I'm really way too tired to blog, but there's just too much that happened today. I want to get it all out while it's still fresh. It was a lot of craziness, but overall I'm really proud of how I handled it.
Starting with Wednesday night...things were going pretty well. I knew I had to really focus and study, and it felt like after my session w/Stupidface a switched had been turned on that allowed me to do that. When I'd start drifting towards distraction I was able to remind myself that I wanted to, and could, keep working. (Of course there were moments...but everyone has moments..). I finished most of my work, and was able to go to bed feeling pretty good about myself. Better yet, I slept peacefully and had rather happy dreams.
The morning was more stressful but still ok. I stuck to my plan, and left the house pretty close to when I wanted to. I had time to study in the morning and I used it well. I got to school with plenty of time so I felt ready when the test was starting, rather than my usual rushing to get there and coming in frazzled.
Something interesting happened on my drive to school. I looked out at the beautiful blue sky and just couldn't help but thank god (higher power yet to be named...) for it. Sure I was stressed, but here I was, alive and healthy enough to take finals. When I started this semester I was fairly certain I wouldn't live long enough to see the end of it. I was even more certain that if I did live that long there was no way that I would actually do well in my classes. I was mostly showing up just to show up, but I wasn't getting anything out of them. I figured I'd end up dropping out before it was all said and done.
So now this morning, here I was having not only survived but actually done well in my classes. I was healthy enough to take my finals with a real chance of doing well. I was so thankful for the right friends and the right support that saw me through. I felt this incredible, genuine gratitude. Normally talk of gratitude really pisses me off because it sounds cheesy and feels like people don't get it when they tell me to think about the good things. Well damnit it sucks and I want to be pissed! lol But today I got to campus smiling, and thinking to myself how blessed I am to be here, healthy and able to take finals. I'm noticing a trend with this gratitude thing. It happened a while back when I was really stressed and I stopped to thank god for the way the warmth of the sun felt on my face as I closed my eyes and tried to catch my breath and calm down. The more I expressed my gratitude, the more my anxiety lessened. I hesitate to even say this all "out loud" because it sounds cliche and it would bug the hell out of me if someone told it to me, but I've seen it twice now.
My test went pretty well. Afterwards I rushed to the library to finish my last bits of work to turn in for my other class. Unfortunately I couldn't find the classmate who was going to take my stuff to the happy hour thing for me, so I ended up having to go myself. It stressed me out way more than I expected it to. I never really was a bar drinker. I'd go every now and then but it really wasn't my thing. I think it was mostly nerves because I knew it was a risky situation. Earlier in the day I'd thought maybe I'd just go and get a coke or something and hang out. But then I started having thoughts of how nice it would be to have a drink to celebrate being done with finals. Those thoughts made the decision for me that it was a bad idea to chance it. So I rushed in, turned in my papers, and rushed back out. I felt incredibly shaky and anxious.
On my way to the bar, I'd heard on the radio that a place on the far north end of town was giving away free christmas trees. It was a long way from where I live, but I figured I had a free night so what the heck. I really would love to have a tree. Of course I was somewhat south, so it was a long journey. When I was almost there I got a phone call from the office at my apartment complex. It was about 5:30 at the time. They told me that the renovation crew had found asbestos so they needed to evacuate the entire building for 3 days to clean it out. They said I had until 8:00 to have everything out and then I wouldn't be allowed back in. Now keep in mind I'm waaaay far north, I live way east, and it's rush hour. Plus I'm starting my new job on Saturday so I had to have all of my ski stuff out as well. Thankfully they're providing a hotel room.
I made it to the tree place only to find out the trees were gone. They'd given out 2 full truckloads of trees in less than two hours off of one little announcement on the radio. It may have been for the best though, as I still would've had to buy a tree stand and get it set up, and I really didn't have time for that anymore.
By the time I got home it was nearly 7:00. I had an hour to rush around and get everything. I'll admit I was in a seriously grumpy mood on the way back. There was a lot of "I had to stress about finals all day, I'm not getting to enjoy the celebration time with my classmates/friends, I didn't get the Christmas tree I wanted and drove way out of my way to get, and now this asbestos thing couldn't have come at a worse time!!" It's true, this day seemed determined to test me in every way possible. But as I stood there in my apartment trying to decide what to pack, I heard the voices of my neighbor's young children. It hit me then: "I think my timing is bad?! What about having to pack up and go on short notice with little kids?!" I've seen how much crap it takes just to get my little nephew out for the afternoon! Not to mention they had to pack and supervise their kids, and deal with the stress that their kids might be having because of it all. (Plus I know there are at least a couple of single parents in my building....which would make it that much harder). On top of all that, the extra stress for me was being caused because I have a job! That's a good thing...I'm employed! So again I found this peace in my gratitude.
Once I was packed and ready to leave I sat down and said a prayer for those lacking the good fortune I was given. It helped me feel a bit of connectedness to the world. It also helped me feel peace about what was happening, rather than fear.
I made it to the hotel, which happens to be a looooong ways away from my apartment in the wrong direction from IOP. It's going to be one hell of a drive tomorrow, but the place itself is nice. It kinda feels like a spa to me after sleeping on my air mattress for so long and watching tv on my itty bitty little screen. Now I've got a bed with a super plush mattress, a (moderately) big screen tv, a shower with WAY better pressure than mine has, etc. Really not too bad.
I had a good conversation with my sponsor when I got here. I was thinking she was probably wondering about me since I'd said I'd call and had expected to be done with things way earlier. She called at about 9:00 when I was just finally getting everything in to my hotel room. When I answered I said "I was just thinking I should call you," and she said "Yeah...you should..." I could tell in her voice she thought I was avoiding it. After I told her about my day though she understood! lol She was impressed with how non-frazzled I was and was proud of me for discovering gratitude (a topic that, as she said, makes everyone groan though it's so good for you!). She was super sweet too...she said that that night after I'd asked her to sponsor me she'd been so happy she went home and thanked god for me. She said I was her christmas present. I guess she feels that same connection I do.
It's now way past my bedtime and I am really, really excited for my comfy bed, but there's just one more thing I want to say. I'm thinking that gratitude is one of those things you have to come to on your own. You can't tell someone to be grateful or even teach them how. It's like a skill you have to practice and figure out. What a great skill to have though. When I started writing a gratitude at the end of my blog entries it was hard and it felt corny. But apparently I've learned something from it...even though I think tonight I sound like one of those people that tends to drive me crazy! lol Speaking of which...I've been slacking on adding the grateful piece to my blogging...I'd better work on that! :)
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