It all finally caught up with me. I kinda knew it was coming...I knew I was breaking and I finally did. It was just a mix of everything going on, along with the holiday stuff. I struggle with holidays during good times, so combine them with all the crap I was fighting and it was a recipe for disaster.
Yesterday it was like I could feel things going bad. I felt my thoughts go from the good, positive ones that i've been excited about and impressed with, to the old ones of anger, hate, and why bother. By the time I made it home I was in a very very bad mood, and in a very bad place. I realized that I hadn't taken my afternoon antidepressant. I took that, and then I just started taking more of a bunch of things. I have no idea what my goal was. I just knew my head wasn't where I wanted it to be and I wanted that to change.
This morning was a struggle. I woke up not feeling great mentally or physically, and a bit late (as usual, unfortunately). I drove by a liquor store and thought "hm I could call in sick to work and stay home to drink." I thought I was joking, but found myself pulling over and calling in before I knew it. It sounds stupid, but it really felt like it wasn't me anymore. I was acting without ability to stop it. The next thing I knew I was home drinking. As I start to sober up and am thinking about it now there were times that I should've called ppl and I knew that but the bad thoughts had be convinced that I didn't matter to anyone and that no one would want to hear me. That or that I didn't deserve to have people care about me, and that I shouldn't be bothering them with my crap. It was a whole series of bad thoughts and reasons not to get help.
After talking to a very caring friend I finally got it together enough to call my sponsor and leave a message. I also managed to call Stupidface, as he had called in the morning and left a message. (I'd talked to an iop friend over text message in the midst of my pill taking so she had mentioned to him that i might be in trouble). Stupidface basically said that I need to stop drinking (obviously) but that I couldn't let myself think of this as losing everything. That I had to put down the bottle long enough to see reality. He told me to write a letter of what I would say to a friend in my situation. It was strangely soothing to write, but I couldn't read it as a letter to myself. That was just too painful/hard to grasp/whatever.
My sponsor called me back later but she wasn't very helpful. I'm actually a bit pissed at her. She sounded like she was giving up on me. She said I had to take some time to think about if I really wanted to quit drinking, and that I was still welcome at her house for Christmas. I understand what she was saying, but I felt totally abandoned. I was trying to tell her that even though I was drinking I really wanted to stop I just didn't know how. I couldn't stop with it right in front of me, but I also couldn't separate myself from it. To her credit, she had to go work the aa club coffee bar this evening so she didn't have a ton of time, but it still put me in an even worse place and made me want to drink more.
Thankfully I was able to get it together enough to call the local aa hotline. I talked to a couple of ppl there who got me through pouring out the alcohol I had left. I know it sounds ridiculous but that's something I couldn't do on my own. Even though I didn't want to drink it I couldn't leave it alone or throw it out...I just kept drinking it even after making myself sick earlier in the day. It was a little frustrating cus they kept passing me off to different ppl. I guess most ppl don't get super attached to someone after 2 minutes talking to them but I do. The first 2 ppl I talked to were great...but then the one said she was gonna give me 15 min. to eat something (hadn't eaten all day that I could figure out) and then she'd call me back. Instead this other girl called that was less than helpful. She called and said "Hi I heard you need a 12th step call" which I guess is what all this is called in aa but I don't really know....I told her I didn't know what that meant and she said "well you've been sober for like 2 years right?" ummm....no. I'm guessing they had her call me because she was younger, and the next thing she asked me was how old I am (which by the way seemed totally awkward cus I don't think I sound that young!). Anyway she and I are the same age....I guess they didn't know I almost never get along w/ppl my own age! lol This girl seemed fine but she said fuck every other word and drove me crazy! (Not that cussing bothers me, but that style of speaking makes me want to smack people. And it was really not comforting in the way I needed).
Well I'd better go to bed. I've been trying to will myself to eat the 2nd half of my pb&j but it's just not gonna happen. It's time I try to sleep. I'd hoped that drinking would make me sleep easier/better since falling asleep sober still sucks, but my head just seems too confused to do much of anything. I know I have more to say but I'm still a bit on the drunk side so it's prob. best I wait. Also I've finally reached the point that i'm fairly certain I can get off the couch and make it to my bedroom without puking my guts out.
Oh, speaking of that, I should add that i'm living in a temporary apartment in the same complex now. It's not really clear to me how long-term this is, and it's hard to get good info bc no one is around bc of the holidays. It's super nice and filled with furniture way nicer than I can see myself owning in any foreseeable future. But if anything having this nice place is more of a trigger. I was excited about it at first, but now it's like rubbing in my face how not my apartment it is. My place was pretty much nothing in the eyes of most ppl. All the furniture I had was a beanbag and an air mattress. But that's my beanbag and air mattress. It had everything that I'd worked so hard for. It had my bathroom that I'd decorated myself and was so proud of. Again decorating a bathroom is a small thing to most of the world, but this is something I'd done to make this place my own. It was this amazing new start I'd created after all the crazy issues of being kicked out of my summer place. Anyway...there's a lot I could say here but need to stop myself from getting any deeper in to it right now.
I know I should be grateful for something tonight but I have no idea what. I'm just overwhelmed by everything right now. I guess I'm grateful that it might be possible for me to keep this relapse to just one day. My iop friend who relapsed recently disappeared off the face of the earth for a full 2 weeks before she was able to call anyone or do anything to get back on track. If I can hold this together I might not even cause issues with my job...which would be a miracle.
I should add at the end of this that I'm getting much closer to sober but I'm not claiming full sobriety so I have no idea if this is coherent.
You are here and even though it is a blog you are being honest with yourself and that is pretty hard to do sometimes! Your sponsor was not trying to discourage you but remind you that the choice to be sober is yours, she can encourage you and talk with you but it is your choice. Have you ever tried to convince someone to do something that they are set against doing?
ReplyDeleteIf you are wanting to be sober this is the time of year to surround yourself with people that have the same goals. They may not be your favorite people or even the most comfortable to be around but if they are people that can help to keep you sober (during this season of drinking for many people!) it might be a good idea to force yourself to hang out with them.
You have had to deal with many changes over the past few weeks, some excpected and some not. Please don't sabotage yourself, it is NOT necessary at all. You have been doing a great job and you should be proud of yourself for the progress you have made.
The road that you travel is still there for you, this was simply a speedbump. You slowed down and went over the speedbump, now get back on the road and keep going! You can do this!