Dilemma

So I had my individual session w/stupidface today. I have to say it was a hard one. I feel like I'm at a bit of a crossroads. Lately my individual sessions have felt a bit useless. It just feels like there hasn't been a lot to talk about. It also feels like my past issues are the giant elephant in the room that we're both dancing around. The thing is, we tried to talk about it one day and I freaked. I dissociated, couldn't look at him, etc. But they are definitely causing me problems right now.

I thought today was going to be different as far as having stuff to talk about due to the cutting episode. But stupidface wasn't real concerned about that. He also didn't have any sage advice about not letting the sabotaging monkey thoughts sneak up on me like they did, except for the stuff that I'm already doing. He says that he's happy with my overall behaviors these days, and that learning better ways to deal with the trauma memories will come. I said that I am really unhappy with what happened, which I am, and that I feel like sobriety should involve giving up cutting too. He agrees that cutting isn't a good thing, but he's not as anxious to make it a priority as I am. He says it's just a sign that I need to keep working on different way to respond to stressful situations, emotions, etc. and to strengthen the good responses that I know.

Anyway this all brought up some big questions about where to go from here as far as our individual sessions, dealing with the trauma stuff, etc. There's a few issues. The first is whether or not we should start focusing specifically on what happened. I'm not at all anxious to start picking through it, but I want to do whatever it takes to get better and not let the memories and flashbacks have so much control over myself today. If that means (slowly) telling someone what happened, then so be it. Stupidface suggested that he wants me to be stronger in sobriety before delving in to any trauma stuff...meaning at least 3 months (I hit 2 months yesterday, by the way. :) ). I understand his point...I don't want to be getting in to difficult stuff that's going to push me towards drinking. However the flip side of that is that it feels like the unresolved trauma stuff is a big driving force pushing me towards a drink. My "outside" life isn't all that stressful, but in my head a war is being waged and some days I'm desperate to shut it up. So stupidface suggested that I call this place in town that offers a SA support group. I'd heard of this place before (learned about it through school and my dr mentioned it) and thought it wasn't a bad idea, at least to look in to. Of course when I started reading a bit more in depth on their website (now that I have a better understanding of how group therapy works I wanted to read more of the specifics) I quickly reached the point of feeling like I was about to vomit, and shut it down. So for now that seems to say I'm definitely not ready! Anyway, when Stupidface was mentioning this he said that I should ask them if I was a good candidate for a group, and that maybe they'd put me in one or refer me to a therapist. Wait, what?

I asked him why I couldn't just see him. That got us in to a whole new discussion about whether or not he can be the one to help me through trauma stuff. He said he's not a trauma therapist, and thought i might be better off with someone specifically focused on that. (He also had another reason he mentioned why it might not be a good idea, which I can't remember now and it's driving me crazy!). He also said it might be a bad idea because he's male and that might make things harder for me. I'm wondering if that comment came from the time I freaked out when I told him I was mad at him for being male. I'm really regretting that whole encounter because I feel it's made him hesitant to push me for fear of upsetting me again. The thing is, I want and need to be pushed. Anyway, I told him that I wasn't sure about the other stuff, but that the gender issue didn't bother me because he was the first t I'd felt at all comfortable with in years of trying therapy. As soon as I said it I realized I'd "slipped." He got a sly smile on his face and said, "You trust me, don't you?" Yeah I guess I do. As much as I'm able to. That was pretty crazy to admit to him. He pulled out his humor then, which I do enjoy, and said "but we had a break-up so early on in our relationship!" (when he became stupidface to me). We had a good laugh about our getting back together and "rekindling the relationship"...

He is good at getting me laughing...which was especially good today cus I was in a bad place when I came in. I didn't think I was, but I'm carrying around a lot of extra anger right now. He repeatedly pushed me to talk about something I told him I didn't want to talk about (not because it was anything overly personal, I just didn't really see a point to discussing it) and I got pissed and refused to talk at all. When he asked me why I yelled at him about how the rule is supposed to be that I don't have to talk about anything I don't want to and how can I trust him on that with bigger issues if he won't stick to it for smaller stuff. Of course that goes back to the fact that I do want him to push me but yet being pushed scares me. He said he felt like I was wanting him closer and yet pushing him away all at once. Yep. Welcome to my world. Story of my life. I told him I didn't know what I wanted and he agreed. (Funny story...I've been watching Girl Interrupted for a project for school...there's a scene in there where the main character is talking to her therapist about the word ambivalent and what exactly it means, and how it doesn't mean not caring but actually means being pulled both directions. So today Stupidface was talking about how I'm ambivalent because I really want things both ways. Just a funny parallel cus I was just presenting this scene to my class last Thursday! lol).

Ok I'm realizing right now that I am never, ever going to write a short blog entry. This was supposed to be quick. I thought I had nothing really to say. Ha. And I'm only half way done.

The other issue that came up today was about moving on with the AA steps. To continue on from where I am now, the steps move in to digging into the past to bring up resentments. My sponsor has been saying through all my flashback stuff that we need to hurry up to get to that step because it's clear that my resentments are causing me major problems. Now Stupidface today said I should wait until I'm 4-5 months sober before I start in to any of that, because there's too much risk of it snowballing and getting too big for me to handle. And even if I try to take it slow, it's likely for one memory to lead to another and another and another. I totally agree with him, but I also agree with my sponsor who says that we need to keep moving so I don't build up more fear around it and build up my fears and resentments even bigger than they already are. They already control me, and they're too big to be swept under the rug. I also have seen good things happen through the step work....I definitely don't want to stop even though I know it'll be hard. My sponsor's answer to the danger of the snowballing memories is that that's why there's step 3 first, so you learn to trust a higher power for strength and support when you feel vulnerable, weak, and overwhelmed. I get where she's coming from, but I also realize that she doesn't understand trauma to the extent of mine.

So that's another big question mark right now. And it's another spot where both sides make total sense, but yet there could be bad consequences if I pick wrong. I have no idea what the next step is. I had really hoped Stupidface would give me some direction but he seemed just as confused as I am. Of course he said that it's up to me to decide what's right for me, but I think the honest truth is that he has no idea. I could be wrong, but that's my impression. For now the option I am somewhat leaning towards is going to an ACOA (adult children of alcoholics) meeting. There are a few listed for my area. I emailed the contact person for one a while back and never heard back. I get the distinct impression that it doesn't really exist. But today I found a new listing that's actually closer to me, and is at one of the local AA clubs so it seems more likely to be a current listing. I'm thinking maybe for now that can be a middle ground to everything else. It has the overcoming the past aspect, the understanding of the 12 steps, but not necessarily an abuse focus. I'm trying to get up the courage to get in touch with the contact person for this other meeting. We'll see.

For now...I guess I'm grateful to still be sober so I can have this dilemma.