So I had my individual session w/stupidface today. I have to say it was a hard one. I feel like I'm at a bit of a crossroads. Lately my individual sessions have felt a bit useless. It just feels like there hasn't been a lot to talk about. It also feels like my past issues are the giant elephant in the room that we're both dancing around. The thing is, we tried to talk about it one day and I freaked. I dissociated, couldn't look at him, etc. But they are definitely causing me problems right now.
I thought today was going to be different as far as having stuff to talk about due to the cutting episode. But stupidface wasn't real concerned about that. He also didn't have any sage advice about not letting the sabotaging monkey thoughts sneak up on me like they did, except for the stuff that I'm already doing. He says that he's happy with my overall behaviors these days, and that learning better ways to deal with the trauma memories will come. I said that I am really unhappy with what happened, which I am, and that I feel like sobriety should involve giving up cutting too. He agrees that cutting isn't a good thing, but he's not as anxious to make it a priority as I am. He says it's just a sign that I need to keep working on different way to respond to stressful situations, emotions, etc. and to strengthen the good responses that I know.
Anyway this all brought up some big questions about where to go from here as far as our individual sessions, dealing with the trauma stuff, etc. There's a few issues. The first is whether or not we should start focusing specifically on what happened. I'm not at all anxious to start picking through it, but I want to do whatever it takes to get better and not let the memories and flashbacks have so much control over myself today. If that means (slowly) telling someone what happened, then so be it. Stupidface suggested that he wants me to be stronger in sobriety before delving in to any trauma stuff...meaning at least 3 months (I hit 2 months yesterday, by the way. :) ). I understand his point...I don't want to be getting in to difficult stuff that's going to push me towards drinking. However the flip side of that is that it feels like the unresolved trauma stuff is a big driving force pushing me towards a drink. My "outside" life isn't all that stressful, but in my head a war is being waged and some days I'm desperate to shut it up. So stupidface suggested that I call this place in town that offers a SA support group. I'd heard of this place before (learned about it through school and my dr mentioned it) and thought it wasn't a bad idea, at least to look in to. Of course when I started reading a bit more in depth on their website (now that I have a better understanding of how group therapy works I wanted to read more of the specifics) I quickly reached the point of feeling like I was about to vomit, and shut it down. So for now that seems to say I'm definitely not ready! Anyway, when Stupidface was mentioning this he said that I should ask them if I was a good candidate for a group, and that maybe they'd put me in one or refer me to a therapist. Wait, what?
I asked him why I couldn't just see him. That got us in to a whole new discussion about whether or not he can be the one to help me through trauma stuff. He said he's not a trauma therapist, and thought i might be better off with someone specifically focused on that. (He also had another reason he mentioned why it might not be a good idea, which I can't remember now and it's driving me crazy!). He also said it might be a bad idea because he's male and that might make things harder for me. I'm wondering if that comment came from the time I freaked out when I told him I was mad at him for being male. I'm really regretting that whole encounter because I feel it's made him hesitant to push me for fear of upsetting me again. The thing is, I want and need to be pushed. Anyway, I told him that I wasn't sure about the other stuff, but that the gender issue didn't bother me because he was the first t I'd felt at all comfortable with in years of trying therapy. As soon as I said it I realized I'd "slipped." He got a sly smile on his face and said, "You trust me, don't you?" Yeah I guess I do. As much as I'm able to. That was pretty crazy to admit to him. He pulled out his humor then, which I do enjoy, and said "but we had a break-up so early on in our relationship!" (when he became stupidface to me). We had a good laugh about our getting back together and "rekindling the relationship"...
He is good at getting me laughing...which was especially good today cus I was in a bad place when I came in. I didn't think I was, but I'm carrying around a lot of extra anger right now. He repeatedly pushed me to talk about something I told him I didn't want to talk about (not because it was anything overly personal, I just didn't really see a point to discussing it) and I got pissed and refused to talk at all. When he asked me why I yelled at him about how the rule is supposed to be that I don't have to talk about anything I don't want to and how can I trust him on that with bigger issues if he won't stick to it for smaller stuff. Of course that goes back to the fact that I do want him to push me but yet being pushed scares me. He said he felt like I was wanting him closer and yet pushing him away all at once. Yep. Welcome to my world. Story of my life. I told him I didn't know what I wanted and he agreed. (Funny story...I've been watching Girl Interrupted for a project for school...there's a scene in there where the main character is talking to her therapist about the word ambivalent and what exactly it means, and how it doesn't mean not caring but actually means being pulled both directions. So today Stupidface was talking about how I'm ambivalent because I really want things both ways. Just a funny parallel cus I was just presenting this scene to my class last Thursday! lol).
Ok I'm realizing right now that I am never, ever going to write a short blog entry. This was supposed to be quick. I thought I had nothing really to say. Ha. And I'm only half way done.
The other issue that came up today was about moving on with the AA steps. To continue on from where I am now, the steps move in to digging into the past to bring up resentments. My sponsor has been saying through all my flashback stuff that we need to hurry up to get to that step because it's clear that my resentments are causing me major problems. Now Stupidface today said I should wait until I'm 4-5 months sober before I start in to any of that, because there's too much risk of it snowballing and getting too big for me to handle. And even if I try to take it slow, it's likely for one memory to lead to another and another and another. I totally agree with him, but I also agree with my sponsor who says that we need to keep moving so I don't build up more fear around it and build up my fears and resentments even bigger than they already are. They already control me, and they're too big to be swept under the rug. I also have seen good things happen through the step work....I definitely don't want to stop even though I know it'll be hard. My sponsor's answer to the danger of the snowballing memories is that that's why there's step 3 first, so you learn to trust a higher power for strength and support when you feel vulnerable, weak, and overwhelmed. I get where she's coming from, but I also realize that she doesn't understand trauma to the extent of mine.
So that's another big question mark right now. And it's another spot where both sides make total sense, but yet there could be bad consequences if I pick wrong. I have no idea what the next step is. I had really hoped Stupidface would give me some direction but he seemed just as confused as I am. Of course he said that it's up to me to decide what's right for me, but I think the honest truth is that he has no idea. I could be wrong, but that's my impression. For now the option I am somewhat leaning towards is going to an ACOA (adult children of alcoholics) meeting. There are a few listed for my area. I emailed the contact person for one a while back and never heard back. I get the distinct impression that it doesn't really exist. But today I found a new listing that's actually closer to me, and is at one of the local AA clubs so it seems more likely to be a current listing. I'm thinking maybe for now that can be a middle ground to everything else. It has the overcoming the past aspect, the understanding of the 12 steps, but not necessarily an abuse focus. I'm trying to get up the courage to get in touch with the contact person for this other meeting. We'll see.
For now...I guess I'm grateful to still be sober so I can have this dilemma.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
And I helped!
Ok so it wasn't shake and bake, but I did help! :)
Let me back up a bit. As you can see from my last post things are a struggle for me right now. I've been talking to everyone who will talk to me for as long as they'll talk to me, both for the distraction and to collect ideas on how to save me from myself. Everyone has a different perspective and different ideas, so I like to hear as many as I can.
Yesterday afternoon I'd called an AA friend of mine. This is the person that I met through the AA hotline after I had my relapse and had called in desperation. She got me to meetings on Christmas Eve and introduced me to some people. Basically she found me a place where I could park myself and stay safe from going out drinking more. I'm pretty sure that's the only time we've spent together face to face, but we've talked on the phone a lot since then. She's been amazingly understanding to me, and put up with me calling her almost constantly for weeks. Since she's a morning person, I would call her on my way to work in the morning and stay on the phone with her until I was safely past all the liquor stores and on the right road to work. (During this time after relapse the little voice in my head was constantly convincing me that calling in sick and going to the liquor store was a much better option than work).
