What I got to do

People in AA say often that helping someone else is the best thing you can do to help yourself and get out of your own head and your own issues. To me that's always sounded rather obnoxious, trite, and cliche-like. When I would need someone's help they would always tell me that I was helping them by being there and letting them help me. I thought they were saying it to make me feel better or something like that. Tonight I learned different.

I had a rough day today. Some difficult stuff has started to come up in therapy. After talking to my t yesterday afternoon I've just been in a weird spot. I've been uncomfortable with what I said, dealing with resurfacing fears from the past about what would happen if I told, and just so overwhelmed with all the stuff i'm realizing i'm going to have to face substance- (and other types of numbing) free. For my sponsor I've been writing about my drinking history, which is starting to feel like making a list of all the awful shit I've done. That's been weighting on me as well. I had big plans today of stuff to accomplish but instead ended up hiding under blankets all day in my pajamas. I just couldn't face the world. I had that horrible feeling inside and I just couldn't deal. I was frustrated with myself because of all the things i'd really wanted to accomplish, but couldn't turn it in to action.

This evening I got a call from an IOP friend I've gotten close to. We'll call her Becky. Becky didn't sound good when she called. She said she was ok but that she was thinking about drinking. I asked if she wanted to go get coffee, and we met at a coffee shop. She asked multiple times if I was sure it wasn't an inconvenience. I was excited to have a reason to get out of the house and have some human contact, and it just felt like what I was supposed to do. It meant a lot to me that she'd asked me for help, and that she'd called before she, as she put it, "cracked."

When I saw her at the coffee shop she didn't look good. She looked shaky and like she'd been crying. I've never been all that good at listening to ppl having a hard time and knowing what to say, so I was a bit nervous. But we sat down and started talking about random stuff and almost instantly we both were laughing. We talked about hard stuff and fun stuff and didn't stop for almost 2 hours. She told me that she'd been inspired by stuff i'd said in group and that's why she called me. It turns out we have a lot more in common than either of us realized. She said really nice stuff to me about how she's really glad she's met me and how amazing I am and together I seem to be (ha if she only knew!). At the end before we parted ways she got teary again. She started talking about how bad things got when she was drinking...blackouts and it stealing every part of her life away. She had some intense stories to tell, and said that that was why she called me: because she was so terrified she was going to end up back there again.

The whole situation was just amazing to me. She came to me because she felt connected to me and inspired by something that little ole me had said. For someone that feels worthless more often than not, and was feeling especially puny and worthless today, that's huge! The fact that I was able to be there for her, and really do something tangible to help her makes me feel like there's a purpose to my existence. There was a reason I was there tonight, and who knows what would've happened without me. Who knows if she would've had someone to reach out had she not met me and had I not been willing to open myself up and be honest with some of my pain during IOP. Not only that, but I'd actually done something right. Even though I was afraid about whether or not I could say the right thing, I think it ended up being meaningful to us both.

Afterwards I stopped to get food on my way home. There happened to be a liquor store right next to where I stopped, but for the first time in quite a while I had no desire to stop. I saw what alcohol was doing to Becky, and I felt like I had worth as a sober person. My cravings, for that moment, were actually gone.

Just yesterday I was telling my t about how I couldn't remember the last time I had felt good from the inside. When I'm distracted by fun or good stuff in my life I can feel good, but I haven't been able to find that good that starts from the inside. The outside good is nice, but it goes away as soon as whatever is happening is over and I'm back on my own. The inside good isn't attached to any activity and can be carried beyond. I was wondering if I'd ever feel that kind of good again. Tonight I felt it. I've been back home on my own for almost 2 hours now and I still feel good. My heart is warmed. I have worth. I did something meaningful.

I'm grateful for you Becky. You helped me more than I ever thought anyone could. I feel good tonight because of you. Thank you for honoring me by asking me for help. And thank you god/goddess/HP for giving me this opportunity when I needed it!

(And now the new question...does this make me totally selfish to be celebrating how good this makes me feel? lol I do think this will help me be able to ask for help a little better when I need it).