I got a job this weekend. And then I almost lost it.
The job is teaching skiing at a local resort, which is perfect for me. I officially got it on saturday, and all I had to do to confirm it was to go to the resort on sunday to fill out paperwork. I figured I might as well make a day of it and go up early and ski for the day.
Instead, I left so late that not only did I not ski but I almost missed business hours entirely, which would've lost me the job! I knew what I needed to do. I'd thought it through in my head many times. I was also super excited about getting to go ski for a day, since I haven't been yet this year. But when it came right down to it, I just...didn't.
Its been going this way with a lot of things. Every time something starts to feel good, or I see it helping, I tend to run the other way. I started feeling really good when I was going for walks daily. And then I stopped. I found a rec center I could afford so I could work out now while it's cold. I was super excited, but I have yet to go. I started feeling comfortable at AA meetings...and actually good about going. And then I stopped going to those too. After my beautiful, amazing moment I described in my last post...after enjoying it for a few minutes, it was like my brain took off running to the worst, ugliest images it could come up with, because I didn't know how to handle feeling good. I have so many techniques that I know would help me feel better. These are things that would take mere minutes to do and would help a ton. But I don't do them. I let myself continue to hurt, and sometimes I even make it worse.
This isn't new. It seems my body has always fought against things that help me feel better. I remember countless times trying so hard to ask someone for help, and instead sitting there staring at the phone but not dialing. I'd attempt to write an email to someone and instead sit there staring at a blank screen, at a complete loss for words. But the words are SCREAMING at me inside, they just don't come out. There's so much inside me....so much knowledge of how to fight this, but none of it seems to reach the surface. It makes it hurt all the more because I can visualize where I want to be, and I can even see the steps to get there but I just can't start. It creates so much anger and frustration inside because I feel stupid and useless for not doing what I know I should've. It also makes me blame myself for everything that's wrong, and then spend the time telling myself I deserve the pain and this hole i've dug, rather than trying to fight to get out. A lot of my self injury stuff comes from here and the desire to punish.
This has been going on for a long time, but I believe the difference now is that I can recognize it for what it is. I can see without a doubt that some part of my brain is sabotaging every effort I make to feel better. I can't understand the why or the what to do about it or any of that, but I can step back enough to see that it's happening. Of course, part of the problem is this keeps me from being able to speak up to the people who need to hear this....the people who could help me with it. It's hard to explain really...but while I so badly want to talk about this there's just this other force that's so so strong that pushes me in to silence. It's like I can open my mouth but no sound comes out. Instead it pushes me in to total silence because the warring sides cause so much confusion that I have no idea at all what to say or do. If I'm not careful I end up shutting down entirely and hiding out, which gets very dangerous.
That started to happen this weekend. A very close friend called and I not only avoided answering but I didn't listen to her message. Still haven't. The job thing is another example. Earlier today someone was knocking at the door so I sat in total silence so I could pretend I wasn't there. They knocked again so I turned off all the sound on everything and sat there in complete silence. Granted no one except for one friend actually knows where I live and she has a key. Generally when someone knocks it's someone inviting me to their church, advertising for their restaurant, etc. It wasn't anything important, but I think it's telling that I had such a strong adverse reaction to something so simple. The knocks kept happening, which was weird, so I finally opened the door to find a little boy, maybe 5, who apparently had the wrong apartment. He looked up at me and said "Hi, can your kid play?" I told him I didn't have a kid and he seemed stumped. Cute, and definitely not something to be "afraid" of. In the midst of all this I got a text from another friend and I just kept getting more and more freaked out and angry. All I could think about was curling up a corner somewhere and shutting out the world. Thankfully I was able to push through enough to get to the resort and get the paperwork in and even have dinner w/a friend, but there's a lot of unsettled stuff goin on inside.
Last night I called someone I met at an AA meeting (a big accomplishment in itself, btw). I was feeling really crappy for reasons I couldn't explain...since I should've been excited about my new job. Instead I had this gut feeling of terror, was shaking, etc. I tried to reach out to friends but with no success. I pulled out the daily meditation book that this woman had gotten for me and started to read. As I did, her number fell out (I'd forgotten I'd tucked it in there). It felt like such a sign that she was the one I was supposed to call, and I felt this strange calmness while dialing the number. Totally a god thing! She answered and I introduced myself and reminded her who I was. She said she was glad I called and asked how my week had been. And right there I broke down sobbing. It was the huge release I'd needed so badly, though I still couldn't explain it. She was amazing and so so helpful to me. She talked me through it and kept telling me how great it was that i'd called...and that that's a sign that I'm really trying and I really do want to get better. She was the one who helped me recognize all this self-sabotage stuff for what it is, and she said she totally understood that I was scared and crying rather than excited for the job. She said it's all part of the disease of alcoholism...that it tells us that we'll always be miserable no matter what good there is in our lives, until we go back to drinking. I'm not sure what I think of that really but it was so so amazing to hear this other person describing exactly what I was feeling inside but couldn't put in to words. There's gotta be some truth to it because she really got it.
We talked for a long time, and I agreed to go to a meeting with her on Tuesday. It's a women's meeting that a lot of ppl have been recommending to me so I think it will be good. I'm wondering if I can ask this woman to sponsor me cus I feel like I connect w/her, but I don't really get how all that works. She did mention that she's been a sponsor, so maybe she'd be willing. She said that this meeting we're going to is where she found her sponsor....and she found them just by realizing she needed someone and asking the person who happened to be sitting next to her if they'd do it. Anyway, I'm wondering if she's thinkin bout that too cus she said we'd go to the meeting on tuesday and then "we'd take it from there." Then again maybe I'm thinking way too much in to this, like I always do. But I keep hearing again and again that I need to get a sponsor. I like the idea...I need all the help I can get. Maybe I'm sabotaging on that too. At least I've been able to "say" all this here. It may sound strange but it feels hugely positive to me that I've been able to write this. It's not quite speaking it out loud to a therapist, but it's so so much better than holding it all inside until i want to explode.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Friday, December 9, 2011
Unbelievable
My apartment is on the second floor. My window overlooks a small park that is currently covered in snow. As the park is rarely used, the snow lay undisturbed in the soft blanket in which it fell.
