Random Thoughts

A few random thoughts that are swirling around in my head right now...

The mountain and iop/clinic are completely different world. The contrast is stark. I don't want to stereotype either group...but the hospital that my clinic is out of has a big public health focus. They treat many people who can't afford medical care anywhere else. From what I've found, it's just about the only place in the area with affordable mental health care. Anyway, people who end up there are generally not the types that a ski resort attracts. (Like I've said before...there's no way I'd be able to afford to be there if I didn't have a job that gave me a pass). It's just a very different "type" of people. There's also the obvious urban vs. rural contrast.

Add to that, the clinic tends to be somewhat of a depressing place. There are lots of really awesome stories that come out of there...people who get the help they need and go on to be successful. But there's always new patients coming in to replace those that move on. (The worst part is there's a fairly long waiting list that I was able to move past because of my inpatient stay....that basically means that others are being pushed all the way to the brink before they're able to get help. Just like I was. But that's another story for another time). There's also the relapses. People who are success stories but something new happens in their life...some new trauma/tragedy/trigger/whatever and they end up back where they were before.

The mountain is the opposite. It's not that everyone is happy all the time at the mountain, but everyone is going out of their way to look it. People are there on vacation...they've put in lots of work to get there. From the employee side, everything we do is all about making things as nice as possible for the guest. They're taken care of from the time they first arrive until the time they leave by kind, smiling people. (Well that's the goal anyway...lol).

I feel like I fit well into both worlds, which confuses me.

As you all know, I have a lot of struggles in my life, especially now. It's been rather incredible for me to be a part of iop and the other support I've been getting, and I've finally been seeing real change in that part of me. Obviously this part of me is strong and present, or else I wouldn't have ended up hospitalized to begin with.

But then I go ski and I feel like this happy go lucky person. I feel distant from the world of support groups and therapy and meetings. At the clinic I'm very connected to the pain...on my skis I don't just forget about it but it doesn't even seem real. I think that's why I've been able to keep myself in denial for so long. I'm thinking it's a good thing to get such a break. No one can focus on crappy painful stuff all the time. On one of my stressful days Stupidface even said that I really need to find more fun in my life. That seemed like a really strange thing to hear...especially as someone who tends to do exciting things to avoid thinking about yucky things...but the truth is I've always struggled to really enjoy stuff because of the darkness I feel. The point is...fun is good, and no one should live without fun. It's not the way to lasting health and I know that. Working on my life is good but it can't be everything.

Ok back from that tangent! lol I'm thinking the fear to these feelings is that it'll be mighty easy to go do something stupid if i'm that disconnected from the crap that i'm trying to fight. Denial is not a good place for me to return to.

But then it also makes me wonder if I Just really need to fight harder against all the crap going on. I mean after all if I can go do something and have it be gone from my head, maybe I just need to do more to get rid of it completely. Maybe I should give up my iop spot and just go ski full time. I know the error in this thinking too but it just weirds me out how separate these parts of me feel. I'm trying to think of "everything in moderation" but they seem soooo disconnected I can't even picture a balance between them.

I'm probably way too tired to get in to stuff like this right now so I'm going to shut up on this one before I dig myself in any further. I'm wondering if I make any sense to anyone! lol

I'm still in the hotel tonight and will be until Monday, which brings up my other random thought. On my drive back from work today I was thinking about how I was "heading home" and planning my night at the hotel. I wasn't stressed at all about my apartment. Not only do I not miss it but it's like i've already accustomed to the new place...fine here and home here with no regrets. Obviously I'd miss my stuff eventually if I was told I could never go back to it, but I find it interesting how quickly I can be ok with a big change. And I wouldn't be too sad if they told me I was moving in here. I just wouldn't. Maybe I'm just too used to moving all the time...who knows.

Again should prob. stop talking on this one too. :-P

TTFN!