Anyway, she wasn't there when I called her so I left a message. She called this morning, which was good since I'd planned on going to an early morning meeting but wussed out and stayed in bed. So, this friend's call got me awake and going. (She felt bad for waking me up but I was grateful). We talked for a while and then decided to meet for lunch. I was a little nervous since I didn't even remember what she looks like, but she's just one of those amazingly calming people. It's hard not to feel at peace around her. (Oh, and to combat the don't remember what she looks like thing I got there first and hung out with a book so she had to be the one to come find me! lol Granted her memory of the day we spent together is far less fuzzy than mine). We had a great time talking about anything and everything, and easily filled up her whole lunch hour. She was really reassuring to me because she told me that her first 9 months of sobriety were really rough for her and she wanted to drink daily. I know that doesn't sound reassuring but I was starting to wonder what was wrong with me because so many people talk about being relieved of the desire to drink as soon as they got away from the initial withdrawals/cravings and started working the steps. That has SO not been the case for me. I've had relief some days but some days it's as strong as ever! She was also really supportive about the success i've had, which is nice to hear. AA is big on tough love (and I do get it takes that to overcome addiction, because overcoming addiction requires really hard work) but sometimes it's just nice to have some lovely love too. It feels good to have someone say i'm doing well and just be understanding and supportive.
Soooo....I left lunch in a much happier place than I've been in a while. I walked out of the restaurant and there was a car stuck in the ice on the street near where i'd parked. (It seems the car had made itself a sink hole and the girl driving couldn't get it out). There were two guys pushing but they were sliding on the ice so they just couldn't get it out. I started to walk past because they seemed to have it handled but then I started thinking of what so many people have told me lately...that the best way to get out of your own head is to help someone else. I asked if they needed another hand and they didn't really respond one way or the other (except to say that it was hard because they were sliding on the ice...maybe they were trying to be manly). I put my stuff down and went over to push with the two guys. Within seconds we had it out. To my surprise the girl shouted thank you and the two guys walked off in different directions. I had assumed that the trio was together but it turns out the two guys had seen her struggling and stopped to help. I don't know if I would've been the first to stop...I don't know that it would've even occurred to me, but it was really cool to be a part of the end result. The girl was thanking everyone profusely, but I almost wanted to thank her for getting stuck and giving me the opportunity to be useful. I really, really needed it.
It also made me realize something. I've done a pretty good job of getting out of wanting to help for the recognition of it. I've been really enjoying picking up trash around my apartment building and doing little, silent things like that to make the world a bit nicer. But I'm not out of it fully. I could've cared less about recognition from the girl driving, but I instantly wanted to call my sponsor and jump around like a little kid and say "I did it! I did it! I helped! I helped!" I guess i'm looking for a new kind of recognition now. I want to share the good feelings i experienced with someone, and I want to tell the people who have been dealing with the whiney struggling version of me that at least for right now I feel worthwhile. (I have to wait 'til this evening to call my sponsor because she's not home yet, so for now I get to share it with you all).
The end result of this story is that afterwards I drove to campus and got one of the best parking spots...close, and right next to the pay machine so I don't have to walk far out of my way. It's the kind of spot you NEVER get in the middle of the day. (And it may sound silly but it's important to me since it's dark when I get out of my night class and I don't like walking across campus in the dark). I'm taking it as happy karma raining down on me. :)
I don't think I need to add a gratitude on the end of this because this whole post is pretty much a gratitude, but just to stick with tradition...I'm grateful that I stuck with sobriety long enough to have this day. I almost didn't make it last night. I almost lost it all over the bad thoughts. I'm grateful I made it through the crap and back into the sunshine.
Let me back up a bit. As you can see from my last post things are a struggle for me right now. I've been talking to everyone who will talk to me for as long as they'll talk to me, both for the distraction and to collect ideas on how to save me from myself. Everyone has a different perspective and different ideas, so I like to hear as many as I can.
Yesterday afternoon I'd called an AA friend of mine. This is the person that I met through the AA hotline after I had my relapse and had called in desperation. She got me to meetings on Christmas Eve and introduced me to some people. Basically she found me a place where I could park myself and stay safe from going out drinking more. I'm pretty sure that's the only time we've spent together face to face, but we've talked on the phone a lot since then. She's been amazingly understanding to me, and put up with me calling her almost constantly for weeks. Since she's a morning person, I would call her on my way to work in the morning and stay on the phone with her until I was safely past all the liquor stores and on the right road to work. (During this time after relapse the little voice in my head was constantly convincing me that calling in sick and going to the liquor store was a much better option than work).
Anyway, she wasn't there when I called her so I left a message. She called this morning, which was good since I'd planned on going to an early morning meeting but wussed out and stayed in bed. So, this friend's call got me awake and going. (She felt bad for waking me up but I was grateful). We talked for a while and then decided to meet for lunch. I was a little nervous since I didn't even remember what she looks like, but she's just one of those amazingly calming people. It's hard not to feel at peace around her. (Oh, and to combat the don't remember what she looks like thing I got there first and hung out with a book so she had to be the one to come find me! lol Granted her memory of the day we spent together is far less fuzzy than mine). We had a great time talking about anything and everything, and easily filled up her whole lunch hour. She was really reassuring to me because she told me that her first 9 months of sobriety were really rough for her and she wanted to drink daily. I know that doesn't sound reassuring but I was starting to wonder what was wrong with me because so many people talk about being relieved of the desire to drink as soon as they got away from the initial withdrawals/cravings and started working the steps. That has SO not been the case for me. I've had relief some days but some days it's as strong as ever! She was also really supportive about the success i've had, which is nice to hear. AA is big on tough love (and I do get it takes that to overcome addiction, because overcoming addiction requires really hard work) but sometimes it's just nice to have some lovely love too. It feels good to have someone say i'm doing well and just be understanding and supportive.
Soooo....I left lunch in a much happier place than I've been in a while. I walked out of the restaurant and there was a car stuck in the ice on the street near where i'd parked. (It seems the car had made itself a sink hole and the girl driving couldn't get it out). There were two guys pushing but they were sliding on the ice so they just couldn't get it out. I started to walk past because they seemed to have it handled but then I started thinking of what so many people have told me lately...that the best way to get out of your own head is to help someone else. I asked if they needed another hand and they didn't really respond one way or the other (except to say that it was hard because they were sliding on the ice...maybe they were trying to be manly). I put my stuff down and went over to push with the two guys. Within seconds we had it out. To my surprise the girl shouted thank you and the two guys walked off in different directions. I had assumed that the trio was together but it turns out the two guys had seen her struggling and stopped to help. I don't know if I would've been the first to stop...I don't know that it would've even occurred to me, but it was really cool to be a part of the end result. The girl was thanking everyone profusely, but I almost wanted to thank her for getting stuck and giving me the opportunity to be useful. I really, really needed it.
It also made me realize something. I've done a pretty good job of getting out of wanting to help for the recognition of it. I've been really enjoying picking up trash around my apartment building and doing little, silent things like that to make the world a bit nicer. But I'm not out of it fully. I could've cared less about recognition from the girl driving, but I instantly wanted to call my sponsor and jump around like a little kid and say "I did it! I did it! I helped! I helped!" I guess i'm looking for a new kind of recognition now. I want to share the good feelings i experienced with someone, and I want to tell the people who have been dealing with the whiney struggling version of me that at least for right now I feel worthwhile. (I have to wait 'til this evening to call my sponsor because she's not home yet, so for now I get to share it with you all).
