First a quick bit of background. I think I haven't really explained what's going on with the individual therapist thing. Everyone as all set to put me with A, the female therapist, as they thought that would be better for me therapeutically. Except that it turns out no one actually asked A. Turns out her schedule is too full to take on anyone new. So I'm officially back with Stupidface. That's not a bad thing. I've always liked Stupidface as a therapist. He got the name because of his inability to return phone calls, and acting a bit too much like a guy when I need him to get things. (For example...I call telling him I really need to talk to him and asking if we can set up an appt. ASAP. He calls back right away...which was a plus...but said he couldn't make an appointment for a couple of days. We scheduled, and that was the end. He never even asked if I was ok or anything, even though I'd told him on the message that I "really needed to talk.")
First session back with Stupidface was today. It was strange. The last time I saw him individually was when I very first got in to the program and I was in a very, very bad place. I remember sitting in his little office crying my eyes out because I was so desperate and I felt like no one could see how bad I was hurting, how scared I was, and how I really didn't feel like I was going to make it. I was terrified to leave his office bc I had no idea what I was supposed to do with myself for a week until I saw him again. I remember telling him that there was no way in hell I was going to quit drinking because there was no way to survive my life without it. A lot has changed since then.
I didn't expect much out of the appointment. Since a lot is about to change for me, I figured that's what we'd talk about. Essentially, my new job is working as a ski instructor over the holidays. Ski resorts get especially busy around the holidays with kids being out of school and families taking vacation. So, starting saturday, I'm going to be working almost every day until new years. This is an awesome opportunity for me to make a lot of money in a very short time. It will also get me back outdoors and doing something I love again, which will really help. The downside is, it essentially means leaving IOP and all of my program structure for the next few weeks. Granted the work will give plenty of structure so it's not super dangerous, but I've gotten very used to having all these people around to talk stuff out with when it gets bad. (Again...amazing how things change. Remember when I was terrified of anything related to therapy and absolutely refused to go?).
We did talk about how my "sabbatical" was going to affect me, but only for a little bit. We then got in to some pretty intense stuff that had kind of been hinted at in IOP but couldn't really be discussed in depth with the group. I think that's why being with Stupidface is going to be good for me. IOP can be frustrating because we get into certain issues but sometimes we have to cut it short to give other ppl a chance to talk about what's going on for them. Also sometimes we spend a lot of time on something that doesn't really apply to me. Such is the nature of groups. But suddenly I had an all about me hour with someone who really listens and really wanted to hear what I had to say. (Unlike J....former t, who would interrupt me to tell one of his stories and then talk about how I really needed to focus on not drinking and more sobriety time). Stupidface is really good at asking questions too, so we ended up getting in to some really deep stuff. It was basically stuff that I already knew on some level, but hearing them out loud and from a professional brought a new feel to it.
We talked about some behaviors he's noticed in me (mostly being late to groups or not showing up at all), about my constant sabotaging of myself...which I did manage to bring up, my apparent need for chaos and stress that I've been noticing lately, and a bunch of other stuff. Basically the conclusion came down to the fact that pretty much everything I do and the issues that I have come out of a deep fear of abandonment. By being late I keep the group at arm's length so I'm a little less engaged and can't be hurt. I let myself go into very dark places that I know I shouldn't because I feel safe in the pain and it's what I know. I don't want to commit to relying on anyone else. I'm also afraid of getting healthier because how I've always gotten positive attention is by being needy enough to have someone take care of me. Logically I know I have friends who care about me beyond just my neediness, but it's hard for me to really, deep-down believe that. I remember as far back as elementary school getting attention from other kids and teachers by sitting and crying. If I didn't get what I wanted/needed, I would go sit somewhere more visible and cry more obviously until someone came to take care of me. Now, I remember having a feeling of terror when I hit 30 days in AA. As much as it's exciting and an awesome accomplishment, it means I'm no longer a newcomer. Newcomers are treated a bit like celebrities in AA meetings and everyone offers help and guidance for them to get started. This is very cool and as it should be, since the first days are by far the hardest, but a part of me wanted to go screw up again so I could be new and make sure ppl don't forget me. Crazy, I know, but very real thoughts.
Stupidface says that this likely all comes from being taught that I was unlovable as a child. No big surprise there. However seeing the connections between so many aspects of childhood and now make this suddenly seem like an even bigger hurdle/mountain/whatever you want to call it to get past. He says that the only way to learn to trust is by being willing to risk. He asked if I felt I'd ever really given my all to any path of getting better. And no, I haven't. The truth felt very obvious to me in that moment. I never have because if I give it my all and I still fail then holy shit where does that leave me. It's terrifying to really put it all on the line.
I asked how do I start to risk that, because I really have no idea how to live any other way than how I am. He said to start with the basics. I have to stop letting the little sub-conscious sabotage get in there. I have to stop wasting time and get to places on time. (And I am wasting time, as much as I have excuses for being tired or rushed or whatever else. He kept reminding me that it is in my power to get to a place on time and it requires my focus and work to do so). I've gotta make sure I'm taking care of myself...getting in as much of a sleep routine as I can, eating regularly and eating well, etc.
It was really weird to go in to all of this. We even got in to how I felt like two different people over the summer....my happy, energetic, successful work self, and my logic-defying home self who felt useless and terrible no matter how much I tried to convince myself otherwise. We talked about how as time went on those two selves essentially quit speaking, and once my job ended I was suddenly left with home self full time...landing me in the hospital. I don't think I've ever really talked about any of that with anyone. I feel like a bit of a weight has been lifted. Stupdiface was really helpful in guiding me through this stuff and helping me to see it without feeling bad about it. He's good at labeling a fact a fact...basically this is what's happened, this is how I'm acting now because of it. Doesn't mean I'm a screw up, or that I am screwing up even, it just means that I need to re-learn how to act and think and trust. So yeah no big task there or anything. :-P
If my work schedule is as I think it will be I'll see him again in two weeks. I think I'm looking forward to it. Maybe. lol
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