Tonight is my last night at the spa! Unfortunately, the good news stops there. I'm not going back to my apartment. I got a call from the manager of the complex this morning (I knew it was bad when they had the manager doing it!). She said I won't be able to be back in my apartment until after the holidays, and there is a possibility that I won't be able to at all. I don't really understand how it all works, but apparently the asbestos levels are bad enough that none of my "porous" stuff is safe...and they may never be. At first I was just thinking about my clothes (they told me to expect to be gone for 3 days, so that's what I packed for....thankfully I also brought my laundry!). But now I keep thinking of all the important stuff I have in there...my teddy bear I've had since I was a little kid. The beanbag I got as a highschool graduation present that has been with me pretty much everywhere I've lived. The christmas presents I made for people. The art project I've spent hours working on. Many of these things I considered taking at the time, but then told myself I was being silly. I was already taking a ridiculous amount of stuff for just being gone for a weekend. I wish I'd just grabbed it all then...but I guess I wouldn't want all the art stuff getting banged around in my car anyway.
I've been having a hard time with all of this. I've been proud of myself for how I'm handling challenges, but I feel like I'm hitting my breaking point. When I stopped at the grocery store after work and saw the liquor store in the same parking lot, it took some serious deliberating to decide which door to walk through. I just feel so ready to say "fuck it." All my efforts at doing the right thing, taking care of business, etc. are getting thrown back in my face. I've been able to recognize each time that it could be worse...at least I don't have kids or pets I'm having to deal with...at least I have a job now...at least the apt folks are giving me a place to stay...etc. etc. but my "at least" muscle is wearing out. I had a good talk w/my sponsor though and I'm doing what I can to stay strong.
But just when I thought nothing good would come of this...no gratitude to be found...I had a revelation. I was telling a friend what was going on and she was talking about wishing on a star for me. She asked me what i'd want her to wish for. I gave it some thought and said that my biggest wish is to be able to live in the present and enjoy skiing and enjoy the holidays without spending excess time worrying about the "what ifs" of the apartment situation, which I have absolutely no control over. I've only just put it together now after giving it some more thought...but how freakin' amazing is that? The River of just a few months ago would SO not recognize me now! The River of a few months ago wouldn't have ever dreamed of a wish like that, and wouldn't have had those words to say. I didn't wish for my stuff to be safe. I didn't wish to get my stuff back, to get back into my apartment soon, or for all this ridiculous crap to stop happening and give me a break (though that last one would be awfully nice). I didn't wish for everything to go well and have a nice happy ending. My biggest wish was (and is) simply for the ability to experience and embrace the joys of the present.
Yeah apparently all this therapy stuff is having an effect or something.
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I'm grateful for all these neat little revelations that seem to appear from out of the crap. I seem to be having a lot of them lately.
I don't know if this will help you at all but I want you to know that sometimes we all feel like we have just had enough! I read all of your posts and I can tell you that I would probably be at a point that I felt overwhelmed as well! I say this because I don't want you to think that just because you are feeling stress or frustration that it means you are not making progress. I love that you are able to recognize that your reactions to the different situations have changed over time, that alone is a big deal!
ReplyDeleteYou have been a fighter, you have used your voice to get the help you need and taken the steps that have brought you this far. I have to say that each time I read your blog I am amazed at the things you have accomplished. You really do inspire me and I hope that you continue to follow this path.