The end result of this story is that afterwards I drove to campus and got one of the best parking spots...close, and right next to the pay machine so I don't have to walk far out of my way. It's the kind of spot you NEVER get in the middle of the day. (And it may sound silly but it's important to me since it's dark when I get out of my night class and I don't like walking across campus in the dark). I'm taking it as happy karma raining down on me. :)
I don't think I need to add a gratitude on the end of this because this whole post is pretty much a gratitude, but just to stick with tradition...I'm grateful that I stuck with sobriety long enough to have this day. I almost didn't make it last night. I almost lost it all over the bad thoughts. I'm grateful I made it through the crap and back into the sunshine.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Oops
So it was rough today. The memories are just awful. I'm not dealing well with this mom stuff. I can't get past the anger at her or the self-hatred. I missed IOP this morning due to sleep issues, which didn't help anything. The end result was a lot of terrible shit in my head and too much time to think about it. I didn't drink, but I did hurt myself. In many ways that feels just as much like a relapse. The thing is, it doesn't matter the substance. It's the concept of rushing to the quick fix when stuff gets bad. It's the subconscious excuse making that gets me in trouble before I even realize what's happening.
For example, I'd strongly sworn off cutting after the last time I did it in October. When I'd done it then it got really bad. It became an absolute obsession and I heard this voice in my head that didn't feel like my own just wanting more blood and deeper cuts. I covered myself with wounds that bled a lot, and even likely did some muscle damage, making it hard to walk without pain for a while after...and even longer to be able to run. This all made me realize how dangerous it was getting for me, and it was enough to say no more with a strong degree of confidence.
Even today I was convinced I wasn't going to cut. But these thoughts started creeping in to my head about how I'd never burned myself before, but that might be an interesting way to do it. I'd had these thoughts before, with no idea where they came from. Somehow I managed to convince myself that burning wasn't cutting, and was therefore ok. And that's what I did. And now I feel like crap about it.
The thing is, I know logically that burning is self injury, just like cutting, and that I don't want to do it. But that little voice weaseled it's way in there and the next thing I knew I was doing it. This is so scary because I also really don't want to drink but I often have that little voice sneaking in...if I just have a drink out of someone else's that wouldn't be too bad...i'm not like those other alcoholics, i can handle one drink....i've got friends looking out for me, they won't let me get in too much trouble...etc. etc. There's so many examples. I have to get a handle on it or I'll end up back where I was before I know it. I can't take the risk of being back in that horrible place I was in before the hospital. And I truly believe that going back to drinking will send me back there, because it takes away my will to keep trying and my ability to think straight enough to know what to do to fight.
I'm definitely on edge right now. I'm frustrated. I feel like I'm doing everything i'm supposed to...i'm going to meetings, I'm calling my sponsor, i'm doing what she tells me to, i'm doing my best to pray, etc. etc. and I feel like I'm edging ever closer to relapse. I know I'm not the first person with PTSD to ever get sober but holy hell it's hard. I also know that everyone has their challenges with getting sober and it's not easy for anyone. But when there's a war like this going on in my head, i don't know how to fight. The only way i've ever known is to reach for a drink or reach for something to hurt myself with. I'm doing everything I can...at least I think I am...but I feel like I'm losing to these thoughts. Even when I think I'm doing ok these thoughts creep in and I'm afraid that soon they'll get the better of me.
Please say a prayer for me. I'm also open to suggestions if anyone's got any.
---------------
I'm thankful for Sonya, who is actually my friend's sponsor, but she was really there for me tonight. I wanted to say something about how much I was struggling during the meeting but I didn't have a chance to. There wasn't really anyone I could approach after the meeting either (one woman who is also relatively new talked about some big stuff during the meeting so a lot of ppl were talking to her and I didn't want to interrupt). I actually walked out of the meeting place and was on my way to my car when I realized it was a bad idea. More than likely I was on my way to the liquor store, not straight home. I walked back into the meeting place but didn't know how to start a conversation w/anyone. I putzed around for a bit and sonya saw me and asked how I was. She was talking to someone else too so i sorta just shook my head and tried to say not so good. She came over to me and I ended up sobbing my eyes out to her. She was amazing and comforting, and offered some really good suggestions. Turns out she really understands PTSD where my sponsor doesn't. My sponsor means well but she says things like "just leave it in the past" and "don't you see those are lies?" (when I talk about feeling at fault for stuff, or otherwise hating myself because of what happened). I had no idea Sonya would be able to relate to any of that, but it was clear from the time I first started talking with her that she could. I guess that makes it a god thing too, that I found my way back in to the meeting place, she happened to still be there and open up a conversation (i didn't want to interrupt her conversation when I just felt like crying), and that she happened to be someone who could really relate. So I guess I'm grateful to god too. (as much as i sometimes hate to admit it! lol)
For example, I'd strongly sworn off cutting after the last time I did it in October. When I'd done it then it got really bad. It became an absolute obsession and I heard this voice in my head that didn't feel like my own just wanting more blood and deeper cuts. I covered myself with wounds that bled a lot, and even likely did some muscle damage, making it hard to walk without pain for a while after...and even longer to be able to run. This all made me realize how dangerous it was getting for me, and it was enough to say no more with a strong degree of confidence.
Even today I was convinced I wasn't going to cut. But these thoughts started creeping in to my head about how I'd never burned myself before, but that might be an interesting way to do it. I'd had these thoughts before, with no idea where they came from. Somehow I managed to convince myself that burning wasn't cutting, and was therefore ok. And that's what I did. And now I feel like crap about it.
The thing is, I know logically that burning is self injury, just like cutting, and that I don't want to do it. But that little voice weaseled it's way in there and the next thing I knew I was doing it. This is so scary because I also really don't want to drink but I often have that little voice sneaking in...if I just have a drink out of someone else's that wouldn't be too bad...i'm not like those other alcoholics, i can handle one drink....i've got friends looking out for me, they won't let me get in too much trouble...etc. etc. There's so many examples. I have to get a handle on it or I'll end up back where I was before I know it. I can't take the risk of being back in that horrible place I was in before the hospital. And I truly believe that going back to drinking will send me back there, because it takes away my will to keep trying and my ability to think straight enough to know what to do to fight.
I'm definitely on edge right now. I'm frustrated. I feel like I'm doing everything i'm supposed to...i'm going to meetings, I'm calling my sponsor, i'm doing what she tells me to, i'm doing my best to pray, etc. etc. and I feel like I'm edging ever closer to relapse. I know I'm not the first person with PTSD to ever get sober but holy hell it's hard. I also know that everyone has their challenges with getting sober and it's not easy for anyone. But when there's a war like this going on in my head, i don't know how to fight. The only way i've ever known is to reach for a drink or reach for something to hurt myself with. I'm doing everything I can...at least I think I am...but I feel like I'm losing to these thoughts. Even when I think I'm doing ok these thoughts creep in and I'm afraid that soon they'll get the better of me.
Please say a prayer for me. I'm also open to suggestions if anyone's got any.
