Less glowy

I hate my mom.

There I said it. I hate her.

I'm sure that's wrong on many levels but it's where I'm at. I don't know what started these thoughts but they're definitely here now.

She was extremely emotionally abusive. Not quite as involved with the physical stuff, but she was never a mom. She used to hold me down while my dad beat me with a belt. I remember crying to her, mommy please make it stop. I was so young then. She'd look down at me...she could actually look me in the eye and say this...and tell me I deserved what I was getting. That I was a stupid little bitch..a disappointment. She'd yell horrible things at me. That they never wanted a child but especially not one like me. Mostly it's stuff I still can't repeat.

She knew about everything that was happening. She not only knew but she saw...and watched. She was a part of it sometimes. I just wanted her to mother me. At all. I dreamt of having a mommy. I couldn't get that dream out of my head so I let her shit keep hurting me again and again. She'd see me hurting and say "What'd you do this time? You can't do anything right." She was a part of all the control and the torture. One day when I was so young she beat the crap outta me for a stupid mistake...something lots of kids would've done under the same circumstances. She was always horrible to me, and I so badly wanted love from her. And for that, no matter how wrong it is, I hate hate hate her.

But then, I sort of wish I could hate her more, because I can't keep the anger up for long. The thoughts shift to, "What was wrong with me that my own mother couldn't love me?" Isn't the mother/child love thing supposed to be a natural, automatic thing? And yet my mom hated everything about me. From the time I was small she wanted to be rid of me. This is why I believe I was born somehow innately broken, evil, or just plain wrong inside. I wasn't good enough for my own mother, how can I be good enough for anyone else? And then it shifts from hating her to hating me. I hate myself for being dirty/broken/whatever. I just hate everything I guess.

It's not all bad...i'm just overwhelmed by these thoughts right now. I had more I wanted to say but I can't think of it...so I guess that's all for now.