Today was a bright, clear, blue-sky day. As evening settled in, a few stray clouds began to appear. There are few sights I love more than the sun setting on a winter's night. As the sky dims and progresses through it's beauty, the snow seems to take on a life of its own. Pinks and oranges are reflected back in all new hues. Add the reflection from the cloud puffs above and you become enmeshed in an ever-changing pastel world. For one fleeting moment, the sky and ground seem to settle on the same deep purple. In that moment the air feels different. I feel briefly transported to a dream-like holiday village, where the soft light of fireplaces and Christmas trees create the evening glow. It is a place where love and peace abound.
As I walk out the front door, the world takes my breath away once more. A golden moon, nearly full, is creeping up over the horizon. It is in that place before it gets to high, where it looks almost surreal. You can see its every detail, and yet it almost looks fake; like a child's drawing. On this night, its golden rays seep into the ever-settling, ever-deepening purple fog, creating a glow of its own.
It is the moment of magic; Mother Nature displaying her true perfection. Softly, quietly, suffering is lifted. Stress is set aside long enough to take a slow, deep breath of peace. I consider taking a picture, but there are colors here no camera can capture. No stroke of paint can measure up to the depth of experience.
Soon the moon will rise to its rightful height. Soon the purple will sink to black. Soon it will all be but memory. But for those who truly took the time to see, they will be forever changed. For they have been given the gift of knowing, even if only for a split second, of the much larger peace we exist within. No matter what else happens, we will always be given these moments to breathe, as long as we're still able to look.
Today was a bright, clear, blue-sky day. As evening settled in, a few stray clouds began to appear. There are few sights I love more than the sun setting on a winter's night. As the sky dims and progresses through it's beauty, the snow seems to take on a life of its own. Pinks and oranges are reflected back in all new hues. Add the reflection from the cloud puffs above and you become enmeshed in an ever-changing pastel world. For one fleeting moment, the sky and ground seem to settle on the same deep purple. In that moment the air feels different. I feel briefly transported to a dream-like holiday village, where the soft light of fireplaces and Christmas trees create the evening glow. It is a place where love and peace abound.
As I walk out the front door, the world takes my breath away once more. A golden moon, nearly full, is creeping up over the horizon. It is in that place before it gets to high, where it looks almost surreal. You can see its every detail, and yet it almost looks fake; like a child's drawing. On this night, its golden rays seep into the ever-settling, ever-deepening purple fog, creating a glow of its own.
It is the moment of magic; Mother Nature displaying her true perfection. Softly, quietly, suffering is lifted. Stress is set aside long enough to take a slow, deep breath of peace. I consider taking a picture, but there are colors here no camera can capture. No stroke of paint can measure up to the depth of experience.
Soon the moon will rise to its rightful height. Soon the purple will sink to black. Soon it will all be but memory. But for those who truly took the time to see, they will be forever changed. For they have been given the gift of knowing, even if only for a split second, of the much larger peace we exist within. No matter what else happens, we will always be given these moments to breathe, as long as we're still able to look.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Need your honest opinions please!
This post stems from a debate I've been having...partially with a friend of mine but mostly with myself. If you don't mind I would love to get some honest thoughts and opinions on this. I know some readers have mentioned that they don't like to comment on blogs. Please feel free to comment anonymously or email me.
The issue is, I've been unemployed for a long time. Because I do seasonal work I'm used to having periods of unemployment in the fall, but this one has gone longer than normal and I didn't have any "filler" income like I normally do. I've chosen to give up my reliable and fairly lucrative job this winter in order to be able to continue with the therapy I'm in now. It was an extremely tough decision that I still question a lot, but it's been made now. I had thought I would be able to find a replacement job fairly easily, but for all the places that I thought would be a sure-thing position I haven't even gotten one call back or interview. It's getting stressful.
I had to take an apartment that was above what I had hoped for for rent, mainly because I was going to end up homeless otherwise. Also, this apartment complex unfortunately has a lot of hidden charges. So money is a stressor right now, and is likely to continue to be for a bit.
A friend of mine brought up going to the food bank. This is where I'm looking for opinions.
I'm not desperate. I haven't reached the point where I'm not going to eat if I don't get food bank food. But food is a major part of my budget, so having that lifted would take some of the stress away so I could focus on getting other things together. I know it would be helpful for me, but I picture my going there taking food away from a desperately hungry family with nothing to eat. Especially during the holidays, I know it can sometimes be hard to keep food bank shelves stocked.
Another factor in this is that I'm really really bad at sticking to a budget. I'm not much of a cook, so I'm not the type that can get what's on sale and figure out something to do with it. I end up buying things that are more expensive because I actually know how to do something with it. I'm also not good at budgeting money in general, which causes issues. Another recent issue is that side effects of a medication made me so hungry I was eating everything in sight. I spent a huge sum of money at the grocery store in just a couple of days because I was constantly feeling hungry (and being hungry is a huge trigger for me), and I was going through crazy impulse buys because everything looked good. Thankfully that has resolved itself quite a bit, but what I'm saying here is that I could save a bunch on food just by making sacrifices in what I buy and learning better spending habits. So I'm thinking that maybe I should just focus on that and avoid getting to the desperate point that way.