---------------
I'm thankful for Sonya, who is actually my friend's sponsor, but she was really there for me tonight. I wanted to say something about how much I was struggling during the meeting but I didn't have a chance to. There wasn't really anyone I could approach after the meeting either (one woman who is also relatively new talked about some big stuff during the meeting so a lot of ppl were talking to her and I didn't want to interrupt). I actually walked out of the meeting place and was on my way to my car when I realized it was a bad idea. More than likely I was on my way to the liquor store, not straight home. I walked back into the meeting place but didn't know how to start a conversation w/anyone. I putzed around for a bit and sonya saw me and asked how I was. She was talking to someone else too so i sorta just shook my head and tried to say not so good. She came over to me and I ended up sobbing my eyes out to her. She was amazing and comforting, and offered some really good suggestions. Turns out she really understands PTSD where my sponsor doesn't. My sponsor means well but she says things like "just leave it in the past" and "don't you see those are lies?" (when I talk about feeling at fault for stuff, or otherwise hating myself because of what happened). I had no idea Sonya would be able to relate to any of that, but it was clear from the time I first started talking with her that she could. I guess that makes it a god thing too, that I found my way back in to the meeting place, she happened to still be there and open up a conversation (i didn't want to interrupt her conversation when I just felt like crying), and that she happened to be someone who could really relate. So I guess I'm grateful to god too. (as much as i sometimes hate to admit it! lol)
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Less glowy
I hate my mom.
There I said it. I hate her.
I'm sure that's wrong on many levels but it's where I'm at. I don't know what started these thoughts but they're definitely here now.
She was extremely emotionally abusive. Not quite as involved with the physical stuff, but she was never a mom. She used to hold me down while my dad beat me with a belt. I remember crying to her, mommy please make it stop. I was so young then. She'd look down at me...she could actually look me in the eye and say this...and tell me I deserved what I was getting. That I was a stupid little bitch..a disappointment. She'd yell horrible things at me. That they never wanted a child but especially not one like me. Mostly it's stuff I still can't repeat.
She knew about everything that was happening. She not only knew but she saw...and watched. She was a part of it sometimes. I just wanted her to mother me. At all. I dreamt of having a mommy. I couldn't get that dream out of my head so I let her shit keep hurting me again and again. She'd see me hurting and say "What'd you do this time? You can't do anything right." She was a part of all the control and the torture. One day when I was so young she beat the crap outta me for a stupid mistake...something lots of kids would've done under the same circumstances. She was always horrible to me, and I so badly wanted love from her. And for that, no matter how wrong it is, I hate hate hate her.
But then, I sort of wish I could hate her more, because I can't keep the anger up for long. The thoughts shift to, "What was wrong with me that my own mother couldn't love me?" Isn't the mother/child love thing supposed to be a natural, automatic thing? And yet my mom hated everything about me. From the time I was small she wanted to be rid of me. This is why I believe I was born somehow innately broken, evil, or just plain wrong inside. I wasn't good enough for my own mother, how can I be good enough for anyone else? And then it shifts from hating her to hating me. I hate myself for being dirty/broken/whatever. I just hate everything I guess.
It's not all bad...i'm just overwhelmed by these thoughts right now. I had more I wanted to say but I can't think of it...so I guess that's all for now.
There I said it. I hate her.
I'm sure that's wrong on many levels but it's where I'm at. I don't know what started these thoughts but they're definitely here now.
She was extremely emotionally abusive. Not quite as involved with the physical stuff, but she was never a mom. She used to hold me down while my dad beat me with a belt. I remember crying to her, mommy please make it stop. I was so young then. She'd look down at me...she could actually look me in the eye and say this...and tell me I deserved what I was getting. That I was a stupid little bitch..a disappointment. She'd yell horrible things at me. That they never wanted a child but especially not one like me. Mostly it's stuff I still can't repeat.
She knew about everything that was happening. She not only knew but she saw...and watched. She was a part of it sometimes. I just wanted her to mother me. At all. I dreamt of having a mommy. I couldn't get that dream out of my head so I let her shit keep hurting me again and again. She'd see me hurting and say "What'd you do this time? You can't do anything right." She was a part of all the control and the torture. One day when I was so young she beat the crap outta me for a stupid mistake...something lots of kids would've done under the same circumstances. She was always horrible to me, and I so badly wanted love from her. And for that, no matter how wrong it is, I hate hate hate her.
But then, I sort of wish I could hate her more, because I can't keep the anger up for long. The thoughts shift to, "What was wrong with me that my own mother couldn't love me?" Isn't the mother/child love thing supposed to be a natural, automatic thing? And yet my mom hated everything about me. From the time I was small she wanted to be rid of me. This is why I believe I was born somehow innately broken, evil, or just plain wrong inside. I wasn't good enough for my own mother, how can I be good enough for anyone else? And then it shifts from hating her to hating me. I hate myself for being dirty/broken/whatever. I just hate everything I guess.
It's not all bad...i'm just overwhelmed by these thoughts right now. I had more I wanted to say but I can't think of it...so I guess that's all for now.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Glowy
Something amazing is happening to me.
It starts back on Wednesday evening when I went for a walk. I was watching the sun set over the mountains and this amazing feeling of peace came over me. It felt like my cares were being lifted and I could finally think clearly. I had this beautiful thought that even though I was stressed, somehow everything was going to work out ok. It came to me that this is what giving things over to my higher power is all about. I felt like I didn't have to worry because it wasn't up to me. How cool that this loving, caring, presence was going to deal with the stressing for me. I think it may have been the best I've ever felt before. I was able to just be there in the moment and enjoy that sunset. I felt happy, and it wasn't chemically induced and there were no caveats. I wasn't "happy, except for..." and it wasn't "this would be so nice if only I could stop thinking about..." As corny as it sounds, it felt like my heart was smiling. My smile was coming from deep down inside. I felt, I decided, glowy. I was becoming one of those happy, glowy people that generally annoy the crap outta me. But at this moment, it felt so good to glow.
I had some incredible thoughts during all of this. I realized that I have power in this world. I live in a place where there is a lot of sadness around me, but I have the power to make it better. I can't fix it, but I can be a bright spot rather than a source of further darkness. I realized that I've spent my whole life telling myself that I'm no good; that I'm worthless. But now as an adult and in a safe place, I have power. I don't have to be defined by my past. (If you'd asked me a week ago if I was being defined by my past I would've said absolutely not, but I realize now that I was). I picked up trash all along my walk back home. It took me maybe 30 seconds extra and a little bit of dirt on my hands, but it was badly needed all around my building. It may not have made any huge difference, but I know it made a change, and it felt good.
I'm starting to understand why AA talks about service so much. I'm also starting to see what they mean about getting out of your own head, and out of self pity. I have to stop telling myself I'm worthless, and I have to stop thinking that the world needs to take care of me because of what happened. (Ok I'm still learning to accept care from the world, but I mean in the sense of "well how could I help anyone else when I'm still broken? I'm the one that needs the help.)
This glowy stuff is changing my whole mindset and outlook. You know my neighbor across the hall who always leaves their trash in the hallway? (Ok you may not, it's been a while since i've mentioned her). Normally her trash annoys the crap outta me and gets me grumbly every time I see it. But on wednesday I started thinking, "Wouldn't it be fun to take her trash out for her? She wouldn't know what to think!" Ironically she hasn't left any trash out since then, but what a totally different way for me to think about things. Normally it would be, "Why would I take HER trash out? I have enough of my own crap to deal with!" And then probably go on with a few "This place just drives me crazy sometimes!" or "I just hate these people I'm stuck living next to!" I'm starting to see them as people and realize maybe they have their own struggles, and maybe I can do something nice for them.
Thursday was another glowy day. the clear-headedness stayed with me and I was able to get so much homework done. Usually I really struggle with homework because there's so much else going on in my head that it takes me 10 times as long to focus and think through even easy stuff. But suddenly I found myself focused, getting right to work, and getting stuff done. Thursday night I made cookies for IOP. I have a "secret" recipe that people in iop really like. So I used the free time I had after my meeting to make cookies, just so I could make people smile.
