One moment

Just a quick update to let you all know I'm alive and doing ok. Today was a strange and challenging day. I met up with one of the women that I talked to on the phone through the hotline last night. She was amazing. She got me to a meeting in the evening after work and she was just exactly what I needed. She said out loud to everyone in the meeting that talking to me had been the highlight of her night bc she'd been struggling with stuff w/her own family but with me she got to do something meaningful. Then after the meeting she dragged me around and introduced me to a bunch of ppl and let them know we'd met bc I'd called the hotline, so they knew I needed more support.

The meeting she got me to was part of this meeting marathon thing. It had started in the afternoon and was going in to the night. Ppl had brought food and it was meeting after meeting, so it gave ppl a safe place to go to deal with the holiday. S, my new friend, left fairly soon after I'd gotten there, but she and another woman pushed me in to admitting that it was my first meeting since my last drink (something they always ask for but no one actually wants to admit) at the meeting that was starting before they left. I ended up staying for that meeting and another...adding the social time in between it was nearly midnight before I left.

The night and my life are both totally overwhelming right now. The only way I can describe it is that i'm on this strange deserted island. I can see other big crowded mainland areas. One is the world of drinking which I know leads to bad things...and as I saw this time basically nothing comforting. The other option is the world of sobriety which also feels very scary and foreign to me right now. The whole AA thing has been overwhelming from the start but now it's so much moreso because I thought I was getting it and instead got knocked on my ass so fast. There's a lot more to it of course, but that's the basis. I'm left trapped on this weird little island with no option that looks like a good one. For right now I really can't look to the future. At all. I'm checking my hands to make sure there's not a bottle in them at that moment. I'm making sure I'm not drinking right this second, because that's what I can control and comprehend. This place I went to tonight has more meetings tomorrow morning and I told ppl I would meet them there. So I have a place to go as soon as I wake up in the morning so I can keep my alone time to a minimum. Such a good thing because sobriety is hard anyway, but the holidays are really really messing with my head.

As I was approaching my apartment complex, a nice christmas song came on my car's radio. I felt myself let out a sigh, and for that one moment I was calm. In that one moment I felt ok. I had the relief of people who had been there for me tonight to get me through the major danger and were willing to meet me there again in the morning. And if nothing else, tomorrow morning I won't be waking up with a hangover! (Yeah 50 days away from those made me forget just how bad they suck! lol).

Anyway, this moment of peace only lasted but a moment but it gave my heart the peace I've been so desperately craving. It gave me a sense of comfort in the moment and let me know that at that moment I was doing the right thing. All things considered, that's really the very best blessing I could ask for. And for that, I am grateful.