Don't know where to stick it

My anger that is...

Here's the thing. I'm angry right now. That much I know. I'm pissed about the stuff goin on with my apartment. I'm frustrated by all the crap that seems to be gettin thrown at me no matter how hard I try to do the right thing. (Yes I realize that doing the right thing doesn't guarantee everything being sunshine and sparkles, but still). More than anything I'm frustrated by how much sobriety is kicking my ass right now. I can't stop thinking about drinking. I have to chant all the way to work..."Go to work...go to work.." to remind myself to keep driving and not go to the liquor store. Logically I know all the stuff about what will happen if I do drink and how it won't do what I want it to, but it's like there's this other force there trying to steer my car that direction. It's a constant battle and I have to always be watching myself. If I'm not fully distracted in work or something like that I have to make sure I'm with someone safe, at a meeting, or otherwise engaged because I'm really not safe to "just hang out." The drinking is just too tempting right now.

The cravings/obsession happened to some extent when I quit before, but I don't remember it being this strong. Regardless, it's just pissing me off because I did all this less than 2 months ago. I was past this and now here I am again and it fucking sucks. Of course it's a result of my own bad decision to drink but that doesn't take away the fact that it hurts and I hate it. This is an absolutely exhausting way to live, because allowing myself to relax could mean danger. And yes, it is that serious. And no, I'm not exaggerating.

So I have all this anger and no idea what to do with it. I'm angry at the world for throwin all this shit at me, and angry at myself for not handling it better. I'm angry at the whole damn situation. I used to think I knew how to deal with anger but really I was just avoiding it and shoving it deeper within. That route ends with me turning the anger inward and hurting myself, either literally or figuratively. When I try to express it in a good way that brings up scary past thoughts, so it's really a no-win situation.

I went to IOP today, and then in the afternoon had an individual session with Stupidface. I told Stupidface how angry I am and how frustrated I am with everything going on. He helped me gett to a point that I could get some of the emotion out and helped me center in on some of the stuff that was really pissing me off. I actually got surprised at the spot where I suddenly started sobbing and couldn't keep talking, but that's another story for another day. The point for now is that when I got there, I was eventually able to get past the tears and get out why it pissed me off so much. It felt good. At the end of the session I felt that good kind of tired...relieved and able to breathe again.

But by the time I got home the good, relieved kind of tired had turned in to a new sort of pain. The crazy flashbacks have started up in a way they haven't in quite a while. I don't know why. Maybe because I used to be punished for speaking out...or because I was taught that everything wrong or painful in the world must be somehow my fault. Or maybe it scares me to have released so much anger, and the fear brings up the memories. I really don't know, but the flashbacks are really really bad right now. Oh, and of course the flashbacks bring up the very very strong desire to drink. Even though I learned from this recent episode that drinking no longer lets me go numb or quiets my mind, the memories just make me feel desperate for anything that will shut off my mind for a while. Hell I might even go with smackin myself over the head with the bottle just to make it stop for a bit! The other problem is that even though I JUST went through this crappy relapse, my brain still tells me "well maybe this time will be better. Maybe last time was just a fluke and this time it will be much more helpful in quieting the bad thoughts." It's the stupidest fucking thing ever. It's like a person standing in front of a hot stove, touching it and saying ow, and then doing it again and again and again. I don't seem to know how to not touch the stove.

The nice thing in all of this is that Stupidface told me he's proud of me. He wasn't upset with me at all. We both agreed that it was the perfect storm...everything going wrong at the same time...me making a series of mistakes/bad decisions (forgetting an antabuse dose, not eating well because I was stressed about my apartment and money situation, isolating and allowing my "fuck it" attitude to take over, etc.)...combined with the horrible timing of starting a new job and having to take a break from all of my therapy support right at the exact moment this all was going on. We agreed it was an unfortunate decision, but he said repeatedly that I didn't fail, and that he was very proud of me for reaching out for help on friday night. He said that that shows lots of progress and that not long ago this relapse would've led me down a much longer, much darker road. He was nervous after our conversation on friday about whether or not i'd make it today, so he was relieved to see me. I can recognize that I made positive decisions that show progress over the past, but I haven't yet reached a point of being able to feel proud of myself. It's very hard for me to see past the "I screwed up" part. I told Stupidface this and he said that we would be proud for the both of us. I will say that it was very, very relieving to hear him say that. J, my stupid former T prob. would've started talkin about sending me to inpatient again because he seems convinced that every wrong move I make shows I can't cope while living on my own. Stupidface hasn't been like that, but I was still a little concerned because obviously in a substance abuse program it looks bad.

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I'm grateful for getting to see IOP ppl and my art group and Stupidface today. It was a bit weird to be there since it's been a little while, but it was nice. I've come to get a lot of comfort from this place (which always gives me a chuckle cus I was sooooo against going at the start!).