Today during my art group, I noticed that someone had poured paint down the bathroom sink. This is a big no no because there's only one sink set up to deal with paint. The result had left the nice white bathroom sink all black and gross. My first thought was, "ugh..stupid people...sucks for whoever has to clean THAT up!" But then I had a thought. I took the paper towels I was drying my hands with and thought maybe I'd just wipe up a bit of the paint. That went well so I got a few more and finished cleaning up the sink. Likely few knew that the mess ever existed and fewer will know that I cleaned it...and that's ok with me. I'm not bitter towards the person who did it or about "having" to do all that "work." I got to spend a few seconds to make the world nicer.
Wow...weird perspective when you're glowy! lol
----------
I'm slightly less glowy now because I'm dealing with some stressful stuff, but I'm trying to keep the underlying glow going. I'll probably explain the stressful stuff on another post, but it's just too much to get into now. For now, I'm grateful that Becky was back at IOP today. Turns out she only drank the one night when I was there, so even though it was a relapse that's HUGE progress that it didn't take her in to anything long-term. She's still having a very rough time, but I'm grateful that she's come back to handle it sober and is doing ok. I also have to say that I'm grateful that she called me and thanked me for my help. I felt so useless that night but she said that I was her "anchor in stormy seas," and the only part of her life that wasn't chaos. it's always nice to be reminded that you mean something.
It starts back on Wednesday evening when I went for a walk. I was watching the sun set over the mountains and this amazing feeling of peace came over me. It felt like my cares were being lifted and I could finally think clearly. I had this beautiful thought that even though I was stressed, somehow everything was going to work out ok. It came to me that this is what giving things over to my higher power is all about. I felt like I didn't have to worry because it wasn't up to me. How cool that this loving, caring, presence was going to deal with the stressing for me. I think it may have been the best I've ever felt before. I was able to just be there in the moment and enjoy that sunset. I felt happy, and it wasn't chemically induced and there were no caveats. I wasn't "happy, except for..." and it wasn't "this would be so nice if only I could stop thinking about..." As corny as it sounds, it felt like my heart was smiling. My smile was coming from deep down inside. I felt, I decided, glowy. I was becoming one of those happy, glowy people that generally annoy the crap outta me. But at this moment, it felt so good to glow.
I had some incredible thoughts during all of this. I realized that I have power in this world. I live in a place where there is a lot of sadness around me, but I have the power to make it better. I can't fix it, but I can be a bright spot rather than a source of further darkness. I realized that I've spent my whole life telling myself that I'm no good; that I'm worthless. But now as an adult and in a safe place, I have power. I don't have to be defined by my past. (If you'd asked me a week ago if I was being defined by my past I would've said absolutely not, but I realize now that I was). I picked up trash all along my walk back home. It took me maybe 30 seconds extra and a little bit of dirt on my hands, but it was badly needed all around my building. It may not have made any huge difference, but I know it made a change, and it felt good.
I'm starting to understand why AA talks about service so much. I'm also starting to see what they mean about getting out of your own head, and out of self pity. I have to stop telling myself I'm worthless, and I have to stop thinking that the world needs to take care of me because of what happened. (Ok I'm still learning to accept care from the world, but I mean in the sense of "well how could I help anyone else when I'm still broken? I'm the one that needs the help.)
This glowy stuff is changing my whole mindset and outlook. You know my neighbor across the hall who always leaves their trash in the hallway? (Ok you may not, it's been a while since i've mentioned her). Normally her trash annoys the crap outta me and gets me grumbly every time I see it. But on wednesday I started thinking, "Wouldn't it be fun to take her trash out for her? She wouldn't know what to think!" Ironically she hasn't left any trash out since then, but what a totally different way for me to think about things. Normally it would be, "Why would I take HER trash out? I have enough of my own crap to deal with!" And then probably go on with a few "This place just drives me crazy sometimes!" or "I just hate these people I'm stuck living next to!" I'm starting to see them as people and realize maybe they have their own struggles, and maybe I can do something nice for them.
Thursday was another glowy day. the clear-headedness stayed with me and I was able to get so much homework done. Usually I really struggle with homework because there's so much else going on in my head that it takes me 10 times as long to focus and think through even easy stuff. But suddenly I found myself focused, getting right to work, and getting stuff done. Thursday night I made cookies for IOP. I have a "secret" recipe that people in iop really like. So I used the free time I had after my meeting to make cookies, just so I could make people smile.
Today during my art group, I noticed that someone had poured paint down the bathroom sink. This is a big no no because there's only one sink set up to deal with paint. The result had left the nice white bathroom sink all black and gross. My first thought was, "ugh..stupid people...sucks for whoever has to clean THAT up!" But then I had a thought. I took the paper towels I was drying my hands with and thought maybe I'd just wipe up a bit of the paint. That went well so I got a few more and finished cleaning up the sink. Likely few knew that the mess ever existed and fewer will know that I cleaned it...and that's ok with me. I'm not bitter towards the person who did it or about "having" to do all that "work." I got to spend a few seconds to make the world nicer.
Wow...weird perspective when you're glowy! lol
----------
I'm slightly less glowy now because I'm dealing with some stressful stuff, but I'm trying to keep the underlying glow going. I'll probably explain the stressful stuff on another post, but it's just too much to get into now. For now, I'm grateful that Becky was back at IOP today. Turns out she only drank the one night when I was there, so even though it was a relapse that's HUGE progress that it didn't take her in to anything long-term. She's still having a very rough time, but I'm grateful that she's come back to handle it sober and is doing ok. I also have to say that I'm grateful that she called me and thanked me for my help. I felt so useless that night but she said that I was her "anchor in stormy seas," and the only part of her life that wasn't chaos. it's always nice to be reminded that you mean something.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Relapse
Don't worry, not my relapse.
I ended up with a front row seat to a friend's relapse this week. Wow. It was rough. Had I known what was going on I probably wouldn't have put myself in the situation, but with the way it happened I didn't really have the opportunity to step back.
Remember my friend Becky in iop? I've mentioned her before here. She called me for help one night, for someone to talk to, and other nights i've called her when i've been freaking out and feeling worthless. (she's about the nicest person in the world and helps me feel like I'm worth something when I'm feeling lousy).
Becky lost her mom over the weekend, so needless to say she's got a lot going on. It was expected, as her mom had been sick for so long they'd even been praying for her death to let her out of her suffering. But of course that brings up all sorts of other emotions as well. Becky told us about all of this at IOP on monday, and I thought she was surprisingly and impressively together. She was being very honest about her feelings, positive and negative, which struck me as a very good sign. However I was also wondering in the back of my mind if she'd really be able to get through such a huge thing sober. (She's been sober for about 4 months now which sounds like a hugely long time to me but in reality is not long at all).
During my monday night meeting Becky called twice. I'd wanted to step out to answer but i'd suggested the topic for the meeting so i figured it'd really look bad for me to then step out. So I waited until after to call her back. She didn't sound good at all. She was crying and I could barely understand her. I asked her if she wanted me to come over and she said yes. I had hoped that having someone to sit with her for a bit could help her out.
I got there, we sat down on the couch, and she pretty much instantly collapsed on me sobbing. She sobbed and sobbed for what seemed like forever. When she finally started to calm down and we started to talk I realized she wasn't making much sense. I didn't want to ask if she'd been drinking, because I didn't want to offend her on top of everything, but I was getting suspicious. I asked her what she'd been doing earlier and she didn't tell me anything. She started saying repeatedly that she'd fucked up. I eventually did ask if she'd been drinking and she said no, but that she'd wanted to. To add complication to this, Becky has a seizure disorder. She had a seizure last week when she'd been sick (apparently from throwing up her meds) and has some pretty intense bruises from falling during it. So...I was becoming somewhat convinced she'd been drinking but I wanted to believe her, and also felt like the strange behavior could be coming from grief or seizure related stuff.
