Friday

I can sum up this week in just two words:

Holy fuck.

Monday seems like a month ago. I'm not sure I remember tuesday.

Today was another crazy day. Not quite to the level of yesterday, but it was non-stop.

Here's the quick run-down....

Long journey across town to IOP, IOP, out to lunch w/a friend from IOP (super fun), art group, ran into another IOPer that's relapsed and vanished for a while so talked to her for a bit (she's ok relatively speaking but her detox was bad enough it required 5 days in the hospital), went to campus to sell my books back, went to the ski shop to pick up my freshly waxed skis, went to friend's house to do laundry and eat chinese food, went to the store to buy new ski pants (a bit embarrassing but I gained weight through all this and mine were a bit tight anyway...) and now finally back to the hotel. I've showered, packed my bag for tomorrow, laid out everything I need, and put my laundry as away as it can get in a hotel room. There's been very little time wasting and yet it's late enough that I have barely 5 hours to sleep before my early morning tomorrow.

I'm proud of myself again for how I handled things today. There were a lot of ups and downs. I told IOP about my day yesterday and being able to handle it and everyone reminded me to remember these days to remember next time it's hard that I can get through it. IOP was weird today because J (former t) was leading it bc Stupidface is on vacation. J and I started having some pretty big issues, so being back with him was a struggle. Funny because I used to feel pretty comfortable with J but Stupidface freaked me out. Anyway...my lunch was awesome and super fun. The woman I went with is someone I've connected with really well. We come from very different backgrounds but similar attitudes towards the world (liking to spend time alone by choice, for example). We had a great time. Then I went to art group with one of my other great IOP friends and got to spend some time just hanging out and chatting with her while working on a project. (Oh, and there was a phone interview for an after school job when school gets started again, but not enough energy to go into that now). Anyway, it was an afternoon of time w/ppl i'm comfortable with, but then seeing the other woman who relapsed was really a struggle. I consider her a friend as well, but it was sad because we were just starting to see her real personality come out from behind the shell her drinking seems to leave. Today she was back to the shell. But I had a chance to tell her I care about her and that we've all been concerned, and give her a hug.

Anyway the point I'm getting at is that I'm handling a lot and feeling good about it, but I know I'm moving towards a potential dangerous situation. I haven't had much of a chance to rest and regroup since probably tuesday afternoon. I know that realistically I need to rest, and at some point I'm risking a crash. I know I need to be going to meetings, reading my big book, journaling, etc. but there is just literally no time. I know that sounds like an excuse but when the first chance I have to sit still is at nearly midnight....

I figure at least writing here gives me a quick release of the day. Now I really need to get to sleep because boy oh boy if I sleep through my alarm tomorrow it's going to put me in a very bad place. That's one of my very biggest fears right now. I've gotten waaaaay too good at turning off my alarm in my sleep.
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I'm grateful to god for continuing to give me this amazing strength to push forward through challenge after challenge.