god

I went to a new meeting tonight. I wasn't a huge fan of it because they called on people to talk rather than waiting for volunteers. So not my style. The topic was god/higher power. That meant that I eventually had to say something about god to everyone. It wasn't a huge meeting but enough people to be intimidating.

When it came to me I just said that I had nothing to add because I really can't make sense of anything god-like right now and just have no idea.

On my way home I started thinking about it more. I was pissed when I left the meeting. Everyone was talking about going from not believing to believing, or going from a religious god they didn't care about to a god they actually felt. All this stuff but another meeting of everyone talking about how wonderful everything is.

I felt like shit. I was such an obvious outsider. Just one more place that I don't fit in. Everyone says they felt like they didn't fit in when they first came, but I just feel like this stuff at meetings is supposed to connect to me somehow. Instead it's just making me more and more angry. I'm starting to hate meetings because it feels like teasing me with what I don't have. Sure they tell me that I can have it too but I'm already fucking miserable enough right now, I don't need what I'm lacking flaunted in front of me.

As I was thinking all of this something hit me. This is probably something I should've realized a long time ago, but tonight it showed up and smacked me in the face. I've spent my whole life seeing anger turn in to violence...both things I've done and things that have happened to me. I talk about myself as a peaceful, spiritual person and in some ways I am, but in other ways I'm latching on to anything and everything I can to stay safe from the anger and rage. Where I thought I was calm and peaceful I was really finding new ways to bury it.

As I've said before my biggest spiritual moments are when I go out in nature, away from the human world. I love to be at the top of a mountain where I can look out at the view and just see the beauty around me. I love to be somewhere where the wind is blowing just enough to hide the other sounds, so it's just me and nature. These moments show me that there is some sort of spiritual something out there (no matter how spiritually empty I feel right now), but often when I reach them I have these feelings of "what now?" It's like the place is right, but something is wrong. I've wondered if that was loneliness or an inability to process it or maybe just something too great to ever really take in. I get feelings of wanting to leave and yet wanting/needing to stay longer because I know there's something there that i'm supposed to be grasping but can't.

And then it hit me. In these experiences, just like in the meetings, I'm the outsider looking in. I'm so close to what I want I can taste it, but I can't get it. I can't fucking get it. It's teasing me, but it's just out of reach.

Something amazing happened when I made this connection. I felt the first hint of spirituality that I've had since my most recent breakdown. That "something is there" feeling was coming back a bit.

Someone at the meeting had said that the way to build a connection with god was just to talk to him....to not worry about prayers or religion or right or wrong or anything, but just talk. So I started talking to this little piece of spirit that I felt, and saying exactly what was on my mind.

The phrase that kept coming to me was, "I just want to hate you." I said it over and over again in my head. I just want to hate you god. I want to find you and wring your neck. I hate you.

Holy crap. I wanted to get back to that meeting and have my turn to talk again! Suddenly it all made sense. I have no issue with believing in a god. The issue is that I do believe he exists and I have intense amounts of hatred for him. That's a very scary thought. I've never really believed in the old man w/a beard version of god but I was visualizing stabbing a knife through that image. That is a scary amount of anger.

I know life's not fair...I know we all go through shit and I'm not the only one to have been hurt...but god damnit I got a bad wrap! How the hell can a god with any amount of compassion place a child in the midst of pure evil? How can he put people through so much pain? Why did it have to be me? Why was so much taken away from me? (Please don't try to answer these by the way, I'm really not interested in a free-will discussion or any of that). I screamed these questions at god (in my head...getting this angry out loud would still be too scary) punctuated with "I hate you"s. I'd long since missed my turn as my head was so wrapped up in the incredibleness of what was happening, but eventually I meandered my way home. As I pulled up I realized I felt a sense of being cared for by god for the first time in a very, very long time. How strange is that? As I think about it now I picture it like a young child angry about something being taken away from him or taken out of his control. He beats at mom or dad with his tiny fists until he eventually curls up in their arms to cry and be comforted. Maybe god has been wanting me to let out some of my rage so I can start to be comforted.

It's a weird feeling now. I'm feeling the rage and the comfort at the same time and they both feel good in their own way. I want to hate god, but i'm also starting to feel like the small child in loving arms and I think I like that (though it scares me too). I have no idea what to make of all this but as soon as I got home I raced in to get to my computer and blog because I just had to tell someone and get it out! I feel weird saying it but as much as I really struggled with this meeting about god/higher power I hope there's another one soon cus now I have a lot to say!

(Disclaimer: I welcome comments on this post but no religion/bible stuff. Just sayin. Spiritual, not religious...)

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My gratitude tonight is an odd one. I'm kinda grateful that my laundry quarters on the counter of my asbestos laden apartment because that takes the decision about doing laundry tonight out of my hands. I really need to do it as I have no clean clothes (sucks having such a limited supply and no days off) but I haven't been sleeping well and I really really need tonight to go to bed early. This thought came to me randomly in the midst of my rantings at god and I think I threw in a "Damnit god I don't even have my quarters..yet one more thing! but thank you thank you for letting me have an early night!" or something to that effect...all in screaming voice of course. There's something to be said for screaming out thanks and appreciations in the midst of I hate you's! lol