In the midst of all this her friend from out of state called. Becky refused to talk to him and kept putting me on the phone with him. This friend was very concerned and kept asking me what was going on. I kept having to say I really didn't know, since that was the truth. The friend started getting a bit upset with me, mainly out of concern for Becky I know, but it added stress to the situation. The friend wanted to call Becky's brother, who lives in town, so I got his number for him. I thought that that would be the perfect solution. Brother would come over and know what was going on, comfort her, and we'd move on from there.
Well. That's not the way it worked out. At all. Brother calls, and from a few feet away I can hear him screaming through the phone, "You're fucking drinking again aren't you?! What the fuck are you doing getting all these people worried about you?!" etc. etc. Becky passes the phone over to me so now brother is yelling to me. He says she's obviously drunk, this is what she does, that I should just put her to bed and leave and "if she drinks herself to death then so be it." Then he asks me if i'm her friend from AA and I say yes. Then he starts yelling at me saying how I should know better and be able to see through her bullshit and why can't I just handle it and yada yada. Grrrrrrrr. Suddenly I'm right in the midst of family drama, plus feeling that i'm alone and responsible for all this because i'm the only one physically there with Becky. Brother goes on to say that every time she drinks she has a seizure, but doesn't give me any advice on how to deal with it. Just says that it's "the ugliest fucking thing you'll ever see." The friend had also expressed concern about the seizures. I'm obviously concerned about the seizures. I don't want to leave her alone to have a seizure, but what the hell am I gonna do if she has one with me there?
Becky and I talk a bit more after I hang up with her brother. She admits she has been drinking, but no details of when/where/how much/etc. Our talking is going around in circles and pretty much useless. So I put on the tv hoping we can just relax and watch tv while she sobers up a bit. After a few minutes of that she's back to freaking out and crazy emotions and such. I finally decide there's not much more I can do there, and my presence may just be causing her to freak out more. So I get her to drink some water and then put her to bed. At least that way I knew she made it up the stairs to bed without falling down them. She seemed to settle in but as I left she started screaming for me again. I really didn't feel like going back up to her room was going to do anything other than rile her up again so I left, even with her yelling for me. I felt like a horrible person for doing so.
Sorry to be so long-winded here, but it was a really intense experience for me. I was terrified that i'd done something wrong for her, and that something really bad was going to happen to her and it would be my fault. I planned to call her the next morning but she beat me to it. She asked if I'd dumped out her booze. I told her no I couldn't find it. She told me she couldn't either. lol She said she was wanting to find everything to throw it out so she wouldn't be tempted. That at least sounded promising.
I'd really hoped to see her today at iop but she wasn't there. I told Stupidface everything that'd happened, and he went to call her during one of the breaks. He couldn't get a hold of her so he called the police to do a welfare check. They eventually called back and said they'd spoken to her face to face, she wasn't intoxicated, she wasn't a danger to herself, and she checked out medically. So at least as of this morning she was ok. She's not returning my calls, so I'm having to just take a step back and accept that for now. I'm realizing that this is a very very hard part about this disease. You bond with people in recovery. You have to. But holy crap it hurts to see them fall apart. It was so sad to see Becky in such pain. Scary too. And it's just so painful and frustrating to see that happening but not be able to do a damn thing about it.
It was a small group at iop today so we talked quite a bit about this and relapse in general. Everyone told me I did the right thing, which was reassuring because I felt like I must've done something wrong. Stupidface said I could've called him tuesday, and maybe i should've to have someone check on her sooner, but I was really hoping I'd see Becky today and everything would be more or less ok. Stupidface and my sponsor both said that what I did was a 12 step call, and you should never do that alone. Well for one thing I'm nowhere near ready to do a 12 step anything! I'm on step 3 here! But at the time I had no idea that's what I was doing. I had no idea she was drinking. Once there I really didn't want to be alone. I was actually rather pissed about being there alone because it was all falling on my shoulders. I wanted someone else to be there but I didn't know who to call. Becky doesn't really have any local friends that I know of aside from her family who was useless...and the people we know mutually through iop i didn't have numbers for and i wouldn't have felt comfortable calling them anyway. My sponsor told me I could've and should've called her. Live and learn I guess.
I'm grateful for my own sobriety, but a little overwhelmed I guess. It's a reminder of how close we all are to that first drink and descending down a bad path. Such a crappy, horrible disease we fight.
Other than all of this craziness, things are actually going decently well. I had a good day yesterday, and actually got some stuff done. My sponsor gave me an awesome compliment yesterday evening about how well I'm doing. She's someone who went through hell in early sobriety (I truly don't know how someone could go through what she did and stay sober) so a compliment like that from her is a big deal. It feels really good to hear. Since my class was cancelled yesterday I also got to go to my favorite meeting yesterday evening. I saw some people I haven't seen in a while, and they were also commenting on how well I'm doing. I've never managed to share at this meeting cus it's big and that scares me, but I did last night. Yay! :) So lots of stuff is going right for me and i'm feeling pretty good. It's a good thing too because there's a lot of challenging stuff going on around me. (There were only 3 ppl at iop this morning...and we realized that we're the only 3 out of the usual 7 who haven't relapsed in the recent past).
One last thing...something I've learned lately. Last week was absolutely crappy as far as flashbacks and everything else. It wasn't even one day at a time...it was one minute or even one second at a time. I had to talk myself through every action and I just had no idea how I could possibly get through it without drinking. Flashbacks are a time when I always reached for a drink, and they're so so hard to deal with because you can't fight what's in your head. But the exciting news is that eventually all those seconds added up into minutes, hours, and days. Suddenly it hit me that I had in fact made it through. Even these days that felt like pure hell...I survived. That shows me that I can do it. Even when it's so so bad it really will pass, and I can do it. And that's something that no one can take away from me. I have my sobriety, including that week. I'm up to 54 days now...just a week aways from 2 full months. And from all that chaos comes the knowledge...the fact...that I succeeded despite it all. No one, and nothing, can change that or take it away. That's what I shared in the meeting last night too. My sponsor said afterwards she was surprised to hear me speak. I said yeah, so was I! lol
I ended up with a front row seat to a friend's relapse this week. Wow. It was rough. Had I known what was going on I probably wouldn't have put myself in the situation, but with the way it happened I didn't really have the opportunity to step back.
Remember my friend Becky in iop? I've mentioned her before here. She called me for help one night, for someone to talk to, and other nights i've called her when i've been freaking out and feeling worthless. (she's about the nicest person in the world and helps me feel like I'm worth something when I'm feeling lousy).
Becky lost her mom over the weekend, so needless to say she's got a lot going on. It was expected, as her mom had been sick for so long they'd even been praying for her death to let her out of her suffering. But of course that brings up all sorts of other emotions as well. Becky told us about all of this at IOP on monday, and I thought she was surprisingly and impressively together. She was being very honest about her feelings, positive and negative, which struck me as a very good sign. However I was also wondering in the back of my mind if she'd really be able to get through such a huge thing sober. (She's been sober for about 4 months now which sounds like a hugely long time to me but in reality is not long at all).
During my monday night meeting Becky called twice. I'd wanted to step out to answer but i'd suggested the topic for the meeting so i figured it'd really look bad for me to then step out. So I waited until after to call her back. She didn't sound good at all. She was crying and I could barely understand her. I asked her if she wanted me to come over and she said yes. I had hoped that having someone to sit with her for a bit could help her out.