This has been hard for me because there is food drive stuff going on all over school. I am normally one that loves to give and now it just makes me sad that I have nothing I can offer. We had a pot luck for the end of one of my classes today (can't believe this semester is actually ending...as long as it's been it now suddenly feels like it ended so fast!) and I brought nothing. Then I found myself stuffing myself and taking an extra plate with me just because it was there and free. I really don't like acting like that. The stress is frustrating. (Of course, I'll do stupid shit like that for a few days and then I'll have a bad day and go out and spend way too much on comfort food and undo anything I might've saved anyway).
For now I'm thinking I'm going to call around to food banks and soup kitchens in the area and see if I can set up something to volunteer in exchange for food or a meal. That way I'm at least giving back some of what I'm taking. I know a lot of this comes from the way I was raised...be independent, self-sufficient, don't take charity, etc...but I'm thinking that some of that is not such bad advice. I'm just confused. I don't have experience with any of this and I'm not sure what to do. I just don't want to take food from starving children...or be a drain on society for problems of my own creation.
The issue is, I've been unemployed for a long time. Because I do seasonal work I'm used to having periods of unemployment in the fall, but this one has gone longer than normal and I didn't have any "filler" income like I normally do. I've chosen to give up my reliable and fairly lucrative job this winter in order to be able to continue with the therapy I'm in now. It was an extremely tough decision that I still question a lot, but it's been made now. I had thought I would be able to find a replacement job fairly easily, but for all the places that I thought would be a sure-thing position I haven't even gotten one call back or interview. It's getting stressful.
I had to take an apartment that was above what I had hoped for for rent, mainly because I was going to end up homeless otherwise. Also, this apartment complex unfortunately has a lot of hidden charges. So money is a stressor right now, and is likely to continue to be for a bit.
A friend of mine brought up going to the food bank. This is where I'm looking for opinions.
I'm not desperate. I haven't reached the point where I'm not going to eat if I don't get food bank food. But food is a major part of my budget, so having that lifted would take some of the stress away so I could focus on getting other things together. I know it would be helpful for me, but I picture my going there taking food away from a desperately hungry family with nothing to eat. Especially during the holidays, I know it can sometimes be hard to keep food bank shelves stocked.
Another factor in this is that I'm really really bad at sticking to a budget. I'm not much of a cook, so I'm not the type that can get what's on sale and figure out something to do with it. I end up buying things that are more expensive because I actually know how to do something with it. I'm also not good at budgeting money in general, which causes issues. Another recent issue is that side effects of a medication made me so hungry I was eating everything in sight. I spent a huge sum of money at the grocery store in just a couple of days because I was constantly feeling hungry (and being hungry is a huge trigger for me), and I was going through crazy impulse buys because everything looked good. Thankfully that has resolved itself quite a bit, but what I'm saying here is that I could save a bunch on food just by making sacrifices in what I buy and learning better spending habits. So I'm thinking that maybe I should just focus on that and avoid getting to the desperate point that way.
This has been hard for me because there is food drive stuff going on all over school. I am normally one that loves to give and now it just makes me sad that I have nothing I can offer. We had a pot luck for the end of one of my classes today (can't believe this semester is actually ending...as long as it's been it now suddenly feels like it ended so fast!) and I brought nothing. Then I found myself stuffing myself and taking an extra plate with me just because it was there and free. I really don't like acting like that. The stress is frustrating. (Of course, I'll do stupid shit like that for a few days and then I'll have a bad day and go out and spend way too much on comfort food and undo anything I might've saved anyway).
For now I'm thinking I'm going to call around to food banks and soup kitchens in the area and see if I can set up something to volunteer in exchange for food or a meal. That way I'm at least giving back some of what I'm taking. I know a lot of this comes from the way I was raised...be independent, self-sufficient, don't take charity, etc...but I'm thinking that some of that is not such bad advice. I'm just confused. I don't have experience with any of this and I'm not sure what to do. I just don't want to take food from starving children...or be a drain on society for problems of my own creation.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Wow
Ever had one of those moments where you're listening to a song you've heard a million times before, but suddenly it has incredible new meaning? I had one of those moments today. It's on a Christmas CD of mine, so I hear it every year around the holidays. This year, due to everything going on, the lyrics hit me in a whole new way. It was really incredible to listen to.
Go here for the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nOp4NAq6EHI
Here are the lyrics:
Better Days, Goo Goo Dolls
And you asked me what I want this year
and I try to make this kind and clear
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
'cause I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
and designer love and empty things
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
So take these words and sing out loud
'cause everyone is forgiven now
'cause tonight's the night the world begins again
I need some place simple where we could live
and something only you can give
and that's faith and trust and peace while we're alive
and the one poor child who saved this world
and there's ten million more who probably could
if we all just stopped and said a prayer for them
So take these words and sing out loud
'cause everyone is forgiven now
'cause tonight's the night the world begins again
I wish everyone was loved tonight
and somehow stop this endless fight
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
So take these words and sing out loud
'cause everyone is forgiven now
'cause tonight's the night the world begins again
'cause tonight's the night the world begins again
------
How incredible is that?! No "boxes wrapped in string and designer love and empty things" for me...just a chance for better days. I can't imagine anything I want more than just that chance...that hope for the future and better things to come. And for the first time in god knows how long, that chance feels like it could be real.
Then further on....some place simple where we could live...faith and trust and peace while we're alive. Really...what more could I ask for?
And I absolutely love love LOVE the line: "the one poor child that saved this world, and 10 million more who probably could, if we all just stopped and said a prayer for them." How amazing is that thought? Any child out there could grow up to be the next great hero for the world...any one of them can do incredible things...but only if we give them our attention and give them a chance.
