decided to sell the house and she was moving in to an apartment. Ack!
Thankfully I was prepared and had two back-ups. Back-up #1, the guy had been smoking inside for months. It smelled AWFUL and made me sick being in there. He said he'd move it back to outside, but I was afraid the smell would never leave. Back-up #2 seemed great. I told the guy there that I liked it a lot but wanted a night to think about it bc I didn't want to make a decision while tired from travel. He said no problem but then called me the next morning to say that he'd found someone else he thought was a better fit. Doh! I found other options but they all had issues of some sort.
Ended up getting kicked out of the hotel I was staying in bc I didn't ask for additional nights early enough..was about out of money anyway...ended up living in my car...had a breakdown...ended up w/foster family. Stayed there for a bit but still felt in transition...never really moved in at all. Decided I needed to move somewhere more permanent and close to work. Found my current place which I really do like and it totally seemed meant to be...EXCEPT that the good room in that house wasn't open yet. I needed to move in soon bc I couldn't handle driving over an hour each way for work from my parents' house, so I moved in to the little room w/the small windows in the new, meant-to-be house.
Last week the roommate in the good room moved out (yay!). But then we needed to paint the room (it had been needed for a while but made sense to do when there was nothing in there. Then I had to wait for the paint to dry and stop smelling yucky. In the meantime I'd moved back out of my room bc it was right next to some plumbing issues and I was worried it was going to get wet in there (and it was starting to smell like plumbing backup...eeeeewwww!). So i was living in the living room...which was actually a choice beyond all the plumbing and paint and everything else because with all the crap i've been going through being on the couch instead of in my room in bed was the only way I could sleep. Being in a bed, in a bedroom was just too triggering for me with all the stuff in my head.
Soooooooooo...the point to all of this is, I FINALLY have a room! My own room that I'm moving in to. Yaaaaaaaaaay!! I actually could've moved in yesterday (or even the day before), but I've been putting off moving the bed out of the other room bc I wasn't sure if I was ready to commit to being in there and giving up my excuse to be on the couch (don't tell my roommate!). I finally made the committment to do it today though, and we moved the bed this morning. I went out shopping w/a friend and bought a new dresser, and will soon be getting my bookshelf out of storage. Most of my stuff is moved in there now, and just waiting to be organized. I'm feeling pretty good about it. I'm excited to have my own space again that I can move into and set up how I want. I'm a little worried about sleeping in there, but I've been spending lots of time in there today while it's light out so I can get used to it before it's dark. Usually this isn't such a big deal to me, but it's in the midst of all the new memories coming back this time. (I have had times of needing to sleep on the couch in the past though...when I was younger I used to sleep under the bed!) Anyway, I mostly have a good feeling about it now, though I feel like I need a ceremony or something to dub it a safe, "bad people free" room. Still working on that. So far it's consisted of sort of sitting in it and "memorizing" it and remembering that it's mine and very very far from the old house. Here's hoping!
I packed up and left my winter house around 5/20 to come to where I am now for a week of job training. I had found a great house and roommate and had planned to move in in the few days before work started. Of course I didn't expect the call right before I left from new roommate saying that her landlord had decided to sell the house and she was moving in to an apartment. Ack!
Thankfully I was prepared and had two back-ups. Back-up #1, the guy had been smoking inside for months. It smelled AWFUL and made me sick being in there. He said he'd move it back to outside, but I was afraid the smell would never leave. Back-up #2 seemed great. I told the guy there that I liked it a lot but wanted a night to think about it bc I didn't want to make a decision while tired from travel. He said no problem but then called me the next morning to say that he'd found someone else he thought was a better fit. Doh! I found other options but they all had issues of some sort.
Ended up getting kicked out of the hotel I was staying in bc I didn't ask for additional nights early enough..was about out of money anyway...ended up living in my car...had a breakdown...ended up w/foster family. Stayed there for a bit but still felt in transition...never really moved in at all. Decided I needed to move somewhere more permanent and close to work. Found my current place which I really do like and it totally seemed meant to be...EXCEPT that the good room in that house wasn't open yet. I needed to move in soon bc I couldn't handle driving over an hour each way for work from my parents' house, so I moved in to the little room w/the small windows in the new, meant-to-be house.
Last week the roommate in the good room moved out (yay!). But then we needed to paint the room (it had been needed for a while but made sense to do when there was nothing in there. Then I had to wait for the paint to dry and stop smelling yucky. In the meantime I'd moved back out of my room bc it was right next to some plumbing issues and I was worried it was going to get wet in there (and it was starting to smell like plumbing backup...eeeeewwww!). So i was living in the living room...which was actually a choice beyond all the plumbing and paint and everything else because with all the crap i've been going through being on the couch instead of in my room in bed was the only way I could sleep. Being in a bed, in a bedroom was just too triggering for me with all the stuff in my head.
