So I realized that I've been forgetting for quite a while now to end my posts with what I'm grateful for. It's definitely not from lack of gratitude. I've never been more grateful in my life. But to make up for my forgetfulness, I thought I'd add it in here.
So much of it is hard to even put into words, but I know ppl who read regularly can see how wonderful things have turned for me. I'm so grateful to have feelings again, and especially to have the chance to experience this amazing internal happiness. I never thought I was a person that could experience happiness. I never even knew what happiness was. I had learned a bit about having a good time, and I thought that was the best I could hope for. But this lasting happiness thing is beyond incredible.
I'm grateful for real, honest, fun that I can remember the next day, I'm not ashamed of, and I'm not sick from.
I'm grateful that I can see the bigger picture now. I don't see each thing that goes wrong as a potentially earth-shattering tragedy. I don't race to block out emotions before they begin. I know that good or bad, events are part of a greater whole. I don't have to be terrified of every moment because I can see beyond and see that good will come back again.
I'm so so grateful that my fear is gone. Well not gone, but not as paralyzing as it used to be. It's amazing. I never realized how much fear I carried around with me all the freakin time until it lifted. I can breathe better, my shoulders hurt less, etc. I'm becoming less afraid of social situations and more confident because I'm realizing I am a person of worth. I have just as much right to be alive and be happy as anyone else does.
I'm grateful for my sponsor. She told me the other day that she'd heard someone say that "if your sponsor's not on your resentment list she's not doing her job." The idea is that a sponsor is supposed to challenge you and frustrate you because she makes you face what you don't want to face and mine absolutely does that. But I don't resent her for it because I can see how much she cares about me. She cares enough to listen to my problems, big or small. She's patient when I tell her about things that happened to me. She doesn't judge or shame, but also doesn't let me keep playing the victim. That's been one of the hardest things for me to swallow in all this. As part of writing out resentments you have to write your part in them. She agreed with me that I had no fault with the ppl who hurt me as a child, but said that my part in it is that I continue to carry it with me every day....basically, that I was going through life with an attitude of, "How can you expect that of me? How can you expect me to (show up on time, follow rules, make it to classes, get homework done, etc.) when I was (abused as a child, have no family, lived homeless, went hungry, etc.)?" I wouldn't say it out loud, but I used it as my excuse for everything. I have so much respect for my sponsor because she loved me enough to tell me that. It's so amazing that I found this woman basically by accident (or more likely through a higher power "accident"), but she is so perfect for me. I know I wouldn't be anywhere close to where I am now without her.
I'm grateful for AA. As much as I used to hate meetings, I now often go twice/day. Of course that's going to change once I'm working, but it's just so cool to have so many ppl who support me and want to hear from me. I've never had that experience of walking in to a room and being welcomed and having ppl excited to see me. But now I have it every day.
I'm grateful for everyone that's been a part of my path that's gotten me to here. Today I am so, so blessed. I never thought that would be something I would say but it's true. Sure my life has a lot of things that could be better, but I have this amazing feeling of peace and joy inside my heart. I think if a lot of ppl knew my past story they might think it weird that I feel so blessed by my life now. The old me would've thought it weird too. But i'm finally beginning to separate from my past and have a real life for the first time. And there just aren't words for how grateful I am for that. It doesn't mean that all the past shit is gone, and it takes hard work every day to be able to continue to experience this good, but the good is there. And now because of how I grew up, I am able to appreciate the good a lot more than most. Many might say that they are grateful for food to eat, but that gratitude goes deeper when you've been hungry. Same with a warm place to sleep after you've been homeless. I used to be so resentful of ppl who didn't appreciate what they had...or ppl who had the things I wanted but couldn't get. But now I'm just so grateful for this new life that I've been given. I'm grateful to be safe, healthy, and have ppl who care about me.
I better stop there, I'm about to get all teary-eyed again!
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