I also love: "I wish everyone was loved tonight, and somehow stop this endless fight." If only....
I've always loved this song, but I put the CD on tonight and these words just leapt out at me. I dropped everything when it came on, closed my eyes and just felt it move through me. It was a really incredible moment. Maybe it's because now I actually have hope for the future, so there's added beauty to this song because it feels so much more real. Regardless, I think I need to make a point of listening to it at least once a day!
Go here for the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nOp4NAq6EHI
Here are the lyrics:
Better Days, Goo Goo Dolls
And you asked me what I want this year
and I try to make this kind and clear
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
'cause I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
and designer love and empty things
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
So take these words and sing out loud
'cause everyone is forgiven now
'cause tonight's the night the world begins again
I need some place simple where we could live
and something only you can give
and that's faith and trust and peace while we're alive
and the one poor child who saved this world
and there's ten million more who probably could
if we all just stopped and said a prayer for them
So take these words and sing out loud
'cause everyone is forgiven now
'cause tonight's the night the world begins again
I wish everyone was loved tonight
and somehow stop this endless fight
just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
So take these words and sing out loud
'cause everyone is forgiven now
'cause tonight's the night the world begins again
'cause tonight's the night the world begins again
------
How incredible is that?! No "boxes wrapped in string and designer love and empty things" for me...just a chance for better days. I can't imagine anything I want more than just that chance...that hope for the future and better things to come. And for the first time in god knows how long, that chance feels like it could be real.
Then further on....some place simple where we could live...faith and trust and peace while we're alive. Really...what more could I ask for?
And I absolutely love love LOVE the line: "the one poor child that saved this world, and 10 million more who probably could, if we all just stopped and said a prayer for them." How amazing is that thought? Any child out there could grow up to be the next great hero for the world...any one of them can do incredible things...but only if we give them our attention and give them a chance.
I also love: "I wish everyone was loved tonight, and somehow stop this endless fight." If only....
I've always loved this song, but I put the CD on tonight and these words just leapt out at me. I dropped everything when it came on, closed my eyes and just felt it move through me. It was a really incredible moment. Maybe it's because now I actually have hope for the future, so there's added beauty to this song because it feels so much more real. Regardless, I think I need to make a point of listening to it at least once a day!
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
A good day!
Nothing deep or philosophical here...no new revelations...just exactly what it says. A good day. I think I'll revel in it for a bit.
I had a big presentation for one of my classes today. It was worth a huge part of my final grade, and since i've struggled with getting work in for this class it was really really important that I do well. I spent a lot of the weekend working on my powerpoint for it...but giving it was still stressful. At least with papers you can edit it and make sure you have everything just the way you want it. With a presentation there's a lot left up to chance.
I had to go 2nd to last for the day in my class, so lots more time to stress. Overall it went really well though, and people seemed interested. First success.
After class, thankfully I didn't have to go see stupid t today (woohoo!!) so I had some free time. The t stuff is all completely up in the air but the goal now is to switch me to the woman t and begin to focus more on the therapeutic stuff rather than just the substance issues that current t is entirely stuck on. Hopefully i'll find out more soon...but for now I had a free afternoon. I was feeling rather positive and empowered so I went to the library, sat at my favorite little table (one of the cubby ones with sides so fewer distractions) and spread out all my homework. I was actually able to get almost entirely caught up with my other class that i've been sooooo behind on since the hospital in august! There's a few little things i need to finish but I have to wait for an email back from the prof. Overall though, I'm DONE with everything for that class. And one of the papers I wrote for it just came out really really awesome and I am super excited about it. And I really do mean super excited...like I want to run in and show the prof "Look! Look what I came up with!" It's pretty rare I feel that good about a homework assignment.
After this I still had some time so I finally went to this advising session that I've been putting off for forever. Basically, while I love my classes, I'm worrying my major is too narrow to actually get the jobs I want. I know i've needed to talk to some other ppl to figure out a degree plan but it's been very hard to look that far in the future. But today I finally felt up to it and the woman I met with was awesome. Too much to go in to now but she helped me create a plan that I feel very very strongly about. It means I've got a ways to go still but I really feel like now I'm heading in the right direction for sure. She seemed to really get me and what I was looking for, and understand why the regular options weren't working for me.
After that I stopped by the rec center that i'd read about that's close to my house. I'm super excited because it's only about a mile from me and really affordable! I badly need to start working out but it's been way too cold to get my walks in. Now I'll have a treadmill, bikes, etc. to use as well as a pool, which I badly need because my joints haven't liked the impact with my added weight.
I came home and after a bit of rest and tv watching I cleaned up the kitchen some...because the counter mess was about to get taller than me like the shel siverstein poem...and made myself a decent dinner. It wasn't quite the full dinner I'd planned, but it wasn't microwaved and it had protein and veggies and all that good stuff. I totally forgot about the meeting I was going to go too, but I think for tonight that's ok. I cleaned up after that too and have the dishwasher running now. I'm super tired and am really hoping the capstone to my good night can be falling asleep at a decent hour.
I think it's pretty clear what i'm grateful for tonight. :)
I had a big presentation for one of my classes today. It was worth a huge part of my final grade, and since i've struggled with getting work in for this class it was really really important that I do well. I spent a lot of the weekend working on my powerpoint for it...but giving it was still stressful. At least with papers you can edit it and make sure you have everything just the way you want it. With a presentation there's a lot left up to chance.
I had to go 2nd to last for the day in my class, so lots more time to stress. Overall it went really well though, and people seemed interested. First success.