Soooooooooo...the point to all of this is, I FINALLY have a room! My own room that I'm moving in to. Yaaaaaaaaaay!! I actually could've moved in yesterday (or even the day before), but I've been putting off moving the bed out of the other room bc I wasn't sure if I was ready to commit to being in there and giving up my excuse to be on the couch (don't tell my roommate!). I finally made the committment to do it today though, and we moved the bed this morning. I went out shopping w/a friend and bought a new dresser, and will soon be getting my bookshelf out of storage. Most of my stuff is moved in there now, and just waiting to be organized. I'm feeling pretty good about it. I'm excited to have my own space again that I can move into and set up how I want. I'm a little worried about sleeping in there, but I've been spending lots of time in there today while it's light out so I can get used to it before it's dark. Usually this isn't such a big deal to me, but it's in the midst of all the new memories coming back this time. (I have had times of needing to sleep on the couch in the past though...when I was younger I used to sleep under the bed!) Anyway, I mostly have a good feeling about it now, though I feel like I need a ceremony or something to dub it a safe, "bad people free" room. Still working on that. So far it's consisted of sort of sitting in it and "memorizing" it and remembering that it's mine and very very far from the old house. Here's hoping!
Poetry Time!
We know a darkness,
buried deep below.
Our own underworld,
oft cut from light and air.
Many speak of dark,
and think that they have seen,
but to us down below,
their dark is a blinding beam.
We who know the darkness,
We see a different world.
We may never find your normal,
freed from daily fear.
We've felt the all-consuming pain
and we have prayed for death.
We've screamed the screams that no one hears
and fought to take a breath.
We know what it's like,
to truly have to fight.
We've witnessed the pure evil,
That we hope most never know.
We have fought a war,
And we've come out alive.
Our work is never over,
but we have found our light.
We know the value,
of real, honest, Good.
And we won't take for granted
Each peaceful breath we breathe.
And when we sink back to the black
and our light starts to srhink,
We reach, we grab, we hold on tight.
Search deep for long-lost hope.
We have seen the darkness.
It's a constant war we fight.
buried deep below.
Our own underworld,
oft cut from light and air.
Many speak of dark,
and think that they have seen,
but to us down below,
their dark is a blinding beam.
We who know the darkness,
We see a different world.
We may never find your normal,
freed from daily fear.
We've felt the all-consuming pain
and we have prayed for death.
We've screamed the screams that no one hears
and fought to take a breath.
We know what it's like,
to truly have to fight.
We've witnessed the pure evil,
That we hope most never know.
We have fought a war,
And we've come out alive.
Our work is never over,
but we have found our light.
We know the value,
of real, honest, Good.
And we won't take for granted
Each peaceful breath we breathe.
And when we sink back to the black
and our light starts to srhink,
We reach, we grab, we hold on tight.
Search deep for long-lost hope.
We have seen the darkness.
It's a constant war we fight.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
I sure know how to pick 'em!
The dr. thing didn't go well. I went to a walk-in clinic and the guy was a total ass. I told him what was going on with my legs and he said "well I'm not sure what you want me to do about it." Ummmm maybe tell me what I should do about it? If I need to worry? Maybe show a little compassion?
Maybe to him it's "just a cramp." I've never seen or heard of a cramp being so bad I can't walk for hours...so bad that it brings me to tears (I have a high pain tolerance...it takes a lot to do that...), or a cramp that still hurts more than a week out. In fact, when I talked to my softball team on wednesday, they were all shocked that I hadn't gone to the dr. after seeing the amount of pain I had been in the game before. (Softball is where it had originally happened...running to first and suddenly my legs cramped and gave out. Everyone on both teams was pretty freaked out about it).
This dr. asks, "You drink a lot of water?" How's that for generic?
I answer, "Um, yes?" I probably don't drink enough for the amount of time I'm out in the heat....I can't seem to stay hydrated...I know that's part of the problem.
He asks, "You sweat a lot?" Love these "a lot" questions...isn't the idea of these kind of things to get specific info?
"Um...yes." (Don't we all when it's 90+ degrees out?)
"Maybe you should drink some gatorade."
That was the extent of his diagnosis. I told him I can't stand drinking gatorade because I can't deal with the sugary syrupy-ness when I'm out in the heat. I've always been of the belief that sugary drinks when you're outside sweating and working hard is a bad thing. I ran out of water at a soccer game a while back and only had gatorade to drink...while it was better than nothing, I still felt sick in a matter of minutes. But any of this that I said to the dr. he completely blew off. I know there's stuff out there that can help with this but isn't so sugary. I'm looking in to that, just shocked at how unhelpful the dr. was.