I got there, we sat down on the couch, and she pretty much instantly collapsed on me sobbing. She sobbed and sobbed for what seemed like forever. When she finally started to calm down and we started to talk I realized she wasn't making much sense. I didn't want to ask if she'd been drinking, because I didn't want to offend her on top of everything, but I was getting suspicious. I asked her what she'd been doing earlier and she didn't tell me anything. She started saying repeatedly that she'd fucked up. I eventually did ask if she'd been drinking and she said no, but that she'd wanted to. To add complication to this, Becky has a seizure disorder. She had a seizure last week when she'd been sick (apparently from throwing up her meds) and has some pretty intense bruises from falling during it. So...I was becoming somewhat convinced she'd been drinking but I wanted to believe her, and also felt like the strange behavior could be coming from grief or seizure related stuff.
In the midst of all this her friend from out of state called. Becky refused to talk to him and kept putting me on the phone with him. This friend was very concerned and kept asking me what was going on. I kept having to say I really didn't know, since that was the truth. The friend started getting a bit upset with me, mainly out of concern for Becky I know, but it added stress to the situation. The friend wanted to call Becky's brother, who lives in town, so I got his number for him. I thought that that would be the perfect solution. Brother would come over and know what was going on, comfort her, and we'd move on from there.
Well. That's not the way it worked out. At all. Brother calls, and from a few feet away I can hear him screaming through the phone, "You're fucking drinking again aren't you?! What the fuck are you doing getting all these people worried about you?!" etc. etc. Becky passes the phone over to me so now brother is yelling to me. He says she's obviously drunk, this is what she does, that I should just put her to bed and leave and "if she drinks herself to death then so be it." Then he asks me if i'm her friend from AA and I say yes. Then he starts yelling at me saying how I should know better and be able to see through her bullshit and why can't I just handle it and yada yada. Grrrrrrrr. Suddenly I'm right in the midst of family drama, plus feeling that i'm alone and responsible for all this because i'm the only one physically there with Becky. Brother goes on to say that every time she drinks she has a seizure, but doesn't give me any advice on how to deal with it. Just says that it's "the ugliest fucking thing you'll ever see." The friend had also expressed concern about the seizures. I'm obviously concerned about the seizures. I don't want to leave her alone to have a seizure, but what the hell am I gonna do if she has one with me there?
Becky and I talk a bit more after I hang up with her brother. She admits she has been drinking, but no details of when/where/how much/etc. Our talking is going around in circles and pretty much useless. So I put on the tv hoping we can just relax and watch tv while she sobers up a bit. After a few minutes of that she's back to freaking out and crazy emotions and such. I finally decide there's not much more I can do there, and my presence may just be causing her to freak out more. So I get her to drink some water and then put her to bed. At least that way I knew she made it up the stairs to bed without falling down them. She seemed to settle in but as I left she started screaming for me again. I really didn't feel like going back up to her room was going to do anything other than rile her up again so I left, even with her yelling for me. I felt like a horrible person for doing so.
Sorry to be so long-winded here, but it was a really intense experience for me. I was terrified that i'd done something wrong for her, and that something really bad was going to happen to her and it would be my fault. I planned to call her the next morning but she beat me to it. She asked if I'd dumped out her booze. I told her no I couldn't find it. She told me she couldn't either. lol She said she was wanting to find everything to throw it out so she wouldn't be tempted. That at least sounded promising.
I'd really hoped to see her today at iop but she wasn't there. I told Stupidface everything that'd happened, and he went to call her during one of the breaks. He couldn't get a hold of her so he called the police to do a welfare check. They eventually called back and said they'd spoken to her face to face, she wasn't intoxicated, she wasn't a danger to herself, and she checked out medically. So at least as of this morning she was ok. She's not returning my calls, so I'm having to just take a step back and accept that for now. I'm realizing that this is a very very hard part about this disease. You bond with people in recovery. You have to. But holy crap it hurts to see them fall apart. It was so sad to see Becky in such pain. Scary too. And it's just so painful and frustrating to see that happening but not be able to do a damn thing about it.
It was a small group at iop today so we talked quite a bit about this and relapse in general. Everyone told me I did the right thing, which was reassuring because I felt like I must've done something wrong. Stupidface said I could've called him tuesday, and maybe i should've to have someone check on her sooner, but I was really hoping I'd see Becky today and everything would be more or less ok. Stupidface and my sponsor both said that what I did was a 12 step call, and you should never do that alone. Well for one thing I'm nowhere near ready to do a 12 step anything! I'm on step 3 here! But at the time I had no idea that's what I was doing. I had no idea she was drinking. Once there I really didn't want to be alone. I was actually rather pissed about being there alone because it was all falling on my shoulders. I wanted someone else to be there but I didn't know who to call. Becky doesn't really have any local friends that I know of aside from her family who was useless...and the people we know mutually through iop i didn't have numbers for and i wouldn't have felt comfortable calling them anyway. My sponsor told me I could've and should've called her. Live and learn I guess.
I'm grateful for my own sobriety, but a little overwhelmed I guess. It's a reminder of how close we all are to that first drink and descending down a bad path. Such a crappy, horrible disease we fight.
Other than all of this craziness, things are actually going decently well. I had a good day yesterday, and actually got some stuff done. My sponsor gave me an awesome compliment yesterday evening about how well I'm doing. She's someone who went through hell in early sobriety (I truly don't know how someone could go through what she did and stay sober) so a compliment like that from her is a big deal. It feels really good to hear. Since my class was cancelled yesterday I also got to go to my favorite meeting yesterday evening. I saw some people I haven't seen in a while, and they were also commenting on how well I'm doing. I've never managed to share at this meeting cus it's big and that scares me, but I did last night. Yay! :) So lots of stuff is going right for me and i'm feeling pretty good. It's a good thing too because there's a lot of challenging stuff going on around me. (There were only 3 ppl at iop this morning...and we realized that we're the only 3 out of the usual 7 who haven't relapsed in the recent past).
One last thing...something I've learned lately. Last week was absolutely crappy as far as flashbacks and everything else. It wasn't even one day at a time...it was one minute or even one second at a time. I had to talk myself through every action and I just had no idea how I could possibly get through it without drinking. Flashbacks are a time when I always reached for a drink, and they're so so hard to deal with because you can't fight what's in your head. But the exciting news is that eventually all those seconds added up into minutes, hours, and days. Suddenly it hit me that I had in fact made it through. Even these days that felt like pure hell...I survived. That shows me that I can do it. Even when it's so so bad it really will pass, and I can do it. And that's something that no one can take away from me. I have my sobriety, including that week. I'm up to 54 days now...just a week aways from 2 full months. And from all that chaos comes the knowledge...the fact...that I succeeded despite it all. No one, and nothing, can change that or take it away. That's what I shared in the meeting last night too. My sponsor said afterwards she was surprised to hear me speak. I said yeah, so was I! lol
Friday, February 10, 2012
Gift
Something interesting happened to me today.
We have a new girl in IOP. I'll call her Mel. She started wednesday, and I'm not sure what to make of her at this point. She's a heroin addict, but she says flat out that she uses every night and "can't" quit. She considers herself doing well because she's using a smaller amount, using it regularly, and it's keeping her from going crazy. That said, she's also on probation as well as on a methadone program that requires regular UA's. So she has plenty of potential to get herself in trouble. But that's not important to this particular story.