After class, thankfully I didn't have to go see stupid t today (woohoo!!) so I had some free time. The t stuff is all completely up in the air but the goal now is to switch me to the woman t and begin to focus more on the therapeutic stuff rather than just the substance issues that current t is entirely stuck on. Hopefully i'll find out more soon...but for now I had a free afternoon. I was feeling rather positive and empowered so I went to the library, sat at my favorite little table (one of the cubby ones with sides so fewer distractions) and spread out all my homework. I was actually able to get almost entirely caught up with my other class that i've been sooooo behind on since the hospital in august! There's a few little things i need to finish but I have to wait for an email back from the prof. Overall though, I'm DONE with everything for that class. And one of the papers I wrote for it just came out really really awesome and I am super excited about it. And I really do mean super excited...like I want to run in and show the prof "Look! Look what I came up with!" It's pretty rare I feel that good about a homework assignment.
After this I still had some time so I finally went to this advising session that I've been putting off for forever. Basically, while I love my classes, I'm worrying my major is too narrow to actually get the jobs I want. I know i've needed to talk to some other ppl to figure out a degree plan but it's been very hard to look that far in the future. But today I finally felt up to it and the woman I met with was awesome. Too much to go in to now but she helped me create a plan that I feel very very strongly about. It means I've got a ways to go still but I really feel like now I'm heading in the right direction for sure. She seemed to really get me and what I was looking for, and understand why the regular options weren't working for me.
After that I stopped by the rec center that i'd read about that's close to my house. I'm super excited because it's only about a mile from me and really affordable! I badly need to start working out but it's been way too cold to get my walks in. Now I'll have a treadmill, bikes, etc. to use as well as a pool, which I badly need because my joints haven't liked the impact with my added weight.
I came home and after a bit of rest and tv watching I cleaned up the kitchen some...because the counter mess was about to get taller than me like the shel siverstein poem...and made myself a decent dinner. It wasn't quite the full dinner I'd planned, but it wasn't microwaved and it had protein and veggies and all that good stuff. I totally forgot about the meeting I was going to go too, but I think for tonight that's ok. I cleaned up after that too and have the dishwasher running now. I'm super tired and am really hoping the capstone to my good night can be falling asleep at a decent hour.
I think it's pretty clear what i'm grateful for tonight. :)
Monday, December 5, 2011
Up and down (and round and round?)
Tonight was a rough one. I don't want to go in to that, but the short version is that a friend's very innocent question sent me into a spiral of scary thoughts. It's like once one of the emotions gets going (generally either fear or anger) it starts bringing up more issues and more thoughts and before I know it I feel like I'm trapped in a whirlwind and all I can think about is how to make them stop. What really struck me tonight is just how quickly the change happened. I was feeling pretty calm...had just finished some journaling and then was chatting with a friend. Essentially within minutes all my focus had gone to thoughts of self harm.
The good news is, I was aware of what was happening and was able to stop myself. Well, I couldn't stop myself but I was able to hold off the immediacy of it. I knew I needed to interrupt the thoughts so I tried to say the serenity prayer. I tried and tried but couldn't keep focused long enough to get through it. I thought about turning it over to a higher power, which has been something discussed in many meetings and sometimes in iop. I couldn't get through the serenity prayer so I just said, "god. i'm here. guide me please." I closed my eyes and put all the energy I could into picturing my spirit being held and cared for in the safe light (can't exactly explain the way I see this, but it works for me).
Slowly my breath came back to me and when I opened my eyes the damage from my last SI episode just happened to be right there in front of me. I spent some time looking at the cuts, and rubbing over them with my hand. It's been a month since I did that and it's still so so vivid. For now I think that's a good thing...because it was a visual reminder of why I didn't want to give in to that urge.
So...lots of highs and lows today. I wouldn't exactly say right now is a high, but I'm content. I was teetering on the edge but I found my way back. Every time I can do that it builds my confidence a bit more...both in myself and in the process I've immersed myself in.
I also want to share something that came up in my journal today that was really amazing to me. A few people were talking in iop today about how while they were drunk or on drugs they became a selfish person who only cared about themselves and their next fix, and how they hated that person. As they were saying this, I was thinking that while I get what they're saying, I've said multiple times that one of the things I need to learn is how to be selfish. I don't want to be a jerk or anything, but I need to learn how to take care of my own needs because I've never really done that before. So how can we be talking about selfishness being such a bad thing, but also such a necessary thing?
What came up in my journaling is that there are two kinds of selfish...thinking only of self and thinking first of self.
The thinking only of self is the person who blocks out the world, pushes everyone else down to get ahead, is mean, and doesn't care about anyone else.
