Sabotage

I got a job this weekend. And then I almost lost it.

The job is teaching skiing at a local resort, which is perfect for me. I officially got it on saturday, and all I had to do to confirm it was to go to the resort on sunday to fill out paperwork. I figured I might as well make a day of it and go up early and ski for the day.

Instead, I left so late that not only did I not ski but I almost missed business hours entirely, which would've lost me the job! I knew what I needed to do. I'd thought it through in my head many times. I was also super excited about getting to go ski for a day, since I haven't been yet this year. But when it came right down to it, I just...didn't.

Its been going this way with a lot of things. Every time something starts to feel good, or I see it helping, I tend to run the other way. I started feeling really good when I was going for walks daily. And then I stopped. I found a rec center I could afford so I could work out now while it's cold. I was super excited, but I have yet to go. I started feeling comfortable at AA meetings...and actually good about going. And then I stopped going to those too. After my beautiful, amazing moment I described in my last post...after enjoying it for a few minutes, it was like my brain took off running to the worst, ugliest images it could come up with, because I didn't know how to handle feeling good. I have so many techniques that I know would help me feel better. These are things that would take mere minutes to do and would help a ton. But I don't do them. I let myself continue to hurt, and sometimes I even make it worse.

This isn't new. It seems my body has always fought against things that help me feel better. I remember countless times trying so hard to ask someone for help, and instead sitting there staring at the phone but not dialing. I'd attempt to write an email to someone and instead sit there staring at a blank screen, at a complete loss for words. But the words are SCREAMING at me inside, they just don't come out. There's so much inside me....so much knowledge of how to fight this, but none of it seems to reach the surface. It makes it hurt all the more because I can visualize where I want to be, and I can even see the steps to get there but I just can't start. It creates so much anger and frustration inside because I feel stupid and useless for not doing what I know I should've. It also makes me blame myself for everything that's wrong, and then spend the time telling myself I deserve the pain and this hole i've dug, rather than trying to fight to get out. A lot of my self injury stuff comes from here and the desire to punish.

This has been going on for a long time, but I believe the difference now is that I can recognize it for what it is. I can see without a doubt that some part of my brain is sabotaging every effort I make to feel better. I can't understand the why or the what to do about it or any of that, but I can step back enough to see that it's happening. Of course, part of the problem is this keeps me from being able to speak up to the people who need to hear this....the people who could help me with it. It's hard to explain really...but while I so badly want to talk about this there's just this other force that's so so strong that pushes me in to silence. It's like I can open my mouth but no sound comes out. Instead it pushes me in to total silence because the warring sides cause so much confusion that I have no idea at all what to say or do. If I'm not careful I end up shutting down entirely and hiding out, which gets very dangerous.

That started to happen this weekend. A very close friend called and I not only avoided answering but I didn't listen to her message. Still haven't. The job thing is another example. Earlier today someone was knocking at the door so I sat in total silence so I could pretend I wasn't there. They knocked again so I turned off all the sound on everything and sat there in complete silence. Granted no one except for one friend actually knows where I live and she has a key. Generally when someone knocks it's someone inviting me to their church, advertising for their restaurant, etc. It wasn't anything important, but I think it's telling that I had such a strong adverse reaction to something so simple. The knocks kept happening, which was weird, so I finally opened the door to find a little boy, maybe 5, who apparently had the wrong apartment. He looked up at me and said "Hi, can your kid play?" I told him I didn't have a kid and he seemed stumped. Cute, and definitely not something to be "afraid" of. In the midst of all this I got a text from another friend and I just kept getting more and more freaked out and angry. All I could think about was curling up a corner somewhere and shutting out the world. Thankfully I was able to push through enough to get to the resort and get the paperwork in and even have dinner w/a friend, but there's a lot of unsettled stuff goin on inside.

Last night I called someone I met at an AA meeting (a big accomplishment in itself, btw). I was feeling really crappy for reasons I couldn't explain...since I should've been excited about my new job. Instead I had this gut feeling of terror, was shaking, etc. I tried to reach out to friends but with no success. I pulled out the daily meditation book that this woman had gotten for me and started to read. As I did, her number fell out (I'd forgotten I'd tucked it in there). It felt like such a sign that she was the one I was supposed to call, and I felt this strange calmness while dialing the number. Totally a god thing! She answered and I introduced myself and reminded her who I was. She said she was glad I called and asked how my week had been. And right there I broke down sobbing. It was the huge release I'd needed so badly, though I still couldn't explain it. She was amazing and so so helpful to me. She talked me through it and kept telling me how great it was that i'd called...and that that's a sign that I'm really trying and I really do want to get better. She was the one who helped me recognize all this self-sabotage stuff for what it is, and she said she totally understood that I was scared and crying rather than excited for the job. She said it's all part of the disease of alcoholism...that it tells us that we'll always be miserable no matter what good there is in our lives, until we go back to drinking. I'm not sure what I think of that really but it was so so amazing to hear this other person describing exactly what I was feeling inside but couldn't put in to words. There's gotta be some truth to it because she really got it.

We talked for a long time, and I agreed to go to a meeting with her on Tuesday. It's a women's meeting that a lot of ppl have been recommending to me so I think it will be good. I'm wondering if I can ask this woman to sponsor me cus I feel like I connect w/her, but I don't really get how all that works. She did mention that she's been a sponsor, so maybe she'd be willing. She said that this meeting we're going to is where she found her sponsor....and she found them just by realizing she needed someone and asking the person who happened to be sitting next to her if they'd do it. Anyway, I'm wondering if she's thinkin bout that too cus she said we'd go to the meeting on tuesday and then "we'd take it from there." Then again maybe I'm thinking way too much in to this, like I always do. But I keep hearing again and again that I need to get a sponsor. I like the idea...I need all the help I can get. Maybe I'm sabotaging on that too. At least I've been able to "say" all this here. It may sound strange but it feels hugely positive to me that I've been able to write this. It's not quite speaking it out loud to a therapist, but it's so so much better than holding it all inside until i want to explode.