I had hoped that I could ask this dr. about anxiety meds, and have him help me get set up with a primary. I guess I got lucky where I lived before...I found my primary that I loved through a place that did walk-ins and regular appointments. Everything was same or next day scheduling, so I didn't have to deal with an appt. looming over my head for a long time. It looks like finding someone here is going to take a lot more work. How I wish I could make my dr. from the winter move with me!
I'm off to get a massage now. I'm hoping that will take some of the pain away. I'm also hoping this person can be more helpful than the dr. or the therapy ppl. They didn't give me much of a choice of who to see, so I couldn't ask if the person is familiar w/trauma stuff. At least I know she's female, so that will help a bit.
More later!
**************
Update: I spoke/worried too soon. The massage lady was AMAZING! She beat the crap outta me, but in a good way. She was able to loosen up my muscles enough that a lot of my pain went away. I feel SO much better! The place I went to does a cheaper introductory massage and then the prices go way up after the first. The good news is that this woman told me that she also does massages out of her house and stays at the intro price. So, if I could work out the timing I could keep seeing her and have it be affordable. My plan for now is to dedicate my planned therapy budget to massages and go every couple of weeks. Since I've been dealing with TONS of body memories since my new memories came about a month ago, as well as tons of stress and also doing a lot of physical stuff, I've been left with a lot of lasting physical pain. My hope is that if I can get some of the physical pain worked out, it could help my overall stress level to lessen. Not a permanent solution, but hopefully it can help me to not be at this super-stressed level all the time and be able to enjoy things more than minute by minute.
Maybe to him it's "just a cramp." I've never seen or heard of a cramp being so bad I can't walk for hours...so bad that it brings me to tears (I have a high pain tolerance...it takes a lot to do that...), or a cramp that still hurts more than a week out. In fact, when I talked to my softball team on wednesday, they were all shocked that I hadn't gone to the dr. after seeing the amount of pain I had been in the game before. (Softball is where it had originally happened...running to first and suddenly my legs cramped and gave out. Everyone on both teams was pretty freaked out about it).
This dr. asks, "You drink a lot of water?" How's that for generic?
I answer, "Um, yes?" I probably don't drink enough for the amount of time I'm out in the heat....I can't seem to stay hydrated...I know that's part of the problem.
He asks, "You sweat a lot?" Love these "a lot" questions...isn't the idea of these kind of things to get specific info?
"Um...yes." (Don't we all when it's 90+ degrees out?)
"Maybe you should drink some gatorade."
That was the extent of his diagnosis. I told him I can't stand drinking gatorade because I can't deal with the sugary syrupy-ness when I'm out in the heat. I've always been of the belief that sugary drinks when you're outside sweating and working hard is a bad thing. I ran out of water at a soccer game a while back and only had gatorade to drink...while it was better than nothing, I still felt sick in a matter of minutes. But any of this that I said to the dr. he completely blew off. I know there's stuff out there that can help with this but isn't so sugary. I'm looking in to that, just shocked at how unhelpful the dr. was.
I had hoped that I could ask this dr. about anxiety meds, and have him help me get set up with a primary. I guess I got lucky where I lived before...I found my primary that I loved through a place that did walk-ins and regular appointments. Everything was same or next day scheduling, so I didn't have to deal with an appt. looming over my head for a long time. It looks like finding someone here is going to take a lot more work. How I wish I could make my dr. from the winter move with me!
I'm off to get a massage now. I'm hoping that will take some of the pain away. I'm also hoping this person can be more helpful than the dr. or the therapy ppl. They didn't give me much of a choice of who to see, so I couldn't ask if the person is familiar w/trauma stuff. At least I know she's female, so that will help a bit.
More later!
**************
Update: I spoke/worried too soon. The massage lady was AMAZING! She beat the crap outta me, but in a good way. She was able to loosen up my muscles enough that a lot of my pain went away. I feel SO much better! The place I went to does a cheaper introductory massage and then the prices go way up after the first. The good news is that this woman told me that she also does massages out of her house and stays at the intro price. So, if I could work out the timing I could keep seeing her and have it be affordable. My plan for now is to dedicate my planned therapy budget to massages and go every couple of weeks. Since I've been dealing with TONS of body memories since my new memories came about a month ago, as well as tons of stress and also doing a lot of physical stuff, I've been left with a lot of lasting physical pain. My hope is that if I can get some of the physical pain worked out, it could help my overall stress level to lessen. Not a permanent solution, but hopefully it can help me to not be at this super-stressed level all the time and be able to enjoy things more than minute by minute.
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