And I helped!

Ok so it wasn't shake and bake, but I did help! :)

Let me back up a bit. As you can see from my last post things are a struggle for me right now. I've been talking to everyone who will talk to me for as long as they'll talk to me, both for the distraction and to collect ideas on how to save me from myself. Everyone has a different perspective and different ideas, so I like to hear as many as I can.

Yesterday afternoon I'd called an AA friend of mine. This is the person that I met through the AA hotline after I had my relapse and had called in desperation. She got me to meetings on Christmas Eve and introduced me to some people. Basically she found me a place where I could park myself and stay safe from going out drinking more. I'm pretty sure that's the only time we've spent together face to face, but we've talked on the phone a lot since then. She's been amazingly understanding to me, and put up with me calling her almost constantly for weeks. Since she's a morning person, I would call her on my way to work in the morning and stay on the phone with her until I was safely past all the liquor stores and on the right road to work. (During this time after relapse the little voice in my head was constantly convincing me that calling in sick and going to the liquor store was a much better option than work).

Anyway, she wasn't there when I called her so I left a message. She called this morning, which was good since I'd planned on going to an early morning meeting but wussed out and stayed in bed. So, this friend's call got me awake and going. (She felt bad for waking me up but I was grateful). We talked for a while and then decided to meet for lunch. I was a little nervous since I didn't even remember what she looks like, but she's just one of those amazingly calming people. It's hard not to feel at peace around her. (Oh, and to combat the don't remember what she looks like thing I got there first and hung out with a book so she had to be the one to come find me! lol Granted her memory of the day we spent together is far less fuzzy than mine). We had a great time talking about anything and everything, and easily filled up her whole lunch hour. She was really reassuring to me because she told me that her first 9 months of sobriety were really rough for her and she wanted to drink daily. I know that doesn't sound reassuring but I was starting to wonder what was wrong with me because so many people talk about being relieved of the desire to drink as soon as they got away from the initial withdrawals/cravings and started working the steps. That has SO not been the case for me. I've had relief some days but some days it's as strong as ever! She was also really supportive about the success i've had, which is nice to hear. AA is big on tough love (and I do get it takes that to overcome addiction, because overcoming addiction requires really hard work) but sometimes it's just nice to have some lovely love too. It feels good to have someone say i'm doing well and just be understanding and supportive.

Soooo....I left lunch in a much happier place than I've been in a while. I walked out of the restaurant and there was a car stuck in the ice on the street near where i'd parked. (It seems the car had made itself a sink hole and the girl driving couldn't get it out). There were two guys pushing but they were sliding on the ice so they just couldn't get it out. I started to walk past because they seemed to have it handled but then I started thinking of what so many people have told me lately...that the best way to get out of your own head is to help someone else. I asked if they needed another hand and they didn't really respond one way or the other (except to say that it was hard because they were sliding on the ice...maybe they were trying to be manly). I put my stuff down and went over to push with the two guys. Within seconds we had it out. To my surprise the girl shouted thank you and the two guys walked off in different directions. I had assumed that the trio was together but it turns out the two guys had seen her struggling and stopped to help. I don't know if I would've been the first to stop...I don't know that it would've even occurred to me, but it was really cool to be a part of the end result. The girl was thanking everyone profusely, but I almost wanted to thank her for getting stuck and giving me the opportunity to be useful. I really, really needed it.

It also made me realize something. I've done a pretty good job of getting out of wanting to help for the recognition of it. I've been really enjoying picking up trash around my apartment building and doing little, silent things like that to make the world a bit nicer. But I'm not out of it fully. I could've cared less about recognition from the girl driving, but I instantly wanted to call my sponsor and jump around like a little kid and say "I did it! I did it! I helped! I helped!" I guess i'm looking for a new kind of recognition now. I want to share the good feelings i experienced with someone, and I want to tell the people who have been dealing with the whiney struggling version of me that at least for right now I feel worthwhile. (I have to wait 'til this evening to call my sponsor because she's not home yet, so for now I get to share it with you all).

The end result of this story is that afterwards I drove to campus and got one of the best parking spots...close, and right next to the pay machine so I don't have to walk far out of my way. It's the kind of spot you NEVER get in the middle of the day. (And it may sound silly but it's important to me since it's dark when I get out of my night class and I don't like walking across campus in the dark). I'm taking it as happy karma raining down on me. :)

I don't think I need to add a gratitude on the end of this because this whole post is pretty much a gratitude, but just to stick with tradition...I'm grateful that I stuck with sobriety long enough to have this day. I almost didn't make it last night. I almost lost it all over the bad thoughts. I'm grateful I made it through the crap and back into the sunshine.