The thinking first of self is how they tell you in first aid classes to make sure the scene is safe before you approach so that you don't become another victim, or put your own oxygen mask on before assisting others in the airplane emergency procedures. This kind of selfishness is necessary for ensuring our own health and protecting the soul. I realized that I need to find a way to view myself as worthwhile and make myself my priority....or at the very least see myself as not below others in the world. I know I want to do for others in need, but if I can fill myself first i'll have so much more to give. My future abilities to be there for others will be magnified and multiplied. Since I can't do it just for myself right now, that thought helps me to have a focus on why I need to care for me. It's still a struggle for me to know when my "me time" is only of self or first of self, but i'm learning to find positive ways to care for me and make them a priority. Anyway just thought it was interesting and maybe it'll be meaningful to someone else too. I love when my writing brings up stuff I didn't know I knew! :)
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Tonight i'm grateful that with all the troubles i've had, that none of them now are legal issues. One of the ppl in iop that I feel the closest to has a big court date coming up on wednesday so we had a little good luck "ceremony" for her. As people got to talking it seemed like almost everyone that was there today (granted it was a smaller than normal group due to crazy weather) had been to jail for addiction related issues. M, who has her court date this week, has a DUI. While I obviously don't condone drinking and driving, M is just an amazing, kind woman in so many ways. She's not the troublemaker type at all. She painted me a beautiful picture as a housewarming present when I moved in to my apartment...she's regularly brought really thoughtful gifts for people "just because." She's also a survivor and has just been an amazing source of support for me in starting to come to terms with what I'm facing. She's also been working incredibly hard on her program...she's never missed a day of iop and she's always on time/early, tons of AA meetings, etc. Unfortunately, because she had a DUI something like 18 years ago, and another 20-something years ago, she's facing potentially major punishment. Anyway, clearly she's had some issues but it just seems sad to me because she's such a beautiful person. She's accepted her fate and is mostly just looking forward to wednesday to because she's tired of being in limbo and not knowing what's going to happen. I'm grateful that while I know I've done a lot of bad things and have hurt a lot of people, I'm not facing jail time for them. If you don't mind saying a prayer for M I'd really appreciate it. I had a chance to give her a card and a hug today at iop...and now i'm praying for peace for her because I can't imagine how stressful these last few days are for her with no idea of what is to come. (Also I have to admit some of this is selfish...I feel so connected to her....the first person i've really connected to like this face to face...i'm scared of not having her in iop anymore. I don't want her to go to jail cus I need her. :( Yeah...not sure what kind of selfish that falls in to...lol)
The good news is, I was aware of what was happening and was able to stop myself. Well, I couldn't stop myself but I was able to hold off the immediacy of it. I knew I needed to interrupt the thoughts so I tried to say the serenity prayer. I tried and tried but couldn't keep focused long enough to get through it. I thought about turning it over to a higher power, which has been something discussed in many meetings and sometimes in iop. I couldn't get through the serenity prayer so I just said, "god. i'm here. guide me please." I closed my eyes and put all the energy I could into picturing my spirit being held and cared for in the safe light (can't exactly explain the way I see this, but it works for me).
Slowly my breath came back to me and when I opened my eyes the damage from my last SI episode just happened to be right there in front of me. I spent some time looking at the cuts, and rubbing over them with my hand. It's been a month since I did that and it's still so so vivid. For now I think that's a good thing...because it was a visual reminder of why I didn't want to give in to that urge.
So...lots of highs and lows today. I wouldn't exactly say right now is a high, but I'm content. I was teetering on the edge but I found my way back. Every time I can do that it builds my confidence a bit more...both in myself and in the process I've immersed myself in.
I also want to share something that came up in my journal today that was really amazing to me. A few people were talking in iop today about how while they were drunk or on drugs they became a selfish person who only cared about themselves and their next fix, and how they hated that person. As they were saying this, I was thinking that while I get what they're saying, I've said multiple times that one of the things I need to learn is how to be selfish. I don't want to be a jerk or anything, but I need to learn how to take care of my own needs because I've never really done that before. So how can we be talking about selfishness being such a bad thing, but also such a necessary thing?
What came up in my journaling is that there are two kinds of selfish...thinking only of self and thinking first of self.
The thinking only of self is the person who blocks out the world, pushes everyone else down to get ahead, is mean, and doesn't care about anyone else.
The thinking first of self is how they tell you in first aid classes to make sure the scene is safe before you approach so that you don't become another victim, or put your own oxygen mask on before assisting others in the airplane emergency procedures. This kind of selfishness is necessary for ensuring our own health and protecting the soul. I realized that I need to find a way to view myself as worthwhile and make myself my priority....or at the very least see myself as not below others in the world. I know I want to do for others in need, but if I can fill myself first i'll have so much more to give. My future abilities to be there for others will be magnified and multiplied. Since I can't do it just for myself right now, that thought helps me to have a focus on why I need to care for me. It's still a struggle for me to know when my "me time" is only of self or first of self, but i'm learning to find positive ways to care for me and make them a priority. Anyway just thought it was interesting and maybe it'll be meaningful to someone else too. I love when my writing brings up stuff I didn't know I knew! :)
-------------
Tonight i'm grateful that with all the troubles i've had, that none of them now are legal issues. One of the ppl in iop that I feel the closest to has a big court date coming up on wednesday so we had a little good luck "ceremony" for her. As people got to talking it seemed like almost everyone that was there today (granted it was a smaller than normal group due to crazy weather) had been to jail for addiction related issues. M, who has her court date this week, has a DUI. While I obviously don't condone drinking and driving, M is just an amazing, kind woman in so many ways. She's not the troublemaker type at all. She painted me a beautiful picture as a housewarming present when I moved in to my apartment...she's regularly brought really thoughtful gifts for people "just because." She's also a survivor and has just been an amazing source of support for me in starting to come to terms with what I'm facing. She's also been working incredibly hard on her program...she's never missed a day of iop and she's always on time/early, tons of AA meetings, etc. Unfortunately, because she had a DUI something like 18 years ago, and another 20-something years ago, she's facing potentially major punishment. Anyway, clearly she's had some issues but it just seems sad to me because she's such a beautiful person. She's accepted her fate and is mostly just looking forward to wednesday to because she's tired of being in limbo and not knowing what's going to happen. I'm grateful that while I know I've done a lot of bad things and have hurt a lot of people, I'm not facing jail time for them. If you don't mind saying a prayer for M I'd really appreciate it. I had a chance to give her a card and a hug today at iop...and now i'm praying for peace for her because I can't imagine how stressful these last few days are for her with no idea of what is to come. (Also I have to admit some of this is selfish...I feel so connected to her....the first person i've really connected to like this face to face...i'm scared of not having her in iop anymore. I don't want her to go to jail cus I need her. :( Yeah...not sure what kind of selfish that falls in to...lol)
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Little R
Many of you reading have heard my story of little R before. (I may have even posted it on here...hard to keep track! lol) But it's a favorite of mine and I love to tell it so you're going to hear it again. But never fear...there is a point! lol
Years ago, I worked at a summer camp for homeless children from New York City. Little R, 8 years old, was a part of my first group of campers.
