Angry

I'm not doing so well right now.  I have a lot going on right now, and when that happens I tend to shut down.  I'm moving, which is freaking me out.  It's a good move, I need to get out of the current place I'm in, but it's a huge change.  The current place I'm in is fully furnished (very nicely I might add), in an amazing location around friends and walking distance to meetings, and i've just gotten really used to life here.  Unfortunately I need to move bc the landlord is selling the place, and I have some issues w/my roommate here anyway.  The place that I'm moving to i'll be on my own, which is good, but it's going to be stressful to readjust to.  I have absolutely no furniture or anything since I lost basically everything in the asbestos craziness.  Granted I didn't have much before, but now I have none.  I have some settlement money to buy new stuff but that's a huge stress.

My job wears me out.  I love it, but I come home every day absolutely exhausted.  I don't have the energy to focus on getting things done.

I have more stuff I'm supposed to be doing for my job from home.  I have to make a bunch of phone calls.  I hate talking on the phone so I tend to put it off.

I'm dealing with some emotional shit that seems to be coming out of nowhere.

I'm supposed to be planning a trip for a friend's wedding, but I haven't done anything because i'm so stressed.  If I don't get plane tickets soon I won't be able to afford to go.  I keep forgetting to do little things like that.  I need to get my renters insurance info to the new apt and I keep forgetting that too.

I have fun things too...like softball games and hockey games and that sort of thing but right now they feel like obligations because I'm so tired and overwhelmed.

I'm not getting enough sleep since I'm still adjusting to having to get up at 5:30 every morning.  I feel like I'm always tired.  The good news is that I pretty much fall asleep the second my head hits the pillow (such a change from when it used to take me many, many hours to fall asleep), but I just can't seem to be able to go to bed early enough.

So I continue to be overwhelmed and things continue to not get done.  Today after work I got the last of my stuff that I was storing and took it to my apartment (all the things I'm not using right now...kitchen stuff and all that).  I'd planned to come home and start making phone calls, go to a meeting, and then maybe go to my hockey game.  Instead I got home and thought maybe I'd just play a computer game for a little bit to relax.  Suddenly it was hours later and I'm not sure where the time went.  I kinda just zoned out.

I'm super pissed at myself that I missed the meeting.  Partly because I need to go to meetings to get my head out of this emotional shit.  But there's another reason too.

When I first started looking for apartments I had this dream/fantasy/whatever that I was going to find one before my 6 month sobriety birthday and then have all my AA friends over for an apartment warming/6-month celebration.  As time went on and I couldn't find a place, I figured that wouldn't happen, but for some reason the thought stuck in my head as something that was going to happen.  Then, amazingly, I found the place I'm moving in to...right area, way cheaper than the others, everything right about it.  And the cool part was that I could move in to it the day before my 6 months day.  It seemed like a god thing...perfectly placed so it fit within my plan.  Obviously I couldn't have the party on the 6 month day, but I figured I could this weekend.  But then I realized yesterday that it was already wednesday and I'd done nothing to plan it.  That makes me really sad because it really seemed like something that was meant to happen.  I've never had a party.  I've never really went to parties.  I rarely have people over.  I've never really done social stuff.  When I was drinking I mostly drank alone.  I've never really had friends to rely on like I do now so I thought it would be a fun normal person thing to do.  Plus, like I said before, it just seemed like a god thing.  So I decided today at work that I'd just make it a super super casual thing and just mention it to whoever I happened to see at the meeting tonight and spread it around that way that ppl should come over on saturday.  I don't have anyone's numbers or anything...well only a few of them.  But I didn't get to the meeting so I can't do that.

So all i've done today is made excuses.  I didn't go to the meeting so I couldn't invite ppl.  I didn't make phone calls bc I was lazy.  And I didn't pack anything, which is what I said I would do if I stayed home from the meeting.  I feel lonely, sad, and stupid.  And angry.  And now I don't know if I should go to my hockey game.  It'd be good for me to get out of this stupid house but I'm so tired I could barely wake up this morning and it's a night game.  And my head is stuck on all this stupid other shit and I just don't know.  I just want to hide from the world right now.  Some days I feel so good.  Some days I feel so broken.