But by choice this time! Scared ya there didn't I? lol Ok hopefully nobody believes I need to be in the hospital at this point. But anyway...
The AA club where I go to most of my meetings does a meeting every tuesday night at the hospital where I was inpatient. This is kinda crazy because I didn't live anywhere close to it when I was in the hospital. I lived way on the other side of town at the time but got sent to this hospital because I went there from school and because I flipped a shit when they tried to send me to the other hospital that has a horrid psych ward. But that's beside the point. (It was all totally meant to happen the way it did because I found my amazing IOP group that finally got me on the right track). Sooo...when I moved a few months ago I ended up moving to right next to this club that does the meeting. It's also the club where I ended up on Christmas Eve after I had relapsed and called the AA hotline in desperation. A bit more than coincidence it seems like...how everything just lines up like that.
So at many of the meetings, they make an announcement about this Tuesday night meeting at the hospital. And every time I think, "I should do that," and then immediately come up with a reason why I can't. While I was in school I legitimately couldn't because I had evening class. Well I could've, since it was close to school, but I would've had to go straight from class and that would be stressful and exhausting after 3 hours of class. After that it was that I wanted to go back to my Tuesday night women's meeting. It is a meeting that is super important to me. There are some really, really amazing women there and it's a good place for me to be. It's super calming for me, while the hospital obviously brings up a lot of stress. But I've known for a while that this hospital meeting is something I need to do.
The hospital was my first intro to AA. I only went to the meeting because otherwise I would have to be in my room. I was in total denial of having any sort of problem. I'd gone to a couple meetings before because ppl had pushed me to, but I was so freaked out by them/didn't think I had a problem/really just didn't want to be there that I wouldn't get much from it. I'd sit in the hallway outside the room...and that was on a good day. Lots of times I'd sit in the grass outside the building, or in my car at a somewhat nearby parking lot. Occasionally I'd actually go to the meeting but show up late and leave early so no one could talk to me. (And regardless of the approach I took, I almost always stopped at the liquor store on the way home as a "reward" for going! lol).
During the meeting when I was inpatient....even though I was so sure that alcohol wasn't my problem...(after all, I'm dealing with flashbacks, nightmares, horrific memories, etc. etc. wouldn't ANYONE drink over that?)...I started hearing so much of myself in the people who had come in from "the outside" to bring the meeting. As they spoke I just kept thinking "that's me! That's so me!" But then they'd talk about finding peace in their lives, and things being good, and I felt like the connection was lost then. I couldn't imagine my life being peaceful. At that point the idea of staying alive another day seemed enormous.
But I think some peace of their message did stick in my head. I transitioned almost immediately from inpatient into IOP. Early on in the IOP program I went to an art group and got to do some watercolor painting. I love watercolors because I can paint my feelings w/all sorts of colors and it doesn't have to actually look like anything. It's how I've been able to express a lot of stuff, especially early on. The painting I did that day was almost all gray and dark, with some lines of orange fire running through the middle. In the bottom corner was a blue spot to represent me. Across the top was plain white to represent peace. The picture was symbolic of me, for the first time in a very very long time, believing there could maybe be peace in my life if I could figure out how to get out of the storms and the fire and everything. In hindsight, I think a lot of that came from the inpatient AA meeting. (And maybe meds too...plus the fact that they'd given me the good sleeping drugs so I'd slept like 12+ hours one of the nights I was hospitalized).
Now, here I am, bordering on the white part of that painting. My life is more peaceful than I EVER could've imagined it. So I knew I had something to offer this meeting. I can come back and say that I've ben there....in the current patients' exact spots, and that when people told me it could get better I didn't believe them but now I've seen that it can. I've been wanting to tell that story, but I wasn't sure if I could. I decided as a way to honor my 6 months of sobriety I would just go for it and make myself do it.
