No wait, I take that back...it's already gotten interesting.
My life has calmed down A LOT lately, but there's still some major craziness going on. I get the feeling that school is going to be intense this semester. Not just because I'm taking more classes this time, but because some of the classes will pose some big challenges. There is one especially in which the prof. said today (first meeting of the class) that the counseling center on campus is available and free and that she highly recommends people check it out. She said that this class tends to really stir stuff up for people, and that if you're not currently seeing a counselor you should probably start. Yikes! She did say that part of that was for the experience of being on "the other side of the couch" as she put it, but this is also going to go in to some major life issues, trauma, etc. I'm also guessing she said that because it's the kind of class and field that tends to attract a lot of people who have been there, done that, and now want to come back to help others.
It's a very interesting group of people in the class. This is an introductory class in human services so it can lead down a lot of different roads. Some people were more open than others during introductions, and some shared a lot. There are a few recovering addicts/alcoholics that are taking the class to become substance abuse counselors. One woman was working towards a domestic violence concentration bc she is a survivor of DV and is living in this city and state because she had to flee for her life. Multiple women are foster moms or former foster moms (some of troubled teens...I have to wonder if they know any of my foster parents!). One girl talked about wanting to work with at risk youth because she grew up in a series of different shelters. I could go on and on with this list. I kept my stuff to myself...I'm not that brave! We did do another game type thing later where we introduced ourselves to just one other person at a time. We were supposed to find at least 3 similarities and 3 differences between us. I got to talking with one girl and it turned out we had a lot in common. I mentioned to her about my crazy history and it turns out we share that too. Later when she took her sweatshirt off I noticed SI scars on her arm. Even more in common... Again, it's gonna be interesting!
I'm not sure what to make of this kind of class. On the one hand I find it awesome. I've been a bit frustrated with the classes I'm taking for my degree, because while I still believe the degree is right, the classes aren't quite getting to the meat of what I want to do. This class is for my newly added minor, which will allow me to focus in specifically on kids with behavior issues and kids who have been abused. So, this seems to be a very good sign that I'm headed in the right direction because of the intense focus of the class. No beating around the bush here. I am well aware that in order to work with kids who have been abused I'm going to need to take classes that talk about things like child abuse and resulting issues. I know it's going to be hard, but it's worth it to me because it's what I want to do.
The flip side of this is that I have to take care of myself. I don't want to put myself in a situation that's going to be too much for me. It's a question I'm going through with AA too. On the one hand, I'm finally starting to feel good and I want to jump in and keep going. My sponsor says it's great how I'm diving in and doing the work. However she and others are also telling me to take it slow and take it easy, and I know they're right. There's only so much you can do in a day or all at once. I can't wear myself out trying to be everything to everyone right now. I have to build my sober, healthy self up slowly. The last thing I want to do is put myself under too much stress or stretch myself too thin and end up back to drinking or needing the hospital.
I had a very intense drinking dream last night. I'm wondering if that's a sign of anything. The last drinking dream I had was that I was being chased by alcohol and trying so hard not to let it get me. This time I just went out and drank and then found myself sitting there drink in hand wondering "wtf? how did I end up here? Why did I agree to this so quickly? I didn't even give it a second thought!" It scared me because it was SO easy to take the drink in the dream. It was kind of funny though because I didn't realize I'd had the dream 'til later in the day. I was sitting in class thinking about what a bummer it was that I drank last night. Then I realized it was a dream, and woohoo I didn't! lol
Things are mostly going ok in regards to recovery. The little sabotaging monkey on my back is doing his very best to thwart me. I've been getting all sorts of thoughts like "This juice sure would taste better with some vodka in it!" Or I start to think "Why not just stop at that liquor store?" though it's totally different from the physical craving/obsession that I was having before. I brought it up at IOP yesterday and we talked about having a fear of success. Basically, I'm not used to doing well and I have no idea how to handle it. Feeling crappy is where I'm comfortable. Also, I'm terrified of success because I feel like the longer I enjoy it the worse the fall will hurt. That's where the little sabotaging monkey comes in because, "It'll be much easier if I pull myself out now. At least then I'm in control of it. At least then they can't hurt me."
Stupidface described me as someone that "has a lot of great starts." I absolutely love this wording and it's so true. I'm great at venturing out into the world. I've travelled all over and taken tons of crazy, fun jobs that most people wouldn't consider. Many people are impressed when I start to list them. Every time I get to a new place I'm at the top of my game...social, meeting people, having fun. After I've been there a while I always transition back to somber, quiet, isolated, alone. Lately it's gotten bad enough that I'm so ready for the alone part that I gloss over most of the social/happy part. So now this extended time of working on being happy and working on having real relationships that require my trust is really really scary. Most of my relationships these days are superficial. It's not that I don't care about people...my smiles when I talk to ppl are genuine..but I don't let them get close enough to me that I would feel hurt if they quit talking to me. I keep that separation there so I keep my power. But now I've started actually trusting and talking to ppl through AA and it's terrifying. When I think too much about it the sabotaging monkey gets bigger, louder, and stronger.
So that gets back to the slow it down and keep it simple. What I love about AA is that all I really have to do is keep breathing and don't drink. It used to piss me off when ppl said that because I felt so worthless and thought I needed to do more to have worth. Now though, in the midst of the craziness, I know I'm doing at least something right. I love that I can break it down to its simplest form and always have some action to keep me going in the right direction.
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I'm struggling to find any one thing that I'm grateful for today, as everything just feels like a mismash of good and bad and everything in between. I will say that I'm thankful for the progress that I've made and this ability to care about myself and the world around me. I've been talking to a friend that's been having a rough time, and she's reminded me of so many of the awful feelings I was struggling with not that long ago. It's also a reminder to me that I could always end up right back there if I stop trying to fight (not to say AT ALL that this friend isn't fighting...just that it gives me more motivation to keep working on what i need to do). While I'm at it, if you could say a prayer for said friend it would be a lot to me. She's a very strong person and has been a huge positive influence in my life whenever i've needed her. I care about her a lot. Thanks!
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