Monday, December 5, 2011

Up and down (and round and round?)

Tonight was a rough one. I don't want to go in to that, but the short version is that a friend's very innocent question sent me into a spiral of scary thoughts. It's like once one of the emotions gets going (generally either fear or anger) it starts bringing up more issues and more thoughts and before I know it I feel like I'm trapped in a whirlwind and all I can think about is how to make them stop. What really struck me tonight is just how quickly the change happened. I was feeling pretty calm...had just finished some journaling and then was chatting with a friend. Essentially within minutes all my focus had gone to thoughts of self harm.

The good news is, I was aware of what was happening and was able to stop myself. Well, I couldn't stop myself but I was able to hold off the immediacy of it. I knew I needed to interrupt the thoughts so I tried to say the serenity prayer. I tried and tried but couldn't keep focused long enough to get through it. I thought about turning it over to a higher power, which has been something discussed in many meetings and sometimes in iop. I couldn't get through the serenity prayer so I just said, "god. i'm here. guide me please." I closed my eyes and put all the energy I could into picturing my spirit being held and cared for in the safe light (can't exactly explain the way I see this, but it works for me).

Slowly my breath came back to me and when I opened my eyes the damage from my last SI episode just happened to be right there in front of me. I spent some time looking at the cuts, and rubbing over them with my hand. It's been a month since I did that and it's still so so vivid. For now I think that's a good thing...because it was a visual reminder of why I didn't want to give in to that urge.

So...lots of highs and lows today. I wouldn't exactly say right now is a high, but I'm content. I was teetering on the edge but I found my way back. Every time I can do that it builds my confidence a bit more...both in myself and in the process I've immersed myself in.


I also want to share something that came up in my journal today that was really amazing to me. A few people were talking in iop today about how while they were drunk or on drugs they became a selfish person who only cared about themselves and their next fix, and how they hated that person. As they were saying this, I was thinking that while I get what they're saying, I've said multiple times that one of the things I need to learn is how to be selfish. I don't want to be a jerk or anything, but I need to learn how to take care of my own needs because I've never really done that before. So how can we be talking about selfishness being such a bad thing, but also such a necessary thing?

What came up in my journaling is that there are two kinds of selfish...thinking only of self and thinking first of self.

The thinking only of self is the person who blocks out the world, pushes everyone else down to get ahead, is mean, and doesn't care about anyone else.

The thinking first of self is how they tell you in first aid classes to make sure the scene is safe before you approach so that you don't become another victim, or put your own oxygen mask on before assisting others in the airplane emergency procedures. This kind of selfishness is necessary for ensuring our own health and protecting the soul. I realized that I need to find a way to view myself as worthwhile and make myself my priority....or at the very least see myself as not below others in the world. I know I want to do for others in need, but if I can fill myself first i'll have so much more to give. My future abilities to be there for others will be magnified and multiplied. Since I can't do it just for myself right now, that thought helps me to have a focus on why I need to care for me. It's still a struggle for me to know when my "me time" is only of self or first of self, but i'm learning to find positive ways to care for me and make them a priority. Anyway just thought it was interesting and maybe it'll be meaningful to someone else too. I love when my writing brings up stuff I didn't know I knew! :)

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Tonight i'm grateful that with all the troubles i've had, that none of them now are legal issues. One of the ppl in iop that I feel the closest to has a big court date coming up on wednesday so we had a little good luck "ceremony" for her. As people got to talking it seemed like almost everyone that was there today (granted it was a smaller than normal group due to crazy weather) had been to jail for addiction related issues. M, who has her court date this week, has a DUI. While I obviously don't condone drinking and driving, M is just an amazing, kind woman in so many ways. She's not the troublemaker type at all. She painted me a beautiful picture as a housewarming present when I moved in to my apartment...she's regularly brought really thoughtful gifts for people "just because." She's also a survivor and has just been an amazing source of support for me in starting to come to terms with what I'm facing. She's also been working incredibly hard on her program...she's never missed a day of iop and she's always on time/early, tons of AA meetings, etc. Unfortunately, because she had a DUI something like 18 years ago, and another 20-something years ago, she's facing potentially major punishment. Anyway, clearly she's had some issues but it just seems sad to me because she's such a beautiful person. She's accepted her fate and is mostly just looking forward to wednesday to because she's tired of being in limbo and not knowing what's going to happen. I'm grateful that while I know I've done a lot of bad things and have hurt a lot of people, I'm not facing jail time for them. If you don't mind saying a prayer for M I'd really appreciate it. I had a chance to give her a card and a hug today at iop...and now i'm praying for peace for her because I can't imagine how stressful these last few days are for her with no idea of what is to come. (Also I have to admit some of this is selfish...I feel so connected to her....the first person i've really connected to like this face to face...i'm scared of not having her in iop anymore. I don't want her to go to jail cus I need her. :( Yeah...not sure what kind of selfish that falls in to...lol)

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