R was the type of child that camp counselors dread. Actually, until this camp I wouldn't have known to dread them because I wouldn't have believed that a child like this could actually exist! Harsh, I know, but I'd never seen anything like it. R was outwardly defiant but also inwardly manipulative. She was incredibly smart too. She knew just the right thing to say to any one at any given time in order to get the results she wanted. She knew how to get counselors on her side and pit us against each other or attempt to get us in trouble with supervisors. She knew just what to say to the other girls to make them cry. And these weren't just little things either...she was mean! As time went on I could see that she was absolutely terrified of any level of peace and calm in her life, and therefore made every effort she could to cause chaos around her. Every time we started to have a good moment she would go out of her way to ruin it. No punishment seemed to mean anything to her either. At one point she landed herself the task of cleaning the entire bathroom top to bottom and she barely seemed to notice. My supervisor said she'd never seen anything like her.
I was a new, energetic, and naive counselor. I knew enough to see that R was hurting very badly, and that so much of what she did was out of fear. I knew that she had lived around abuse in her past (she had nightmares at night...she wanted to go home not because she missed it but because she was worried about her mom not having her there to protect her...and the shelter where she and her mom lived was of top security because of the violent situations its residents come from, with only a select few even knowing where it is). I so badly wanted R to know that people cared about her and loved her that I quite literally chased her around camp to tell her these things. In hindsight I can see how this approach failed. But I kept at it and worked my butt off to keep her involved with the group. We had endless group meetings to have the girls give each other compliments, talk about things that were going on, etc. I refused to give up on R, and I did start to actually see some improvements. Every now and then she could be found joining in with the group and apparently having fun. But just when i'd start to relax and let my guard down a little, all hell would break loose once again.
She exhausted me. I remember talking to a fellow counselor one day about how frustrated I was with R. I said, "I just want one good day! Just one day where the girls get along and we don't have any of these major issues! Is that really too much to ask?"
My more experienced and much wiser coworker replied, "Maybe a day is too much for R right now. But maybe you can find some good moments, and maybe some good minutes, or hours."
That statement was world changing to me. Such a simple concept, but it meant that R and I could have success! I realized that what we'd been doing hadn't all been a failure. Instead it was my lack of ability to celebrate and enjoy the times that were good because I just wanted them to be more, or better. Don't get me wrong, R still tested me constantly and pushed my every button, but hope had returned. I could see that I was doing good things, and that R was too. My feelings of desperation and frustration began to lift.
One of my very favorite moments of camp that summer was towards the end of our 19-day session when R allowed me to hold her while she floated on her back. We'd been working on it for a while but the amount of trust it took in both the water and in me were just too much for her. Finally, on almost the last day, she did it. It was just a few seconds, but to me it was magic. An incredible, magical moment I may have missed had I still been looking for days. A similar moment occurred as the kids were loading the bus to head back to the city. I stepped on the bus to give each of my girls a short note that I had written to them. I had written to R that whether she believed it or not, I'd miss her and I was glad she'd come. As I was about to step off the bus I heard her call my name. I turned around and looked back. She was smiling what looked to be a genuine smile and told me bye again. Another magical grouping of seconds. For some reason or another, I'd meant enough to her for her to call me back for a second good bye. Maybe she'd felt a connection the way I had.
I don't know what's happened to R since then. I had no way of keeping in touch with her. But her spirit and our magical moments keep me going and pressing on. When I meet a challenging kid now I I try my best to not put my expectations out of their reach, but instead fight with them for what is achievable.
Now back to today. I've realized recently that the lessons I learned from R and my wise coworker can be applied to my own recovery and healing. The other day I was acknowledging a moment where I was actually on my own, without distraction, and feeling good. That is the eventual goal of all this in my eyes....that I won't need constant distraction or outside influence...that I'll be able to just feel good and be ok. And that is what I was experiencing. But that feeling was fleeting, and mere moments later I heard myself thinking about when would the good days finally outweigh the bad, and how frustrating it was that the good is so limited.
With R I had to learn to allow myself to be rewarded and feel good when those good moments hit. Maybe now I need to learn to let myself be rewarded with the good that comes from these good moments. Instead of, "It's good, but...", more of "It's good, and I like it!" Hmmm now that I write this I'm remembering someone telling me almost exactly this right around the time I went in to the hospital. Funny how I seem to keep realizing that my advice givers I refused to listen to for so long actually did have some idea what they were talking about! lol I also am starting to think that R and my coworker were my first DBT teachers....teaching me how to focus on and fully experience the moment at hand without worrying about what would come later or the what if's.
I still struggle with the difference between goals and expectations. I used to think that I had to have high expectations in order to be successful. After all, if I didn't expect that I was going to heal, what would be the point in fighting? But if I'm expecting to heal, does that set me up to feel crappy about anything short of healed? Obviously that's not a good way to be either. I'm in the midst of what seems to be a very long process of learning how to keep looking ahead but also keep celebrating the successful steps I take.
In the meantime...I'm so so grateful to R. I feel just a little strange saying that, but she taught me so many amazing lessons over that session at camp. I have truly never been the same since. I am thankful to her for letting me see the real her, in all its ugliness and all its beauty. And I'm thankful to her for giving me those moments of her trust, because I understand now just how big that was for her to do. R is in her teens now, and I pray that she is ok and somewhere safe. I pray that she has found some way to express herself and not follow the path of pain and anger she seemed to be headed down. I also, perhaps a bit selfishly, pray that she looks back on her time with me at camp as an 8 year old and can remember or feel something positive or comforting about the time we shared.