It was scary as all hell walking in to that hospital again. The entrance area wasn't that bad because I'd go through there to get to some of IOP related stuff. But as soon as I got in to the main hospital part I started to tense up. When I pushed the number 4 on the elevator I felt my heart rate quicken. When I got off the elevator and saw the big locked doors I nearly took off running. I had to be escorted in by a nurse since it is a locked unit. As she lead me in and the big locking door shut behind me I felt the panic come on so strong. Thankfully I have a pretty decent relationship with the guy from the AA club that runs the meeting, so when I saw him it helped me calm down a bit.
I was able to do some good mindfulness stuff that I was pretty proud of in order to settle down. I reminded myself of all the things that "proved" that I was free and not locked in. I had shoes on instead of the stupid little sticky footie socks they always tried to make me wear. I had my backpack, phone, etc. with me. I didn't have the red "don't let me go anywhere" wristband that the patients had. I got a little more comfortable when the meeting started because it was something familiar to me, but when it started to slow down again it was really hard to stay out of panic mode. But I got to say what I needed to say. I told my story. I told them that 10 months ago I was a patient....that I was there on my birthday because I couldn't imagine living another day, much less starting another year. That I never believed there could be peace in my life but now there is...and that it's hard for me to think back to when I felt I had nothing to live for, because now I feel that there is so much in my life.
I also was able to look around and see/realize how different I am now. When I was in the hospital I spent the whole time wrapped in a blanket. I was cold/shivery/shaky no matter what the temperature (though that got better towards the end). I was in such crazy panic that I couldn't stand being anywhere when I didn't have at least my back against the wall....I preferred being in a corner so I could be very sure no one was coming up behind me. I saw some people in that pose tonight. Curled up and tucked in to the corner of a couch, wrapped up in a blanket. Not long ago at all that used to be me. Definitely a good reminder of where I've come from, and a reason to keep working to get better even when it's so, so hard.
As the meeting went on I looked out the window and watched the sun set behind the downtown skyline. I'd forgotten what a beautiful view the hospital has. When I was there I would just sit and watch the world outside for as long as they'd let me. In a sense it kept me sane, but at the same time it drove me crazy because I am such an outside type of person and there wasn't even a window that could open for a single breath of fresh air. But tonight, knowing I got to leave at the end, it was so much prettier. On the other side of the building (where I couldn't see bc you'd have to go in a patient room to see) you can look down at the park. I remember watching that park and thinking of what I'd give just to go sit in that park for a minute...just to go hug or touch a tree, sit in the grass, etc. Many times during IOP I'd walk by or through that park and I would stop, count up to the 4th floor, and look up to acknowledge my freedom. I hope that while the hospital becomes a distant memory in my life, that I'll never forget to acknowledge the joy of those simple things. Tonight I rewarded myself with Taco Bell (total guilty pleasure there) again just to remind myself that I have the freedom to go where I want, eat what I want, etc. That's the kind of thing you don't really think about until it's taken from you, but it's such a simple thing that nearly everyone can be grateful for on some level. Unless we're already locked up, we have our freedom, and our choices. Even in the crappiest of situations, we can be grateful that we have the freedom to make choices in how to deal with them.
Anyway, it was amazing, weird, crazy, etc. etc. being back there. I'm amazed at just how vivid my memories are. I thought I'd forgotten a lot of it because I was so in trauma mode when there. But when I walked by "my room" and saw "my bed" it was almost like a reaction to head for it. Or maybe I was just that tired from work! Thankfully I didn't though, cus that would've been awkward. The main room had been all switched around and I could remember exactly how it had been before. I normally have a terrible memory so so weird that I could remember so much. I guess my body knew that important things were happening and wanted to take note.
Anyway it's nearly midnight which is way past my bedtime these days (gone are the days of not sleeping til past 2am! I think I've typed a tangent and a half here but hopefully some part of it somewhere makes sense. And if not, well it makes sense to me and I'm the important one. :-P So not to skip the gratitudes, but I think it's pretty clear on this one what I'm grateful for...and it's A LOT! Thanks for reading. :)
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