Today Mel said that the reason she can't quit is because she's haunted by memories of stuff that happened starting when she was very young. She didn't say what exactly happened, but from what she said I get the distinct impression it's similar to what I experienced. She said it was stuff that started when she was 3, and that she's had many people tell her that she should be over it because it was a long time ago. I knew I wanted to say something to her, even though my past is not something i generally talk about at iop. They know in a general way that my childhood was "not good", that I'm not close to my parents now, and that I have "ptsd like" issues.
Anyway, I told Mel that while I didn't know what she'd experienced, I had a suspicion it was similar to what I'd been through. I told her that I had memories from when I was 5, and possibly earlier but I'm not sure, and that I too have had people tell me I should be over it by now. I said that I thought I needed alcohol and other addictions to block it out, but what I didn't realize was that while I thought I was blocking it it wasn't gone. It took me ending up in the hospital after nearly killing myself to realize it was killing me inside. Now I've made a commitment to sobriety, and yes sometime's it's hell. It's been hell this week. But the difference is that now i'm clear-headed enough to separate myself from it and remind myself i'm safe in the present. I also told her that while it always makes me crazy when ppl say it to me, I think it holds true here that if I can do it, she can do it. This was right at the end of the time and Stupidface ended the group right after I said this. Mel was crying and we were able to hug. She held on to me for a long time. It seemed like it meant a lot to her. I checked in with Stupidface afterwards just to make sure what i'd said was ok, since it was a lot for me to put out there (and very monolouge-y for my usual tastes). He said he thought it was great and that it showed a lot of strength from me.
I've had ppl in different contexts tell me that it's a gift that my past allows me to help other people. (It even says something like this in the big book). It's always really pissed me off...like somehow it's ok that I went through all the horrible shit I did because it helps someone else. But there were aspects of this moment that absolutely were a gift.
1). It allowed me to use my past for something good. With all the flashback hell my past has been putting me through lately, it's nice to get to use it for something good.
2). It gave me a chance to feel important because I could express something to Mel that no one else in the group could. I also felt like a worthwhile person again for being able to help someone else.
3). It forced me to reaffirm my own reasons for sobriety. There's been A LOT of temptation to go back to drinking this week. Even though I know in the long run it will make things worse, I so badly want that brief moment of feeling good. It's hard not to be tempted by that when everything feels so so bad. But, by explaining why my sobriety is important to me to Mel, it reaffirmed for me that I am where I want to be and doing what I want to do.
4). In a similar vein, it made me stronger in my sobriety by defending it. When the temptations came up after IOP, I could very strongly say no after speaking passionately about it. It also helped to see Mel in such a bad place. She reminded me where I'll end up if I give up and go back to drinking. Our methods of numbing are different, but an addict is an addict. I've reached a place where I'm not so desperate I can't see hope. I don't want to give that up.
The other plus to all of this is that in my Human Services class we've been talking about how to work in a field dealing with others' suffering but being able to separate from it and take care of yourself. While I do care about Mel, I feel very peaceful tonight that I did what I could, spoke from the heart, and now I can leave it to her to make her own decision. She said she was going to call me tonight. I didn't really expect her to, but hopefully something somewhere sinks in for her. She won't change overnight, but maybe she'll hear enough to start pushing towards a new path. Or something she hears now will sink in months later...you just never know.
--------------------
In addition to the gift I received today, I'm also grateful for the amazing night I had last night where....wait for it...I SLEPT!! AND I DIDN'T HAVE NIGHTMARES!! YAY!! I woke up to my alarm going off and I was still cozy and warm in bed. I didn't wake up with a start with my heart pounding. It made the morning so much nicer and the entire day just so totally different because I wasn't spending it all trying to get out of that yucky, panicky place.
We have a new girl in IOP. I'll call her Mel. She started wednesday, and I'm not sure what to make of her at this point. She's a heroin addict, but she says flat out that she uses every night and "can't" quit. She considers herself doing well because she's using a smaller amount, using it regularly, and it's keeping her from going crazy. That said, she's also on probation as well as on a methadone program that requires regular UA's. So she has plenty of potential to get herself in trouble. But that's not important to this particular story.
Today Mel said that the reason she can't quit is because she's haunted by memories of stuff that happened starting when she was very young. She didn't say what exactly happened, but from what she said I get the distinct impression it's similar to what I experienced. She said it was stuff that started when she was 3, and that she's had many people tell her that she should be over it because it was a long time ago. I knew I wanted to say something to her, even though my past is not something i generally talk about at iop. They know in a general way that my childhood was "not good", that I'm not close to my parents now, and that I have "ptsd like" issues.
Anyway, I told Mel that while I didn't know what she'd experienced, I had a suspicion it was similar to what I'd been through. I told her that I had memories from when I was 5, and possibly earlier but I'm not sure, and that I too have had people tell me I should be over it by now. I said that I thought I needed alcohol and other addictions to block it out, but what I didn't realize was that while I thought I was blocking it it wasn't gone. It took me ending up in the hospital after nearly killing myself to realize it was killing me inside. Now I've made a commitment to sobriety, and yes sometime's it's hell. It's been hell this week. But the difference is that now i'm clear-headed enough to separate myself from it and remind myself i'm safe in the present. I also told her that while it always makes me crazy when ppl say it to me, I think it holds true here that if I can do it, she can do it. This was right at the end of the time and Stupidface ended the group right after I said this. Mel was crying and we were able to hug. She held on to me for a long time. It seemed like it meant a lot to her. I checked in with Stupidface afterwards just to make sure what i'd said was ok, since it was a lot for me to put out there (and very monolouge-y for my usual tastes). He said he thought it was great and that it showed a lot of strength from me.
I've had ppl in different contexts tell me that it's a gift that my past allows me to help other people. (It even says something like this in the big book). It's always really pissed me off...like somehow it's ok that I went through all the horrible shit I did because it helps someone else. But there were aspects of this moment that absolutely were a gift.
1). It allowed me to use my past for something good. With all the flashback hell my past has been putting me through lately, it's nice to get to use it for something good.
2). It gave me a chance to feel important because I could express something to Mel that no one else in the group could. I also felt like a worthwhile person again for being able to help someone else.
3). It forced me to reaffirm my own reasons for sobriety. There's been A LOT of temptation to go back to drinking this week. Even though I know in the long run it will make things worse, I so badly want that brief moment of feeling good. It's hard not to be tempted by that when everything feels so so bad. But, by explaining why my sobriety is important to me to Mel, it reaffirmed for me that I am where I want to be and doing what I want to do.
4). In a similar vein, it made me stronger in my sobriety by defending it. When the temptations came up after IOP, I could very strongly say no after speaking passionately about it. It also helped to see Mel in such a bad place. She reminded me where I'll end up if I give up and go back to drinking. Our methods of numbing are different, but an addict is an addict. I've reached a place where I'm not so desperate I can't see hope. I don't want to give that up.
The other plus to all of this is that in my Human Services class we've been talking about how to work in a field dealing with others' suffering but being able to separate from it and take care of yourself. While I do care about Mel, I feel very peaceful tonight that I did what I could, spoke from the heart, and now I can leave it to her to make her own decision. She said she was going to call me tonight. I didn't really expect her to, but hopefully something somewhere sinks in for her. She won't change overnight, but maybe she'll hear enough to start pushing towards a new path. Or something she hears now will sink in months later...you just never know.
--------------------
In addition to the gift I received today, I'm also grateful for the amazing night I had last night where....wait for it...I SLEPT!! AND I DIDN'T HAVE NIGHTMARES!! YAY!! I woke up to my alarm going off and I was still cozy and warm in bed. I didn't wake up with a start with my heart pounding. It made the morning so much nicer and the entire day just so totally different because I wasn't spending it all trying to get out of that yucky, panicky place.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)