Years ago, I worked at a summer camp for homeless children from New York City. Little R, 8 years old, was a part of my first group of campers.
R was the type of child that camp counselors dread. Actually, until this camp I wouldn't have known to dread them because I wouldn't have believed that a child like this could actually exist! Harsh, I know, but I'd never seen anything like it. R was outwardly defiant but also inwardly manipulative. She was incredibly smart too. She knew just the right thing to say to any one at any given time in order to get the results she wanted. She knew how to get counselors on her side and pit us against each other or attempt to get us in trouble with supervisors. She knew just what to say to the other girls to make them cry. And these weren't just little things either...she was mean! As time went on I could see that she was absolutely terrified of any level of peace and calm in her life, and therefore made every effort she could to cause chaos around her. Every time we started to have a good moment she would go out of her way to ruin it. No punishment seemed to mean anything to her either. At one point she landed herself the task of cleaning the entire bathroom top to bottom and she barely seemed to notice. My supervisor said she'd never seen anything like her.
I was a new, energetic, and naive counselor. I knew enough to see that R was hurting very badly, and that so much of what she did was out of fear. I knew that she had lived around abuse in her past (she had nightmares at night...she wanted to go home not because she missed it but because she was worried about her mom not having her there to protect her...and the shelter where she and her mom lived was of top security because of the violent situations its residents come from, with only a select few even knowing where it is). I so badly wanted R to know that people cared about her and loved her that I quite literally chased her around camp to tell her these things. In hindsight I can see how this approach failed. But I kept at it and worked my butt off to keep her involved with the group. We had endless group meetings to have the girls give each other compliments, talk about things that were going on, etc. I refused to give up on R, and I did start to actually see some improvements. Every now and then she could be found joining in with the group and apparently having fun. But just when i'd start to relax and let my guard down a little, all hell would break loose once again.
She exhausted me. I remember talking to a fellow counselor one day about how frustrated I was with R. I said, "I just want one good day! Just one day where the girls get along and we don't have any of these major issues! Is that really too much to ask?"
My more experienced and much wiser coworker replied, "Maybe a day is too much for R right now. But maybe you can find some good moments, and maybe some good minutes, or hours."
That statement was world changing to me. Such a simple concept, but it meant that R and I could have success! I realized that what we'd been doing hadn't all been a failure. Instead it was my lack of ability to celebrate and enjoy the times that were good because I just wanted them to be more, or better. Don't get me wrong, R still tested me constantly and pushed my every button, but hope had returned. I could see that I was doing good things, and that R was too. My feelings of desperation and frustration began to lift.
One of my very favorite moments of camp that summer was towards the end of our 19-day session when R allowed me to hold her while she floated on her back. We'd been working on it for a while but the amount of trust it took in both the water and in me were just too much for her. Finally, on almost the last day, she did it. It was just a few seconds, but to me it was magic. An incredible, magical moment I may have missed had I still been looking for days. A similar moment occurred as the kids were loading the bus to head back to the city. I stepped on the bus to give each of my girls a short note that I had written to them. I had written to R that whether she believed it or not, I'd miss her and I was glad she'd come. As I was about to step off the bus I heard her call my name. I turned around and looked back. She was smiling what looked to be a genuine smile and told me bye again. Another magical grouping of seconds. For some reason or another, I'd meant enough to her for her to call me back for a second good bye. Maybe she'd felt a connection the way I had.
I don't know what's happened to R since then. I had no way of keeping in touch with her. But her spirit and our magical moments keep me going and pressing on. When I meet a challenging kid now I I try my best to not put my expectations out of their reach, but instead fight with them for what is achievable.
Now back to today. I've realized recently that the lessons I learned from R and my wise coworker can be applied to my own recovery and healing. The other day I was acknowledging a moment where I was actually on my own, without distraction, and feeling good. That is the eventual goal of all this in my eyes....that I won't need constant distraction or outside influence...that I'll be able to just feel good and be ok. And that is what I was experiencing. But that feeling was fleeting, and mere moments later I heard myself thinking about when would the good days finally outweigh the bad, and how frustrating it was that the good is so limited.
With R I had to learn to allow myself to be rewarded and feel good when those good moments hit. Maybe now I need to learn to let myself be rewarded with the good that comes from these good moments. Instead of, "It's good, but...", more of "It's good, and I like it!" Hmmm now that I write this I'm remembering someone telling me almost exactly this right around the time I went in to the hospital. Funny how I seem to keep realizing that my advice givers I refused to listen to for so long actually did have some idea what they were talking about! lol I also am starting to think that R and my coworker were my first DBT teachers....teaching me how to focus on and fully experience the moment at hand without worrying about what would come later or the what if's.
I still struggle with the difference between goals and expectations. I used to think that I had to have high expectations in order to be successful. After all, if I didn't expect that I was going to heal, what would be the point in fighting? But if I'm expecting to heal, does that set me up to feel crappy about anything short of healed? Obviously that's not a good way to be either. I'm in the midst of what seems to be a very long process of learning how to keep looking ahead but also keep celebrating the successful steps I take.
In the meantime...I'm so so grateful to R. I feel just a little strange saying that, but she taught me so many amazing lessons over that session at camp. I have truly never been the same since. I am thankful to her for letting me see the real her, in all its ugliness and all its beauty. And I'm thankful to her for giving me those moments of her trust, because I understand now just how big that was for her to do. R is in her teens now, and I pray that she is ok and somewhere safe. I pray that she has found some way to express herself and not follow the path of pain and anger she seemed to be headed down. I also, perhaps a bit selfishly, pray that she looks back on her time with me at camp as an 8 year old and can remember or feel something positive or comforting about the time we shared.
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